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Brigette Beck Mar 2016
I'd give anything to read how an author describes me.
An author writes his characters as a wonder, a shining beacon of light, almost inhuman.
Really these characters - brave, smart, kind - are just like us.
Just like me.
So I want to know:
Am I brave?
Am I kind?
Am I smart?
Am I passive or active?
Am I intriguing or impressive?
Inspiring or insightful?
Amazing or attractive?
Strong or beautiful?
You know all these words.
You read all these words.
How an author writes his characters
With adjectives that seem inhumanly possible to describe anyone on this earth
Especially yourself.
But they could be used to describe you
And you just don't know it
That's why I'd give anything to read an author's description of me.
I need to know.
What adjectives paint the picture of me?
I think about this way more than I should, but I need to know who I am. Some description like this would help immensely in figuring it out. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I do. All the time.
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
All the pieces lie where they fell, yours and            
mine. I want to line those pieces up                                              
and keep the promises I made.
We need to start our journey.
And who knows? That may not
be so hard. Maybe
it’s already
begun. But
if not,
then
we
will go
together.
And don’t forget,
wherever you go,
I am always with you,
and I am thinking of you,
wherever you are. Because we
were once waiting for our birth by sleep,
when the world was like watching a dream that
we couldn’t wake up from. That scattered dream
was like a far off memory of
who we were. And in you and I,
there was a new land. But we
departed from that land,
and we started a
whole new journey
with friendship
to guide
us.
And
now I
step forward
to realize
this: our hearts have touched.
And the heart may be weak,
and sometimes it may give in,
but there’s a light that won’t go out.
And the darkness will not touch my heart
because of you, your light in the darkness.
You’ll be in my heart, and when the time comes
when we must go our separate ways,
our hearts will still be connected.
Whatever happens, we will
always be together
because of the bond
you and I have
always had
and will
share.
So this is kind of long, but it's an extended version of a poem that was published somewhere else. It was written about a year ago, but it's still one of my favorites.
Brigette Beck Oct 2016
Words run through my veins
         Freed by the cold sting of a pen.
     Flowing over my arm in stanzas and rhymes,
                 I relish the feeling
                          Of poetry running under the pen.
      So many times I cut the words free
  Until I have a song
               Falling in crimson drops from my body,
And I can again contain the words
                                       I hold in my blood.
     But my body replenishes the words,
                               And I must again free them.
        The pen cuts through my veins
                     Spilling the sonnets and the ballads,
And I do this again and again,
                   Until just once the pen goes too deep.       The words flow too swiftly to make a poem
   And I lose the would-be poems that made me.
                     I release the poetry in my veins,             And as they desperately try to revive me,
                                        I slowly fade out.

       My words were my strength
                                          and my downfall.
Brigette Beck Mar 2016
Life is whipping around me
And changing everything I know
When the wind stops howling, all I see
Is wreckage from what was long ago.

Emotions are ripping through my mind
My common sense has gone
Sorry is the only word I can find
When I can't feel the urge to carry on

Who I will be when I awake
I can never really tell
Who I was before leaves an ache
Reminds me of how I fell.

Fell from grace, fell from light
Fell from everything good in the world
I've been swallowed by the dark of night
And that's how my life has unfurled.

