I never realized
How easy it could be
To lose yourself-

I stopped taking time for myself,
Gave myself to others,
Piece by piece.

Every time I put the puzzle back together,
Another piece was missing.
Or perhaps stolen.

One day I will no longer exist.

It only takes a split second
We are not invincible
Fate decides
The turns we take
The bad moments to look at our phones
Fate decides
Whether we see tomorrow's sunrise.
See our family one last time.

A young life taken
A mother is shaken
My eyes have opened
It could have been me
It could have been any of us.
But 18 years young
Lost to the world
Because
Fate decides.

Cry me a river,
In fact,
Cry me two.
I am sick of hearing,
All about you.
You never once stopped
To ask about me.
While I sat and listened
To all your sob stories.
I love you,
But I need you to know.
I can't listen to you.
You are self-absorbed.
And I can't help you.
Even if I wanted to.

It's funny,
Isn't it?
How life can be so cruel,
Yet so giving.
But you choose how to spend your time.
The things you want to happen,
The little things you get excited for,
That will make you happy,
They will seem to take a long time,
Very slow.
And you don't like to wait.
You will learn to stop getting excited for things,
And they will begin to come and go,
Quicker than ever.
You will realize that by giving up this wait,
The wait for excitement or happiness,
You are seeing your life flash before your eyes.
But you don't care anymore,
Because it's too late.

I must admit
I'm a little terrified
To have you in my life again,
Because,
You knew me before I changed.
The person I used to be.
And I can never,
Live up to the old me,
Ever again.

Here's to a new beginning.
Pasts don't matter
Become who you want to be
Leave it all behind
Go live your life
Go find happiness
But don't forget
Happiness doesn't come from success,
It comes from you.

I lost a part of myself
A long time ago.
But one day,
I woke up
During the middle of spring
And I saw the sun for the first time in a while.
I stopped comparing my tears to the rain.
Instead of the voices inside my head,
All I could hear were the sounds of nature.
I laughed until it no longer sounded foreign.
I did all of these things
Because something inside clicked.
I was happy.

I lost a part of myself
A long time ago.
But,
I think I found it.

I am the Ice Queen-
Hardening others' souls.
When I'm not hurting others,
I shiver in my own cold.

I am the Ice Queen-
Ruining hopes and dreams.
When I'm not making others cry,
You can hear my screams.

What am I supposed to do,
When my biggest battle
Is with myself?

The more I fight,
The more I give in.
For it is neverending.

The struggle with myself,
Day in and day out,
Is my only true battle.

She gracefully walked into the ocean
Her dress flowing behind her
Welcoming the waves,
It seemed,
As an old friend.
She looked to the horizon-
Smiling,
As she dipped below the surface.

When she disappeared,
Some questioned whether she had drowned,
But no,
The Selkie had simply
Returned to her home
In the depths of the sea.

I decided to stop running
It was getting me no where
I'd run
And run
And I'd run some more.
All my strength went into this running
I felt that I'd eventually get to a place
Where I wouldn't have to run anymore.
It was so close
Just over that cliff.
I'd run
And run
And I'd run some more.
But I'd just keep falling.
No matter how much I ran,
How much time I put into it
I was in a constant state of free fall
I could never understand why.
Falling over and over again.
I ended up with bruises.
Not just physical
But emotional as well.
I just wouldn't stop
My happy ending was just over that cliff.
I'd run
And run
And I'd run some more
Until I was so broken that I just couldn't anymore.

I looked up to the sky
And realized
I had been trying to run up a mountain.
I have been beaten down
Broken
Only because I believed I could rush my happy ending
I tried to run up a steep mountain
And because of that I believed
That I would never achieve true happiness
I would never get over the cliff.
It is time I look at this mountain differently
Take a more meticulous approach.
Perhaps it's time I learn to climb
Slowly, but surely
I will hopefully make it to the top.
So I suppose now it is time
I'll climb
And climb
And I'll climb some more.
Because sometimes it takes a different approach
To achieve everything you've always dreamed of.

