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Hayley Jan 2015
1)* Boys (gotta love being on your period and wanting to make out with *everyone)
2) Poetry (writing and reading)
3) Reading (mostly romance)
4) The Idea of Love (who isn't?)
5) Death (the who, what, when, where, why and how of it)
6) Perfection (striving for the impossible)
7) Myself (my nose is too big, my thighs are too big, I'm too big)
8) Making the Most of Every Moment (see #5)
9) Unimportant Stuff (such as why I may be liking him again?)
10) Making the People I Love Feel It (I ******* love you to pieces)
Not sure this is what you meant, but imma just roll with it...
Hayley Dec 2014
This pitch black room conjures thoughts
of the horror movies I've watched,
those I haven't,
and those I've imagined

This room,
once a safe-haven,

has become a Hell drenched expanse,

waiting for my mind
to breathe life

into its
Lungs
Wrote this last night. My stepdad makes me turn my phone off at ten so I couldn't post it.
Hayley Jan 2018
Paul texted me how disappointed he was in me at 7am
At 5am Milk texted me about how upset and betrayed he feels by me
I've just been laying in bed crying
all morning (oh my god its 1:26pm)
I'm hungry but also don't want to eat
at all
My head feels empty but also like its gonna explode
When I woke up I almost puked
My throat hurts from screaming and crying last night
I don't know what I want anyone to say
Really
Hayley Dec 2014
I cannot function.

These words may not make sense the morning,

but that's the beauty of writing,
isn't it?

You write what works, what flows, what feels right in the moment,

Then reflect later, thinking

"What the ****?"
Wrote it 12/29
Didn't post it til today
Hayley Jan 2018
It feels like for every good day there's enough bad in 1 hour to **** all the good out of my life.
Maybe if you'd just stop ******* smoking and drinking things might be ok, because we only ever have problems when you're not sober.
And you for some reason can't see that as the issue but ******* it really is and every time I hear you walk or laugh or say a single word while you're under the influence I cringe because I'm ******* scared you'll say anything to me and I'll go to bed
Crying again
Hayley Dec 2015
Should I still get nervous around you? Or does that mean we don't work...?
For real, comment and help me out lol
Hayley Feb 2016
I'm so sick of not having the words to describe how I feel anymore.
The smallest of provocations makes me cry, sometimes as soon as I lay down the tears start flowing and I can't ever stop them before I text a friend, or my boyfriend.
My boyfriend, who treats me as if my feelings are dumb, though he swears he doesn't mean to.
They reply with "what's wrong" and
I can't give them an answer
My best friend says it's OK,
My boyfriend sends a confused face.
And time and time again I apologize for not knowing what's wrong, for inconveniencing them with my feelings, but saying this makes me feel even more helpless.
I can't even tell the truth to myself anymore.
I'm lying in my bed crying for no reason.
**Help me please
(Title is a serious question. I have no idea what's happening to me)
Hayley Jan 2015
I just want to slap you as hard as possible.
My parents when they fight,
My friends when they act stupid
Myself when I lie.
Hayley Jan 2016
I'm so sick of saying sorry when i don't mean it, I need it.
You can borrow mine if you want, it's right on the tip of my tongue,
oh but don't grab the words I saved for my notebook,
for that other version of you that I believe will love me after I tell him the truth about how I feel.
And don't grab that poem about how much I love you when you say you love you, I mean me.
Right?
See, I think you grabbed the wrong words, you grabbed the I'm
but left the sorry,
and took the right?,
but left the question mark.
I'm left with the sorry?, and I have no choice but to use it.
I honestly wrote so much in my notebook but this is the only one i wrote on my phone
Hayley May 2016
The water, too hot
The faucet got cold,
And with it my feet,
My most sensitive parts are suddenly burned by the touch of this warmth
This warmth is no campfire though,
It engulfs my body and I am left,
Charred and crying,
Please just go away
Hayley Jun 2016
It's so odd to see you,
The person whom I used to tell anything,
And not say anything at all
#ex
Hayley Jan 2015
In my snuggie,
Like a mofukin thuggie
Im so sorry. Hahahaha
Hayley Jan 2015
How is it,
that I want you back?

