I use to see home like a prison
A place that chained down my soul
Times have changed, I have progressed
Here, I realized I have the most control
I use to see my room as a place
Where I was trapped within 4 walls
But now it is a sanctuary, a refuge
A place where I'm almost free from it all
I wanted to get to know the world and its people
And I still haven't seen it all
Though now I see my home as somewhere
A place I can heal every time I fall

I understand now
Why unrequited love is so hard to get over
It is resilient
It doesn't need much to grow
Nor does it need much to love
It can be torn apart, played with and experimented
But underneath the cuts and scars
There is still love
How do you break a love so stubborn?

Sometimes I want to be lost and forgotten
To be free to roam and wander
No responsibility attached
No obligation left behind
To be erased from all the memories I reside in
From all the hearts I took refuge in
I have this innate, uncompromising selfish desire
To be free, from everything

I wish I could go back to the time
When you were alone, afraid and confused
When things weren't alright at home
When you had no one else to turn to
I want to tell you it's okay
It's okay to not be alright
You may feel misunderstood and out of place
Like the darkness behind the light
You'll meet some great people
You'll make good memories
Even if it's not okay now
Believe me, it will be
You deserve the love you needed
Even if you didn't get it at all
Hold on tight and fight for it
Don't just give up and fall
You will use your pain as armour
And protect people like you
Your failures are your victories
Because you always seem to come through
Every time you get back up
Count that as a victory
The pain didn't stop you
You will become a better me

Lived long, misunderstood
I search for understanding in excess
To compensate, what has come so late
To drive me out of my sadness
I appreciate those who listen
Those who seek to understand
I worried being unrelatable
Would distance me more from them
Because how can you love
Something you don't understand
How can you accept
Something less than human
Sometimes I don't understand myself
So I don't expect for you to try
Though I wish for someone to decipher me
Who knows me better than I

Suicidal thoughts and suicidal callings
A part of me urges to pick up the phone
It keeps ringing, with sound stinging inside my head
Becomes ear-piercing when I'm alone

Frequent missed calls that I intentionally miss
Why do I keep putting even more distance
I'm so tired, exhausted from all the resistance
It seems fatigue is the only thing that's constant

I dial and then leave the phone hanging
I lack courage to go through with the call
I dial, frantically pressing all the numbers
The longer the number, the more I stall

The phone rings from the other side
But I hear my own voice instead
She says, it's going to be alright
With a click, the call ends

More understanding and acceptance
Be understanding and accept it
If all I do is understand and accept
What is there to be mad about
What is there to hate
If there is no reason to justify it
How can I indulge in these basic human emotions
When logic and reasoning
Command my heart
All this pent up rage
With no outlet to rid of it
I fear that someday
It will turn into animalistic madness
Because you didn't allow me to feel
As if I had to ask permission
To be upset yet every time I ask
Just understand and accept it
How high I've built my tolerance
It is impenetrable
How difficult it is to shake me
And how strenous it is
For my feelings to escape
Every barrier they break through
Each time, they deteriorate
Barely making it to the surface
Only decades old emotions
Are strong enough to make it through
Lifelong sadness and anger
That will take centuries to sooth

High above in the clock tower
Was a child who misbehaved
Father time grew impatient
She was too difficult to persuade

For she was raised with no limits
Adopting such a life unafraid
Strolling into the timekeeper's tower
Assuming there was no price to be paid

The clock's hands restrained her
Every tic was a step she couldn't take
She was bounded by time by the hour
Creating yet another clockwork slave

The clock's hands became her cuffs
Its numbers turned all the same
To be used as the metal bars
For the finishing touches of her cage

Tamed by routines and muted by alarms
Wondering how long she had left to stay
In this fragile world that was so reliant
To act only upon the specific time of day

She missed her colourful beginnings
Free from a life that continued to age
Time stood still while she wandered
To wherever her heart was swayed

Seconds would turn into hours
Of aimless mere child's play
Were moments she took for granted
And memories she had misplaced

One day she took time into her hands
She reversed the roles to his dismay
Father time's parental grip on her
Could no longer be sustained

For she was a timeless artist
Who could not stay restrained
Whose artwork cannot be lost
In the past or the present day

Her poetic words reside in the minds
Passing generations everyday
Painting moments to only those
Who allow their hearts to give way

She became immortal through her legacy
On the path that she had paved
Making home in the artistic thoughts
Of every artist that was led astray

