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Heavy Hearted Oct 2017
I can cook
I can clean
I can do laundry...

I can draw
I can paint
I can write,

I can play the piano
The gutair
And the harmonica:

I can talk
I can listen
I can learn.
Heavy Hearted Jan 2019
You proved that fear of failure is to be overcome
through such compelling creativity;
and that total dissatisfaction and unprecedented contentment,
are within each of us already-
all we need to do is choose.
Heavy Hearted Feb 2017
1, for the slumber that tumbles us round,
2, for the remedy, the musics bold sound.
3, for the tree that became your canoe
& 4 for the rain, it's ambiguous blue.

5, to escape, to a world we contrive,
6 for the tricks that I played to survive.
7, because heaven, is supposedly on earth,
& 8 for my mother, and her unknown worth.
9 for the failures, the faults & mistakes,
10 for the fears that keep us awake.

11, for my father, consoles me each night, whispers advice crystal clear, filled with insight- words on courage & kindness, love & delight.
12- when you wake but it's already night.
13 forever, with strength glory and might,
14 with wisdom, discretion, insight-
both numbers together sizing up every fight.

15, for my little sister, and all her turmoil,
15, for her spirit, the last one to spoil,
she and the world but water and oil,
15 for her soul, and like the mighty cobra it's coil,
deadly & graceful defends its home soil.

16 for the evil- the wicked & cruel, the endless hate they spin into fuel.
17, for reason, justice & art,
and all the other virtues life etched on my heart,
18, to redeem, to admit your mistake, to truly move on then perhaps to retake.
19 for that shame, always the same, so familiar it almost comforts my brain. 19, for the suffering, agony & betrayal.
19 true stories retold as mere tales- how they surpass logic and induce other's fails.

20. For my years. For the moment, for now. For to the past I salute, and to the future I bow; All with the hope that next year I'll know how

to do what everyone else can.
Heavy Hearted Nov 2018
I'm a rainy night, the silent snowfall in a lonely November; that im the space between each eyelash when you grin.  I'm a sunset that hangs over the smoking, foggy lake, and im the tiny hairs that cover a raspberry.
Heavy Hearted Dec 2018
I'm a song and a poem and an epitaph alike. I'm the dirt gravel path in the forest you hike. I'm the wind and the rain, I'm the first sip of tea
I am the red haze above the deep dark blue Sea.
I'm whips of hard smoke, fresh perplexities-
im only what
you want me to be,
Heavy Hearted Oct 2022
Ill write this down - again
I don't enjoy being alone-
especially when I'm right here
with you-

You're a wilted rose & I'm an empty crowd-
With enchanting prose & voices loud,

I don't enjoy being alone-
especially when I'm right here

Still beside you.
at the end of a moshpit or our time together, my last letter to Zuzu.
Heavy Hearted Nov 2019
I wish I could fuel you;
fuel me?
yeah-  fuel you.

so you would never end.
Heavy Hearted Feb 2017
When its sharp it storms the mind,
swirls of smoke & hate combined-
slither insidiously they entwine,
damage done worse every time.
Clouds to crave- poison waves
seen through white glass & a delirious daze
to dull forever an old sun's rays
light which used to shine out always
now bends inward, refracting in ways
to disguise & confuse in an camouflaged haze.

more & more & more & more
of the curse that never ends,
be it smoke or crystal spore
or snake disguised as friend.
I feel it deep within my core
I desperately pretend
you'll be back to fuel me or
a hand someone will lend.
A, always absencent and afraid
D, in such distaste;
A, for anger- absoloute
& M, cuz mans a ****** Waste:

Is this a written name?
Of this friend or potential lover
How he Reels this unique pain,
Too bad he wont discover:
That I'm the one whos truth's attentive
Not the one with words incentive-
Take ownership, & be repentive
Your minds absolutely unretentive.

I don't believe that you have this gift
To heal and unlock a Better version
of whoever you think you are-

What you've been given, you must shift
Enjoying that fake xannax bar?

A lthough you hurt
D ont hurt me too
A lways iconsiderate-
M anipulated too.

A man disrespected me and i dont tollerate that from little *******
Heavy Hearted Apr 2017
A - the atrocity that my life has become
D - the damage, and still,  im not done
D - the denial, the doom in the vile,  dangerous, daunting; forever defile
I - the image I fake of myself, I- my constant &chronic; bad health.
C- the cost of a chemical wealth.
T for the tension, paranoia and fear. Yet it’s the letter that symbols it’s here.  
I - irrational, insensible, intense. I - irresistible iridescence .
O- for the option that I didn’t take, O for the others that still I forsake.
And N for nervous. Nauseous. Night. N, the neophyte, turned narcissist knight.

