Such a vivid dream.
She walked up and wrapped her arms around me.
I remembered the way it felt when she's hold me close.
I guess I sorta miss it.
Last night I had a dream.

Such a vivid dream.
It was about her.
I miss her and wish she was here.
She made the choices she did.
I loved her a lot.
But now we are nothing but a past.

Such a vivid dream.
We sat in the grass at mendive.
We walked around the halls at the boys and girls club.
Over to the kids side.
I remember the staff would get mad.
Yes I do miss what we had.

******* cutting up my skin.
In only places I can see.
Never ******* meant a thing.
No not to anyone.
I'm just tossed around.
Thrown sky high only to hit the ground.
One two three.
All blody lines on me.
Can I just take one to my neck?
Get it all over with.
Wash the blood from my hands
Dress me nice.
I made the ultimate sacrifice.
I took myself away.
So you can have a worry free life.
You never needed me.
Until that day.
Imma just ******* cut!!!
Bleeding.

I am alive now.
Today I stand here.
I'm alive and out.
Listen to me dear.
I am alive now.
I am okay.
Today I'm alive and out.
I have waited for this day.
I am alive now.

Fear... fear you have layen upon my body.
Fear... fear you have forced into hers.
Breaths... breaths you've taken away.
Made harder to breath.
You've brought a sickness over me.
I lay in this room secluded unable to force myself to get up.
Three days straight I've layen here.
Sick with this awful sickness.
Unable to move.
Today I got up though.
Today I found strength enough to remove myself from the room and eat something.
All thanks to a man.
He wished me the best and shared his story with me.
He told me believing you can fight is the hardest part and that I am strong.
I am strong.
I can get past whatever this world throws at me.
I will not let it bring me down.

Alone here I am in this empty house.
Only thing I can here are the squeaks of dying mouse.
My cat has it by its neck.
Wait that's not correct.
The mouse bleed out on my floor.
Now it is a mouse no more.
So here I am here alone.
Just sitting here in the empty zone.
The room is dull.
The world is old.
Here in this empty house.
I can no longer hear the squeaking mouse.

Alone, locked in the night.
Alone, here where there's never any light.
Hear me scream.
See me lean.
Over the edge I fall.
Lifeless like a doll.
Gravity pushes me down.
Then bam I hit the ground.

A man who never would?
Or a man who never could?
The world has become a sad place.
A place where man hands man poison and begs him to taste.
Then the man stares.
As man dies man doesn't care.
All he does is stare.
He doesn't help.
He watches man scream and yelp.
Sorry my dear.
Nobody is here.
So as you can see,
Man ought to make a world of beauty.
A man who never would.
A man who never could.
A man who all along really should.

My hands shake.
My voice breaks.
Sweat beginning to run down my head.
Starting to wish i was dead.
Talking to you is the scariest yet best thing.
But it exposes my doubts.
What if I'm not good enough?
What if she hates me?
We are friends right?
She's just been different lately.
I'm sorry I get this way.
It happens almost every day.
It's mostly because of anxiety.

Leaving for some random reason.
Excuse me miss, but I left my thing there.
Be quick.
Yes mam'm.
When I get into the hall I wait for her.
The sweet face of a girl with blue hair.  
We walk to wherever we are going.
Today it was the bathroom and RO.
We talk and laugh.
Hug.
She wraps her arms around me.
Somehow I can sorta tell when she wants to.
Creating some reason to.
It's wierd because she still asks.
Softly, can I hug you?
Yes of course love! No need to ask...
By her asking I wonder...
Who made you think you needed to ask to hug someone?
Love I don't mind when you hug me.
I may even like it more than you do.
Your touch is crazy.
The feeling it sends through me.
When you stare into my eyes...
**** you have such beautiful brown eyes.
You always claim your hair looks bad.
No love, it is absolutely amazing.
Everything about you is amazing.
Everything is perfect.
Please don't ever feel like you have to change.
Don't change for anyone.
You are beautiful the way you are.
Just the way you are...

The darkness is here
The darkness cares.
But it doesn't.
The darkness lies.
The darkness cries.
But the darkness will  never die.

If you crossed her and I in the halls you'd never think...
never once would it cross your mind that she is indeed not sick.
You all make assumptions.
Often wrong.
Yes, it is true her head is bare.
No, she is not dying.
No, she doesn't do it to revolt against people.
She doesn't do it to stand out.
No, absolutely no, it does not concern you or affect the quality of your life any.
Before you judge a person.
Before you give her your condolences.
Think...
just take a moment to think.
It doesn't involve you.
If you don't know ask.
Don't assume.