Why do we fear the dark
Because there is so much it hides
All your fears, unwanted thoughts
All the emotions you despise
Darkness is the endless unknown
You can never explore it all
Maybe that's why when we try
It's much easier to simply fall
Because what point is it to find
A direction in a dark place
No matter where you go
You'll still end up in a defiant space
Where darkness engulfs you
If you end up losing your light
You'll wander and wonder endlessly
Because you have yet lack the sight
Why is it in darkness
We see nothing yet we assume
That demons hide and try to find
Our weaknesses to consume
I wonder why we fear
The lack of, that is nothing
We put our own interpretations
And now we fear that something

What a tiny nuisance is she
She, who is confined inside my cage
Her mischievous whispers echo
While she clutches my heart again

She plays upon my lungs
Pressing all of the black keys
Passionately like a pianist
Making it difficult to breathe

She giggles oh so playfully
As I wince from my chest pain
She mocks me with excitement
As though we are playing a game

How imaginative and innovative
Constantly spewing out new stories
Creating story plots out of broken pieces
She is the writer of my worries

As a copy, I find it difficult
To the chase such expectations
Every action is closely dictated
To mimic the original's intentions

Limiting precision and accuracy
Leaves no freedom of expression
I am only an embodiment
Of some product imitation

Every movement I call my own
Only causes more frustration
Because it strays from what is known
Like a phrase lost in translation

What if I was the original?
No longer seen as a mutation
To be the focus and not forgotten
To be the object of admiration

But I am merely just a shadow
A silhouette born into submission
Lost in darkness, behind the light
Cursed with a muted motivation

Sometimes beauty can be so simple
No glitter nor magic in finer details
Something authentic and raw, like crystal
You can be as you are, simply beautiful

Your definition of beauty bares no need
For fancy words or deeper meanings
I have found that my definition of beauty
More than a definition, it is but a feeling

I look at the cloud cluttered filled sky
It brings me the sweet sound of rain
Then it turns into a star speckled night
I feel a sense of beauty again

I hear the smooth rhythm of an upbeat song
With lyrical play bounded to the music
Then another piece plays only on rhythmic sound
A calm, soothing, soul touching acoustic

I find myself gravitating to beautiful things
Things that flourish within their elements
Beauty to me, is not only what shines or sings
But a story told through genuine sentiment

I thought one life out of millions
Was simply irrelevant to most
What significance does one life make?
In this case, only God knows

The sun shines over humanity
Another shadow with every person
With darkness only accumulating
It'd be brighter with one less human

But I realized that the world
Can be so cruel and horrid
That is why hope amongst the dark
Makes the smallest light important

If the world turned into eternal night
And every person became a star
Each person would make the world brighter
Including you just as you are

I've tried finding love once
And it broke me
I've tried finding love again
And it broke me some more
So don't expect me
To find love to fix me
When I am broken
Only for it to leave again
And break me some more

He saw her and her wild heart
And thought to tame it like a beast
But she was just a free spirit dancing
Above the waters and the fallen leaves

To tame her would take away her magic
Her enchanting movements would begin to cease
For everything he fell in love with
Would be everything he nor her could keep

Like a butterfly with her wings pinned down
Was like a mouth that could not feed
His promises was full of lovesick bounds
Served him more than he could foresee

For he yearned to keep her in a glass house
To forever contain that natural beauty
Under the finest glass positioned on the wall
Under the premise that it was for her safety

He could not see the forest as her home
He could not fathom her need to be free
To live under a limitless sky
And tread on a never-ending stream

So she hides behind the branches
And fades away gracefully unseen
For he fell in love with a fairytale myth
He only loved what could have been

I don't want to live an inevitable life
Grazing my hand along the borders
Inside the box of my comfort zone
Under perceived superior orders

I was given a voice with wings to fly
Yet, I hover underneath a lid
Of expectation and norms
I used to believe in such a myth

I'm not good enough and never will be
I became susceptible to that truth
But it was only a different opinion
From someone who wasn't my muse

Creative artistic expression
Sparks the fire behind my eyes
A flame that burns at the core of me
With those who try to dim my light

They try to put me out with lies
Until I become ashes and doubts
Be practical and realistic, they say
I asked, is being myself not allowed?

I let those voices get to me
Residing in my heart's cracks
They were the first to break me
From spewing unwanted facts

What is fact and what is fictional?
As though you decide my fate
My dreams only happen inside me
And stayed there as I grabbed the bait

I should want that mundane future
A tried and true pre-written path
In order to support the ones I love
I play a character so miscast

Because to live that kind of life
I neglect what I want the most
To endlessly create, knowing I'm free
Without the limits I grew up to know

My love encapsulated
Fragmented into words
How do I send more than my thoughts?
To make it known that you are heard?