Transparent to everyone, how its hold is too true
So clear its invisible, Addiction did coo:  

“when you wake and feel my crave,
and all my charms  different behave;
resistance, strength, pain & choice,
may mute my spell,  quiet my voice.”
“embrace what little light is shed”  suggested addiction, faintly he said:

“For I can **** the best man dead,
with only shadows in their head.”
Heavy Hearted Oct 2022
Is it true?

That my words are now spilt- broth pushed against the brim,
Liquid to big for its container-gracelessly,
it mimics the wild
of unbound tides.
Wherein a fleeting salvation; is oh so frantically exempt-
Its within my linguistic inability
lies my failure's false contempt.

The mundane English word was once my spell to cast
An arsenal of adjectives & repertoire of verbs.
Yet in English its still heard,
communication's magic,
Wielding the awe of expression-  Cured-
I try to print back into begin

salvage my fading ability to write
Heavy Hearted May 2017
Bubbles & Diamonds go hand in hand,
Slowly dirfting up to land.
Will you find them in the sand?

Like bubbles & diamonds we float & withstand,
All of life's unruly commands.

As Brother and Sister we may fight and demand,
but like bubbles & diamonds,
Complementary we stand.
With the same blood in our bones
  We'll do what we can
Like bubbles and diamonds
To grow hand in hand.

From infant to women
and child' to man.
The importance of family
We Understand.
Heavy Hearted Sep 2019
“Too Little Too Late but we don’t say no…”
Why is it too much to feel?
I thought you had always known,
isn’t what scares you what makes it real?
Away, solemnly, while I now go,
a fleeting dispositions appeal;
too little too late; I still say so
as were crushed beneath the wheel.
not meant to be, when we’re not enough,
half of every truth, a hand to cuff-
Too Little Too Late but we can’t say no,
what prospects can you see?
If we both see it comin’ but still don’t go,
It’s not far enough for me;

Too little too late but we can’t talk about, the rite of ritual haze
1 on 1; start putting out, dance to dazzle and daze,
Addicted to, know I’ve become, ourselves lost in the maze
Burnt paper fingers,carpeted hallways,as
our heavy heads still tour the room-
tie my right hand to the ride,
too little too late, but never too soon
found poetry from too little too late, the song and prose sorce by emily haines
Heavy Hearted Jul 2018
Im a poet and a painter
And a meandering musician

And I've hopes that somehow my
Art'll pay for my tuition.
I know it's not about the facts
Or my intuition
I wont believe all that I'm shown
For I know its superstition.
And you know Im not a doctor
Or even a practition
But heres some medicine myself perscribed
To help with this condition.
The dizzyness and neasuea
And the most dishonest vision..
May this writing reach my soul
In its keen perscision
And help me make every right move
Help make the right decision.

When there's so many unfathomable things we are
I choke on that recognition.
Heavy Hearted Sep 2018
this is my only poem-
and its been  written to include

me; within its home-

in an unspoken prelude
Heavy Hearted Jul 2018
It is to that place
In song
That I retreat
To wait for you.
My idle life
Is halfway spent
in the Apple Orchard;

Its in that place,
That I lye alone.
Its in that place
I hide from love.
Its in that place
That I'll awaken from,
And  never-
I'll never
Heavy Hearted Nov 2017
Dear Someone listening in the shadows;

there you've always been,
indifferent to my fails and faults
refusing to be seen.
You've watched me spill the water from
my ever-shaking grasp,
watched it rise above my head
listened to me gasp.

Poor Little Rich Boy, is that you?
maybe Genius next-door, too?
how bout The Man - A Thousand Faces
or the Lady, laced in laces?
could it be the Meanies? ...Michael whispered about?
or even Human of Years?- Ghost of corporate doubt?

To you, listener of the Shadows,
who you are I'll never know
both Samson and myself are stuck
in 20  Years of Snow.
references Regina Spektor's 'Aquarius, as well as a handful of the other characters from her songs.
Heavy Hearted May 2017
When the soft rain and distant birds
Play in a May's afternoon,
Look out the window and listen close
For they'll be gone by June.

In the night to jump a fence
As people out of tune,
Run and wander through the course
Beneath the rainy moon.
Heavy Hearted Oct 2019
The artists impartiality
Of their craft's integrity
Is their profound gift
May it set us all free-
& Vanquish all anxiety.

