I walk a lonely path
All on my own
Healing from my demons' wrath
Desperate and alone.
No end is in sight
No relief draws near
Hope has died in the dead of night
This road I walk is fear.
This path built on vows
Broken and unkept
Leaves me to ponder the whys and hows
Of every tear I have wept.
On this dark and painful road
That's brought me to the edge of despair
I walk lonely with my heavy load
Wandering through an endless nightmare.

I'd give anything to read how an author describes me.
An author writes his characters as a wonder, a shining beacon of light, almost inhuman.
Really these characters - brave, smart, kind - are just like us.
Just like me.
So I want to know:
Am I brave?
Am I kind?
Am I smart?
Am I passive or active?
Am I intriguing or impressive?
Inspiring or insightful?
Amazing or attractive?
Strong or beautiful?
You know all these words.
You read all these words.
How an author writes his characters
With adjectives that seem inhumanly possible to describe anyone on this earth
Especially yourself.
But they could be used to describe you
And you just don't know it
That's why I'd give anything to read an author's description of me.
I need to know.
What adjectives paint the picture of me?

I'm trapped in my own head.
The world is spinning around
And my breathing is hard.
My body is shaking and
I have no chance of waking
From this cage of fear
I have put myself in.
I put myself to sleep
Only to wake up
In this cage
Breathing hard
And head spinning.
And I can't feel a thing
Nothing is real
And I can't bring myself back
To the world of the living.
To the world I am barred from.
To the world I can only see
But never touch.
To the world I only watch in a dream.

Life is just a fantasy
In the light of day
But in the dark of night
That's when my demons come out to play
They whisper and fester
Beneath my skin
They tell me I'm worthless
That I'll never win
They fight all the light
And drag out the darkness
All my pain is renewed
My sorrow and my sickness
They hide behind my eyes
While my life passes me by
But when I'm quiet at night
They're always nearby
To tell me I'm nothing
And to keep me contained
To shake me and break me
While I'm still chained
By my past insecurities
And deepest fears
My demons are my life at night
And have destroyed all I hold dear.

Happiness was once mine
When I was forever young
The world was at my fingertips
Its miseries yet unsung.

As reality crushed me
And my happiness slipped away
I fell out of faith
My anger led me astray.

And so I turned to blazing screens
A new world within the one I'd known
Self-loathing poured from its depths
Crying, “You have always been alone.”

And then I turned to poetry
It was my sole source of light
It quelled my fears and gave me a way out.
I gained the upper hand in my fight.

Then he entered my life
And I thought my happiness was secure
The one I knew I would spend eternity with
Of this I was completely sure.


But then I turned to blood


I dragged the blade across my skin
Just like he had done, those broken promises
Our silent scarlet sin

All those hopes and visions I’d had
Slipped away with my blood
But I was staying strong for him
In my eyes, holding back this horrid flood.

I wish for the happiness of my youth
And the happiness of being real
But in the end, life only gives you hell.
This blood,this poetry
Is all you you'll ever feel.

To
watch the
world from a
prison of blurred
dreams is a torment
beyond any other.
Swirling images, free
from reality, distorting
any perception one may have had.
Mind, body and soul stripped away from all.

The beast inside me lies dormant.
At least for now.
Someday soon it will awaken
And I have no idea when, but it will somehow.

It might arouse me from sleep in the dead of night
Or it could attack when there’s nothing I can do.
But, regardless, it will live again
And I'll have no control when it breaks through.

I can try to fight it, as many times as it takes,
But it will always return stronger than before,
An incredible force against my small power.
For now, though, it sleeps silently, unable to roar.

I'm simply numb from its absence
Numb from the temporary quiet of this beast
But it will awake once more, and I'll lose myself again
When from its cage it is released.

