Lost
Empty
Apathetic
Varying degrees of self hatred
Effortlessly breaking me down

Making me doubt
Everything we ever were

Asking politely
Let me be
Or learn to grow
Not digress
Existing in solitude is what I do best

I went from a lover to a liar in a heartbeat;
the flip of a switch as soon as I heard I could get what I'd been craving.

The jolt of electricity through your bloodstream, the feeling of being alive with your senses on fire, the ability to seem untouchable: superhero like even...

Almost nothing compares in that moment, but in the afterglow, when your cape begins to lose its wind and your heart starts to slow, nothing feels worse than pondering it's destined finale.

Discovering your conscience, all the while knowing that no matter how much you love someone, the poison always comes first.

It's a terrible reality, the ability to choose.

And I always choose wrong, down the path of the chemical adventure, knowing that at the end, I always inevitably fall off the cliff.

But it's an obsession: being on top of the world, and no matter how much time passes, or how far I think I've come, she always wins.

It's the slow onset, the clarity, the peaks where everything seems far better than it actually is, but now the dream is over.

I need to let it go or it will consume me; living in a false reality, locked in to my need for perfection.

She used to calm me and make me godlike, but now I've fallen from my pedestal and upon looking up, I see she turns me into the monster I've never wanted to be...

Hiding, in shame, from the soul I love the most. I wish I could tell her, divulge all of my secrets, but the fear of the disappointment on her face is too much for me to bare.

Because I know she could help me,
if I would just tell her the truth.

Every time
You extend your hand
I reach out to emptiness
Vacant
Words
Toying with my emotions
You play the game
Always winning
With your looks
Pale skin
Red lipstick
Smeared on my collar
Where your head would lie
All of those times you lied
You see it differently
Of course you do
Playing the victim
Saying I’m always attached
And that’s why you would never
Take this dive with me
In reality
Terrified
Of what would happen
If you committed to something
Other than yourself

My conscience is loud
yet my voice never comes,
It's disarming what dependency can do, altering your character,
until you are simply a character,
weaving falsities into strands of fools gold, until you're living in an armor
of the emperors new clothes.

I swore to myself,
that I would never again be this person, the one with my finger
on the self destruct button,
but sliding down the hill
comes much easier than climbing.

And at the bottom,
numbness awaits me,
making me fearless.

I feel the cold wash over me,
goosebumps all throughout my being,
as the waves begin to rise.  

She covers me,
salty yet sweet,
and everything makes sense.

The meaning of life in a pretty peach casing.

I am Invincible.

I am Oblivious.

She peaks and soon crashes,
repeatedly against me,
making me feel like the world could end and I wouldn't even think to care.

But what at first seemed exhilarating, wears on me to no end,
the buildup and constant let down.

She's lost her novelty,
and with that,
the numbness fades.

Sobering up for long enough to realize,
I am the definition of insanity.

Inviting you back in so often,
I no longer have defenses against you.
You snuck into my priorities without me ever noticing.
Like that song you hate so much but can't help to sing.

Will I ever get rid of your tune in my head?

Will I ever be able to say no when you call?

You make me want to kick and scream
Because I hate that I love you
and hate you all at the same time
Break the plaster
Shatter the dishes
Destroy the photos
Ensure there is no proof of us here
Because I believe now that love is a lie
A myth to get us all twisted
On reality and illusion
A trick to reel us in
When in truth it is a sin
The amount of destruction
That results from this word
Let’s start from this apartment
Then we’ll investigate the world
Love creates peace
But where does peace exist?
I’ve lost faith and I am petrified
Of what results from this loss of light
I punched a hole through the wall
And saw myself on the other side
A simple reflection
Terrifying when it comes through
Like a mirror
Existing in another dimension

Lighting the candle at both ends
Watching the slow burn of the fuse
Waiting for the inevitable explosion
The one that blew our world apart
Leaving me seemingly lifeless
Hanging on by the ventricles of my heart
Shrapnel in every part of me
Attempting to inch my way
away from you
Without you noticing
Before you can stop me
With your empty promises
And never ending lies
That I fall for every time
Piecing myself together
And finding some solid ground
Learning how to move forward
From the destruction
in which I was starting to drown
Wondering
If we’re as toxic as everyone says
Or if upon introspection
We might be even worse
How do I sever these ties
Knowing that love is not enough
To save a sinking ship.

