It's difficult to recover
Since you can't really
Take a break
Because if you do
It's a chance to suffer
Again, from this debilitating fate
It feels like an ultimatum
Do or die
Fall or fly
When I simply wish to be
Somewhere safe in the middle
When I am tired of fighting
Or I'm tired of flying
I just want to lie still and float
I want to be embraced by the cotton sky
Or lay on a bed of waves
That rocks me so slow, it soothes me
When I want to do nothing and just be
My emotional baggage
Has transformed into wings
Large enough to soar
But when I fall it weighs in excess
So I fall and savour the moment
When I can finally rest in peace

Let me feel your pain
So I can love you better
Let me wipe your tears
We'll get through it together
Let me be there for you
I will be your shelter
Let me see your flaws
The more I will treasure
Let me understand you
You are worth the effort
Let me be the pen to your paper
The love in your letter

Because You are the sun in my sky
No matter the weather
The moon in my night
With you I am greater
With all the planets aligned
You are at the center
You, who outshines
All the brightest stars I've encountered
Even in the afterlife
I will continue to remember
The phases of you and I
That I will cherish forever

I can't change the way I was raised
But I can change what I believed
Though, it's like pulling away my skin
Because it was always a part of me
Shedding away the belief
That emotions are a burden
Don't tell them you feel this way
It's even worse when you're uncertain
Peeling away the belief
That people weren't meant to stay
If you depend on them more
They'll leave right away
Keep loved ones close
But only close to your walls
Don't let them see
What you've been through, at all
Peeling my skin like mutated armour
That slowly hardened and evolved
Only to expose my sensitive insides
That stings with each resolve

When you fall out of love for me
I hope to remain
A lingering presence
In the pages of your life
I hope to be reserved
As a chapter in your memories
Even if it is one
You'll always skim by
Or one you may never read again
I hope you'll reminisce
Your time with me
Even when you forget who I am
Because I'll never forget
How you held my hand each night
And took me wherever you went
When you fall out of love for me
And maybe find someone new
In the end, my heart is content
And I'll always be here for you

I find myself
Paranoid and uncertain
I fear that indulging in it
Would justify it being taken away from me
Like currency, I have to work for it
Constantly, to maintain it
Like a luxury, I am not use to it
I have learned to not be dependent
To not make others
My reasons for happinesss
Maybe, it wasn't meant for me
Or else, why would it leave?
To prove every flaw in my hopes
The unfamiliarity causes my body stress
I am use to the chaos of the waves
The stillness of land
Causes me more sickness
Abnormality is my sane
So it feels unsettling to rest
Like a child being held for the first time
After being separated for so long
You cannot simply expect
Them to feel safe
When all they ever felt
Was the absence of it

When a flower wilts
The flower isn't at fault
It is due to the lack of care

You give more love
Improve the surroundings
Why is it still dying there?

What more can you do
The flower is still not at fault
And neither are you to be fair

Its roots were rotten
Hidden death underneath
Life was too much to bear

A day full of reminiscence again
Sifting through the thoughts of you
Diving deep into my memories
That I still have yet to lose

Frustrated with myself again
Because I have the will to choose
Whether or not I free myself
And forge something anew

I bind myself in fingerless strings
I give past moments control over me
Dictating my time, stealing fragments of life
All from daydreaming of what used to be

It's okay to visit times from before
But my stay has been long overdue
Instead of just visiting, I move in and more
Wandering farther from the actual truth

Time and time again, I still think of you
The you, who keeps leading me astray
The character I've created and was left behind
To star in the memories I put on replay

Read their letters, every time you relapse
That is what they were written for
Read them with each occurring setback
To be thankful that you were born

Hug them, with your last bit of sanity intact
Emotion puddles all over the floor
Blurring words I desperately wanted to hear back
From people I so lovingly adored

Each attempt is like a new beginning for me
Commemorating the death of my past self
As I close the book to write a new page
Another memoir for life's bookshelf

It's easier to say I'm fine, just tired
As if my reply was a movie
Cutting out the details and generalizing
In a way, not giving the whole story
Read me to know more
Though it may be long and tedious
Only for the people who want more
Who will love me more serious
When I say I'm tired
I am tired of life
So when I become more distant
I'm just trying to survive

