I can’t shed another tear
my dreams of us, they stop right here
for you made true
my every fear

When I'm happy
He's always there
But when I'm sad
He goes away somewhere

When I speak in a joyous way
He will listen and talk all day

But when I speak about my sadness
He shuts off, driving me to madness

When I try to explain how this hurts me
He even further ignores me

Then when I cry about this pain
He steps back even further away

He might show up some time late after
With his excuses and attempts at laughter
But I won't laugh, or even smile
Because this pain lasts such a long while

I will just try to say
How he hurt me by running away
But he won't listen, as he does it again
Running away from my emotion

So to him, I plea and plea
Just to be treated respectfully
Just to be treated like he values me
Just to be treated like my feelings matter
Just to be treated with empathy, not laughter

For one who laughs at others' pain
Uses others' suffering to their own gain

And all the mean boys who makes girls weep
Are mirror reflections of him and how he treats me

I just want to sit in my room all night
I want to drink til I feel alright
and smoke til I’m completely fried

and I just want to cry

and if I stay here long enough
maybe it won’t be so tough
maybe I’ll get past this stuff

but for now I’ll lay alone
in my room by the phone
wishing that all lies be known
maybe that would change my tone

and I just want to cry

I just want to sit in my room all night
and hope it passes by

I keep smoking
just another cigarette
thought I quit
but I’m choking
feel broken
had misspoken
can’t breathe
we can’t be
it hurts
you see
he runs to me
but then he’s gone
he runs from me
and there he is
loves
yet hates
wants it all
then he fades
and where’d he go
he’s gone I’m sure
but I don’t know
thought his love was pure
then gone again
wondering when
the love will last
he fell so fast
in then out
when I fell in
there was no doubt
and can’t fall out
while he’s asleep
no longer in it
I lay and weep
because I’m within it

always holding the world on my back
and day by day it continues to stack
til I collapse
and hold no more
I close the door
on what once was
coming in towards newer stuff
but help me yield I’ve had enough
I’m pushing off and losing ground
yet still the answer has not been found
so I surround
my heart with comfort
so I don’t hurt
and feel the pain
I keep rationalizing to keep me sane
lying to myself
I should be crying to myself
but I’m oblivious to all else
and I’m pretending that’s not so
but truth’s shining through and already I know
…I know.

did you get what you wanted?
did you bring back the dead?
I am still haunted
by the things that you said

was it so great to have her in your bed?
and did it match up to the thoughts in your head?

you ****** me
you hurt me
you struck me
and burnt me

you got what you wanted
and I am still haunted
by you being split-hearted
and by feeling discarded

for you couldn’t let go
of someone behind you
and when she did find you
you let me know
that you being over her was all a show

you stood there
in front of me
a deep blue stare
depth of the sea

so I buried
my head in your chest
but I worried
you’d put your love to rest

so I held on
and wouldn’t let go
I held on
til there was no place to go

but I held on
til I hit a wall
and I held on
til there was no further to fall

but there was a moment
crystallized in time
there was a moment
engraved in my mind

it was your eyes
and your touch
your eyes
were too much

but for a moment
I kept staring
it was a moment
we were sharing

and I held on to that moment
with all my strength
but turns out that moment
was lacking in length

so the love passed me by
and I kept pulling you in to stay
but once that moment flew by
you kept pushing me away

I always thought I might
be weaker than you
but I wasn’t right
because that isn’t true

you can’t stand your ground
just can’t tell the truth
when she comes around
you are no longer the you that I knew

because you said
the romance was dead
and that she was just
in the back of your head
but why did I trust
and believe what you said
now I just feel very mislead