Everything is changing
Now nothing is stable or clear
My life is completely rearranging
And my death feels very near.
Brigette Beck Mar 2016
We thought we were going somewhere
making progress,
but really the only place we were going
was our inevitable destruction.
The farther we go,
the more we destroy ourselves.
The more we know,
the closer we come to a destruction.
Driving forward,
Forward
Forward
Till we reach the end of the line
The end of the road
And then there's nothing
Nothing left to do
Nowhere left to go
This road has led us to the edge of the world
Where it collapses
Leaving us nowhere to run
Except to the edge
To our misery
And our destruction.
Happy Easter!
Brigette Beck Jun 2016
To
watch the
world from a
prison of blurred
dreams is a torment
beyond any other.
Swirling images, free
from reality, distorting
any perception one may have had.
Mind, body and soul stripped away from all.
Brigette Beck Sep 2016
Falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Wind
and fire
and rain.
Through closed eyes
I see all.
Falling through darkness
Into the abyss
Falling headfirst
An eternity of waiting
And falling.
Through the very threads of time
I fall
Watching the hours tick by
And the seasons rewind
And the horrors of the past reopen.
With eyes closed
I fall through darkness.
Opening them,
The fire,
the wind
the rain
is gone.
Only the heart is left
Fractured
Broken
And bright.
Falling
I shatter the heart.
Brigette Beck Jun 2016
You always said I had
sapphires in my eyes.
But I never said anything back
Because yours were my demise
I was speechless, intrigued
By what I had beheld
Everything in your beautiful eyes
Was unparalleled.
No words hold enough power
To describe everything I saw
Their green was bright, hopeful
The kind that left you in awe.
Like the forest after a storm
Shining brilliant and new
But also a passionate, churning sea
Reflecting everything in you
Hopes for the future
Memories of the past
The essence of who you are
I can start to find at last
The beauty of you is apparent
Looking at your eyes, anyone could see
But to think that of all the people that have seen them
Your eyes see a future with me
Brigette Beck May 2016
I love you beyond belief
And maybe I'm going too fast,
Telling you this,
But I love you.
I'd do so much for you
And it breaks my heart
To see you hurting.
:)
Brigette Beck May 2016
I know I said I wasn't ready.
I know I said I was scared
but I love you more than anything.
More than anything for which I ever cared.
You love me, I know it's true
and for what it's worth, I love you too.
I'm sorry I can't make up my mind.
I'm sorry I left common sense behind
But I can't think of another life
Without you, the pain and the strife.
Everything that I wanted came with pain
When I found you, but it's all the same.
I need you in my life
And I never want you to go away
I love you more than you know
And I'd give anything for you to stay.
Two Hamilton references thrown in there :)
Brigette Beck Jan 2017
To you, the partner of my heart and mind:
I know you're broken far beyond repair
You don't have faith in the life you've designed
And you've lost all hope, fallen in despair.
I understand you more than you admit
I've seen some of the deepest parts of you.
Your light is playing games, its glow outwits
And plays, and it’s the reason you withdrew.
It's always there, it was there from the start
I can see it now, shining bright as day.
If you could only see what's in your heart
Then you would know why I will always stay.
I love you, every flaw and every scar.
And I believe in you and all you are.
How
Brigette Beck May 2016
How
Broken promises
Fragmented vows
Falsely promising security
and leaving one wondering how.
How did we have hope?
How did it come to this?
How did our expectations peak
When we've always known the world is amiss?
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
There comes a time,
A moment
When you fall back
And realize
That you've changed.
You realize that you're
Different from who you used to be.
Once you were happy,
Certain of your future,
Real
And now you're past the point of no return
Where nothing is real
And you're constantly in pain
And you can't remember
Who you used to be
Or who you once wanted to be.
You've changed
And there's nothing you can do about it
Brigette Beck Apr 2016
I was teetering on the edge
I couldn't tell you for how long
Praying that I wouldn't fall
Hanging on, staying strong
After some time there
I was fine, continuing on
Then an unseen force pulled me over
I was gone
I was falling through space and time
Into the distant past
A past of misery and darkness
That I thought I had escaped at last

I am still falling
Falling through the darkness, blind
The edge that was once my refuge is long gone
Out of sight, out of mind

Out of time
My time is up
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
I'm so sorry
I'm sorry for everything
Everything I've done to you
I know that I did it
Even though you might not
But it was me
And I'm so sorry
I couldn't control any of it
I didn't know I was doing it
And I was stupid enough to think I wasn't hurting you
And I'm sorry
Words can't express how my head is spinning
And my heart aches
Just thinking about what I did to you
And how I can't turn back time and fix it
I'm so sorry
I really am. I'm sorry.
Brigette Beck Apr 2016
You need me
and I need you
Don't pretend it isn't true
I know you know it too
After all we've gone through
To begin anew
I think I always knew
That I’d need you