It is misleading to say
That I am trying my best
When I am actually trying
To prevent myself from getting worse
To prevent that state of being
When I can no longer stand
And sitting up becomes unbearably hard
When every part of me is at its lowest
And my mind has completely given up
I lie still waiting
For my physical being to die with me

My name is Hiro and yet I couldn't save you
If I hadn't picked up your hat
Maybe I would've caught up to you
I remember those flames
As if I've found hell on earth
Your disappearing silhouette continues to replay in my mind
As though foreshadowing you leaving from this lifetime
Just once I hated your caring nature
If you hadn't cared so much
You would still be here
I am blinded by regret
Over something I couldn't control
I was close to the flames but I felt so cold
As time went still
I froze where I was
My tears aching to be free
My cries wanting to mimic the explosion
Like those flames that took you away from me

A part of me still wishes to die
Maybe that part of me should
That part so attached to my demons alike
To rid myself of them; if only I could

Spiteful thoughts fester in the darkest corners
They tell me I am simply no-good
Isolate yourself, you'll be happier that way
You have lived long enough misunderstood

How loud is her voice, condescending and cruel
Yet, she raised me since childhood
Like a toxic love you cannot seem to part with
I still live for the day I would

The walls are built too high
Expecting me not to climb
But wherever the water flows
By instinct I go
To be with my own kind
Why is it I favour fish than people
And the sea more than the shore
Am I the only one who feels this way
For a moment, I want something more
The breeze in my hair is cold
Compared to the warmth from the sea
The waves feel more welcoming
Than the people who surround me
I take pieces of the sea home
And collect my hidden treasures
For if I could, I would
Live my life in my guilty pleasure
Because how can a home of many
Not be a home for me
Why live in fear and caution
Dear mother, when I could be happy?

My dear child, I have miss you
I've been far from you for too long
But call me and I will always run to you
We are connected with this song
Hear my heart through the rhythm
See my soul through the notes
Feel my love through the melody
For that is why I compose
I will live on through my words
That sing to you every night
You hear them in your heart, your dreams
Even if I'm not in sight
Try not to forget me
We will be reunited soon
Sing my song and I will stay
Forever alive within a tune

I don't allow myself to feel
The emotions I have for him
So my feelings for him stay
And continue to fester from within
The more I love
The more I deny
The more I see him
I continue to lie
Because the truth weighs so heavily
That it would burden us both
So I keep it all inside of me
Where he can never hold

I'm afraid to ask for the love
My parents couldn't give me
I was fed, bathe, sheltered
Emotional love was a luxury
I thought it was okay
Feelings weren't a priority
Until merely existing
Became a both already
If I asked more than minimum
It's a reason to leave me
So I keep all feelings inside
I'm afraid to be needy or clingy
I'm scared to ask for help
To people who aren't family
Even though blood relations
Couldn't keep them beside me
So now I try to reach out
But only when necessary
Because I still struggle to love
And allowing people to love me

Remind myself of my goals
My dreams, my wants and priorities
I want to be the girl I dream of
And see her become a reality
My weaknesses build my strengths
My past builds my future
Become the person I needed before
A place of understanding nurture
Be who I want to attract
Be my closest friends
Be an inspiration
This is not the end

I want to think
That my love had no chance
Or else I'll never stop wondering
I want to believe
You wouldn't ever fall for me
And we'd have nothing
But a pain filled ending
I want to see your eyes filled with her
Like I looked at yours so lovingly
So I can find nothing but pain in you
And find happiness elsewhere willingly

The feeling when I relapse
As though I have to start over again
Right back to the beginning
When I was so much closer to the end
Depression is like fighting a demon
That regenerates every time
Sometimes it takes longer
I start to think everything is fine
As I get stronger, it also gets stronger
But then I fail to catch up
So then when it gets stronger
Whatever I do doesn't seem enough
The demon then consumes me
So I submit to gather my strength
Through tears and mental perseverance
I escape to battle it again

