My second year in college
I was enrolled in LGBT psychology
I had just contacted my insurance
Regarding the possibility of top surgery
Although the website included it
They told me they wouldn't cover it
My heart caved in on itself
And I knew it wasn't going to happen
Then one day during class
We had guest speakers there
One of them was a trans woman
Who had transitioned successfully
I was wholly inspired again and
When I asked her some questions
I began crying uncontrollably
I was surprised and embarrassed
In a way I knew she understood
And then I repressed that pain
I knew I'd have to wait for it and
I didn't want to hurt that much along the way

At some point in college
I was dating my first long-term girlfriend
She knew about my being trans
But we didn't talk about it too much
Sometime during that period
She told me that
She didn't think that she could
Stay with me if I made the choice
To take hormones
Or to get bottom surgery
At that point in my life
I didn't want to lose her or that love
So I decided that I didn't want those things anymore
That I felt good enough without them
Now that it's been a few years
I'm just realizing that I lied to myself
I chose to repress those desires
In order to preserve my relationship
And it took three years after that
To even realize what I'd done to myself

Handprints collide
All our warmth intertwined and
In the dewy space between
I feel your heartbeat echoing mine
Our foreheads pressed together
I'm begging for your soul to melt into mine
I want to mix with you like oil in water
But these bodies are so constricting
This life we walk is a lonely one
We seek closeness beyond our broken skin
And maybe one day when this life is done
Our souls can connect for eternity
I adore you with every ounce of my being
Within every imperfectly perfect moment
Beyond all words and understanding
I'll love you forever and forever after

Trans
Enough?
I am
Trans,
Am I
Enough?
Others
Accept me
I've experienced
Little
Rejection
Not like
Others have
Yet
I
Still
Feel
Like I
Am Not
Trans
Enough

I walk around these places
Trans-centric spaces
Yet I don't feel like I belong
I know that
I look like them
And based on my reading
I feel like them too
Though I still have this sense
That I somehow do not count
I am not quite enough
I feel without a place
Maybe because last time
I was at a trans art show
And my art lives in words
Not in images on canvas
Just another piece of me
That doesn't quite feel
Real enough or
Good enough
To be taken seriously
And I know
I know
This all boils down to
The way I treat myself
But I'm trying
I'm trying
Some things just take time

While I likely have no rhythm
and tend to trip over my feet
that would hold back a dance.

While I have debilitating anxiety
that highlights others’ stares
I may still give it a chance.

No, see, the reason I won’t dance
has way more to do with my body
and the fact that I’m trans.

As I move through the world
I feel the weight of my identity
in both physical and mental distress.

Of course everyone has baggage
that doesn’t stop them from jiving
but not everyone has to carry it on their chest.

Dancing requires movement of my entire frame
but the person I see in my head
isn’t the one that light reflects.

How can I move without highlighting
the feminine figure my clothes conceal?

How can I jive
while hiding how my chest wiggles?

Can they tell?
Girl?
Guy?
What do they see?

The questions anchor my body to the ground
So I cannot move.
I cannot dance.

I feel so alone
Even though we're still together
You've got two other partners now
And I tried to find one other
but that didn't work either
Because I didn't feel the connection I feel with you
And I honestly don't think I ever will
And I hate that
I resent you for that
Because I am dying right now
And I want to ******* run
But if I leave I'll die anyways
So what's the point?

I lived with depression
For almost my entire life
And this hurts more than that
I've been cheated on many times
By many loves
And this hurts more than that
I take blades to my shins
And this hurts so much more than that
Cause that's the only thing that sets me free anymore

Because I am ******* trapped
You've taken all of the control away from me
And I know it's not intentional
But I can't stop this anger
It's consuming me and I'm taking it out on you
Parts of me want to

But mostly I want to be alone
Because I'm a ******* mess right now
And I feel entirely isolated anyways
And having people around will only hurt more
Because it doesn't change anything
Nothing does
And I don't know if it ever will

I sit in front of the tv
Brainwashed into thinking
That this monotonous existence
Constitutes living
I feel my mind screaming
For something more engaging
Instead of the useless stuff
Seeping from my screen
Sometimes the only breaks I take
Are just me looking from that screen
To another smaller version in my hand
I feel exhausted emotionally
Unable to engage in many things
But I refuse to give these screens
This kind of power over me
I am a human being
Not a lifeless creature
I need to find something better
To break this habit that's killing my creativity
It's killing my energy
My motivation
My attention span
And I will not have it
Not anymore
I will find something more satisfying
More promising in engagement

And then I wonder
Is this what it was like
When books were first written?
Or is this unique to electronic media?