He screams and shouts.
He ***** but I've never had a doubt.
This boy is the definition of love.
He's as pure as a dove.
There's something inside.
The difference makes him alive.
Such deep blue eyes.
People come down from highs.
He sits beside me and claps.
Never really sat close in people's laps.
Yes he is defined as a label.
His disorder is no fable.

Be brave little Elliott,
For it was not you who I should have be saying that to,
But myself I should have...
Little did I know the last year would be filled with broken dams releasing floods and pain.
A suicide and a partner who no longer just sees the love he has for you.
A virus and a life that feels forever ago.
Be brave little Elliott.
A dad who wanted to take your baby.
The shell of a person left behind.
Be brave.
A boyfriend who no longer just sees love in you.
Distant and angry
Then passionately caring.
But you know your not the only one he has those eyes for.
No matter how hard you try nothing can stop the nightmares.
Be brave because this world can make you feel incompetent and beaten.
Be brave little me.
Be brave me.

Black hair
Always there
Brown eyes
Glow at night
Sweet skin
Drawing me in
Long gone
Nothing but a forgotten song
I left you
It was stupid to do
Ill never get you back
I'm always under attack
You are still my only love
My pure white dove
I cry every night
Hold myself tight
Remember you there with me
Giving the life I couldn't see
I will never forget
You made me feel lit
A feeling I never had
Now I'm so very sad
But love don't feel bad
It had to happen
My life beauty always ends

I'm hidding behind a see through door.
My chest is full of feathers unable to carry air anymore.
Just wrap your hands around my fragile soul.
Turn my young mind into something old.
My heart raced too fast.
I wished every breath was my last.
Then I saw her.

I was born a sin.
I was born a lesbian.
For all you who think I chose to be this way.
You made a horrible mistake.
You think I would chose to be hated for my ****** orientation?
Do you think I would chose to get taunted and threatened more than once a week?
Do you think I love the way people stare at me when I so much as wear a button that says tolerance?
Do you think I like getting called a ***** and a sin?
Getting told I'm an abomination to the lord?
Do you think I like reading articals about gay bashing a and hearing from my gay uncle about his expirence growing up gay in nv?
He told me once when I first came out that I don't know if I'm lesbian, and if I ever think there is a possibility of being straight that I'd better go take that chance.
He knew what I would go through and wanted to protect me.
I got taunted and teased at school.
Stupid boys didn't leave me alone.
I relied on violence to protect myself.
Finally I began to get angry.
I wasn't okay anymore.
I spend more than half of middle school is residential treatment centers fighting depression and bipolar disorder.
I got to watch my girlfriend/ best friend turn into nothing due to drugs.
So you still think I chose to be this way?
Well *******!
I didn't get a choice.
It's not like I woke up and thought hey today I think I'll go be lesbian.
Go find a girlfriend and just do it despise all the homophobes out there because I like being difficult.

Dark nights.
No lights.
Being bipolar stung.
The pressure of the world on your lung.
Can't breath?
Lucky me.
Standing beside as I'm dying.
Lock me up while I'm crying.
Watch out for this one.
I just wanted the gun.
Pull the trigger back.
Let the bullet attack.
Be proud mom.
Look where my brain has gone.
Drugs... Drugs... Drugs...
Hold me down to this earth.
A new dawn, new emotions birth.
Honey the doctors can help.
You never listen as I scream and yelp.
Stop trying to fix me.
I'm unfixable can't you see?
Just be still.
Thanks to the drugs I never get my fill.
Always hunting for something more.
Burns and cuts galore.
I need the pain.
You all call me insane.
Today I'm blue.
Oh you are too?
Today I'm white.
I can't feel, can't fight.
I can't run.
I guess I'm just done.

Here I stand.
My mind is under command.
The men in white took me and locked me in a room.
One that's only for the crazies who face certain doom.
Stay here.
Don't have any fear.
We shall force meds down your throat.
Shove a needle into your vain.
Not allowed to talk to the opposite gender.
If you behaved sometimes you'd get to help the little kids.
Sweet little things.
Some in for homiside, attempted suicide, or worse.
I was in for a sum of the three plus some property destruction.
Guess mutilating yourself when your angry doesn't help.
Can't go back to old ways.
She helps me stay fighting everyday.