Misery loves company
We love what is familiar
I find myself often going back
Falling down each time even further
Dark hours seem to consume my life
I find daylight hours to be scarier
No illusion for reality to hide behind
No darkness to act as a filter
Unfortunately, I see through lies
Making cliche words inferior
No amount of love has yet to find
A way to break in my exterior
I gravitate to like-minded kinds
Though my light keeps getting dimmer
As though my mind is frozen in time
Keeping me in an abandoned winter

Words I have longed to hear
Finally came to my ears
Yet my heart is no longer
In the same place
Nor same state, it has once been
Fate is cruel to position us
To yearn for one another
As if we were not born
In the same period of time
If I hadn't changed
Would you still love me the same
Or could you only have fallen
For the person I am now

Why am I called a funny girl?
When my humour is as dry
As the pages of a book
Or Gaston's flirtatious lies
Is it because people laugh
Before words even escape my mouth
That reading is ridiculous
How could such a woman be allowed?
To the characters in the stories
They do not laugh or judge me
They share my thirst for adventure
How I wish my life would be more lively
Every morning is a routine
That requires no risk to take
If I settle and rot in this tiny town
It would be my biggest mistake
My books are like tiny windows
In lives I wish to live
I just wanted something new for a change
Something more than this town can give

I never knew what true beauty was
Until I got to know her
Somehow she shines
Brighter than all my luxuries
While her voice
Sounds better than all the songs
I have heard before
They cannot compare to her beauty
Her purity and innocence
Her grace and intelligence
Her heart, full of kindness
How gently she caresses each page
Of a book she holds so dearly
How attentive she is
To all animals and objects
To dream that she would one day
Come to love me

It's hard to move on
When the issues are still prevalent
It always takes me back to the time
When it was worse and I was innocent
It is hard to forget
The screams and the conflict
And it is hard to ignore
What was ongoing and constant
So when you tell me to forget it all
It's in the past, let's start over
As though you asked me while drunk
It is pointless if you aren't sober
It is hard to forget
The heaviness in my chest
That keeps me grounded
And my mind constantly restless
When you ask me to forget
But didn't ask me to forgive
Do you think it's erasing my regret
For the life I was deprived to live?

Driven by animal instincts
Reminds me yet again
I can no longer daydream
I am no longer human
I forgot the different colours of the leaves
I cannot dream this nightmare away
I cannot see colour in darkness
In the moonlight, they all look the same
I can run faster, I can jump higher
Even then, I cannot escape
I am stuck in the world of the living
An endless, ageless fate
I belong on the other side
I naively hoped the afterlife was better
But dying was more peaceful than this
I didn't choose the path to forever

I walk on the same path
I turn at the same corner
Everyday feels the same
But the leaves still fall, then return
Just like how they came
I walk along the sidewalk
An empty gap remains
Half full of presence
And half full of reminisce
As I walk down a sidewalk meant for two

Most people would want to travel
To the ends of other worlds
But for me, I am merely fascinated
Of the universe inside this girl

The girl in the looking glass
She, who shares the same face
Such a multifaceted being
A rarity one cannot replace

For so long I have observed her
Yet, she surpasses my expertise
Facts about her turn into fables
She is an ever-changing entity

Observations become opinions
And conclusions are commentary
Assumptions are only illusions
For those who try to define me

There was a girl who loved to read
She would read the faces of other people
Those tiny, hidden, subtle expressions
That were passive but she was capable

She could read the voices of others
Those who aged within the pages
Who stayed immortal in written words
Immune to the outside life changes

She would read atmospheres and moods
In order to know what to portray
She became a character who was dependent
On what the readers wanted her to play

She treated each new encounter
Like a newly rewritten page
Good ones filled with laughter
Bad ones became a cage

Stuck between the same pages
Trapped under the same words
Desperately wanting to flip to the next
A new page or at least the next verse

She was imprisoned inside a book
That gathered dust and was rarely opened
Trapped inside a story that wasn't hers
Only made her feel more broken

She was irrelevant, a side character
In a world that was not written for her
She was only a minor character
Who would not be cared for if she died first