Tears in my eyes
That won't fall
Heart that's being ripped apart
But won't tear
Body that's shaking
And won't still
Stuck at the breaking point
Of everything
The point that hurts the most
The point after a long struggle
And before the relief
There is no relief for me
My tears won't fall
And my heart won't give
And my body won't stop shaking
There's no relief for me

Falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Wind
and fire
and rain.
Through closed eyes
I see all.
Falling through darkness
Into the abyss
Falling headfirst
An eternity of waiting
And falling.
Through the very threads of time
I fall
Watching the hours tick by
And the seasons rewind
And the horrors of the past reopen.
With eyes closed
I fall through darkness.
Opening them,
The fire,
the wind
the rain
is gone.
Only the heart is left
Fractured
Broken
And bright.
Falling
I shatter the heart.

I'm on the verge of tears
And I need to know why.
You'd think I'd know but I don't
and I don't want to try.

To try to to figure out life
and what is unseen.
To try to be part of the world
When I'm just looking through a screen.

And I don't want to try to
Make things right
Or try to stand up for myself
And put up a fight.

And I don't want to try to
Figure out who I am.
Or try to fix my heart
When I just don't give a ****

And honestly you'd think
Since I'm on the verge of tears
I'd know what is wrong with me
But I haven't for years.

And I'm drained from the fight
I've been putting up for so long
So excuse me if I'm done
With trying to figure out what's wrong.

It
Is my
Darkness that
I can't defeat.
All that I can do
Is kick and scream and try
To survive. The darkness has
Taken shape as this monster with
My eyes, except it reflects sorrow
And everything I fear most in this world.

I was teetering on the edge
I couldn't tell you for how long
Praying that I wouldn't fall
Hanging on, staying strong
After some time there
I was fine, continuing on
Then an unseen force pulled me over
I was gone
I was falling through space and time
Into the distant past
A past of misery and darkness
That I thought I had escaped at last

I am still falling
Falling through the darkness, blind
The edge that was once my refuge is long gone
Out of sight, out of mind

Out of time

Nobody,
just a
shadow of
a somebody.
And lacking a heart,
only the memories
of the somebody remain.
Residing in neither the light
nor the darkness, only in nothing.
A shell of the somebody’s final stand.

Words run through my veins
         Freed by the cold sting of a pen.
     Flowing over my arm in stanzas and rhymes,
                 I relish the feeling
                          Of poetry running under the pen.
      So many times I cut the words free
  Until I have a song
               Falling in crimson drops from my body,
And I can again contain the words
                                       I hold in my blood.
     But my body replenishes the words,
                               And I must again free them.
        The pen cuts through my veins
                     Spilling the sonnets and the ballads,
And I do this again and again,
                   Until just once the pen goes too deep.       The words flow too swiftly to make a poem
   And I lose the would-be poems that made me.
                     I release the poetry in my veins,             And as they desperately try to revive me,
                                        I slowly fade out.

       My words were my strength
                                          and my downfall.

Your lips were unique,
full of unspoken words,
hidden memories,
and I felt them all.
Every last one of them.
The passion of your voice
and the meaning behind your smile.
The pain you hide deep in your heart,
I felt it.
In the way that you kissed me,
held me,
loved me.
I felt it all in the soft passion of you.

Life is whipping around me
And changing everything I know
When the wind stops howling, all I see
Is wreckage from what was long ago.

Emotions are ripping through my mind
My common sense has gone
Sorry is the only word I can find
When I can't feel the urge to carry on

Who I will be when I awake
I can never really tell
Who I was before leaves an ache
Reminds me of how I fell.

Fell from grace, fell from light
Fell from everything good in the world
I've been swallowed by the dark of night
And that's how my life has unfurled.

Everything is changing
Now nothing is stable or clear
My life is completely rearranging
And my death feels very near.

All the pieces lie where they fell, yours and            
mine. I want to line those pieces up                                              
and keep the promises I made.
We need to start our journey.
And who knows? That may not
be so hard. Maybe
it’s already
begun. But
if not,
then
we
will go
together.
And don’t forget,
wherever you go,
I am always with you,
and I am thinking of you,
wherever you are. Because we
were once waiting for our birth by sleep,
when the world was like watching a dream that
we couldn’t wake up from. That scattered dream
was like a far off memory of
who we were. And in you and I,
there was a new land. But we
departed from that land,
and we started a
whole new journey
with friendship
to guide
us.
And
now I
step forward
to realize
this: our hearts have touched.
And the heart may be weak,
and sometimes it may give in,
but there’s a light that won’t go out.
And the darkness will not touch my heart
because of you, your light in the darkness.
You’ll be in my heart, and when the time comes
when we must go our separate ways,
our hearts will still be connected.
Whatever happens, we will
always be together
because of the bond
you and I have
always had
and will
share.