I never had you to begin with.
Hayley Jan 2015
I want to delete my history of you,
but my keyboard is broken,
my mouse doesn't move,
and my laptop is already dead.
Hayley Jan 2015
we cannot be rid of our Shadows,
our Shadows will always lie behind us,
our pasts are Shadows we can't escape

even though the Shadows are not always in sight,
they never leave us

our Shadows, our pasts, are always a part of us,
like in this,
the Shadow of the bird's beak seems to be the beak itself

the outline around this bird resembles a pedestal, raising this dead dove above the ground

the darkness of the bird itself makes you see the Shadows as a part of it

I can hear the waves just beyond

the bird was so beautiful, and now it's dead

I wonder what it looked like flying. . .
I went to the Art Institute of Chicago the other day. I was looking up pieces before I went, and found one that inspired this poem.
"Portrait of a Sea Dove - Dead" by Marsden Hartley.
The URL: http://www.artic.edu/aic/collections/artwork/65945
Art is so beautiful
Hayley Jun 2016
I said it was "cold sweat";
My hair was just wet
from a shower last night
Hayley Dec 2014
Young enough to say what you feel,
Old enough to know your feelings are wrong.

Young enough to embrace love,
Old enough to let it go.

Young enough to laugh openly,
Old enough to be embarrassed.

Young enough to cry freely,
Old enough to stop

Young enough to feel pain,
Old enough to know there is more to come

Young enough to write,
Old enough to communicate.
Hayley Jan 2015
A number cannot describe
what it felt
to die

A portion was taken
and you
weren't even shaken

My body is but a number to you
but I
refuse

You now hold a piece of my heart
all because
I wasn't smart

A fraction is all I have to hold,
and honestly?

it's getting quite old
The title (book poem challenge) was from Twilight, by Stephanie Meyer
Hayley Jan 2015
*******.

Those poems were from a year ago.

I just deleted all of them,
are you happy now?
Oh wait, you could never be happy, because anything that I'm involved in makes you angry for no reason.
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. The past is in the past, but let's not forget YOU cheated on ME.
******* x 475037290
Hayley Jan 2018
My best friend doesnt understand and
that is the saddest thing I can think of.

I told her I want someone to tell me that my feelings are valid, that his feelings are valid, I don't want anyone to take my side anymore, I don't want anyone to tell me he's crazy, or he's an alcoholic, or that I'm in a "weird position".

Friends can't help but take their friends' side when in an argument with anyone, but I don't want sides anymore I just want confirmation that I'm not ******* crazy.

I just want to tell someone what's going on. Period. End of story. I just want someone to purely listen, don't say what they think they should, view it with an outsiders perspective, and don't try to change anything, don't try to understand because you don't, but just try to listen.

I just don't want to talk to someone in fear that they will try to intervene, that they will try to fix something. And for some reason I see that as a bad thing, and its because I don't want to make him mad. Because telling someone how I feel would be telling them that I'm scared when he's been drinking. And nothing good comes out of that.

I really think if he just stopped drinking we could be ok, but I don't know how to make that happen. I just want to be ******* happy again is that so much to ask?
Hayley Jan 2015
Sitting all alone in my basement
With less than an hour til 2015

Lying to myself by making
Resolutions

Still, I tell myself
I will be a better person

What.
*******.
*******.
Happy new years!
Hayley Dec 2014
If I were you,
I would love to hate myself
You are so beautiful and don't even realize it.
Hayley Dec 2014
How many times do I have to
prove to you
that I
do.
not.
lie?

How many times do you have to
prove to me
that I
am.
not.
strong?

How many times do I have to
say "sorry"
before the word
communicates
my
remorse?

How many times do you have to
say "go to sleep"
before I
do.
something.
I.
*Regret.
Figure it out
Hayley Jan 2015
Thank you.

While everyone else is partying,
Having fun with friends,
Dancing into the New Year,
I am at home
In my basement

Alone
Im crying myself to sleep tonight. Literally im the only one home right now, and I have strep throat. Happy new year! I hate you all
Hayley Mar 2015
Hearing your voice puts knifes in my heart

You'd think by now the knife would be dull

But it reopens the wounds as easy as ever

These scars are never to heal

Hearing your voice makes my blood pulse

The new wounds bleed faster

You'd think I'd never forget this pain

But every time it feels just as bad

This blood will stain me forever

Hearing your voice makes my breath short*

My vision goes black

You'd think I'd wake up feeling confused

But I remember it clearly;

Your voice took my breath for good
Hayley Jan 2015
If silence is golden,
What is noise?

If silence is golden,
What is a whisper?