I should have seen
what was underneath
how could I let myself be
so extremely deceived

for I already knew
what a broken heart can do
and though I saw it in you
I turned my head
ignoring what was true
and believing what you said

so here’s the thing
about the things you think
the things you thought
what’s down the sink
and what is not
the friends you saw
who you got
who had to go
you loved them all
through highs and lows

but people slip
and then they’re gone
when you can’t keep grip
and there’s nothing to hold on
you’ve got to let go
because it’s how life goes
get past those
who aren’t worth the fight
because they weren’t right
and couldn’t be kept
although you will not forget
the times that were good
the lessons they taught you
but you really should
forget they forgot you

and it’s okay
because so few stay
there’s plenty more along the way
and yes it’s tough
life doesn’t stop
no matter how rough
alone or not
then things get better
they always do
nothing’s forever
but you always get through

you can hold me in
but can’t take me out
I’m somewhere within
but not what you’re about
I’ll give you my nightcall
****, you have my all
and that’s my downfall
cause’ you can only give me what’s been left
since you never retrieved the rest
the bits others hold
those who’s love for you grew old
they took the pieces of your heart
little bits of who you are
leaving you with all sorts of scars
and you never got back the parts
of your beautifully damaged heart
but I can see what you are
amazing like the moon and stars
but just so crazy far
and I need you undivided
all the way decided
on having me
and the mess I can be
totally sure
so I can feel secure
you just have to retrieve
the pieces that are scattered
so I know you won’t leave
and that we really matter

I wish I had asked you to stop
Like mommy said I should
you were drinking a lot
if I could go back I would
I was 7 years old and didn’t see you enough
you wanted me to visit and you would buy me stuff

I was far too scared
to go over there
because mom told me it all
the drugs, drinks, and cheating
your downfall
and I’m still giving myself a beating
that I hardly saw you at all

I wish I hadn’t been so scared
I wish that I had been there
before you were gone for life
it just wasn’t right
of me to fear you
why wasn’t I near you?

and I’ll never forget when you were in rehab
it was Christmas, but overall sad
little did I know
you’d be gone 2 months from that time
little did I know
I’d be forever saying good bye
I remember your parents came by
and you bought me the doll I had asked for
I should have tried
to thank you more

we visited you in rehab
and I can’t remember why, but mom got mad
sitting at a circular table on green carpeted floor
we left as you tried to get the door
and you just wanted us to stay
and visit for the Christmas day
but mom took us away

and on from then
things rushed to the end
you got out of rehab
but didn’t get better
I wish that I had
encouraged you to get better

but I still stayed away
and I’ll never forget the day
neither my brother or I
wanted to stay
mom took us off and we said bye
and then I saw you really cry
and that’s never left me
because it was so hard to see

then 3 days before your death
I hadn’t seen you for a while
you looked like a mess
but mustered a smile
and you gave me a small stuffed bear with a big red heart
from valentines day
I guess I wasn’t smart
to not realize you would slip away
but we went to dinner one last time
I said goodbye hoping everything was fine

and then you gave mom a call
had written her a big check
like you knew this all
that you were dying a wreck

and when I heard the news
I had a friend over
and I didn’t believe it was true
because how could your life be over
daddy, I needed you
but you died in a hotel room
death drug induced
an early dark morning on a Tuesday
like the counting crows song where they say,
*“ It’s 4:30 A.M. on a Tuesday. It doesn’t get much worse than this in beds in little rooms in buildings in the middle of these lives which are completely meaningless. Help me stay awake, I’m falling ”

dark hair

light eyes

tone fit body

he’s a perfect guy

smart with wit

this is it

I can say

please take me away

to this man

with a freckling tan

he’s beautiful

and says what’s right

he’s wonderful

take me away for the night

*…sometimes I’m taken over in butterflies

for a perfect guy with light green eyes

moving forward
pushing so hard
to be something more
moving forward so quickly
so far from being sickly
in the past
the horrid things that didn't last

moving forward
farther and farther
from being so unsure
catching truths
while still in my youth

moving forward
from crimes and lies
from superficial friendships that only die
being my own
learning to be independent
learning to be alone

moving forward
far from that dark need
of anyone other than me

a bite of an apple
a sip of a snapple
a flick of the tongue and
spring has sprung

some time outside
a lovely ride
it's a wonderful day
to rest in the hay

hours in the sun
before the day's done
I'm frolicking in the park
until way passed dark

it was a moment in space
a second in time
a look in the face
a giggle, the thought
of letting our hands get caught

oh, what a beautiful person
we lie so close together
oh, it's been so long, feels like forever
since we've truly held each other