When each page is blank, and book empty
Its full with potential's entierity.
Our real gift is sweet opportunity
To create and contrive

Its in our art we become who we wanted to be
With truthfull eyes we garentee
That you'll one day begin to see

The artist's impartiality.
Grace & Reem
Heavy Hearted Nov 2017
I am of November's start,
wild woeful, stubborn smart-
fighting life with drugs & art
to withstand urges, here I impart:
As water signs, we all have a sting
Once felt, forward tears we'll bring
each drop a note- a full song to sing
the melody a beautiful & tragic thing,
Music, wisdom, wrath & beauty,
facets of a cosmic duty

drawn in the stars, until they show
all trials of us Scorpio
21 year old Scorpion
Heavy Hearted Feb 2020
As you lay asleep-I recount each word, every
sound and syllable,
I memorize them;

and despite my plans I still spill out
over these words
and all across my page, that
As you lay asleep-
I am left to my imagination
and in a failure
or another life,  
rhyme and rhythm
take priority,
my imagination settles.

as you lay asleep, I wonder

then regret.
Heavy Hearted Aug 2018
I sit here and wonder if you're reading this-
If curiousity overcame you again recently, or not.
Its that time
Where im too exhausted to sleep
And all there is, is the music

And I wonder if you're reading this-
Will you have been part of this moment?
Whenever for you this moment might be.

Connected now, I feel it through-
You infinitely odd ball - creature
Thank you for all you normally do- I acknowledge it through this poem's feature:
So of my art unto,
I will become the teacher
to share with you creations new
as haines floats from the speaker.
And so I wonder if you're reading this
Heavy Hearted Feb 2018
The most superficial of all my troubles-
My backache does prosist.
Throughout all my other ****
That dull pain still exists.

Tucked in every lonley smile
And every insatiable crave
Is that pain, sciatic style
Despite how I behave;

Yet dealing with much more then a backache am I,
Addictions, Predictions, prescriptions, I lye:
Here in my bed in my room in my shame,
harbouring my bodys everworseing pain.
Heavy Hearted Nov 2022
Beauty's rose wilts 
 and petal by petal,
shard by shard;
Faster than fantasy-
time relapses
Beauty's rose wilts-
it's soils all settle
Erosion by erosion,
slower than springtime;
the future arrives.
Beauty's rose,
But a wilt!
without trophy or medal,
condolences, by condolences,
at our own paces-
the past persists.

Black flowers, wilted with time,
without beginning, nor end-
are seen;
   &  through the stained glass gaze of love,
are shimmering.
Heavy Hearted Mar 2019
When destined to fight the Dragon

wisdom leads us to its layer, Before;

Before it can reach our home.
Heavy Hearted Jul 2019
Caught between two worlds
It becomes harder to find your people.
the many nights are never spent
In ways worth all the while

still trapped within a life of glass and in a fragile world
The death of these pretty distractions is how my truth's unfurled.
The relinquishment of crude enticement
May halt this broken life
As I watch the moon and stars and rain
And try wielding virtues knife.

May I know you, true life,  someday,
& may my memories mindful; stay
In Brightest futures my hopes now lay,
As Henderson Avenue guides me away.

confuse my judgement sometimes I still do
too often reciting the prayer's haiku

And so the initial ideal world
That's leading onward out of range
Is where I direct myself now to
And Hope I truly make it
An interesting pain & A Mundane love
Heavy Hearted Feb 2019
many little bits and pieces
are what create the whole
take a person, for example
body mind, and soul

every idea behind every word
are lonely letters near
until they form a distinct thought
confusion unto clear.

even this piece is made of bits
or random artful thoughts
strewn together in tragedy
love it or like it not-

every single thing you know
are made of tiny parts
and once you truly learn that friend
gift control over it's art.
Heavy Hearted Dec 2017
Romance as a concept is naive at its heart,
Love, though, as a practice, is much more of an art:
Delicate but dynamic
Anyone love might lift
So as long as you've felt it universal to gift.