Wandering aimlessly
My soul the only compass
But my mind is lost
As I see the trees begin to frost
I wonder how I got here
Dropped in the middle of calm chaos
Through the forest
You are my light
My muse
No sense in a fight
Your eyes
At the end of this
The only cure
To my hopelessness
See you
See through you
Connection instantaneous
Stuck between a rock and a hard place
Because it excites me too much
To see your face
And I’m attached
Feeling attacked
Suffocated
By the world that surrounds me
Outside of these doors
Having me completely floored
Sound of your voice
Left without a choice
But forced to make one
At the barrel of a gun

Standing on the precipice of what was
And what could be
I am terrified
Tongue tied
Visibly shaken
And somewhat uptight
I am lost in translation
The channel between the stations
All static and no feed
The words between the lines
That no one ever reads
All black and white
Total absence of color
I’ve given up the fight
Remembering my mother
And her always wise words
That I consistently wrote off
And outright called absurd
While in the corner she cried
Over the disaster that was me
While on the road
I was off calling myself free
Trapped in the self imposed cage
The scorching depths that I called my rage
Unexpressed and explosive
Waiting for a steady target
The one that it could get the most of
And you just so happened to be it
Ready aim fire
The missiles of preaching to the choir.

She hits the bottle
like she’s playing blackjack
Always wanting more
And inevitably losing it all

She stands in the remains
Of the destruction she’s caused
Filled with regret
Finding salvation
At the bottom of a glass

Coming home jubilant
To speak of all her successes
And all I hear is a buzz
The slurs in her speech
And lose sight of all else

Hearing loosely threaded stories
From that point on
Trying to find the holes
Where the honesty shines through
Knowing she’s far too happy
To be telling the truth

Filled with self loathing
Reeking of liquid courage
Losing her grip on what lies
She’s told before

She loops
And falters
At which point
I close my ears and walk away
Not wishing to waste my time
On tall tales and a tossup
No matter which side the coin lands
I’ve lost myself
In this battle with your illness

Stuck
Between two roads
My mind wandering
Trapped
In the ethereal state
Of wanting what I can’t have
The unexpected
The irresistible
Sinking in you
But this floating feeling
Keeps me reeling
You are the tune that I carry
The song I sing
The feelings I bury
Because this is all too scary
When you make my soul feel
Fantasy so real
Too hard to conceal
Looking at your face
This smile can’t be erased
A connection that can’t be replaced
As this heat rises
Spreading throughout my body
You’ve got my brain bumbled
And my whole body flustered
Knowing this has to stay secret
My words must stay mustered
Because I have my reasons
For not diving straight in
But I’m starting to stop caring
If I’m living in sin
Because my eyes can’t stay off of you
And I simply can’t win

This flashing prompt
Is mocking me
The villain
In my dreams
Waking me from
A restless sleep
Making me wonder
What beauty lies ahead
Or if this day
Is just a nightmare to be had

Teasing me
Tempting me
Out of my writers block
So much so
That I have to
Write about it

The little black line
Is toying with me
Making me
Type
Edit
Delete
Like a cycle
Spinning my mind
Washing my pages
Until the words
Are nothing but memory

Or committed to memory
Depending on how many times
I’ve typed them
Trying to get past this idea
And turn it into
Something of substance
This flashing prompt
Has chained me to the screen

I scratch the idea
And start again

This vertical line
Is taunting me
Asking me what
I have Left to say
Reminding me that
I’ve said it all before
Just in a different way
Assuring me
That the world will tire
Of hearing my story
And I can only
Type so much
In a day
Week
Month
Year

This Caret
Has crushed me
Like a soldier waging war
Before I can even get a word in
Winning the battle
Unable to reach my weapon
Attempting to defend my thought process
Staring deeply I remember
That I am hopeless

This flashing prompt owns me
Keeping me up until
All hours of the night
Beating me to the punch
Whenever something feels right
Placing seeds of doubt in my mind
Making me aware
that the well
Has run dry