When did things change so much?
When did I get so encapsulated
Into the world of technology?
When did I stop listening
To myself and my own thoughts
And instead add another view
To some article or YouTube video
Just to reach some spoon-fed "opinion"?

When did we stop engaging
In life and with ourselves?
When did playing video games turn to
Watching other people play them online
Numbing our brains to the world
And "filling" our social needs digitally?
When did watching television turn into
Binge-watching an entire series in one sitting?

With this much constant stimulation
It's no wonder we're bored so easily
And that no one goes outside anymore
And that I don't feel alive anymore
Because one of the first things I do
When I get home from work or the gym
Is turn on the smart tv so it can warm up
Because the apps on it take time to load
And I already know that my free time
Will be spent in front of that screen

Lately I've been nervous about
Eventually moving in with new people
Primarily because I spend a lot of my time
Passively using the television
I was concerned with how we'd balance our usage
Instead of considering changing the way I spend my time

When did I start placing my use of technology
Above my own self-care?
When I spend hours watching YouTube
But still forget to take a shower sometimes
And I truly wonder if my recent urges
To leave the state to work on a farm for a month
Are more indicative of some deep desire
To unplug and reset my energy and priorities
Than my interest in agriculture or
Learning to live off of the land

When did I start to feel the need
To take such drastic measures
To change something so simple
Something I could choose to disengage with
At the simple touch of a button?

Hands over my ears and my eyes are clenched, there's too much noise.
Head on knees and knees to chest, my body wants to absorb itself.
I'm surrounded by screaming, and it's my own voice, myself from a time before.
"No"
More than anything
"No."
My heartbeat expels all of the air from my lungs, and they won't fill back up
But I am still screaming.
It's as if snakes are slithering across my bare chest, and my eyelids burn as I lock them tighter.
There is no way out of this, but it feels too big to survive.
Now along with "No," the voices are screaming "Run."
A command that echoes through every cell in my body.
Every hair is on end, every nerve is alert.
My muscles ache to move, as my heart pours blood through every limb.
But I am still frozen,
Tangled in a heap of myself on the ground.
Since my body has failed me, my mind bears the weight.
Speeding through every option, every possible source of control
Slamming sharply into blame.
Because if this is your fault then I can walk away
I can leave you, thinking I'm free from the pain.
But this isnt your fault; this isnt you.
My fear is my own and leaving wont change that.
It's my voice that says you'll leave.
Mine whispering that I dont matter.
The voice of a terrified child with no control, The erratic and panicked thrashing of a traumatized brain.
My thoughts are a symphony of terror and understanding,
Fear, and the awareness of it.
I want to build connection with this brain inside mine.
So I will sit here and listen as she screams.
Absorb the bullets of fear and shame, aimed at myself.
I will hold space for this neglected part of me.
I will honor the part I have always blamed.
It isn't her fault, and her truth isnt mine.
And although I feel everything,
We both deserve peace.

I am pacing through existence
Carefully avoiding the people and the potholes
I meet you at the dim edge of a doorway
You look stunning in the moonlight
The light reflecting your pale skin and chiseled features
I reach for your hand but it's occupied
A silver key hangs from blood-red ribbon
My brow furrows as you delicately release the deadbolt
Cautiously you beckon me closer
The door cracks just enough to release
Gentle blue light that dances across the frame
I am intrigued and lean in beside you
Suddenly, as you carefully release the ****
An aggressive breeze rips past us
Slamming open the door but you seem unphased
While the shrill and guttural sirens of screams
Bring me to my knees
Eyes closed and hands clawing at my ears
I can feel a hole tearing open my chest
I want to yell but my throat fails me
I can barely breathe and
There is only noise and darkness
My head is about to explode
As I pummel my fists into the earth
Begging for air in a fit of rage
I scream as fire explodes from within me
Spinning circles of flames
Charred barriers surround me
As the silence creeps back into focus
My breath is ragged and labored
I'm convinced I've barely survived
But when I raise my gaze
There are tears flooding yours
And purple burns trace your skin
There's a shiny new lock on the door
And although I feel safe once again
I know I've just broken you more