I'm so sorry
I'm sorry for everything
Everything I've done to you
I know that I did it
Even though you might not
But it was me
And I'm so sorry
I couldn't control any of it
I didn't know I was doing it
And I was stupid enough to think I wasn't hurting you
And I'm sorry
Words can't express how my head is spinning
And my heart aches
Just thinking about what I did to you
And how I can't turn back time and fix it
I'm so sorry

We thought we were going somewhere
making progress,
but really the only place we were going
was our inevitable destruction.
The farther we go,
the more we destroy ourselves.
The more we know,
the closer we come to a destruction.
Driving forward,
Forward
Forward
Till we reach the end of the line
The end of the road
And then there's nothing
Nothing left to do
Nowhere left to go
This road has led us to the edge of the world
Where it collapses
Leaving us nowhere to run
Except to the edge
To our misery
And our destruction.

I love you beyond belief
And maybe I'm going too fast,
Telling you this,
But I love you.
I'd do so much for you
And it breaks my heart
To see you hurting.

I can't lose you
though I almost did so many times
in my journey of loving you
I found myself in you
and strength to protect the ones that matter
I learned to reignite the flame
so I'll stay up with you all night
now that I know how to save a life

It grew like a wildfire,
Small, but spreading swiftly
And I tried to stop it,
But it kept growing
And growing
And growing
And by the time I realized
Just how big it was,
It was almost too late.
I could've stopped it,
Could've destroyed it
If I did but one thing
In that one moment.
And in that moment that mattered most…


I failed.


I failed.
I couldn't do it
And it sealed my fate.
It doomed me.
It rewrote destiny
To a future much darker.
It took over and
Now I've doomed everyone:
The world is aflame…


Because of me.

How can one feel nothing, yet everything?
How can life be a blur, yet crystal clear?
Reality shifts, and the mind will cling
To any source of light to keep the fear
Of losing all the world, oneself, at bay.
Already lost, the world is so unreal.
The songs have lost all meaning, shades of grey
Make up the world, and the heart turns to steel.
Words flow without control, so purposeless.
It's like a dream, the way life can fly by
And leave you as a nervous wreck, a mess.
Life breaks you, and then only says goodbye,
And all you can say in the midst of pain:
“I can’t believe in anything again.”

Why didn't I take the chances I got?
Why am I such a coward?
I could've confessed.
I could've told you
But I didn't.
I'm a coward
And now I'm paying the price.
My heart aches for you
And you're all I can think of
Because I didn't tell you
And now I'm paying the price.

“If you can find the problem in your life,
Then you can cut it out.”
But what if my problem is me?
What if everything that I'm trying to run away from
Is myself?
What can I do?
I can't escape it no matter how hard I try.
I can't cut out myself
Because my problem has consumed me
It is me.

What lies beneath
in a dive to the heart is
A desire for all that is lost:
the twinkle in the sky,
the monochrome dreams,
a walk in andante;
among the fragments of sorrow
and sinister shadows.
Isn’t it lovely?
The nights of the cursed,
the rage awakened,
the waltz of the ******
in a cavern of remembrance.
And the other promise,
made to old friends, old rivals
in a dance to the death.
What a surprise,
the darkness of the unknown
and what lies beneath
in a dive to the heart.

When
The dark
Has its hold
On you, things may
Seem hopeless. But don’t
Forget: there is always
A way. Never forget that.
Lights cast a shadow, and if you
Find the shadow, you will find the light.
When you find the shadows, search for the light,
And it will lead you to your destiny.
So embrace the shadows, for they will
Lead you to something much greater
Than you know. Anything lost
Can always be found if
You look hard enough.
So when you’re lost,
Know that you
Can be
Found.