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Hayley Apr 2018
We are mistakes
We are apologies
We are saying sorry when we don't mean it, we need it,
Someone else should say it for a change
We are “it's okay”
“Of course it's ok”
We are “My bad”
Creating excuses from the vibrant corners of our mind
The only parts that aren't dusty with misuse

We are dependent, if nothing else
We are unhappy if you're unhappy,
Our feelings are a bed of nails that only admit to being a bed,
Because of course as long as you're careful you won't get hurt.

Our ears are pressed to the carpet,
Listening to your every move,
Keeping a tally of missteps that
we won't ever tell you you took

We are quiet
Until prying our own chapped lips open,
we are apologetic,
We are every bottled up “I hate you”
And “go to hell”
And “*******” that we never got to say
And we keep it down, swallow it whole, refuse to breathe so it can't escape, be sure it can never escape
Because, like a moth flies towards the light, we are always flying towards resolution
Nevermind our feelings,
We will be ok,
Are you ok?
We're happy if you're happy, after all.

And then they come and sew our mouths shut,
Pat us on the head, so we know we are the ones at fault,
They say “shh” because our words are too sharp for their ears,
And god forbid they bleed instead of us
Isn't that the point of it all?
We are your shields and you can never be rid of us,
Like every hair on your body,
We stand up when fear takes over,
Like every shiver in cold,
We will attempt to bring you back to normal,
Like every single time the moon falls,
We will be back to shine in your darkness

We are underestimated
We are under acknowledged
Under viewed
Under appreciated
Under valued
But we know we are not unused or unloved

We are not understood either,
But understanding is an understatement when it comes to us

We are every moment you need a friend and
Every time a friend needs a moment
We are the impenetrable armor that everyone wish they had in their army
We are the gun, too
Loaded, but never fired
Saving ourselves for the right time
Hayley Jan 2018
My best friend doesnt understand and
that is the saddest thing I can think of.

I told her I want someone to tell me that my feelings are valid, that his feelings are valid, I don't want anyone to take my side anymore, I don't want anyone to tell me he's crazy, or he's an alcoholic, or that I'm in a "weird position".

Friends can't help but take their friends' side when in an argument with anyone, but I don't want sides anymore I just want confirmation that I'm not ******* crazy.

I just want to tell someone what's going on. Period. End of story. I just want someone to purely listen, don't say what they think they should, view it with an outsiders perspective, and don't try to change anything, don't try to understand because you don't, but just try to listen.

I just don't want to talk to someone in fear that they will try to intervene, that they will try to fix something. And for some reason I see that as a bad thing, and its because I don't want to make him mad. Because telling someone how I feel would be telling them that I'm scared when he's been drinking. And nothing good comes out of that.

I really think if he just stopped drinking we could be ok, but I don't know how to make that happen. I just want to be ******* happy again is that so much to ask?
Hayley Jan 2018
I thought it was gonna be good
i was wrong
Hayley Jan 2018
why should he deserve something that i worked so hard to have?
because life isnt fair
why should i be expected to just be ok with the fact that i participated more and yet he still gets the spot?
because life isnt fair
i spent 5 months perfecting my piece, spending full saturdays performing for strangers, while he did not, while he performed for one teacher once a-freaking-week, and yet im not enough?
because life isnt fair
i forgot;
im not gay
im not a guy
and im not a girl performing from a guys perspective
he is gay, a guy, and a guy performing from a girls perspective, though
much more likely to win with a piece like that
because no one wants to hear,
or rather, everyone has already heard
the white girl cry about how hard it is to be a girl
my bad, i forgot that life isnt fair
Hayley Jan 2018
It feels like for every good day there's enough bad in 1 hour to **** all the good out of my life.
Maybe if you'd just stop ******* smoking and drinking things might be ok, because we only ever have problems when you're not sober.
And you for some reason can't see that as the issue but ******* it really is and every time I hear you walk or laugh or say a single word while you're under the influence I cringe because I'm ******* scared you'll say anything to me and I'll go to bed
Crying again
Hayley Jan 2018
Paul texted me how disappointed he was in me at 7am
At 5am Milk texted me about how upset and betrayed he feels by me
I've just been laying in bed crying
all morning (oh my god its 1:26pm)
I'm hungry but also don't want to eat
at all
My head feels empty but also like its gonna explode
When I woke up I almost puked
My throat hurts from screaming and crying last night
I don't know what I want anyone to say
Hayley Nov 2017
1.  Ice falling into a glass
2. The opening of a diet coke can
3. Him stomping
4. Him sitting in the chair in the kitchen
5. Him coming close to my door
6. Him going to the bathroom outside my room
7. Loud music after 9pm
8. Him talking
9. Him screaming
10. Him laughing
11. Him breathing
12-infinity. Any association that reminds me of home 3 years ago

And this isnt to say hes an alcoholic its just to say that when he drinks I view him as the monster my mom made me think he was and although I know he's a good man I can't help but go right back to being scared in my room, hearing them yell at each other in the other room and you know I have never honestly said that I have been abused but I have been abused. Emotionally, psychologically. I love this man but he also scares me to death and that isn't fair. I'm going to model my parenting after everything my parents weren't and I can't wait to be a mom just to see my child be so much better off than I am.
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