I find it funny
That you don't take me seriously
Until these words
Stain your phone screen
I feel that though
Because I could say anything
But if I write it then
You know it's real

Curled in a ball on the floor
Cold, wrapped up in my own limbs
The knife lies only a foot away
Concealed deep within my most private drawer
The horizontal scars from the past won't do,
Not anymore, they won't save me
Maybe it's the day I'll finally escape
One long deep vertical slice and
My insides will slowly seep out, until
I'm soaked in a crimson puddle
Of my own self destruction
And self hatred
drowning the last remains
Of my physical being
I'd never see you in geology
But you'd see me
After a long day you'd return
To our safe place
Surrounded by questions on where I was
And why I didn't show
You'll hear the music blasting from behind a closed door
Call my name, only silence replies
With a creack, you slide through the door
Come over to my sleeping body
The carpet looks darker now that you're closer
Fall to your knees in the sudden realization
The tears choke your screams
I've found my own safe place
Where my soul will rest forever.

You're gorgeous but it's so much more than that
You're angered by the injustices of the world
And you've stood up against them
We understand the world in similar ways
That allow us to connect with each other
While your beauty is there
It pale in comparison to your heart
Because although you've been broken
You still push forward and
Your courage and strength are mind blowing
You're heart and soul are so good
Even though I know you don't see it
I know you're not a perfect person
But your the best you there is

I don't understand what I feel
Electricity seizes my heart and
The current spreads down through my lungs
As I hear your breath catch as my hand squeezes yours
The butterflies become nearly unbearable
These feelings choke me and
Make me feel as though I've gone mad
Is it love?
Is it lust?
Does it matter?
It's forbidden
Do we simply want what we can't have?
Or has our old spark ignited
Setting fire to everything when we get too close
If we're not careful
we will get burned

I am falling
Perpetual spirals into the dark
I feel my hands grasping
As air passes through my fingers
Something feels off and
I really can't tell
If the caution is real
Or a phantom of my fear
I'm in the land of ghosts and demons
Haunted by these oppressive memories
It's hard to know what's worse
The monsters or the claustrophobia
Flowers can't bloom in the darkness and
Humans cannot thrive in isolation
This place is lifeless, suffocating
Only tolerable through inebriation
Kindess is but a mask here
Trusting no one a necessity
Half these people want me dead
And a quarter could care less
Don't tell me I'm overreacting
When even family aim their guns
I've made my escape and now
I know what growth feels like
I've tasted the freshness of freedom
Witnessed the miracle of peace
It is not like this everywhere
So don't try to normalize this hate
I found celebration beyond tolerance
And I've built my home there
This place is a noxious poison and
I'm done trying to survive it

I wish things weren't like this
Wish I didn't worry this way
I'm running away  from what I fear
Every ******* day.
But when I'm with you, it's crazy
My whole opinion twists apart
No longer is the world there too
Just you and I, until we part.
I may have ******* up big time
But in the end it'll be alright
No matter what the result it,
The reasoning was right.

Does it hurt you like it hurts me?
Who knew words could burn so deep.
Alone in the night, emotions on the edge.
Do you feel it too? The emptiness where you belong, at my side.
I fear the answer; for I know it well enough.
For you it isn't me, it's her. The one you see, the one you touch.
But I'd do anything to see you smile. It's the reason I say I'm still around.
They ask me who I'm trying to convince, because they see my true desire.
I want you to want me. Except not the way you do.
Because the me that you see isn't who I am.
I'm a lost soul in this crazy world. Denying the desires, just to stay strong.
Because I feel that it's wrong. But only because I know it's unequal.
I say it's okay; biggest lie I could speak.
But admitting my true emotions is weak in my eyes.
Because vulnerability isn't strength; only an open wound awaiting the salt.
She knows it too, or maybe she doesn't.
Either way nothing will change.
So I'll push through it and keep displaying a straight face.
As long as she's happy, my emotions are as they stand. Untouched and unspoken.

What good are words
When these feelings consume me
There's never enough syllables
To spell out what my heart says

To love and be in love
Those phrases mean nothing
The letters construct a frame
For us to place our own meaning

If I tell you I'm sad
You do not feel my pain
But when I say that I love you
You feel what I'm saying

Language holds so much power
But it limits us too
When I can't place words to my thoughts
They become simply invisible

The moments when I need you the most,
Are the ones that you never see.
The tears are silent as I tell you I'm alright,
My mind hushes the words that my heart desires to speak.

The sinister silence is my only companion,
No one is there to comfort me.
Alone in the dark, no peace in my empty world,
Salvation is the one I truly seek.

I stand as though I am strong,
The pain carefully hidden behind a mask.
You saw only what I allowed,
Then taken aback when the truth was spoken.

I laid myself open to you,
An unforeseen and immensely challenging task.
You took it for nothing and left me torn,
Now no knowledge remains of my emotions.