A moment trapped in her words.
A moment she is all holding me to this earth.
So many places is rather be.
But decide to stay for her.
I could be lost in space.
Far away.
Instead I'm here wishing she'd text.
Wishing she'd answer my questions.
Wishing she'd love me for me.
She is the blur of tears in my eyes.
Grabbing my hand by surprise.

That girl sitting there
Such a beautiful tradgedy
Her body a grave
Her mind a travesty
The memories that scream from the deep
The nights she stays awake when she should be asleep
A fine example of anorexia at its finest
Anorexia, thin and spineless
A ghost pushing on
No one questions what went wrong
A disaster barely alive
Her eating disorder began to strive
Pained by her surroundings
Few could see her drowning
Trying to stay afloat each day
Few questioned if she was okay
She was very much alone
'Til the day she was simply bones.

To most breathing is a natural thing.
The body must take in air to stay alive.
I though sometimes forget.
My body forgets how my lungs work.
Then I shut down.
No air enters my system.
You are not breathing.
Trying to catch my breath.
Yes I am fine.
Until panic sets in.
Panic attack makes it harder to breath.
God I'm so ugly when I cry.
Kristen made that go through my head.
Telling me that countless times.
I need to stop crying.
I need melody.
She helps me when **** happens.
It's okay just go to class.
The teacher will let you go to the bathroom for a minute.
I walked quickly on the verge of tears.
Eyes red and puffy.
This is how someone would react if they got dumped by their lover.
Not because they couldn't breath.
I locked eyes with rianna.
Oh ****, now she knows I'm a wimp.
Crying when I can't breath.
Almost to class when the bell rang.
Can I use the bathroom I said.
Yes grab the pass.
T
R
I
G
G
E
R
That caused a full panic attack.
The simple words allowing me to go to the bathroom caused me to break down.
The teacher looked at me.
What's going on sweetie???
She asked concerned.
C-can't breath!
The school nurse came and walked me down to her office.
Your okay she said.
Now tell me what has been going on?
I can't breath!
Yes more specifically.
I ran and couldn't breath then I had a panic attack.
Yes this is my life.
Barely breathing sometimes.
Having panic attacks over little things.
This is how I live.

Plans and dreams,
Turned to nothing,
Shadows in the night,
Seemed to give me a bit of delight.
You walk away.
I was speechless with nothing to say.
Now my friends are the shadows.
I'm tired of people who just come and go.
You finally love somebody.
Then they leave you trapped in your mind.
Lately it's hard to find,
Any noises but the soft whispers.
The ones only I can hear.
No longer safe in my head.
Not yet to the point of wishing I was dead.
Thoughts always spinning around.
My body was Nowhere near the ground.
High above reality.
Never realized what was happening.
All I knew was I had her and she had me.
But that was never the true story.
Two broken souls.
No story to be told.
Both too broken to ever love.
Putting there future behind them.
Only to return to the emptiness.

A.S
a random write. Nothing true about it.

No I am not
Bullet proof.
Yes if you shoot.
I will die.
I will probably die if you even just looked at me.
I stop breathing every time you speak.
It's quite odd.
I can't stand to be around you.
Only because I want to be around you.
Something is odd about you.
Non judgmental you.
You somehow know what to say.
You know what I've gone through.
You know what it's like.
To slice up your perfect pale skin.
You know what it's like to want to die.
You know what it's like to be unfixable.
That's the state I'm in.
Broken and unfixable.
Like an egg...
Oh gosh here we go again on eggs emily.
Eggs once they splat are unfixable.
Unfixable
Forever.
That's me.
An egg.
I'm
Nothing
But
An
Egg?
True?
Or false?

The smoke fills my lungs.
The drug took me high and flung.
Sky high now.
I don't want to come down.
But quickly crash.
Down down down.

My body shakes
My body aches
I have nothing left to give
I gave my life away
So she could stay
Just one more day
Every cry
The tear that seeps from my eyes
My heart beat slows
My skin no longer glows
My skin is pale
My body is frail
Breaking at the smallest touch
My hair used to be long
Now it's all gone
Long blonde hair
No longer there
Once smooth welcoming skin
Now dry unwelcoming and thin
I'm dying inside
But I stay for her
Not much more energy
Left inside me
I was living just for her
The love of my life now cries at night
Because I couldn't hold on anymore
Now I'm at peace
Died and just slipped away
I just couldn't stay

cancer is like a flood...
Unwanted and fast striking...
Before you know it it's taking down buildings and everything you were once familiar with.
Destroying everything...
sometimes without you knowing....
It starts small, you see?
A simple cell in the beginning....
Then it spreads fast...
Even if you build up walls and think it will never come back if can still come back....
Like the river...
You try to find ways to keep it from flooding,
But that doesn't stop it.
It comes back stronger and higher each time until it spills over and floods towns....
Cancer is like that except inside your body...
It starts small and if you catch it soon enough you can do stuff against it...
But sometimes it comes back stronger and destroys everything...