I love you
More than words can explain
I fall for your voice
And how it characterizes your words
We talk for hours on end
About everything and nothing
It feels like time stops
When I'm in your presence
But once we check the clock
We realize it's passed at double speed
Alone we are strong
Together we are powerful
Untouchable
This love outweighs all the bad things
All the difficult conversations
The anxiety-provoking misunderstandings
For once I don't feel the need
To attempt to control everything around me
Because this time around
I trust you
And I trust in us
And that's a beautiful thing

Oh it's sad to see the summer go
When we just began having fun
But it's terrifying to think
That soon we won't be so young.
Next year we'll be gone
Out of this town
And away from these people
That we've grown up with all along.
So it's time to make a change
Leave our mark and take control
Scream 'forget it all'
And just let everything go.
And if we don't return someday,
To these streets among our journeys
We still won't forget;
It'll live on forever in our memories.

Tempting desires,
Potential relapses,
Have this amazing ring;
They sound so good.
The pain is so enticing,
It keeps pulling me in closer,
To feeling alive;
I'm finally sure I am.
By a cut through the haze of daily life
And through a part of thin skin
Yeah I'm masochistic;
More like addicted to pain.
One way or another
Inflicted by you
Or by my own hands.
It's been so long
And healed scars don't show anymore.
The stories they hold now buried into nothing.
My stories
My life
Faded and I can no longer remember
The road I took to get here.

I take solace in knowing
That in a few hours
I get to choose
How much to bleed
How deep to go
I get to make the choice
And take control
Over this one thing at least

I want to feel the pain
I want to stain my arms
I am and deserve
Nothing
I am a broken human
Waiting to feel alive
Seeking high after high
In drug after person
After drug and
I am lonely but
I want to be alone
I don't want him to see me
See the ways I wish to bleed
Just let me be
Nothing
Until I become
A self-fulfilling prophecy

I love myself
Even if I do not know them yet
I can learn and grow
And discover my truth

Time heals all pain
It will let me live again
I can accept that I cannot change
Into exactly who I want to be yet
Because I know one day it will happen
And I will be free from this trauma

But I must put in the work
I must be diligent with my time
Not must
This is a choice I am making
I choose to give myself time to heal
A space to be myself
And a chance to grow
A chance to be happy
And one day I will be

Everything about you is unexpected
From the vibe when we first spoke
To the safety and peace between us
When I first realized I liked you
I figured the feelings would fade away
Like ashes in the wind
Drifting into nothingness
I didn't think you'd like me back
Or that we'd ever really talk about it
Yet here I am stumbling over myself
Trying to process feelings I don't understand
A complicated and beautiful maze
Walls of green, laced with delicate flowers

I feel so alone
Trapped in this life
To me
Intimacy is defined by trust
And since I have issues with that
I'm simply empty
We were so good at one point
Then things changed
And now I don't trust you
I chose not to see you today
I didn't even want to talk
What's happening to me?
What's happening to us?
I feel like nothing
I am not happy
Yet I don't know what to do about it
I could stay with you
With the hopes of fighting this storm
Or I could leave
And forever question my decision
There is nothing easy about this
Loving you used to be so simple
It used to make so much sense
Now I'm not so sure

No words,
Could express my gratitude for you.
No monetary amount,
Could pay you back for what you've done for me.
I couldn't even imagine what my life would be like right now,
Without having had you there.
I started as a stupid freshman,
With no ambitions or plans for college,
Now I'm a junior and have high hopes and plans for my future.
I still can't believe you're over;
A tragic government cut, above our control.
I guess that's just the way the world works sometimes.
But even now,
When you're no longer able to go on
You continue giving,
To myself and everyone you've touched,
Even though we took you for granted for so long.
I'd always thought that you didn't matter to me,
So much as you truly did, and do.
You gave me so much opportunity,
New friends
A new mindset
And an entirely new outlook on the world.
You've honestly saved my life.
And for that I am eternally grateful.