If silence is golden,
Why don't we treasure it more?
Hayley Nov 2015
I feel like a child using adult words
Hayley Jan 2015
It seems that the only lips to speak my
name
in longing,
are those that hide

in my head

The only creatures that ask for me
for more than just a friend,
speak to me
from

under my bed

The only people who hate the world I live
are those who live

within.
Hayley Apr 2018
We are mistakes
We are apologies
We are saying sorry when we don't mean it, we need it,
Someone else should say it for a change
We are “it's okay”
“Of course it's ok”
We are “My bad”
Creating excuses from the vibrant corners of our mind
The only parts that aren't dusty with misuse

We are dependent, if nothing else
We are unhappy if you're unhappy,
Our feelings are a bed of nails that only admit to being a bed,
Because of course as long as you're careful you won't get hurt.

Our ears are pressed to the carpet,
Listening to your every move,
Keeping a tally of missteps that
we won't ever tell you you took

We are quiet
Until prying our own chapped lips open,
we are apologetic,
We are every bottled up “I hate you”
And “go to hell”
And “*******” that we never got to say
And we keep it down, swallow it whole, refuse to breathe so it can't escape, be sure it can never escape
Because, like a moth flies towards the light, we are always flying towards resolution
Nevermind our feelings,
We will be ok,
Are you ok?
We're happy if you're happy, after all.

And then they come and sew our mouths shut,
Pat us on the head, so we know we are the ones at fault,
They say “shh” because our words are too sharp for their ears,
And god forbid they bleed instead of us
Isn't that the point of it all?
We are your shields and you can never be rid of us,
Like every hair on your body,
We stand up when fear takes over,
Like every shiver in cold,
We will attempt to bring you back to normal,
Like every single time the moon falls,
We will be back to shine in your darkness

We are underestimated
We are under acknowledged
Under viewed
Under appreciated
Under valued
But we know we are not unused or unloved

We are not understood either,
But understanding is an understatement when it comes to us

We are every moment you need a friend and
Every time a friend needs a moment
We are the impenetrable armor that everyone wish they had in their army
We are the gun, too
Loaded, but never fired
Saving ourselves for the right time
Hayley Mar 2016
Crying feels like drowning
When you cry for long enough, your nose starts feeling stale
You know when you're swimming and inhale water?
Sniffling has that effect on you after a while
As if your feelings are getting caught in your sinuaes, chemicaled with the chlorine of what you did, and the pool cleaner of how you tried to fix it.

His water is suffocating me because I forgot to turn the ******* hose off.

Its cold in here
Hayley Feb 2015
I can hardly breathe
My eyes are wet
I'm breaking down
How bad can it get?

I've already cried this week
Honestly you can stop
Just shut up
JUST SHUT THE **** UP
I'm gonna lose it
Hayley Feb 2015
When I was younger, I used to eat Lucky Charms all the time. I used to pick out all the marshmallows, leaving all the terrible, yet still very sugary "frosted oats." I made myself eat all of the bad part first, then as I reward I would eat all of the marshmallows at once.

I'm thinking maybe I should go about life like I used to eat my Lucky Charms...

Save the best for last, get the bad part over with, then have all the good stuff at once.

But what if I have more frosted oats than marshmallows?

What if the amount of frosted oats is too much to swallow?

I'd never be able to finish
Not really a poem, just thoughts
Hayley Jan 2015
Honestly,
I will drown you,

Breathing is but a luxury
Water, in case it wasn't obvious.
Hayley Nov 2017
1.  Ice falling into a glass
2. The opening of a diet coke can
3. Him stomping
4. Him sitting in the chair in the kitchen
5. Him coming close to my door
6. Him going to the bathroom outside my room
7. Loud music after 9pm
8. Him talking
9. Him screaming
10. Him laughing
11. Him breathing
12-infinity. Any association that reminds me of home 3 years ago

And this isnt to say hes an alcoholic its just to say that when he drinks I view him as the monster my mom made me think he was and although I know he's a good man I can't help but go right back to being scared in my room, hearing them yell at each other in the other room and you know I have never honestly said that I have been abused but I have been abused. Emotionally, psychologically. I love this man but he also scares me to death and that isn't fair. I'm going to model my parenting after everything my parents weren't and I can't wait to be a mom just to see my child be so much better off than I am.
Hayley Jan 2015
I'm finally understanding why you meant so **** much.

Why I still find you in the cobwebbed corners of my mind.

You were the only one, out of all the guys in my past, that has actually liked me, for me

The others, they saw my ***, and were instantly drawn in.