Grievance is the functioning body,
Cardiopulmonary distress is the paving of the road to the end,
And with every beat, every pump, it gets closer to failure,
And yet still in the distress it continues,
Continues to pump the blood through the arteries,

You say the greatest heart is yours, the one that grieves passionately,
The one that jumps out of your chest as it speeds up,
The one that could stop all in a second,
That grieved when she took her last breath,
When you believe your heart would go into myocardial infarction.

You’ve felt it in the hardest push,
And in the loudest pump,
Yet you never,
Allowed it to stop in functioning,
To stop pumping the blood.

The
Cat
Drug
It's
Nail
Down
My
Skin.
Was
It
The
Cat
Though
Or
Is
That
What
I
Want
You
To
Believe?

Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
One second everything's great the next you want to die.
I honestly don't want to be here anymore.
I guess I'm hanging on for her.
We were had plans together.
Now they are nothing.
Reality went to dreams.
Now I will see her in my sleep.
Wanting to run to her and hug her tight.
Knowing I just want to stay out of sight.
She said if I cut so will she.
I told her she has more potential than me.
I begged her not to leave.
She said she'd need time to think.
I wasn't ready for that today.
She left me speechless no words to say.
Numb.
Finger laying on the trigger of the gun.
Not being able to run to anyone.
Her in the dark my thoughts run wild.
A ******* confused little child.
I want to light up agin.
Put my worries to an end.
I thought I was clean.
No longer had a need.
Leaning on nicotine as my only relief.
Smoking more and more
**** nobody cares.
People really do.
My mind denies it.
Just wanting to forget.
Addicted to running silver down my arm again and again.
The blade is one of my few friends.
Put the gun to my head the end.

Just like a child
Young and wild.
Never setting limits.
Racing through life.
Never knowing wrong from right.

The classroom is cold.
Dead and old.
The classroom is silent.
Dead and quiet.
The classroom is empty.
Dead and alone.
Yet this classroom is so similar to my home.
Old... Quiet... And empty...
Yes the definition of dead.

The breeze runs over me.
Almost setting me free.
Free from the ups and downs.
Moods high only to hit the ground.
The constant change.
My mind always being rearranged.
Walking down the halls rwmaining close to walls.
Wanting to escape the crowded.
I feel safe when no one is around.
Feel stable on the ground.
I don't wisper under my breath.
Don't let the anxiety control my movements.
I pretend to listen to music even when my phones dead.
It's only because I don't want to talk to people.
Actually deep down I want someone.
Someone who will stick around.
Not just push me down.
Not make me feel worthless.
Not make me emotionless.
Thad why I like the breeze.
I finally feel free.

Yea it can be valued.
Yea it can hurt.
It's not always good criticism.
people can pick you apart for every little flaw.
That outfit makes you look like a boy.
Didn't know there were standards for dressing.
Mum I can start dressing exposed and female like.
Start going out in nothing at all.
How's that for female.
Just kidding.
I would never be able to walk out exposed and yeah no.

Sick of all the battles
The ones that shouldn't be
Problems that shouldn't excist.
Melody
Life
Cutting
Burning
Emily
Anger
Suicide
**** what if I just said it was over?
What if I just said I wanted to take my life?
Would you guys still care?
If one dark night I started taking pills?
One night I cut too deep.
One night I cried until I couldn't breath?
Sick of it all.
I bleed to heal others.
I ******* die everyday to see you smile.
You never smile.
You make it seem like you don't care.
I just want it all to be over.
This time I'm not just venting in writing.
This time I'm being legit.
This might be the last poem.
I don't know.
I've pretended to be okay.
Well I'm not okay!
Just sick of it all

Cut your wrist baby.
Bleed just for me.
Tell me I never ******* cared.
Guess I was never there.
Try to run away.
Na babe where you going stay.
Create some stupid excuse on why you gotta go.
Yeah go be a stupid *** ***.
Sleeping around with your best friend.
That's a problem with lesbians.
I chose you.
Then what do you do?
Right after I think I can trust again
You go and rip open what we tried to mend.
Well ******* then.