When I'm with you, nothing else exists
Only you and your gorgeous smile
Our lips touch and I melt into you
Challenges and frustrations evaporate
As my soul sinks into a dance with yours
It's a feeling like warmth and home
It's all so new and yet
I feel safe lying here with you
Skin to skin, heart to heart
These feelings are indescribable
I trace gentle kisses across your face
And nuzzle my nose against yours
I'd stay here forever if I could
But these fleeting moments are more than enough

I like you
More
Than I like other friends
Somehow our connection
Feels
So much different
Much more intense
Thoughts
Spinning wildly in my brain
Knowing deep down
You
Could never feel the same
My feelings for you are
Unreal
They feel wild and dangerous
It's like ripping open my
Soul
Being immensely vulnerable
Constantly craving the
Honesty
Yet so viscerally afraid of the truth
I want to drown this part of
Me
Let it float out to sea
Pretend it's not
Real
Until that becomes reality
Til then I'll beg the
Universe
To let me be free
I'm so scared it's
Love
Too much, too fast, too me

I'm walking to therapy
The sun is hot on my black clothing
I feel calm as i let my mind wander
I wonder what I'll talk about today
I could discuss my relationship
Since its been a bit rocky lately
Or I could talk about harder stuff
Like you
I could talk about you

Just the thought dries my lungs out
Takes my breath away from me again
You're always doing that
The buildings around me feel taller now
More suffocating, closing in around me
And the office, I can see is just 2 blocks down,
Suddenly stretches like a band
Pulling further away from me
With a tension that makes me dizzy
Its like im walking down a tunnel and
The soles of my shoes feel like boulders
Weighing me down, throwing off my balance
I don't want to get there now
I no longer feel real
Thoughts of you change everything
I don't want to talk about you
And that's exactly why I need to

I can't tear down these walls on my own
But I can stand up and fight these demons all alone.
I know that what I do isn't right
Yet I forget that in the midst each day's fight.
So call me a poser, call me fake
But I only do it for your own sake.
Before you get too attached
And find out I'm no perfect match.
I'll push you out as far as I can
So you won't see how weak I really am.
Then again maybe all I really need
Is for someone to truly see,
That these involuntary walls
Only take the work of two to fall.
It's just no one has found it worth the time
Or had the desire to call me 'Mine'.

That amazing moment
When I say I'm fine
And truly mean it.

That feeling of relief
When I no longer feel the anxiety
Tugging at my soul.

That sinking point
When I have to wonder if this is for good
Or just for the night.

White, my hands of ice
Warmed by the chilled blade upon my palm.
A touch of red
Blurs pink.
No light,
Just white, and fade
The frozen air begins to warm
as the water drips from my soul
onto the bedroom floor.

Go ahead,
Hide behind some makeup and fake smiles
Make some new 'friends' and have some fun
But don't try to lie to the ones that know you best.
The ones who have been here from the start.

Let your fake smile speak fake words
Fake sympathies followed by true deceptions
Whether you mean it or not, you still say what you do.
Don't expect them not to find out.
Fool them once, shame on you.
Try to fool them when they know the truth better than you, and you become the fool.

Fine, don't care.
Throw your life away.
But when you get stuck,
And all your 'friends' have disappeared,
Don't act like you care after throwing us aside like trash.
Don't try to come back.

Chance after chance we gave you,
And we've gotten tired of waiting.

I'm paid to paste this smile on my face
Though it's rarely ever there
Because money doesn't motivate the clinically depressed
As much as we all would like it to

No, I won't make it easy on you
It sure is hell isn't easy on me
Driving through town with my music loud
And a pain so heavy I can barely breathe
Trying to drown out the hurt in endless caffeine
That only makes my heart race faster
And my breath more shallow

And most nights it seems I'm fading
Into the hell that is this life
Because I feel almost nothing
Except the shame and guilt that comes with existing

And my counselor says that
dissociation occurs most
with having done something awful
But how can I explain that
Simply living my life
Feels like an awful thing
And my heart tells me that
Death is my destiny

When I think about my future I can't see anything.
It's blurry
and always has been.