I wore a life vest this time,
But I still feel my monsters
Trying to drag me below the surface-
Trying to drown me.
I am in a constant battle
For my life.

I crawled into a new life
When maybe I should have jumped
Slowly lowering myself
Into the icy depths
When I should have taken a dive
So now here I am
Frostbitten and cold
I did this to myself

You walked by and never saved me
Because I wasn't drowning
You saw me standing in the icy water
And just assumed that I was fine
But if I had just jumped
If I had only taken that dive,
Then maybe you would have seen me drowning
Maybe you would have tried to save me.

Stop.
Step back.
Take a glance,
Reflect on your actions.
So many of us,
Make choices without thought,
Make mistakes without care,
But we do not understand
The consequences.
So I believe we all
Should take a moment
And stop.

We are wild.
We are free.
We grow together in disarray.
Never knowing right and wrong,
Going in our own directions.
Sometimes we get cut down,
And put back into a controlled state.
Sometimes we flourish in the sunshine,
Uncontrolled and successful.
We encounter both paths.
But we find our ways to ourselves.
We are all part of a wild rose garden,
We are humans.

Crashing waves
The steady wind
Chirping birds
The wind chimes on our old porch
Sounds of thunder rolling into our small town
The most beautiful noises I can think of.
These are the sounds I hear when I close my eyes.

One sound is missing however.
*I can no longer hear your voice

Constantly running a race
That involves everyone
Indescribable and painful obstacles
That we must overcome.
Hurrying as fast as possible
To get to an unknown destination;
Places we only hear about
Places we've never seen.
People have fallen behind me
Lost in this race,
And it's only a matter of time
Before I trip,
And get trampled by millions.

She loved the rain.
She loved the way it fell with purpose,
The way it changed from sprinkle to downpour.
The way it caressed her face
When she looked to the clouds
She thought it to be gentle
Beautiful.
So maybe that's why she didn't notice,
When the flood began,
That she was drowning.

Toxic lies
Coming out of your mouth
Your toxic love
Covering me in faux happiness
The toxic substances
I've had to consume
To get your toxic personality
Out of my head

Paper mache hearts
Stepped on
Broken-
As people walk on.
Not enough glue
Not enough paper
To repair them all.
Not enough-
To place the shards of our hearts
Back together.

Everything is falling apart.
The roof is caving in,
The flooding waters from above
Weighing it down.
My strength is no more
There is no way
I can keep the roof from crashing
Down on me.

Do you see him
Haunting silently in the dark.
Of course not.
He is well hidden
He only hides,
Because he fears
Everything around he hears.
He knows what he is.
He cannot show himself to the world.
It is too dangerous.
But
He will never be free
Until he just lets go.

And she wrote
About the way the sky looked
At the end of the day
About the way the stars danced
When she looked at them through her telescope
About the poem she read
That made her cry
About the ocean
As it found its way to the shore
About the storm she witnessed
As it angrily shot out lightning
All beautiful things
All beautiful things

But most importantly,
She wrote about you.
About your kind eyes
And your soft smile
And the way you could talk to her
And the way you laughed
The way you would look at her
Like no one else did
You understood
All beautiful things
All beautiful things

How easy it would be,
To cry myself to sleep
After a bad day.
But I won't.
Even when I'm all alone.
I tell myself I'm too strong to cry.
But the truth is,
I'm saving these bad day tears
For a special moment.
The day the dam will burst.
The worst day of my life.
The day I lose you.
And it has not come yet.

They tell you
To wish upon the stars
So you find one that falls
Close your eyes
And wish with all your might
But you never knew
The stars couldn't bring back the past
Or the dead
The stars can't ever get you what you want

They never tell you
That even the stars
Have their limits.

It will be interesting to see-
The end of days.
When the sun is blocked out of the sky
And havoc will encompass the earth,
Will I be the one trying to find the light?
Or will I be the bacteria
Thriving in the darkness?