She was a reader, not a storyteller
Her mind consumed people's stories
Lost and confused on an unwritten path
Consumed more of her prematurely

New character roles and labels
Became etched into her skin
All of what was expected of her
To survive the story she was in

With every word written on her
Strayed further from who she was
Every dialogue from which she spoke
Only strengthened her facade

But everyone is a storyteller
Anyone who has a life
She ventured off from the narrative
And created her own story line

She twisted the story's plot
To carve in a new script
To tell the story that is her
In memory of a misfit

When I look into the small eyes of him
A piece of me sees you
An innocence that radiates
Back then I wish I knew

A mother's cry
And your first steps
I did not know why
Such a secret was kept

Or was I just blind
With eyes full of ignorance
With my childhood mind
That remained indifferent

Such a small fragile hand
Held such a familiar feeling
Paired with curious eyes
That were constantly seeking

How to perceive the world
Through an unfamiliar lens
Easily confused, not knowing
What was wrong again

Every time I look at him
It feels like a second try
To guide you from the beginning
With your small hand in mine

How many times did you decide
You have given up on this life
So many times you tried to hide
The growing darkness behind your eyes

It seems the burden only gets heavier
But your limbs still manage to to move
No matter how slow, from here, it gets better
With each step, is another for you to prove

Every time you fall, the wounds get deeper
Yet, each time you still get up
Remember you are your own keeper
Every part of you was and is still enough

The closer you get, the longer you exist
The more you are willing to lose
Even when the thoughts continue to persist
In the end, they're still waiting for you

My thoughts arranged in poems
My words spoken in song
Every movement I make
Falls with such grace
Following the rhythm of a tune
I paint my face like a blank canvas
With colours unnatural to me
I sort them in shapes and patterns
Distinct and differently
I pick a character to play
I will be her today
Then return to being me tonight
I am a work of art
A work in progress
A creatively driven sight

Gradually, I am learning
I do not need a big dream
One giant life purpose
A central focus or theme
I can have a collection
Of many tiny dreams
A series of them
Each giving my life meaning
Simple small dreams
Only catered to me
Like painting in a field
Or playing guitar on the beach
Someday I want to write
Words that inspire others
Spilt on to pages
To give to one another
Words that can create homes
In people's minds and hearts
Full of emotion and inspiration
To always encourage a new start
If my tiny dreams keeps me going
One after the other
Just so I can keep on living
And not see it as such a bother
I like to paint and sing
Dance and read
I want to help others
And see myself succeed
I don't want the pressure
Of choosing just one thing
When there is so much I can do
To make life worth living

I can't help feeling confused and lost
Not knowing what to chase
I didn't think that far in life
Didn't fathom what I could face
That my fate continued after high school
Graduation wasn't the end of me
I am still alive and surviving
Yet still chasing the idea of being free
I often feel conflicted
Of choosing which path to take
What I want or what is expected of me
I'm still trying to differentiate

Her heart was like a child
Viewing partners like parental figures
When they left, she couldn't help but think
That the problem was always her
Her heart clings to them like a child
She craves comfort and stability
So how do you convince a child
To simply let them go so willingly
Her heart became a homeless child
Unable to settle and find refuge
Because if she loved, she came to know
It would be another thing she'd have to lose
Her heart grew into an adult
Who became independent but alone
She no longer felt the need to love
It was too late to compensate or atone

A good man with good looks
Looks too good to be true
With an ambition as big as his muscles
Assuming he would have a big ego too
I have loved and I have learned
No man is worth the pain
Because I chose to take his place
He left me with nothing to gain
Love drew me in so tragically
Blinded me with infatuation
Then stabbed me where I'm vulnerable
All because of some fatal attraction
So how do you expect me to admit
What led me to despair?
I will not fall in love again, I quit!
When has love ever been fair?

