This morning, I just wanted to sleep,
Instead,
I was violently woken by your voices

The worst kind of wake up call is
the one that teaches you that nothing
is ever going to change.

I've given up on trying to find a way out,
I've stopped believing I'm not alone
Yet,
I'm still surprised every. single. time.

I thought by now I'd be used to this,
I thought I was the King of Hatred
The Queen of Disappointment

Everytime she screams, or he screams, or
I scream
It hurts just as bad,
I still can feel the weight of my family's dysfunctional fuckery crushing me,
Soon,
I will be nothing at all.

But for now,
I get out of bed,
Look in the mirror,
And smile.

The fakeness of my family lives within me, too

I can't even cry loudly in fear that my tears will wake the people who truly live here

The only thing I can't stand is hearing sorry from someone who doesn't mean it.

If I go one more hour without talking to you, my heart will explode
As is, my face is breaking, my chest is tightening around something that is only getting larger with regret

Why is the shampoo bottle clear, but not the conditioner?

I have no trouble getting shampoo out of the bottle, but I'm thinking of ripping apart my conditioner bottle...

Hmmm

Love him one day and hate him the next?
It's the teenage obsession with ***!

Do anything to get him to notice you
Find out that all along that he's a snake, too

Other than looks, what more does he have?
The opportunity for a good, hearty laugh

Overall, what are you to do and say?
Just pray that this obession will go away

Seeing all these words
Written in spite of our latest
Mothers
Haters and
Lovers

Makes me realize:
Writing is not a cure
Writing does not help

Poetry will not close the door in his face
Poetry will not tell him "no,"

These words do just the
opposite

Telling our latest
Mothers
Haters and
Lovers

They have caused
these words,
once beautiful,
to become

Tainted.

Why would I inhale all of my problems, when I can let them go?

I can breathe quickly til I pass out

I can hold my breathe til I die

Or let it all out with a sigh

I'd rather **** myself than choke on the words of others.

Honey, just leave me be.

Beyond the trees you see,
I see the monsters

Beyond the trees you see,
I see the darkness

Beyond the trees you see,
I see the birds

Beyond the trees you see,
I hear the music

I can finally understand why people cut
Its a feeling of loss of control
Like a car swerving in front of yours
Like knowing when you'll die
Like being aware as you drown
Like déjà vu
But the kind of déjà vu that leaves you uneasy and confused
Angry or sad or indifferent arent the right ones to describe this emotion
Its the feeling you get when everything is going wrong
When the things you love become the past
When the things you love become the last thing on your mind before
*bliss

I'm trying so hard not to think because once I do I can hear what is going on around me and I'm trying so hard not to think because once I don't I can't hear what is going on inside me

If nothing else, I'll miss my friends
If nothing else, I'll tell him how I feel
If nothing else, I'll give myself to people who I've spent more than half my life with and I'll leave me with us here, miles and miles away from a new place I'll call "home"

When I showed up,
Out of breath,
Scared
At 1am
I did not think that taking off my coat could
Ever
Feel so intimate
At 1am,
It was as if I was naked, my arms were the parts of me that no one had seen
At 1am,
My coat was gone and suddenly so were my inhibitions
At 1am,
You pulled me into the bed,
Bliss
At 2am,
The fact that your mom didn't know made every feeling that much stronger
At 2am,
We did things I should be ashamed of
At 2am,
I felt so ******* amazing
At 2am,
We thought your mom was coming in (******* your cat)
At 3am,
My lips were numb
At 3am,
I still wanted more
At 3am,
It seemed you were done
You came,
And then left
At 3am,
I lay in your bed alone, hoping that we weren't
At 3am,
You came back and cuddled with me
At 3am,
You showed me way more than you have ever told me
At 4am,
We decided to stop
At 4am,
I remembered I was supposed to be at home
At 4am,
We talked, and laughed
At 4am,
You told me I was too loud
At 4am,
You kissed me goodnight,
Or,
Was it good morning?
At 4am,
I pulled my coat back on my shoulders,
And walked home alone
At 4am,
I was covered so no one could see me

At 10am,
I woke up thinking:
"wow"

Ever notice that thick and thin start with the same three letters?

.

My thoughts;
I forgot how to kiss, what do I do?
Then. . .
Bliss

People leave, people die.
That's the only sure thing in this world.

Maybe when my pieces come back together ill be stronger than before

Its just weird how one moment I can be happy its over and the next Im crying because it is

My sanity hurts

Someday I hope for my tears to turn gold
Then at least,
my face will be pretty

Pain just means you're alive

He and I were Cat and Mouse,
drawn together in a deadly embrace

It could be proven deadly to only one of us
in the end

We switched roles, he and I.
I could be a chasing Cat, he a fleeting Mouse
or,
I could be a weak Mouse, he a dangerous Cat

Being the Cat - that was power,
but it went to our heads

Being the Mouse - that was vulnerability,
we both gave in.

Eventually,
we both became the Cat,
chasing to no avail.

We, then,
both became the Mouse, and
we both fell.

Exausted from running

From a cat that wasn't even there.

How to describe something so normal yet strange - I don't know.
She laughs at everything,
even though her eyes tell a different story -
her eyes seem tired, relaxed-
but when she speaks, full of life, radiant,
somehow wanting more than the
situation
has to offer.
He quietly strokes her arm, and in the silence there is a wonderful peace that is spread across her face, a faint smile still stains her lips, but otherwise she is blissfully sleeping.
That is,
until his hand starts moving across her body,
to her other arm
her wrist
her hand
her hand
her stomach
her hand
her arm
her stomach.

In her state, a finger near a belly button is enough to set off the fireworks
that had been lit hours before,
in a fit of smoke,
ignited by the words, "another hit?"

This feels so pure, unlike anything I've felt before,
We haven't even kissed, but my body needs you more

You held my hand, and I couldn't help but smile,
I could do this for a while

I've never wanted to know this much
About a person I hardly even touch

Come to me,
Make me feel alive,
Your hands are the key

I've been called "******" so many times,
It seems to be written in the stretch marks of my thighs.

why should he deserve something that i worked so hard to have?
because life isnt fair
why should i be expected to just be ok with the fact that i participated more and yet he still gets the spot?
because life isnt fair
i spent 5 months perfecting my piece, spending full saturdays performing for strangers, while he did not, while he performed for one teacher once a-freaking-week, and yet im not enough?
because life isnt fair
i forgot;
im not gay
im not a guy
and im not a girl performing from a guys perspective
he is gay, a guy, and a guy performing from a girls perspective, though
much more likely to win with a piece like that
because no one wants to hear,
or rather, everyone has already heard
the white girl cry about how hard it is to be a girl
my bad, i forgot that life isnt fair
**whoops

I wonder
why we fear
the very thought of
Death

Shadows settle on the place, that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.
From the perfect start to the finish line.

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong.

We are the reckless,
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we'll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there.

And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.
We're setting fire to our insides for fun.
Collecting pictures from a flood that wrecked our home,
It was a flood that wrecked this home.

And you caused it,
And you caused it,
And you caused it

Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette,
I'm a lifeless face that you'll soon forget,
And my eyes are damp from the words you left,
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one,
'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun,
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I'm forever missing him.

And you caused it,
And you caused it,
And you caused it