Love: it's irrational, limits undefined
but most important of all-
Love is totally blind.
Heavy Hearted Mar 2019
There's no more them- only us.
All as one
Heavy Hearted Sep 2022
Couplets here, leak out of me
out of my very being,
unto the world in front of me
simultaneously seeing: that I'm made up of couplets,
no more & no less;
two lines of written words that arch balanced, they confess:

that first lines nothing without the second,
& alone the second lines meaningless at best

For it's in couplet's regularity, that confusion doth detest  
that there's always one then two, 2 reasons to write the rest.
Heavy Hearted Feb 2018
Dear bumps and brusies Doctor,
To you I never voiced the call-
You say your fee is very simple
But nothing is at all.
And im sitting here and wishing
In the years that are to be
When im faced with lifes real troubles
that your love can still fuel me.
Response to Edguar A Guests original poem "the bumps and brusies doctor" copyrighted in 1934
Heavy Hearted Oct 2022
Here I lye with you-
you don't listen, so my words
write reversed haikus

I don’t need your drugs,
but I do need you to know
no one deserves this.

I choose to let you
treat me like I’m blindfolded;
Still, I gift to you-

Graphite and color
a blank sketchbook (with this piece)
Inscribed in the front.

Art is all I know
so this opportunity.
to express it all-

Has such strong power,
you might never truly know…
Still- I hope you do.
5 stanza Haiku letter

I wish he could have known about this.  Written in his gifted sketchbook (from me) while he was finally asleep after almost overdosing on fetynol and me saving his life, over 7  hours of horror.  When he woke up I went to the washroom, came back, and he was smoking it again. He overdosed- stopped breathing-  I called 911, they resuscitated him. and rushed him to the hospital, then before he could be released, died.

He was only 19.
Heavy Hearted Oct 2017
Close your eyes and you can fly:
Oh, intolerable sky,
How night creeps over
Days goodbye,
N out wade the stars
-even they sigh,
The fragile moons
too scared to try,
To light a path
Through tonight.'
Heavy Hearted Apr 2022
I see you, in your miserable high

I wonder if last chances gone by

In protest you'll hear me screaming Why?

N hope the you thats loved wont die

Alone, we're caught in Meg's Constant's

Thank You for Taking Me to The Disco
I'd Like to Go Home Now

5 lines based off the end of meg myers 3rd studio album, take me to the disco, where in the closing song 'constant' was this writing inspired.
Heavy Hearted Aug 2019
I've been blessed to know a few
who understand my pain and triumph too
N we'll know each other all our lives
as I'm all finished alone looking for knives.

Distance we make into a friend as still days alone I’ll dwell
Yet keep always the hope that their
future’s brightness is to sell.

While mine I auction off with ease-
addictions appetite is never pleased.

So quite different I am from both of them, as our unlikely trios formed
by want and need and struggle too while beauty and youth is mourned

A blessing for us to know this type, of friendship near or far

to know alone is not alone no matter where we are.

Kimia and Sammy, it's your two thoughts that I keep close

As the future that I contrived grows impatiently morose
For kimia and sammy- who have always silently made a stand with and for me. We're such different types of people yet I know we're connected for life. We're all pretty much on the same street, as we have been,  from childhood till now. This is the last month before you both move away for grad school, but I'll be here. I am so proud to watch you both go. Thank you for being yourselves.
Heavy Hearted Nov 2018
be careful-
you dont want to fall in love with me;
Im hard to hold and cold to touch (fall to pieces/treat the rush).
dont fall in love with me
because Im inherently cruel.
You will put me  above all, as the only priority, yet I will never be enough to show you how that feels.
dont fall in love with me
because I will watch you sacrifice, in every moment you thought you knew I will watch as you suffer for what you love. 
dont fall in love with me
because I will lock the door
from the inside so dont wait around,
dont fall in love with me
because I know my worth and I will demand many things, most of which will be a challenge,
yet I'll expect everything unto us for I know what my love does really offer.

Fall in love with me and
my soul will trace you back, and you'll see
I'm a rainy night, the silent snowfall in a lonely November; that im the space between each eyelash when you grin.  I'm a sunset that hangs over the smoking, foggy lake, and im the tiny hairs that cover a raspberry.
Im a song
and a poem and an epitaph alike
Im the dirt gravel path in the forest you hike.
I'm the wind and the rain
Im the first sip of tea
Im a warning to head,
Im the deep dark blue Sea,
Im whips of hard smoke,
Im only what you want me
to be.
x free verse x
Heavy Hearted Apr 2018
Hey- you,
Am I doing it right?
You're gone- as always

But you know im still here.
Heavy Hearted May 2019
down by the river, we see through the shore,
and bear witness as human proclivities roar.