I JUST WANT TO HEAR YOUR VOICE
She screamed out,
No one in the void seemed to hear her.
I MISS YOU
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
Oh, but she knew
She knew.
There was someone out there listening.
But they didn't think the screams were important.
They didn't see her screams as what they were-
A cry for help.
CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?
PLEASE ANSWER*
Please...*
The shouts turned to whispers
The whispers turned to sobs.
Then,
Silence.

I am lost,
In this desolate place in time and space
Slowly floating into nonexistence
A life of not doing
But being.
Who knew space was like a maze?
The dead ends replaced with black holes
That **** you up into their worlds.
A world of darkness,
With tiny dashes of light.
***** of gas burning me alive.
A world of suffering,
But a world of beauty.
I don't believe I mind the pain.
Glancing at Earth from billions of light years away
A tiny ant.
We are nothing.
Our lives are only a minuscule fraction of this universe,
So along I go,
I couldn't find my place in my world,
So I floated through space
To find my place in the universe,
But this maze has overcome me
I don't think humans were made
To experience life in the sky.

When you need a friend's help,
Do not fret.
Do not fear.
Your best and only friend is near.
Trust only them.
Turn around and face Her-
The one who understands you best.
Turn around and look in the mirror-
Where only your face appears.
Because everyone else made a mess.

I allow myself to be a sinking stone-
Settling in the bottom of the sea,
Encompassed in darkness.

I wait for a tide
To bring me to shore-
But it never comes.

I am disappearing.
The bingeing of alcohol and food-
The disorders and the late nights.
They are devouring who I am.

How to cope
With this devastating revelation-
When everything I want to do
Will eventually **** me?

Time flies by,
But I feel like I'm standing still
There's a part of me that doesn't mind
The stressed part
That doesn't want to deal with anything.
Then there's the other part of me,
That wants to run with the time
Travel the world
And die when the time is right.
Time flies by,
And I don't want to stand still anymore.

Will today be the day?
When I try to be better,
Do better?
When I become who I always was
The person I am supposed to be,
And not an empty shell?

I can remember,
How good it felt-
To be the old me.
How I wish I could go back,
Will today be the day?
The day I change?

I used to believe
A heart broke quickly.
A strayed lover,
A punch to the gut,
A truth revealed-

But it is not like that really.

A heart breaks slowly.
It bruises and strains
With each added hurt
With every small fight.
Little fractures begin to form
With every feeling of being unwanted
And every time he makes you cry.
Pieces begin to fall away
When he stops coming home
And starts sleeping on the couch.
The pieces get larger
When he stops touching you
And his actions no longer match his words.

When he breaks his promise
Of forever with you-
You realize you feel an emptiness inside.
A heart broken gradually
Until nothing is left behind.
Your only hope-
Is that maybe a small piece still remains
That you can rebuild from.

And you vow-
To protect it better next time.

A poem created in a head-
Lost before it can be written down,
Is a true tragedy.
A story that will never be told
Words that will never be released
Forever ******
To the graveyard
Of forgotten memories
And the crypts
Of stolen livelihood.

See that bed?
That's where he had his heart attack
When my dad was alive.

See that hospital?
That's where he was
When my dad was alive.

See those chairs?
We sat there waiting
When my dad was alive.

See those double doors?
I walked through those
When my dad was alive.

See that fountain?
I used to see it everyday
When my dad was alive.

See that cafeteria booth?
That's where me and my family ate
When my dad was alive.

See that nurse?
I think she might recognize me from
When my dad was alive.

See that couch?
That's where I sat
When I learned
That my dad had died.

The calendar hasn't changed it's page
In 5 years.
It's hanging on the wall upstairs
Stuck on February 2011
It's too sad to turn the page
Because you were always the one to do it,
Until the day you died
In February 2011.