For you, my body was a plus, an advantage to being with me.

It was the first time I had ever been touched by a guy, and it was also the last time I was loved for more than my body.

You knew me for more than a big ****, but
you still didn't want me

When I broke up with you (or did you break up with me? It happened so many times in my head, I'm not really sure how we ended)

When we broke up, you weren't just breaking up with my body, like everyone since you had, you were breaking up with my personality.

I can change my body, but my personality is permanent.

That's why you meant, mean, so much to me. You not only rejected my body, but you rejected me

**I finally figured it out
Andrew...I hope you see this. I hope you can finally understand why I never stopped loving you.
Hayley Nov 2015
Last night, I lay and stared at your face
I don't think I've ever seen anything that sincere,
I have never had anyone look at me
With that
Admiration
Before.
Staring into your eyes,
I realized that I was probably looking at you the same way.
I felt like you could see all of me,
And you loved everything you saw.
Hayley Dec 2014
The one guaranteed to break your heart,
he seems like a good idea.



"I hate you" will definitely get you out of this one.



If your lies spill out of your mouth faster than your heart is beating,
they won't even know.
Or are those impulses?
Hayley Apr 2015
I've been wanting to hold your hand, but every time I think about it, mine get sweaty.
I'm just scared you'll pull away
Hayley Jan 2017
It's been a while since I wrote,
Since I usually only write when I'm struggling
And lately ive not been struggling
Since my mom moved out and I moved back in
Since I became tired of school
Since I became normal

I'm sick of being normal
I want to be on an extreme
I want to be depressed
I want to be elated
Ive felt both sides of the spectrum and I'm bored of being nothing special anymore
I'm sick of doing nothing all day because I find it relaxing
I'm sick of talking to strangers all night because the people in my life in front of me don't entertain me anymore.

Wife me up is a weird phrase, isn't it?

Spanish class shouldn't be this boring

Why can't he be my own age? And not make bad choices, like me?

I'm the bad choice, not the one who makes bad choices
I think

I'm sick of saying "I think" and people accepting that as fact and being okay with the fact that nothing is definite

Life me up, please
Hayley Jan 2015
Energy cannot be lost or created, it can only be transformed.
SCIENCE
Hayley Jan 2018
I thought it was gonna be good
i was wrong
Hayley Feb 2016
When I can't sleep I think about you
When I can sleep, I dream about you

When I can't cope, I leave without you

When I can't smile, I look at you
When I can smile, I gaze at you

When I can't breathe, I wait for you
When I can breathe, I wait for you to stop me
Hayley May 2016
I have this teddy bear you gave me

I have this teddy bear you gave me for Christmas

I have this teddy bear you gave me for Christmas because I asked for it

I have this teddy bear you gave be for Christmas because I asked for it and you didn't know what else to get me

I have this teddy bear you gave me for Christmas because I asked for it and you didn't know what else to get me because you actually don't know me at all

I have this teddy bear you gave me for Christmas because I asked for it and you didn't know what else to get me because you actually don't know me at all even though we had been dating for a year

I have this teddy bear you gave me and I cuddle with him, with zero thought of you

I have this teddy bear you gave me and when I break up with you, I'm going to keep him

I have this teddy bear you gave me and he has never, and will never, have a name

I have this teddy bear who? gave me
Hayley Mar 2015
What the hell was I thinking?
I'd be in so much trouble if ANYONE found out.
Hayley Jan 2015
You know it's bad when you wake up at two in the morning, moaning.
Then the moaning turns to crying,
The crying to sobbing,
And
Suddenly it's seven,
And you have to face another ******* day.

*Great
Hayley May 2016
When you stab dry sand it takes a different shape  but is otherwise unchanged
Hayley Jan 2015
When you take a ****,

And I ain't talking no "ploop ploop" kind of ****,
I'm talking a HUGE MASSIVE MONSTER DUMP THAT MAY HAVE KILLED YOUR SISTER SITTING IN THE OTHER ROOM kind of ****.

And then you realize,
*There is no toilet paper.
0.0
Fml this just happened hahahahaha.
Sorry I found it so funny.
Hayley Feb 2015
When I smell dandruff shampoo, I think of my father

I guess my nose remembers him better than my head

When I smell a ***** shirt, I think of my grandmother

I guess my nose remembers her, even though she's practically dead

When I smell my old perfume, I think of him

I guess my nose remembers him, and everything he said
Every time I smell it, I get dizzy and sorta wanna puke
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