I mustn't get too caught
after all the past tears I've fought
but it's so easy to forgive his past lies
maybe it's just those hazel eyes

and I can't resist
his sweet kiss
those little lips of his
up and down my tummy
oh, his love is so yummy

nights spent being held
his warmness makes me melt
so sweet
so sincerely
now I remember why I loved him so clearly

because way back when
he was mine
way back when we were intertwined
but we had forgotten all that
it's just so far past

it was a first love thing we made
that turned into so much more
I never thought it would be regained
after he closed the door

but here we are
all cozy and sweet
here we are
once again, our hearts meet

I live for the time we spend together.
I wish that our time could last forever.
I've know you for all these years;
my love for you brings me to tears.
So, must I lose you?
Must life push us apart?
For when you leave,
I'll be left a broken heart.
And when you hold me like your doll,
the more in love with you I fall.
Here in my bed I lay,
thinking of you everyday.
You are my heaven,
but I'm falling to hell as
I fear our time is disappearing,
as I fear your departure is nearing

living lies
the magic dies
your heart's so fast
as you think of all the things that didn't last

cold sweats
late at night
wake you up
with such a fright
a continual thought
the things you remembered
the things you forgot

you're so scared
of being alone
you're in your own
survival zone
just in knowing that it won't last
she can tell
she will soon be in your past

and so as she fell
you picked her up
denying to yourself
that she ever meant too much

but you're trying to mantain
this mental game
that makes you secure
though you're feeling less and less sure

so you begin to dwell
on all the times that YOU fell
and you keep holding on
to something you didn't even want

long dark rides
cigarettes
smoky lies
streetlights
we only have each other on the sides
blasting music
ringing ears
somehow peaceful
like we've known each other for years

we won't tell anyone
not my place to say
but we have a need to explode all ******* day
why don't you tell the truth?
I'm falling over, slipping off the roof
down to the ******* ground

still feeling down
darkness inside me
you never said you wouldn't go through
and now you say it's ******* you?!
you have a place to go
someone to hold

you never took the time
to know that it wasn't all a simple touch
or maybe
you thought I was just love crazy
I'm drowning in thought
but we all know you're not

the winter's brought sadness
and all this holiday madness
it's brought love
and regret
and few new people I have met
but coming into the warmth
is what I need
a night in the arms of an angel
or just a night where I can show that I'm fragile
a night by a fire
a night with whom I'd admire

in the arms of an angel
the arms of one who is safe
a night away from this place
and the winter's froze my soul
given me baggage til my hands are full
and hasn't brought me a rest
or a night where I feel my best
I know the season is cold and drear
but in the arms of an angel
it's warm and dear

he was once a boy
a face in the crowd
which brought me no joy

we talked once or twice
didn't mean a thing
timing not right
I was else where
dreaming of someone else
who didn't want me on their shelf

so this boy whom I didn't feel for
liked me just so much more
but I couldn't see
him so perfectly
for I was looking elsewhere
at one who didn't care

...so this boy told me I was looking in the wrong place
and I couldn't see the beauty in his face
my mind still caught on someone else
I was stupid to not see
who it was that may have been right for me

for the boy that cared
I didn't have those feelings shared
but time went on
I stopped dreaming of the guy that was wrong
and started friending this guy that felt for me

though he had gotten a girlfriend
he became my best friend
and I'm getting close to this boy who once wanted me
but now he's taken
and I sit around crying
about a boy who once felt for me
about a boy who now isn't loving me

we all want to be loved
to have someone to love
but how can you be loved
if you don't love yourself?
if you don't love yourself
how could you properly love anyone else?