You went on your fishing trip
Caught a big one this time,
You said.
This one's a bit heavy,
Weighed down.
With a sharp tug on the pole,
You finally retrieved your catch.
Well, what is it?,
You asked.
You held something in your hand
Pulsing and black.
Whatever it is,
It's not worth it.
You threw it back into the water,
Back into the dark depths.
Let's keep on fishing.
I wanna catch a big bass.

They say there's plenty of fish in the sea
But you didn't even notice,
When you caught my heart.
Sure,
It was beaten
Almost unrecognizable.
But it only took you a second,
To judge my darkness
As impairment,
And toss me back to a personal hell
You reeled in my heart,
And you didn't even know.

I'm sorry I can't be
**The catch of the day.

As a lost little bird
I can confidently say
That being alone in this nest
Is a terrifying ordeal.
My mother taught me how to fly,
But I'm afraid to jump.
Will I hit the asphalt?
Or will I find success?
I could live out my life
In this tiny little nest.
It is comfortable,
And I enjoy being here.
Or I could jump.
I could find out if I can fly.
But this could also be the day I die.

It just doesn't feel right.
The weather is rainy
And I'm huddled in my feathers.
Do I still have a chance to jump
If everything feels wrong?

Hurry-
Send the troops
A new war has begun.
A war deep inside of me.
We will need ammo
We need survival strategy.
Find me someone-
Who has experienced
This war before
Find me someone-
Who can help me win.

I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough
To keep you from falling down
But how can you expect me
To hold you up
When I can barely hold myself up
At the edge of this cliff

I heard it today.
Quite shocking,
I must say.
It wasn't forced,
It wasn't fake.
I heard myself laugh
A genuine laugh.
Welcome back.

You're just as important to me
As I am to you.
So don't downplay yourself
As if you're nothing.
You are my everything.
You are the face
That I want to see when I wake up.
The voice that I want to hear say,
"Good morning, beautiful."
I listen to everyone's problems,
But yours are the only ones
That don't annoy me
Because they are my problems too
And I guess I just accepted
That I want to be with you
For a long long time
And I love that idea
Of us

She trained for years
Mending mistakes
Accepting the mind of a fighter
Archiving past learned lessons.
Her body bearing the scars
From all the times she had fallen.
So much failure turned into strength,
So much success turned into pride.
And one final battle loomed in the distant future.
She was thoroughly prepared
Been ready for this day since she was 10
She was ready to fight.
She was ready to win.
But once the battle began,
She got hit and turned to dust.
Just like that.
Over in an instant.
Years and years of training.
Gone.

I watched as all those months went by
Oh my how time flies

Didn't even know when the time was right.
I didn't know I was supposed to say goodbye

You left me stranded with my thoughts
How many times had we fought?

For all those days you sat in a hospital bed
It made my heart feel like lead

They told us you were coming home
But how were we to know?

**How were we to know you'd die and leave us all alone?

I used to be a bird.
I flew high up in the skies.
Raced the sunrise,
Floated through the starry nights.
Flew above the ocean
With my wings expanded.
I was a majestic creature.
It was a beautiful life,
Until the day
You broke my wings
And I forgot how to fly.

How wonderful it would be-
To find the light
I know dwells inside of me.
I know you want to help me,
But don't you understand?
The difficulty of finding the sun,
When I've been relying on the moon?

And when I said,
"Beware of those who pretend",
It was a warning,
Because you should never-
Trust someone who tells you that,
Because they know
How to pretend
All too well.

I travelled place to place
Looking for something I needed
From Texas to Europe
To New York and Mexico.
I could not find it
What is this thing
I wondered
That they call living?
I looked everywhere
Carefully planning my future
But then
One day I turned around.
I saw all of my past experiences behind me
The good times
The bad times
The nights I felt alive
And I simply said
*oh.

I guess I never noticed
The loneliness in her eyes
A burning blue fire
That burned her insides
Is there anything to save her?
Maybe,
But it's up to her to decide.
Does she want to live,
Or does she want to die?