So please don't go…

*I need you
I know I don't understand.
Brigette Beck Aug 2016
I've stopped the writing,
this method of fighting.
The things that kept it at bay
Have all turned to gray.
Thoughts reign over my head,
Things that I never would've said.
Death lurks in the corners of my mind,
I thought I'd left this behind.
But no, I've descended again
Into this chaos, misery and pain.
The ones I love have come with me.
I brought them down when they were free.
Now, my love, you deserve far more.
I'm weak, the very thing against which I swore.
Weak, crumbling, and broken,
My love, the depth of my pain is unspoken.
So I will do as you do
And as much as I hate to,
I will find serenity in this bittersweet hell.
Of this pain I will never tell.
So in the end,
To you, my love, my best friend,
And to the part of myself that I lost,
*I'm sorry
Brigette Beck Apr 2016
I walk a lonely path
All on my own
Healing from my demons' wrath
Desperate and alone.
No end is in sight
No relief draws near
Hope has died in the dead of night
This road I walk is fear.
This path built on vows
Broken and unkept
Leaves me to ponder the whys and hows
Of every tear I have wept.
On this dark and painful road
That's brought me to the edge of despair
I walk lonely with my heavy load
Wandering through an endless nightmare.
I don't know how this one turned out, but I hope whoever reads this has a good day or night or whatever time it is when you read this.
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
On an endless journey
To find myself
I've come so far.
But then again, I've gone nowhere.
I found new sides of myself
But I lost everything I had
I lost the parts of myself that I'd already discovered
I lost the friends and the family that I had
I lost happiness,
Only to find less of what I wanted.
I found myself, but in the process
Lost myself
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
Please don't cry
Don't cry

I'll be ok
I'll be gone
But I'll never really be gone
I'll always be with you

So when they let me go
I hope you will too
But know that I loved you
And you loved me
And that's all that matters

So please don't cry
Because I'll always be here
With you…
Brigette Beck Apr 2016
the World can move On
i’ll Just be here
crying out into The endless Abyss
that Has been cradling me
Since The beginning Of my eternity
i’ll Just Be here
screaming Into the void
that Has enveloped me In Its frozen Breath
Since The Dawn of my life
neglected And alone in the Cage of my Mind
Lost in A sea of Overwhelming darkness
and tangled in the fabric of Life
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
If I've learned anything
It's that you don't always get what you want.
Life isn't like the movies
Make it out to be:
People don't follow the script in your head,
Your plans for the future
Aren't what's in store for you,
Expectations can crumble
In an instant,
Everything you tried for
Turned to dust in a second.
That's just the course of life.
have a good day :)
Brigette Beck May 2016
what can you do
when every instinct in your body
is screaming to fight,
to stay alive,
but your mind
has lost the will to live?
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
It
Is my
Darkness that
I can't defeat.
All that I can do
Is kick and scream and try
To survive. The darkness has
Taken shape as this monster with
My eyes, except it reflects sorrow
And everything I fear most in this world.
Have a good day, whoever reads this :)
Brigette Beck Mar 2016
Life is just a fantasy
In the light of day
But in the dark of night
That's when my demons come out to play
They whisper and fester
Beneath my skin
They tell me I'm worthless
That I'll never win
They fight all the light
And drag out the darkness
All my pain is renewed
My sorrow and my sickness
They hide behind my eyes
While my life passes me by
But when I'm quiet at night
They're always nearby
To tell me I'm nothing
And to keep me contained
To shake me and break me
While I'm still chained
By my past insecurities
And deepest fears
My demons are my life at night
And have destroyed all I hold dear.
:)
Brigette Beck Feb 2017
Happiness was once mine
When I was forever young
The world was at my fingertips
Its miseries yet unsung.

As reality crushed me
And my happiness slipped away
I fell out of faith
My anger led me astray.

And so I turned to blazing screens
A new world within the one I'd known
Self-loathing poured from its depths
Crying, “You have always been alone.”

And then I turned to poetry
It was my sole source of light
It quelled my fears and gave me a way out.
I gained the upper hand in my fight.

Then he entered my life
And I thought my happiness was secure
The one I knew I would spend eternity with
Of this I was completely sure.


But then I turned to blood


I dragged the blade across my skin
Just like he had done, those broken promises
Our silent scarlet sin

All those hopes and visions I’d had
Slipped away with my blood
But I was staying strong for him
In my eyes, holding back this horrid flood.

I wish for the happiness of my youth
And the happiness of being real
But in the end, life only gives you hell.
This blood,this poetry
Is all you you'll ever feel.
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
Nobody,
just a
shadow of
a somebody.
And lacking a heart,
only the memories
of the somebody remain.
Residing in neither the light
nor the darkness, only in nothing.
A shell of the somebody’s final stand.
Brigette Beck Mar 2016
Tears in my eyes
That won't fall
Heart that's being ripped apart
But won't tear
Body that's shaking
And won't still
Stuck at the breaking point
Of everything
The point that hurts the most
The point after a long struggle
And before the relief
There is no relief for me
My tears won't fall
And my heart won't give
And my body won't stop shaking
There's no relief for me
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
How can one feel nothing, yet everything?
How can life be a blur, yet crystal clear?
Reality shifts, and the mind will cling
To any source of light to keep the fear
Of losing all the world, oneself, at bay.
Already lost, the world is so unreal.
The songs have lost all meaning, shades of grey
Make up the world, and the heart turns to steel.
Words flow without control, so purposeless.
It's like a dream, the way life can fly by
And leave you as a nervous wreck, a mess.
Life breaks you, and then only says goodbye,
And all you can say in the midst of pain:
“I can’t believe in anything again.”
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
I'm on the verge of tears
And I need to know why.
You'd think I'd know but I don't
and I don't want to try.