You say your worries to me
All through lyrical terms
I will keep singing your melody
To remind you what you deserve

So let us sing your song again
Erasing your pain with every verse
In every silent moment beyond
Please put yourself first

In those quiet instances
I know how it can get worse
How silence can be deadly
When pain becomes your worth

Yet, in those still moments
I am given the most to learn
Of self love and all its intricacies
And why it is the hardest love to earn

In every silent moment
With every passing day
Allow me to reassure you
I will be here for you, always

Whether you choose to be alone
Or love another someday
Know that I'll still love you
I will take care of you anyway

But know that love has two sides
Where we must meet halfway
Let me in to accept my love
For you, I am here to stay

My mind feels okay right now
Like a field with a calming breeze
As I look at my depression now
Like it's a separate entity
As if I couldn't understand myself before
I look at it in disbelief
Just try harder even when you're tired
Look at what my mind can achieve
But I mustn't forget the hardships
When my relapses arise
Because I am actually fighting harder
On those days my mind wants to die
I must not take this peace for granted
For only now I have won the war
It is an internal eternal conflict
For life, my life, is worth fighting for

I love to create
To call something my own
As if something innate
That I've continued to grow
Based simply on my thoughts
And surrounding interpretations
Polished with my passion
And by my own expectations
As though I am a mother
That continues to birth
Child after another
Growing with each verse
My love continues to grow
With each poem that I write
I hope to never run out of words
To keep this passion alive

I find it hard to sleep at night
As the emptiness settles in
How can I trust the silence?
So I let the night shift begin

Another round of the dark hours
Another night where I cannot sleep
Until another day has begun
Only then I can rest in peace

I move about to ease my mind
Like treading in deep waters
For if I lie still in my bed
It's like a prey waiting to be slaughtered

The quietness and the nighttime noises
Makes it easier to breed
Offsprings of fears and faint concerns
Raising more inner demons to feed

My thoughts frantically run in circles
To fulfill the need to escape
Like an untamed pet in denial
It tries anything just to feel safe

I breathe deeply to calm my nerves
But it turns into gasps for air
Like being thrown into a relentless sea
My lungs fight back unprepared

As the sun rays peek into my room
And the birds chirp amidst their wake
Loosening my once tensed limbs
My fighting stance begins to break

My racing thoughts that run
On the nightly adrenaline
Slows down with the relief
That it is finally morning again

I no longer drown in my thoughts
From the high nocturnal waves
Of every repressed emotion
That resides in my internal caves

To my depression
Why do you associate death with freedom?
Because life tends to suffocate me
It doesn't have to be that way though
You can make life more lively
Then break my mental cages and chains
That weighs on my soul so heavily
I cannot, only you can
Why is that?
Because you have made the locks that burden you
So only you can make the key

It's hard for me to ask for advice
Because you don't live in my head
You can only advise from what you hear
To the extent of what I said
So how can I expect an answer
When you don't fully understand
The question that I'm asking you
Is more difficult to comprehend
I don't blame if you don't know
Because you really don't
Though I don't know either
To ask a second time, I won't

I like to explore books untouched
Every page is like taking another step
Every chapter is like completing a mile stone
Building a world I don't know yet
The author is my tour guide
Their words build my map
I create distinct images
New locations and people overlap
I meet new characters
I become someone different
Immersing myself in paper adventures
Makes reading much more intimate

My depression's logic is distorted
Still enough to persuade me
I have no future, just my past
End it all, so it can spare me
It passes by all the compliments
No matter how many
Only emphasizes the bad
I shouldn't give in to the negativity
I try not to, thought it's hard to
It drains so much of my energy
When I'm trapped to my bed
Tortured with my past until I'm empty

The first time I fell for you
All the love songs made sense
My feelings expressed in the lyrics
My love expressed with someone else's words
Your image comes to mind every time
Strengthened by its soundtrack
My illusion grows stronger
As it latches on to a song
That song has become yours
I sing to it
Hoping you would listen
So you could sing along
We would make perfect harmony
But it wasn't your genre
Now I listen to them
Again, they are just songs
Someone else's words
No longer hold my feelings

I'm afraid to ask for more
Just in case you might leave
I find myself often unattached
So I wouldn't lose more pieces of me
I anticipated you would leave
More than you would stay
It's a belief instilled in me
That sadly won't go away
It's hard to trust people
When I trust them to leave
It is hard to depend on them
When I expect to be deceived
The love that I am used to
Doesn't seem like love at all
It feels like something you lose to
Something encased within my walls