Except with you.

When I try to reroute my plans,
I cannot handle the thought of you
not by my side.

I ruined everything.

Because I don't know how to love.

I know I love you, though.

I just don't know in what way.

I wish I had the answers
that would set us free.

Even if that freedom means
you no longer beside me.

The scary thing is
You could be enough for me
The intensity of these feelings
And our insane connection
Might be enough alone
But I'm afraid to give you all of me

It begins as a beige cylinder
Atop a slightly smaller beige cylinder
Upheld by a flat foundation
A beige circle
Equal in size
To one side of the smaller cylinder
Spin spin spin
With gentle fingertips
Until I reach 3/4 of an oval
Attached to the larger cylinder
Instead of closing on itself
It fuses with the wall
Melting into one piece
Speckled with black scrapes
And brown stains
Proof of its use
In ways intended by its creator
And maybe a few that weren't

I gave up my lover
And I gave up my friends
Slowly I become more alone
Counting the days til my dreams come true
And yet I've tied myself down to you
Allowed you to enter my broken soul
To hear my voice and see my tears
Because though I want to die
I'd rather live through this searing pain
If it means
I wake up to you every day

When you left me
My heart imploded and
It felt like I died

But I was still breathing
And each breathe tasted like smoke
From the fire you lit inside me

I loved you and felt more
In my emotions and my body
Than I think I ever will again

The hot mix of love and anger coursed through my veins
While the cold sting of forgiveness and emptiness filled my lungs
And it left me a freezing, burning mess of confusion and contentment

You were awful to me most days
I cried myself to sleep to your silence
But if you were nice the next morning I rejoiced and felt happy again

Now I am rotting inside
Because what I feel for these women
Is not what I felt for you

I feel empty vibrations in the caverns of my chest
I hear depressing gongs in my ears as they tell me they love me
I feel nothing when I say it back

This guilt is a vine that grows throughout my body
It begins in my lungs and steals my breath away
And it forces my limbs to act without emotion

I am cursed with genes that promote impulsivity and high emotionality
And by a past muddied with traumatic events that still hinder my existence
And by my own choices that have led me to hurt so many innocent people
In my quest to find myself

I am so broken and I don't want pity
I just want to understand why
I ruin every good thing that enters my life

Every day I have to maneuver between reality and what's in my head
I cannot determine if what I feel is real or if it's just the result of years of repression
All I know is that my rotting insides are overgrown with vines that keep me moving
Even though I just want to die.

I feel your soul as you lay beside me
Sound asleep but I'm still awake
Days like these I wish I could hold onto
But this much emotion also breeds fear
Fear of hurt
Fear of pain
Fear of losing myself again
I love you
And this is hard
Even though you're under the most pressure
This situation is pushing me too
Of course it's worth it
But that doesn't make it easy
I'll always keep trying though
Because this love is worth it

You say you love me,
Then threaten to leave me.
When does this love
Become unhealthy?

When you tell me that
After this
I can't have any more partners?
As though I had any say in yours.

When you enforce a set of boundaries
While completely disrespecting
Those I ask of you?

When you don't want to hear about it
But you do want to hear about it
And if I don't tell you about it
Then you're just as upset
As if I'd brought it up?

When you call me while I'm working
Yelling because you say I ****** up
And you want to hear me cry
Because then you'll know
That I still care about you?

When you're telling me
How in love you are with me
And how you love when we connect
While telling your other partners
That I'm really just immature
And a horrible person for
Trying to hold your hand?

What about when
You're trying to control
Your partner's and my behavior
By telling them that
They can't hang out with me
Or be my friend anymore
Since it's a choice of solidarity
And it breaks their loyalty to you?
Completely disregarding that
We are best friends too?

Or when you expect me to call into work
Because you aren't satisfied with
The way our discussion ended
And you think that you need to be
Always my main priority
Over even my financial security?