To hold on is painful and dangerous,
But to let go means going back on my word.
To stick by my promise, and stick by your side,
Will surely end with my broken heart.

Yet still I stay, I will give you all I have,
Until our hope becomes deterred.
I care enough to let it go,
As my heart is quietly ripped apart.

I'm feeling stuck
Lost in this moment
What moment?
I don't even know where I am
This life is a mess
I don't want to move
I don't want to do anything
I'm tired
I'm sad
I feel like nothing
Where is my motivation?

Turns out it's anger
The rage setting fire to my veins
Is just enough to ignite the rest of me
Until I can release everything
Lost in this spiraling rage
Until I burn out again
And once more
I feel like nothing

I wish my words could echo
Reverberating across your body
Leaving goosebumps in their wake
And leaving you trembling
Begging for more

But they don't
And likely won't
These words simply fall short
Clattering to the floor
Like broken promises

My heart screams and aches
As my only mode of comfort falters
Electricity shocks through my body
As I hear your words in the dark
Echoing so beautifully off of each cell in my trembling body
You give me chills
And I'm genuinely happy for you

When we are alone together
I feel this immense connection with you
Like our souls instantly unite upon contact
Feelings overwhelm every one of my senses
I'm not used to this much emotion
I sometimes can't believe it
We could talk for hours on end about
How the systems we live in ruin the world
Or we can lay in silence
Embracing each other and the moment
Either way I am beyond happy
Whether feeling suffocated by the state we live in
Or climbing through nature freely
I can't imagine this situation with anyone else
Because I love this
And I love you

You are
The smell of laundry
But not that cheap linen candle smell
It's a mix of detergent and something else
Something I can't place
Something so,
you.

And when I think of you
My heart does acrobatics
Flying through my chest fearlessly
As if the strings could never break
Even though they can
And they might
But right now it's all you.

You ignite something inside my soul that I forgot existed
When we are together
I am beyond aware of myself
Because every nerve is screaming
Because I want to touch you
And I don't mean ***
You are worth so much more than that

I want to feel your soft hand in mine
As I memorize the feeling of each line
I want to hug you for hours
As if time were at our disposal
I want to run my fingertips across your skin
Trying to figure out where it's been broken
And giving extra attention to your scars
Because they're a part of you
And they're beautiful
I want to feel everything I do
Without this fear and confusion
I want to make you happy
You deserve that more than anything

But I'm afraid to hurt you
I've dug myself into a hole
And I can either keep digging to uncover my feelings for you
Or I can return to the comfortable light of my routine
But I think we both know
That comfortable isn't always right

Kissing you
Feels as though I'm levitating
Above all the stress
Above the complications of our situation
But I promise that isn't everything

I know I'm silent and
I'm aware that I'm a challenge for you to read
But if my word means anything
I want nothing more than to connect with you intellectually
To be able to talk for hours on end
To be open entirely and unapologetically
But I'm also petrified

You're smart beyond reasoning
And absolutely gorgeous
Hearing you laugh makes my heart race
And when our hands touch the beat stops entirely

I need to let go of this fear
The fear of rejection
The fear of this new experience
The fear of getting too attached
And the fear of the unknown

When I'm with you I feel on edge
But I also feel happier than I'm used to
I suppose that I'm afraid
That if I let you see me
The real human behind this tough exterior
That you'll change your mind
Which is fine because you'll do what's best for you
But the idea is still unnerving

I can't tell you when it'll change
But I promise it won't be like this forever
I'm trying to let go of this fear and anxiety
So that something real can actually come
From this mess we found ourselves in
Please be patient with me
Because even though I'm pretty ****** up
I have genuine feelings for you
And want a chance to prove that

Your hands on me
They're so sweet and
You tread so lightly
Moving along my thighs
Rubbing patterns into my soft skin
At the apex I close my eyes
Bathing in the warmth of your touch
In that moment I can breathe
I'm with you and I'm happy
But I have memories like bad dreams
Showing up so unexpectedly
And suddenly
Your hands turn to his
It's no longer your body against me
Pleasure turned fear
Burning into me like electricity
My brain goes offline
It fills with music instead
Trying to cover up these demons
But my body cannot forget
All of my muscles are frozen in time
It's 2014 again
Why can't I feel your hands on mine?
Feel your arms wrapped around me?
My lips find yours
I want our spark back
I'm trying so hard
Just to come back
I want this
I want you
But my body doesn't know
It doesn't realize you are safety
That we stopped right away
Because you can see me
That you care if I'm there
And give me space to breathe
As this trauma leaves me bare
You stay with me
You tell me I'm ok
And that we don't have to do anything
I'm broken and I'm grateful
Terrified and wondering
And even though it takes awhile
For me to find myself again
When I'm ready you still kiss me
And it shows that you understand