When the heartstrings have severed
I trust romance a little less
In attempts to save myself
From more emotional stress

Though love without the flame
Cannot be love at its best
But I am scared that I'll burn out
And be broken like the rest

Emotionless and tired eyes see
That true love can be intense
Full of tears and excruciating pain
Crying over something so complex

After every fresh new heartbreak
My heart still fails to address
Why after every heartache
My mind bleeds in protest

Because after every broken love
There is more that I suppress
In order to protect myself
I just love a little less

It's so odd how families end up
When there is money involved
The pain runs deeper than any debt
And is much harder to resolve
You realize family is just a word
And blood is just a vital fluid
It's not vital to keep them close to you
If in your family, you feel excluded
Because I grew up knowing family
With much associations of pain
If you asked what family meant to me
It feels like a ball and a chain
I can't help but think of family
As a social obligation
To stick with those who **** you dry
Playing on good intentions

Your anxiety, I want to meet her
I want to get to know her just as well
Why she hurts you and says those things
Why she created your own personal hell
Why she shakes your vision and distorts it
So all you see is lies
Why she hides you from all comfort
But exposes insecurities you despised
I want to understand her
Why she fights so hard to be known
She wants someone to acknowledge her
You don't have to fight her alone
When she shakes your heart
So much your mind feels dizzy
I am here for you and her
You just have to call out to me

Cry when your feelings
Are still fresh and pure
Holding them inside
Only taints the waters
The negative feelings
Manifest in tears unshed
If they are not free to fall
They are free to form instead
Into ice, building a shield of frost
To preserve feelings unexpressed
Until there is time to thaw
Or the ice shards will pierce through you
Breaking through your human walls
Aching to be acknowledged
Finding any way out
Through the pains of the body
Or outbursts of the mind
Unsaid feelings will have their say
As if they are an ocean
Contained in a tank  
You cannot keep the tide from coming

There was a child born of colour
Which flowed through her veins
And blossomed on her cheeks
Like the spring flowers of May

Colour concentrated on her lips
Her hair flows with a darker shade
A slight stain on her fingertips
And tinted freckles across her face

The way her eyes twinkled
Whenever she was amazed
Carrying her curious vision
She explored God's domain

How the sky changes colour
Like seasoned autumn leaves
The heavens astounded her the most
With all the gifts she had received

For the sky that gave her rainbows
Have given her diamonds in the night
When all has turned so tired and dark
She lies under the moonlit sight

When the sun peeks out in the morning
Or when it mischievously sneaks away
Behind the cluttered clouds, it hides
Before the storm brings forth the rain

Like a game of hide and seek
Mother nature likes to play
The child knowingly played along
Because the sun would come again

She was a child so fascinated
In all of the natural pigments
As if it was nature's way of saying
That her view controlled her limits

The range of hues and gradients
That she had found within the sky
The intensity and the variety
Of Mother nature's complex design

Embraced by the scenery around her
The child who was born undefined
As she brought the world a new hue
She was a beautiful colour unrefined

Tick tock goes the clock
Like the beating sound of your heart
With two hands I cannot hold
In a love I cannot take part
Tick tock goes the clock
Another moment passes
How I wish time would stop
So I could have more chances
Tick tock goes the clock
Another moment is gone
Will time ever side with me
Or do I simply move on

You are one of those people
Who loves my company
Though, when it comes to my different sides
You couldn't love all of me
How can you say you understand
When you neglect my inner demons
If you are ashamed of them, you are ashamed of me
They are a part of me from deep within
How can you understand me
When you only care what is easy to know
That you do not dare solve the puzzles
Of the complexities of my soul
So when you say you love me
I cannot believe in such a lie
Because my dark layers were too deep for you
And you didn't even try

Humans are sociable creatures
Sometimes I don't feel human
I have more emotional connections
With objects than with people
Maybe that is the reason why
I can let go of people so easily
And yet can't let go of something for so long
I'm not scared of being alone
I am scared of wanting to be
I should yearn for human connection
But sometimes it just feels
Like a social obligation
If I'm not human
What am I?

When the heartstrings have severed
I trust romance a little less
In attempts to save myself
From more emotional stress

Though love without the flame
Cannot be love at its best
But I am scared to burn out
And be broken like the rest

Emotionless and tired eyes see
That true love can be intense
Full of tears and excruciating pain
Crying over something so complex

After every fresh new heartbreak
My heart still fails to address
Why after every heartache
My mind bleeds in protest

Because after every broken love
There is more that I suppress
In order to protect myself
I just love a little less