When I'm expected to be present
Whenever you want to talk about us
Or about an issue we're having
But if you don't want to talk about it
Then you'll just turn your phone off?

Or what about when
You boast about how
Open and transparent you are
Then turn around and
Expect me to know what your feeling
And how to fix it
Before we even talk?
And if I don't know
Then I guess I'm just stupid
Which only makes you more angry

And lastly,
What about when
I'm trying to talk to you about the things
That are causing me pain
But you can't even listen to me
Because you just get angry
Because of course I'm just demonizing you?
And even if my feelings are valid
So are yours
And you think I'm wrong
So nothing ever changes

When do I draw the line
And walk away from this "love"
That I honestly
Don't know if I feel anymore?

These scars lay on my skin
Delicately placed by surgical blades
Carefully crafted into my skin
They are art
They are a part of me
As always
I love these residual lacerations
This brail across my body
Telling my story for me
To those primed to receive it
The soft pink tissue raises slightly on my right
Agitated and stretched
Red from my inability to afford
Additional healing time away from work
Imperfect
Uneven
Visible
Beautiful
I love these pieces of myself
I love watching their journey
Through recovery and lifting
Feeling the changes tingle across my skin
As my body begins to trust me again

I want to take the blade to my wrists
And my legs
And my thighs
But I know it won't help
Because this hurts more than that would

I want to get wasted
Drink until I pass out
Or throw up all of this emotion
Maybe then I won't feel this pain
But I know that won't help
Because once it wears off I'll feel even worse

I want to get ****** out of my mind
To get as high as possible until these feelings can't touch me
But that will not help
Because the past few times I've smoked
It's only made me more in tune with my anger
Releasing all of the adrenaline into my system
Until I can't even look at you

I want to die
Because that's the only way out of this
I feel like I can't leave you
But I don't know if I can stay either
And if I'm dead I won't feel anything
I won't have to breathe
When each inhale fuels the anger in me
I won't have to think
All of the thoughts that are consuming me
I won't have anything
I won't be anything
And since I feel that anyways
What's the point of this?

They say love can conquer any battle
Strong as fire,
Clear as ice,
Nothing can destroy it so easily.
Because true love holds on despite conflict,
Despite any belief in its hopelessness.
But I don't believe in love.
Not when the best example
Has fallen apart right in front of me.
When the fight becomes too much,
When the fire spreads too far,
There's nothing you can do.
When harsh reality decides to show up at your door,
Demanding its entrance.
And you have no choice but to give in
It's beyond our control.
It's beyond understanding.
So 'love' is only temporary
Only there until the flame burns out,
And then it's dead.

It's a shame to see someone reach a moment when everything is so overwhelming that they'd prefer to cease their breathing  than to feel it for another second.

It's even worse to understand that the only time you actually see it is after a blade or a bottle of pills; or maybe a gun or some rope.

You only know it when you read the scrawled out goodbyes of the quiet girl who seemed to have everything right in life.
But still you never truly know.
You never truly feel her pain.

This is for the ones who couldn't make it.
For the ones who had it hard and couldn't push on.
Those who fought with everything they had until there was nothing left.
The ones who felt they were never good enough, or that no one cared.
And for the ones who were never given a chance.

I'm sorry for the hate you endured, the pain you felt, and the people who didn't see. Or those who chose not to.

I'm sorry for the moments when all that was holding you back was a song, or a band, instead of a loving hand.

I'm sorry we couldn't be there.
You are not forgotten.

The city of fog
Just outside a city of smog
I don't want to be here
Not after an afternoon in the sun
The cool breeze and
Clean air from big trees
I could finally breathe again
No pressure
No anxiety
No haunting memories
Just myself and the universe
Running across the snow covered rocks
I could easily slip at any moment
But I felt no fear
I felt nothing but free
Yet here I am again
Trapped in an industrial city
Surrounded by death and capitalism
Sure there's some parks
Some controlled spaces of nature
But it's not the same
It's maintained and constructed intentionally
It is not free
It cannot thrive and grow without scrutiny
Take me back to the hills and trees
The rock formations unfazed by human contact
You can feel the energy within it
Even the broken trees lining the ground have life
But not here
It's all dead
Nothing is natural
We think it's beautiful because it's shaped that way
But real nature is beautiful
Simply because it exists as it is
It embodies it's own existence
And nothing compares to that