When my heart cannot listen to reason
My mind thinks logically
It treats my heart as if it's a stranger
Not invested in its story
My mind comes to a consensus
Without my heart's consent
To finally get over you
Whatever its discontent

My heart wants to go in many directions
Unable to choose a path to take
Endless possibilities and personas
Each piece of me wanting to separate
I want to master each craft
Yet be the jack of all trades
But how can I, when I am born
With mortal's time until decay
Each passion in me burns so bright
There is no obvious lit way
I am unable to choose which path to pursue
A confusing conflict that ensues each day
My heart wants to explore each one
But I am only born with one heart to play
Can anyone understand this yearning
And burdensome feeling I try to convey
How spoiled am I to be burden with choices
Picking one should be mere child's play
Yet when I do I'm still not satisfied
I want to do more to my dismay
If I could, I would break my heart
So each piece could have their way
To fulfill their inner purpose
To live how they were made

Everyday I see the train
Inviting locals and foreigners
Smiles exchanged with deep talks
Feelings deepened between passengers

Where does the train go?
Where do the tracks end?
Everyday the train comes
Only to pass by me again

Fed up with my curiosity
I take one step aboard
I want my questions answered
Before I dare ask for more

I take in all the answers
By exploring every corner
As I look for somewhere vacant
I become even more unsure

My eyes locked in to another pair
As if they have found a home
Reconnecting to a piece of me
Deciphering what was unknown

I sit down across from him
He holds a familiar smile
We exchange some playful banter
So I agreed to stay awhile

I found my heart inching closer
I look down before I fall
If falling meant I could be with him
I didn't mind risking it all

Only to realize it was just me
Falling harder along the tracks
I looked at him with possibilities
Getting only half of my feelings back

I didn't know he had a stop in mind
Or maybe I was too blind to see
That loving look I adored in his eyes
Was from thinking of her and not me

His stop was coming up soon
And our time was running out
How do I persuade him to stay
Holding on to what I just found

My hesitation grew with every step
The closer he got to the door
Delaying our goodbyes just a bit
Hoping he had felt something more

The train moved on unlike me
As I stare at the empty space
Wondering of all the what ifs
What if I had asked him to wait?

I feel the train go higher
No longer depending on the tracks
I try to make up for what I saw in him
He was a reflection of what I lacked

My uncertainty about him
Made me certain of something else
Losing him did not lose me
Or take away what I had felt

So I sit on another side of the train
Causing my mind to shift
Wherever this train will take me
I am sure I'll make the most of it

Sometimes I feel hollow and empty
The beating sensation of my heart
Is but a rattling noise in my chest
Nothing to keep it still
Nothing to keep it in place
Strings of the heart
Torn and severed
Tangled within its own
My heart lies in a pile
Of strings untied

I tried to control the chaotic ocean
By knowing the mind behind the waves
I thought the sea could reside within my grasp
If only I knew how the waters behaved

Water resembles so much of life
And I could not help but drown in it
The tides move faster than I can swim
More than I am willing to commit

I need space and time to breathe
And like life, the waters won't wait
Constantly, flowing like a river
Life pulls me along by my fate

To survive, you have to swim
Trying anything to keep afloat
Life won't stop because you do
It will grab you by the throat

Then throw you into its depths
Where you can finally rest
Feel the stillness you never had
After all, you had given your best

But before you touch the bottom
Where heaven's light cannot reach
Remember all of your past struggles
And ask, what was it trying to teach?

Resting and quitting are not the same
You're only finished in the moment
Pull yourself back and take a break
Then simply readjust your focus

The only thing you can control
In this chaotic span of life
Is yourself alone in its entirety
Cater yourself to what you strive

She realized she was like a novel
Born in a world that didn't care to read
So she started to hate herself
Like a truth amongst lies perceived
She was like the hard truth
Based on a grimm story
Living amongst fake lies
Shallow and sweet with a happy ending
Surrounded by people
Who only read summaries
Who couldn't dive deep enough
To read her full story
So she waits for a person
With a long enough attention span
A fated reader, with depth similar to her
Who can read as much as she can

Take care of yourself
Take a walk outside
Reach out to loved ones
Don't forget to exercise
It's okay to have feelings
Don't keep them inside
Even all the bad ones
Like how you want to die
They're valid, acknowledge them
Even if it makes you cry
For the longest time you held them
Let them go, cut the ties
When you're struggling, it's okay
Say what's true and not lies
Some people won't understand
But there are some who can empathize
Life will hit you hard
It feels more difficult at times
But look forward to the ups
Because without the downs, you'd have a flat line