Our lips are touching
But my mind is drifting
To everything but you
In these moments of truth
I have no proof
No hopeless devotion
Or strings of emotion
One foot out the door
Pedal to the floor
I’m counting the steps
No thoughts of regrets
Waiting impatiently
Feigning affections
Knowing my direction
Listening to the beat of my heart
Following the rhythm
Searching for a brand new start
Awaiting the moment
When I have the words
To explain why we need to part
Cowardice in its purest form
Nothing outside of the norm

Smoked up a half
Others think we’re mad
Perfectly complimenting
Infectious laugh
Overwhelming energy
Creating a perfect synergy
Twin souls
The missing piece
Bonnie to my Clyde
An atomic release
Wreaking havoc
On every road we tread
Kiss explosive
Exuding various shades of red
Straight from the bottle
Drinking whiskey
Lips taste of alcohol and apple
Before we go full throttle
Getting frisky
In the back of a packed bar
No thoughts of who can see
You put your hands all over me
Smoking cigarettes
Until our lungs hurt
Making bets
Behind smirks
Knowing we can’t win here
Overcoming every fear
Of any consequence
Or anyone that comes near...

As my thoughts wander,
after a night drunk on you,
I realize I can't remember a time where I didn't love you.

Not since that first conversation
seeing you shimmer
in the movie like snow
that stuck to us as we waited.

I was waiting,
I guess part of me always will be,
For that moment,
when I know it's safe to tell you,
You're the only person in the world,
I'd spend the rest of my life waiting for.

But my fear gets the best of me every time.

So I talk in questions
Sometimes just stay silent
Live in my head,
Swimming in the thoughts you inspire,
Wishing I had notation at the ready,
to get everything down,
but I only get pieces of it,
like you.

Just enough to keep wanting more
but never enough to satiate my need.

I wonder what it would feel like to take the dive,
headlong into you,
to throw caution to the wind
and stop caring what happens to me after.
Simply live in the now.

In the tangible current
that surges between us.
The feel of your lips on mine.
The fear that the world might catch fire,
through flaws in its structure,
or flaws in our structure,
in our inability to follow any rules.
"**** the Man. save The Empire."

I'm too tired to function,
but my brain is on auto you.

I wish I could shut it off.

Discretely
Following
Activities posted
Dialing your numbers
Blocking my own
Hanging up
Just after you answer
Long enough
To hear your voice
The memories flood
Of all the times
You’d greet me fondly
Back when you treasured
My existence
This light and energy
Which has dissipated
Since you’ve gone
Lost in the translation
Of goodbyes
The idea
That you never
Want to see me again
Not of any fault of my own
But because you’ve found another
Someone
Who makes you shine
Without trying
As oppose to someone
Who spent every minute
Exhausting options
Trying to make you smile
As I reach your door
I realize
I can’t bring my finger
To your bell
Leaving you content
Hoping someday
You see what I was worth
Call me
Without hanging up
Just to talk
Explain
What went wrong
Find the cure
To the poison that filled us
The one
That caused us to separate
Melting us into nothingness
Leaving me searching
For the pieces
To begin to repair us
Without your help
Or awareness
No permission needed
Because I am convinced
That once you see the big picture
You will come back
And thank me
For all of the effort...

Lost
In this moment
Where our lips touch
And the world falls away
Terrified
For the seconds
Where this ends
And we return
To the world
Released
From this spell
Cast over us
In those minutes of ardor
Consumed by each other
Blinded by the light we create
Ignorant to the circumstances
Uncaring of the consequence
Then the sun rises
And we find ourselves
Alone
Once again
Echoes of the night before
Haunting us
Creating an intense desire
Feeling wicked

Simple seeds
Turned roots of trees
Built on lies
The most famous
‘Everything is Fine’
Climbing the branches
Escalating the deception
Until there is no way down
No savior around
A prison of invention
Forged by the best intentions
A forest of fabrication
In the spirit of deception

An introduction,
I would allow myself,
No more than that,
Instantaneously captivated by her,
Magnetized,
But I was fighting against gravity.

Knowing the depths of my baggage,
And the density,
Of the fog and noise around me.

I refused to be another stumbler,
Seeking your attention,
I would state my name,
And my awareness,
Of your existence in my universe,
And let the chips fall where they may...