Grab my hands.
Dance with me.
Pulled in close.
Stay here with me.
Yes you don't even know.
How much you really mean.
You are one of the reasons I breath.
Your every word draws me in.
Every move makes me weak.
Weaker to you.
Falling hard.
For once I actually want to fall.
Fall into you.
Feel your heart beat.
Your lips on mine.
Every kiss frightening and beautiful.
Wanting to grow old.
Only with you love.
Late at night.
Texting you til daylight.
Staying up as long as I can.
Dreaming of you.
Seeing you.
Morning lunch whenever we can.
Life's to short.
You say to live in the moment.
Never try to rush.
I'm always somewhere out of my mind.
Living strewn about over time.

Roses are red...
Violets are blue...
I'm just gonna stop this crap...
And come out and say I love you.
I know sometimes I'm not poetic.
Sometimes really quite pathetic.
But you'll never find a girl who loves you more.
It's like one day I opened a door.
Let you in.
Gosh, I don't know where to begin,
How do I explain the day when it all changed,
How to I explain the way my mind became rearanged?
You were always there.
Somewhere.
I'd see you everywhere.
Smile as I walked the halls.
My thoughts bouncing off the walls.
Never had I met a girl so beautiful.
Never had I picture a new story to be told...
Willingly I decided this was all part of a bigger plan.
Gladly, I took your hand.
Slowly day after day,
Growing closer to you.
Until we were the inseparable two.
Your hand in mine.
Always by my side.
Eating lunch.
Following routines.
Everything simply meant to be.
Day by day I began to fall,
Harder and harder,
There was no going back.
My heart was under attack.
Quickly you won the war.
Taking over my heart.
Making it beat off the charts.
Every time I saw you my stomach spun.
I could definatly tell you were the one.
Never had I met a girl like you.
Never again do I want to.
(Didn't mean that in a bad way)
Your the only girl I ever want to be with.
Still asking my self on the daily how did I get so lucky.
Your...
Stunning,
Mesmerizing,
Beautiful,
Gorgeous,
Caring,
Deep minded,
Amazing,
Breath taking,
And everything in between.
So the story of us.
You've lived it once before.
Well only a chapter.
We have many yet to go.
so,
This book won't write its self,
So let me begin again,
Never going to reach the end...
I'll start this page.
Simply by saying...
I am madly in love with you.
And absolutely everything you do.

Once attentive and focused.
Now thoughts scrambled and strewn.
Impossible to figure out.
I am impossible.
Living on the edge.
Yet scared of everything.
Panic attacks flush over me too much.
Emotions take over me.
Only a few people help when the emotions hold tight.
The ones who have talked me out of suicide late at night.
The ones who have tried to sell my sister drugs.
The ones who  help me breath when breath is gone.
The ones who find words when I'm stuck in the wrong.
Floating around here I stay.
Until a stronger day.

Does the word ring a bell?
Ever feel trapped in your own
Personal hell?
Regretting every move?
Everything is dark
Storm clouds linger in the air.
Storm clouds that grow darker
It's not even sadness
Over and over the feeling screams
Numb is all I feel.

Depression is an empty feeling

Depression watches me.
Waiting for the ****.
Depression tugs me under the waves.
Under the waves of the grey sea.

Depression holds on tight.
Wraps its arms around me.
It wispers in my ears.
Rocks me to sleep every night.

Depression is listening when I cry.
It drys the tears from my cheeks.
It encourages me to sleep.
It tells me when I should die.

Depression stares as I fall over the edge.
Depression talks in my ear.
Says sorry my dear.
I pushed you off the ledge.

And now depression made me dead.

Diner was calm.
The tv off not on.
We sat there like statues.
Pretending everything was fine.
Yes pretending was something you've always been good at dad.

I knew you lost your job.
I knew your car capped out.
Never once did I speak.

You knew I had relationship problems.
You knew I was becoming sicker.
Yet never once did you speak.

You were a homophobe.
You didn't want to believe half of it.
I didn't want to see your life go downhill.
Especially now.

So to ease the tension, I picked up the baby and got in the Prius and drove to my girlfriends house.
Just for you I kissed her like there was no tomorrow.
I'm sorry.
Me too.

The baby cooed.
She smiled gently.
Yes everything was okay.
But at the same time it wasn't.
I guess that's alright.
At least I have her and I'm still alive.
The tiny life will keep her company when I'm gone.
The tiny life will need her when I'm gone.
I can't be sad.
Looking back on the life I had.
A happy, for the most part, family.
Beautiful baby girl.
Beautiful significant other.
Beautiful childhood.
Surrounded by beauty.
Yeah life was good.