White boy
With your inherent privilege
Straight.
White.
Boy.
Privilege.
Please, make another joke
About ****** harassment
No, really
It's funny right?
Especially because you're joking that
Your male coworker is sexually harassing you
Gay jokes are funny too, huh?
Ironically,
That's the same male coworker
Who I had to explain
Just hours beforehand
How the ****** encounter he described
Did not include informed consent
How fitting.
So,
White boy,
I'm curious how you'll fare
After I told the manager
About the content of your jokes
(Not the proudly homophobic one,
Luckily?
Right.)
Who then looked uncomfortable
But seemed pleased when I told him that
I had already called you out
Because that means he doesn't have to
Because he wouldn't anyways
It doesn't affect him
Just some harmless humor
Ok.
So then I tell my coworker about your joke
Who then responds with:
"He's still doing that ****?"
Apparently so
Apparently.
So.
Because no one there seems to care
About jokes that put me
The only person at work read as a girl
(Which I'm not by the way)
In an extremely uncomfortable position
Why is no one else uncomfortable?
Why does no one else say anything?
Right,
They're all like you
Or they don't want you to judge them
Because you have that power
Because you're a
Straight.
White.
Boy.

Flying high in the clouds
And my body begs for you to touch me
But the second you begin to explore my pale skin
A voice in my head calls out
"You know she's not ok, right?"
"She doesn't want to do this"
"She only feels obligated cause it's what you want"
I disconnect as you ask how I am
I'm not sure how to answer that one
I know my incessant worrying bothers you
But these thoughts are not my own
They're being thrown like knives
Piercing the thin layer of my consciousness
Bleeding until it's bothersome enough to ask you
And you say you're ok
But they say you're lying.

They say blood is thicker than water
And though that may be true in physicality
The sentiment is bull
I'm supposed to forgive someone
For not protecting me when they should have
Just because we share the same DNA?
Why should someone have the power
To emotionally abuse and manipulate me
Just because we're related?
Why can't I have the power to walk away
And even when I have that autonomy
Why does society judge me for my decision?
Where is my say?
They say you can't choose your family
You can't choose where you're born into
But I also didn't choose to be born at all
So why does the extreme chance that I
Just happened to be born into this family
Have to secure me for life in an unhealthy situation?
I do have another family
And we do not share blood
We love each other and
Respect one other
We don't abuse and neglect or ignore each other's needs
We're there and
We care.
So why would I sit here and take this crap
From someone who's supposedly family
When I have so many more people
That actually care
And don't need to manipulate me
To satisfy their own needs

Did I ever tell you
Why I stopped drinking?
Why I am so terrified
To take a sip alone?
How that one time after class
My heart was broken
And I skipped the glass
And drank straight from the bottle?
How I crumbled into a ball
Under my favorite blanket
My mind screaming through the halls
Fighting off the demons trying to drown me?
Of course I always want to die
That's something I've learned to live with
But never before in my life
Had I known that I could give in.
Yet there I lay crying
Wasted with a racing mind
Begging to give in to dying
But instead I went to sleep.
So when my depression intensifies
And I run to my substances
I am so terrified
So alcohol is the last option.
Because it could be my last decision.

How do you let go of something that means so much to you?
How can I move on when my heart is stuck on its beat?
I just want the pain to stop
But I can't let go of the hope
That one day you'll change your mind
Because what if you do?
What if I'm not prepared and I lose you again?
I know I'm delusional for thinking you'd come back
But in a life as dark as this
I can't let go of the shred of light I have
Not again

11:32am
My alarm goes off
I should probably shower
But I lay here and read poetry instead

11:40am
I could probably still shower
It's cold and the hot water would feel nice
But this sadness anchors me to my bed
So I write some poetry instead

11:52am
I'm still writing
And I definitely haven't showered
I need to get dressed to leave at noon
When did I get so bad at deadlines?

12:03pm
My ride is here
I'm still not dressed
No binder today
So I throw on an old sweater and some sweats
Good enough for me