see there is our flaw
we have it meaningless
to feel something for an instant
to feel we're important to someone
but the empty physical touch
is only that, then done

the physical moment we touch
is nothing more
never would fill a life time
never could fill your world
and all you want to feel

we hold ourselves at night alone
hoping for someone to do the same
but how can that be
when you can't even remember the last guy's name?
..and how can you feel
if no contact you have is real?

you keep tripping on eachothers feet
and I'm just watching, wanting to fix it all
but my solution is merely mine, not your intention
and as we dine, you look in her eyes
this is the part that I despise
and I can feel the heat, every tap, every beat
my racing heart and my ice cold glare
breaks you two, eachothers stare
you fall to pieces, the tension so strong
you know I've held on way too long

and you're just tripping on eachothers feet
so much confusion
my desire is not her solution
and you feel my cold stare, my dead eyes
breaking you in two
to think that it could have been just me and you
I crack your voice as I interject
you see me tearing
so you fall to pieces, the tension so strong
because you know I've held on way too long

and you two keep tripping on each others feet
tripping as I watch
wanting to dance into my sense of defeat
by her I've been beat
and her satisfaction now tears me
her satisfaction is what wears me
and you know I feel it, you feel it too
so then I run, grab you, and sob
and before you said goodbye
I watched you try to grab the dinner check
but your cash went short
so you only covered her meal
and I swear this mustn't be real
and by now I'm trying to hold back, no more tears
I almost did crack watching you two
this was my biggest fear
because I wanted to dance with you
or simply the clarity that this is through

I want to run from bad
stay with good
get the **** out
I do wish I could
find an escape
to save myself
while I'm holding on
I'm being let go by everyone else

I'm intuitive
so I do know
that I wasn't good enough
even when I put on the show

And **** the lies
the cover up
**** it all
cause' no matter what I do
I continue to fall

So **** that *****
I'm not dumb
I know she won
the best **** thing that I now do see is done

Wrong is attracted to me
I'm trying to find right
this is the ****
that keeps me up at night
but even when
I find something good enough for ME
I'm not good enough for it
and don't you see
I'm nothing more than a week of fun
because after that
everybody's done

Every slammed door,
every scream,
every second was like a dream.
This dream brought me misery,
this dream brought me pain,
this dream was my parents
going insane.

she puts on a smile every day
she tries to be nice in every way
yet she is always about to cry
she feels that her life is one big lie
hiding her emotions and hiding her fears
she puts on a smile and holds back the tears

Weekdays in school
Weekends at home
cold winter nights
when I'm alone

Good old friends
they meet their ends
their time is up
new friends
good luck

over-thinking all the time
an emotional rhyme
crying at night
yet laughing daylight

making these choices
hearing these voices
talking to myself
for I've got no one else

this little bit of pain
is what's driving me insane

An angel
A doll
A baby girl will fall
You fiend
You fool
A boy so cruel
Darling girl
So sweet
Broken dreams
A boy
A heart so cold
He seems

let's have our midnight coffee
spike it a bit
smokin' a cigarette
and just keep hopin' life's gunna take us somewhere
but let's not waste the cab fare
we all know we're going nowhere

everything changes
did I change
...or stay the same?

did I let each memory stay with me
as you turned over a whole new leaf?

did I run from each new beginning
...in hopes that it'd be you I was winning?

was it all just me being stuck in the past?
or did I truly think it would last?

either way, I know by now
that I have to walk...I was just hoping you could teach me how

People will come
look, but not see
the broken house this had once come to be

This practically now perfect space
isn't true to this place

This house, it is disguised
to impress
hiding the past, it is all lies
covering the mess.

new beginnings

softer endings

hold me til my head stops spinning

stop the laughing

you're not having

anything other than winning

so let's begin

this over again

and when you come to see

what it is that's wrong with me

you can confess

that I'm the mess

while you're the striving

boy of stress

She asked for the ride

and you said no

she's broken inside

with no place to go



you left her to her own

she needs you there

she is all alone

and you don't care



she wonders why

the time you spent

was such a lie

and when you went

away for good

she cried all night

like anyone who's fallen would