Diving into the water, we hold its wet hand
for the rivers enlivenment, so few understand:

so down by the river, we will lay in its bed
while lullabies sung by the lapping waves tread;
as the river explains, in liquid morals unsaid-
its teachings, in riptides ,flowing into our head.
as the sun on the water, scintillating, does glow
it calls to us now as we're destined,

we go.
Heavy Hearted Jan 2020
Egan Lake, how I long for you
transcended isotropic view
In my departure somehow I knew

I would never be back;

here with you.
Heavy Hearted Mar 2017
The simplest act might be someone’s cure-
I remembered when it was
a knowing look from a real friend,  
heals more then medicine does.

Although alone often we are
and it’s quite the sad affair-
back to that look I do retreat and
life is blessed to bare.

When I’ve gone a little hard
and sobriety’s days away
a real friend’s presence, brief or not
reminds me I’m okay.

So grateful am I, its appreciation like guilt-
I can’t deserve a love so true.
a feeling so many don’t even know
I’m overcome I actually do.

Thank You:
With all my heart, my friends,
the real ones may be few-
but to remind me that I’m loved;
well, I need no more than you.
Heavy Hearted Dec 2022
And when the darkness comes
I'll remember this moment.
Where we held out our hearts
& filled them with faith-


Heavy Hearted Jul 2018
will you, old friend- follow me?
through the great lakes, and the sea?
over the desert and oasis blue-
through boreal forests, and tropic ones too?
will you bathe in natures fountain ?
or live up on the lonely mountain ?

will you see ever- honestly,  
that all that you have come to be
is better than you really know
Lets meet back stage;
after the show.
Heavy Hearted Apr 2022
Red & blue sage in remembrance of you
Gladiolus, carnations-
pink poppies too.

While foxglove protects
With larkspur and flax,
The windflowers wilt but always grow back.

White lilies for hope
And forget-me-nots true,
an innocence captured in their ambiguous blue.

Griefs Pink and white orchids,
Support’s crimson rose-
the healing of hyacinth,

flowers & prose.
written in  tribute, to the family of a good friend.
Heavy Hearted Mar 2021
Right now it might seem like a waste of time.
trust me.
to write down a scheme or emotion
some half dreamed-dreams, particles of truth amongst a mostly fabricated memory.
It isn't.
well when you trigger that human desire
for repition yet seamlessly profound plotting
of the ear
you may hear
all the music I'm writing about.
Heavy Hearted Jun 2018
The river winds in from distant lands
With mercyless power it turns stone to sand
Through its mysterious life, the very earth it commands
And Yet the fearful river still runs through our hands.
In torrents of furry where the deepest currents flow
The rivers wild waters surge with woe. For
Onward, forever, its destined to go
A permenant home it won't ever know.

The river runs from each of us
As a refugee of fear,
It knows in a blink it will be somewhere else
Its waves are really its tears.
It runs from the audacity  
Of the selfish human mind
As Its massive life capacity,
Of flora and fauna combined,
Are threatened by our antics and helpless to our crime
So the river runs on their behalf, from everyone, in time-

even within its whitecap foam
Water's yearning for a home

So roam does the water- endlessly,
till its long gone out of sight
The essential droplets of the river-
Nomads day and night.
Heavy Hearted Dec 2018
An outlet of articulates, is this solemn, surreal site.
Many minds, and many more, shall glow beneath its light.
Yet sadly for myself I've found, the holes within it all,
and now no longer does my heart, answer to its call.

Goodbye poetry, and thank you always; you deserve all you achieve-

Thank you for giving us a place
to share what we believe.

I will say hello to you, and glow with all again someday,
But for now I say goodbye- as I go on my own way.
Heavy Hearted Aug 2017
to turn into  the whole wide world, the one that I design,
the one with lights of glistening gold
and wonder undefined.
Is to ignore the very brutal truth, on one's own accord,
ignorant and powerful, a
mistake one can't afford.
So here I am, as usual, how deeply I deny,
that "everything isn't so bad"
I stumble in the lie.

..maybe one day i'll get to see, right through the guise of gold-
the one disguising my whole life
the one denial upholds

Goodbye tomorrow- stay away- I wish to be no more.
my heart contorted, my mind deflates as
my soul and spirit tore.
response to Karen O's "Hello Tomorrow"
Heavy Hearted Jan 2020
when I hold
my own hands
My imagination does ensue
they arent burning
in the cold
and are somehow holding you

And when, away it is you slip, my hands hold tightly still onto
the belief you now know and understand- to me,
What these evil drugs did do.

And in death, maybe you'll
Feel what these constant aches

when I'm holding my own hands,  
it's to pretend that one's s from you
and to comfort my sore soul as
As  life were still all
Sufferings through.
Our parents daughters and sons
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