Her hair, the colour of the sky
When the sun says goodbye
That falls like sheer silk
And flows so easily
Like dandelion seeds
Her eyes, so round and curious
Filled with the absence of vice
That crinkle oh so shyly
How could she be so blind
I yearn to clean her mirrors
Her glasses and perception
How could she not see
How she keeps my attention
Her childlike qualities
That keep her youthfulness bright
Her smile, her laugh, her empathy
The way she falls sometimes
I fell for her, and still falling
The more I get to know her
The more I know, The more I love
And for that I couldn't be more sure

I tore my heart out
Though I can still feel how it beats
I wanted to feel no more pain
As I lie still in defeat
To no longer feel good or bad
Was painlessness really worth it?
To no longer feel happy or sad
I don’t know if it’s really a merit
I try to put my heart back in
But my body no longer accepts
My body is cold, heartless
It sees it as a foreign object
My body fights to live
When my mind has given up
It threw away my heart
Without pain you cannot love

How odd when she cries
Her face doesn't move
Tears spilt from her eyes
They are the only proof
Of her feelings inside
How does she sooth
The sadness she hides
That distort her truth
How much has she cried
That she's no longer in tune
With her emotions, pushed aside
She had given up to pursue
When she's dying inside
There is no grimace to prove
On her face, in her eyes
Her smile holds no truth

In every silent moment
With every passing day
Allow me to reassure you
I will be here for you, always

Whether you choose to be alone
Or love another someday
Know that I'll still love you
I will take care of you anyway

But know that love has two sides
Where we must meet halfway
Let me in to accept my love
For you, I am here to stay

When I hear every new heartbreak
I trust love a little less
In attempts to save myself
From all the emotional stress

But love without passion
Is not love at its best
Though I am scared to love at all
Only to be broken like the rest

From what my eyes have seen
True love has to be intense
Full of tears and excruciating pain
Crying over something so complex

After every unrequited heartbreak
My mind still fails to address
Why after every heartache
My heart bleeds in protest

Because after every love
There is more that I suppress
In order to protect myself
Based on an unfortunate guess

I hear so often
When you say you want to die
Think of everyone else
How much they would grieve and cry
When you're gone
Everyone focuses on the pain you left behind
The pain left in the hearts
Of the closest people in mind
But do they stop and think
About the pain you've endured
When they tell you to keep living
As if for them and not you, it's absurd
When I say I want to die
I want the pain to end
I don't know how to adjust normally
I'm still learning how to fit in
When I tell you I want to die
Please don't tell me this
Just think of everyone else
How much of you they would miss
Because I thought of them already
It just adds on more guilt
More self-blame, self-hatred
Have you ever asked how I felt?

I wonder if you will ever feel
The pain I felt to unlove you
Slowly pulling you away from my thoughts
Taking out the images of you from my memories

Erasing your voice from my ears
Your name off my tongue
Do you know how hard it was
To pull you out from my senses
Only for you to return in my sleep

I feel a heaviness in my heart
A clutching feeling in my stomach
It is almost over now
Just don't invade my senses again
When it was so hard to make them forget

The weight of waiting increases
As every single year goes by
The amount of patience I carry
Is numbing me more inside

Let the storm pass, just be patient
As if I have all this time
In this world I watch it turn
As I keep waiting in my life

Just wait and see what happens
If you hold on to your belief
But I no longer have the patience
To wait until I am complete

When I see the signs and red lights
In the end will I be relieved?
From standing at the sidelines
Instead of addressing what I need

I no longer want to wait
For a better day to arrive
For all the perfect conditions
For a better chance to thrive

Or wait for someone else to give me
Their permission to be alive
To control my own life choices
And everything else I was deprived

My patience has become a trait
That has been engraved in stone
Watching opportunities leave
Only waiting for what is known

I want to let go of all this weight
That I had cultivated on my own
I chose to wait for too many years
Thinking it was a better way to go