When I'm with you
Our souls mesh like alchemy
With a delicate touch
They move together
Like oil in water
Each distinct and yet
They dance as if they are one
Gentle and fluid
They wrap around each other
Your soul
Moving like silk across mine
Both weaving intricately
Filling in empty spaces
Skin to skin
Soul to soul
A rhythm so perfect that
We fit together flawlessly
As if we were made for each other
Your soul is light and pure
Beautiful and disarming like the sea
And when we're together
Our connection is all that I need

I didn't lie to you
Everything I said was true
At least in that moment of time
I told you back then
Even if I believed in soulmates
I don't believe in only one
If I remember right
You agreed

Our feelings thrived through 5 years
When we didn't say a word to each other
That's definitely something special
And I'm not saying my feelings have changed
But my place in life has

Yes I'm polyamorous
But that's not why we didn't work
Sure, maybe I could've tried harder
But I felt trapped and couldn't breathe
Even though we weren't close
You needed me constantly
Which was fine until the pressure caught up to me

I'm not blaming you
I was there for you 1000% at first
Then I stopped trying so hard
You thought I was giving all my attention to her
She thought I was giving all my attention to you
I should've been giving more attention to me
Because life was killing me

Working full time
And trying to survive the semester
Now add that to the balancing of two relationships
Plus an ex who acted like Jekyll and Hyde

Imagine trying to address
The intense emotions you had
Plus those of my ex
And those of my other partner
Let alone my own feelings throughout it all
That's a lot to handle
And yes I dug my own grave with it
But I figured it'd be worth it in the end

You seem to think that
I'm some unstable person who
Tears everyone down with me
But, even in these last few months
I've grown and changed so much
And I'm finally learning how to make myself happy

I stopped starving myself and joined a gym instead
I am practicing mindfulness to understand myself and the world
I learned how to talk myself down from my feelings
I finally feel comfortable being myself
Radical as **** but still sensitive
I can finally exist alone and at peace

As for believing in reconnection
It's not just 'us' involved anymore
That's where people seem to forget
Both you and my ex seem to expect
That I can't just make these decisions
Without thinking too much about the others

I understand why
You'd hope my present relationship will fail
But I've grown a lot as a person
I've learned more about myself
And what I want and need

With her there is no co-dependence
There's open communication
There's honesty and transparency
That doesn't mean it's 'better'
I am not degrading ours in any way
It does mean it's different though

So how can I reenter a relationship
That was definitely unhealthy in some ways
After realizing what healthy means?
Despite all of my love for you
Despite how much I care
We can't be more than friends right now
Because anything else would hurt us both

If our souls do meet in
Whatever world exists next
Then you can slap me silly
But right now this is what's best

Honesty and transparency
Sounds like ******* to me
You promise me one thing
I guess that's not what you mean
The thing I was afraid of
What you promised not to do
Then as soon as we're apart
It's all about you
I'm sick of this dumb ****
I don't even care about the specifics
It's the fact that you disrespected me
And that your word doesn't mean ****
I'm stuck in this anger
Alternating with sadness
What once was great love
Has been consumed into madness
The funniest part is
You don't even know
Because I found out from a friend
To whom your promise never showed
So what do I do?
I'm consumed in these feelings
None of its positive
And my mind won't stop reeling
Then comes tomorrow
I can already see it
If I call you out
You'll go on your own fit
Because you had a bad experience
And I should just feel bad for you
But honestly right now
I want nothing to do with you

Don't touch me
Don't talk to me
I don't need this ****
Don't say that I'm ****
Don't say that you like me
That's the last thing anyone needs.

You don't know me
So those feelings don't mean **** to me
You don't know my problems
You don't know my pain
You only know that I listen well
And that I said I won't leave

But your feelings are dangerous
I'm fire and those are water
I will run if you try to pursue them
Because I am not whoever you think I am

You don't know me
And I don't know if I want you to
I'm not a bad person
I just hate the pressure
Of people falling too hard for me

I'm sorry that I'm not sorry
That I can't love someone who's caused me so much pain.
You ask that the bad out weighs the good,
But you really have no idea.
You have no clue as to how many deep seeded problems I have,
How many issues that could have been avoided,
If you could have just picked me.
If you could have seen the life slipping out of your daughter,
The pain every day brought;
It was deep and kept burrowing,
Deeper and deeper.
Into not just my body but my soul.
Now I pay for it with anxiety
With violence
And don't forget the depression.
But it wasn't my fault right?
Not my fault that I can't break these bad habits she burned into me?
The borderline eating disorder
And the inability for any emotional stability.
So they wonder why I can't let people in.
Hell even I questioned it.
But then I realized,
That in those 5 years of hell,
Wanting to take my life at the age of 12,
I stood on my own.
And I fought my battles without help from ANYONE.
So how can I change that now;
Convince myself that things have changed,
That I'm allowed to be weak for a little bit?
I'm going to fight for this,
Until I'm my own person again.
And I will NEVER be like you,
Or her,
I'd sooner take my own life than to witness that result.