To try to to figure out life
and what is unseen.
To try to be part of the world
When I'm just looking through a screen.

And I don't want to try to
Make things right
Or try to stand up for myself
And put up a fight.

And I don't want to try to
Figure out who I am.
Or try to fix my heart
When I just don't give a ****

And honestly you'd think
Since I'm on the verge of tears
I'd know what is wrong with me
But I haven't for years.

And I'm drained from the fight
I've been putting up for so long
So excuse me if I'm done
With trying to figure out what's wrong.
Brigette Beck May 2016
Your lips were unique,
full of unspoken words,
hidden memories,
and I felt them all.
Every last one of them.
The passion of your voice
and the meaning behind your smile.
The pain you hide deep in your heart,
I felt it.
In the way that you kissed me,
held me,
loved me.
I felt it all in the soft passion of you.
Brigette Beck Feb 2017
I can't lose you
though I almost did so many times
in my journey of loving you
I found myself in you
and strength to protect the ones that matter
I learned to reignite the flame
so I'll stay up with you all night
now that I know how to save a life
just pray to God he hears you
Brigette Beck Mar 2016
“If you can find the problem in your life,
Then you can cut it out.”
But what if my problem is me?
What if everything that I'm trying to run away from
Is myself?
What can I do?
I can't escape it no matter how hard I try.
I can't cut out myself
Because my problem has consumed me
It is me.
Wrote this a while ago :)
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
Life was simple and clean
Nothing at all was dim.
I would carry out my days with peace.
But then I met him.

My world was upheaved
When I met the other side of me
Sleeping a peaceful sleep,
But threatening my right to be

“I am me. Nobody else,” I once said
Well I guess that was a lie
Because now I'm looking up at him:
I was never whole, even though I tried.

Only one of us can carry on
And I'm fighting till the end
But I know that the world waits for him,
Not me. Only he can mend.

This world wasn't made for me
But it was made for my other side
I have to give him his stolen memories
And release his hidden pride.

So now on the edge of life and death
I look at him and think about what I went through.
“You're lucky,” I say, tears streaming down my face.
“Looks like it really has to be you.”
Kingdom Hearts, anyone?
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
When
The dark
Has its hold
On you, things may
Seem hopeless. But don’t
Forget: there is always
A way. Never forget that.
Lights cast a shadow, and if you
Find the shadow, you will find the light.
When you find the shadows, search for the light,
And it will lead you to your destiny.
So embrace the shadows, for they will
Lead you to something much greater
Than you know. Anything lost
Can always be found if
You look hard enough.
So when you’re lost,
Know that you
Can be
Found.
Brigette Beck Mar 2016
One of the worst pains:
Needing to say something but
Having no words to
Brigette Beck Mar 2016
The beast inside me lies dormant.
At least for now.
Someday soon it will awaken
And I have no idea when, but it will somehow.

It might arouse me from sleep in the dead of night
Or it could attack when there’s nothing I can do.
But, regardless, it will live again
And I'll have no control when it breaks through.

I can try to fight it, as many times as it takes,
But it will always return stronger than before,
An incredible force against my small power.
For now, though, it sleeps silently, unable to roar.

I'm simply numb from its absence
Numb from the temporary quiet of this beast
But it will awake once more, and I'll lose myself again
When from its cage it is released.
much love to everyone
Brigette Beck May 2016
I'm terrified.

Not for myself.
For you.

I know I don't understand.
I know, in your eyes, I shouldn't be scared.
I know.
But regardless of what you tell me,
I can't just leave you.

I love you

and I am terrified for you.
I know, I know.
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
Tears fall from my eyes
Reflecting sorrow within:
A pain yet unknown
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
It grew like a wildfire,
Small, but spreading swiftly
And I tried to stop it,
But it kept growing
And growing
And growing
And by the time I realized
Just how big it was,
It was almost too late.
I could've stopped it,
Could've destroyed it
If I did but one thing
In that one moment.
And in that moment that mattered most…


I failed.


I failed.
I couldn't do it
And it sealed my fate.
It doomed me.
It rewrote destiny
To a future much darker.
It took over and
Now I've doomed everyone:
The world is aflame…


Because of me.
Hmm I got inspiration for this from my struggle to wake up in the morning. I don't know how but… whatever.
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
Why didn't I take the chances I got?
Why am I such a coward?
I could've confessed.
I could've told you
But I didn't.
I'm a coward
And now I'm paying the price.
My heart aches for you
And you're all I can think of
Because I didn't tell you
And now I'm paying the price.
Idk I'm so tired
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
I'm trapped in my own head.
The world is spinning around
And my breathing is hard.
My body is shaking and
I have no chance of waking
From this cage of fear
I have put myself in.
I put myself to sleep
Only to wake up
In this cage
Breathing hard
And head spinning.
And I can't feel a thing
Nothing is real
And I can't bring myself back
To the world of the living.
To the world I am barred from.
To the world I can only see
But never touch.
To the world I only watch in a dream.
Brigette Beck Jun 2016
The memories replay in my mind
The poems that I've read so many times
The truth of you I try to find
Scanning each moment, each complex rhyme
I try to understand the scars on your arm
The depression you've resigned yourself to
But I feel in you more than just your blade’s charm
There's a light deep down inside you
So long you've been fighting
To always keep that light
All the thoughts you put into writing:
You're winning your fight
But I still have trouble finding who you are
The truth is more than I can ever hope of seeing
Even in your bittersweet hell, with every scar
You care with every fiber of your being
The truth escapes me
No matter how hard I try
But I do know that you’re a deep, beautiful sea
The reason for the sapphires in my eyes
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
I don't think you understand
I feel nothing
and I can't do anything about it
I simply feel nothing
the way I see the world
is so ******* up
I can't touch anything
all I hear is white noise
the world is two dimensional
and meaningless
and unreal
and I don't think you understand
what this is
who this makes me
how my emotions aren't mine
how I can't comprehend a single word
and I can't control a word
that comes out of my mouth
this, this is what I am
I'm a monster in the making
Ugh I'm on a church retreat right now and all I wanted to do was post a poem the whole time.
But to be serious, I suffer from de realization or possibly depersonalization, which are both dissociative disorders, but derealization is characterized by spacing out and felling disconnected from the body. While this may not sound awful, it affects my day to day life in more ways than you could imagine. I'm not trying to complain, but I know I need help but I dont want to tell anyone. I need help but I can't get it. So anyway, that's what this poem is about
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
What lies beneath
in a dive to the heart is
A desire for all that is lost:
the twinkle in the sky,
the monochrome dreams,
a walk in andante;
among the fragments of sorrow
and sinister shadows.
Isn’t it lovely?
The nights of the cursed,
the rage awakened,
the waltz of the ******
in a cavern of remembrance.
And the other promise,
made to old friends, old rivals
in a dance to the death.
What a surprise,
the darkness of the unknown
and what lies beneath
in a dive to the heart.
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
Some people may say
that the future is already written.
But I think it might surprise you.
You never know the secrets of another’s heart
So you can't know the future.
Put up a good enough fight
And destiny will fall to pieces
Line up those pieces
In a different way
And rework the threads of destiny.
Our one destiny can be changed
And you never know what could happen
Yay, hopeful poem, even though it's awful. Whatever though
You
Brigette Beck Feb 2016
You
All I know in this moment
Is that I love you.
I love everything about you
From the way you smile
To the way you look at me.
But I also love all your flaws
All your imperfections.
And I know that I love you
against reason
Against judgment
Against everything I've ever known
But that is all I know now:
I love you
And I can't say it enough
Which is why I need you here
With me
So I can tell you again and again
That I love you.
I don't know why I'm publishing this one because it's really a personal one, but I don't know, for the people who see it, have a good day and thanks for reading this.
Brigette Beck May 2016
I don't know what you see in me
I'm hardly a work of art
I have so many flaws
That I don't know where to start.
I'm impulsive and unreasonable
Indecisive and unsure
I could go on and on
About why I shouldn't be yours.
You're incredible and caring
I don't deserve you
No matter how much you say it
I can't believe that it's true
I'm lucky to have you by my side
When I'm me, just me
I'm sorry that I'm not good enough…
One day you'll see

— The End —