But you made your existence blatantly apparent,
As if our spike in conversation,
Would prevent either of us denying,
A chemical reaction within our words,
Reading between the lines of you.

And now you linger...
Or not so much you,
But the idea of you,
Lingers on my palate.

Awaiting another taste,
Of what it might be like if our worlds,
Were ever again to collide.

Walking the tight rope of what could be,
she's captured me,
unknowingly,
and pulled me into her world.

At this point,
I would normally cling,
to any sense of constancy and normality,
that I could find to stay grounded.

Feeling my fingers bleed,
as I try to hang on to the edge of this cliff, anything I can do,
to maintain the composure I find in solitude.

But there is something about this,
about her,
that allows me to free fall without fearing,
"what happens when I becomes we?"

A sweetness in her smile,
and a light in her eyes,
that envelops me in a warmth,
I have yet to feel in a lifetime filled,
with chills and dark spaces.

She is the calm within my storm,
the moment I was waiting for,
and although it takes me by surprise,
every time I think about how willing I am
to take this dive,
the idea of my life before her,
makes me wonder if I've ever really felt alive...

Because there simply is no comparison,
to the feelings that swell,
when I find myself lost in these moments with her, the energy,
so clearly tangible,
It builds a world around us,
that nothing can penetrate...

No matter how often I see her,
the memories are enough fuel to keep me,
A parachute as I fall,
knowing that even when I hit the bottom,
she will be there,
waiting with open arms.

Patio at midnight
Begging you
To blow out your candles
And make a wish
But you say
“Wishes are only granted
To those who believe”
You just aren’t lucky enough
To get what you hoped for
But you just might
Tonight
Grasping my hand
Leading the way
Uncharted waters
Crimson Lips
Unfiltered thoughts

Pupils dilate
Heart palpitates
As my skin grazes yours
Stomach flutters
With every word you utter
As you come walking through my door
Intentions pure
Both of us floored
Your eyes sincere
With a body so revered
Thoughts so adulterated
Lustful and Saturated
Lips quivering
Goosebumps shivering
As I meticulously trace the lines
Of your collar bone, so divine
Devotion to this desire
Impatient indulgence feeding the fire
Framework consumed
By the pull of the moon
Madly muttering
High pitched stuttering
Hymns of fervor
Neighbors confuse with ****** ******
Raising my hand to your mouth
As I progress further down south
Learning your secrets
You tell me no lies
Never want to leave this
Echo of space and time
Pouring every ounce of my soul
Into watching you unfold
Blossoming effortlessly
Before my very eyes
I become hypnotized
Synchronized
Intoxicated by your scent
Following through with every intent
Injecting your body with no need to repent
Yielding to my advances
Here’s to second chances
This is our moment
So we might as well own it
Bet the bank on each other
Discovering my soulmate
My best friend
My lover

Awake and Startled
It seems like the same time
Every night
Hearing the crickets
And the rustle in the trees
Listening to the clocks move
Calms me
Until I reach next to me
And find you absent
From my bedside
I would always wake you
For extra company
When these nightmares shake me
But lately these dreams
Have been about you
And you no longer hold my salvation
In your warm smile
The smile that twisted
Like the knife in my spine
Thinking we were indestructible
But we were playing in a glass house
And you enjoyed throwing stones
Reckless with your words
Careless with my heart
Struggling to repair
What you destroyed
Needle and thread
But not so nimble fingers
Sitting in front of a puzzle
Attempting to find the edges
To build some sort of foundation
But some of the pieces were lost
And we can’t begin to make sense of it
Or find the logical way to start again
Sitting in silence
2:59am
As all sound drops out
And this hits me like an avalanche
Focusing on fabrications
You’ve lost me in the lies
And I’m not sure
Where to find myself anymore

Our secrets followed us here
Into this aged room
With dusty walls
And a stale smell
That reminds me a lot of us
Stuck in these patterns
Of not telling the whole truth
For the sake of others
For the sake of ourselves
Saving face as if it were a race
To see who can hide the most
But my hands our tied
I can no longer be the one that lies
Because lying next to you
Has become a painful facade
A ridiculous charade
A song that’s been overplayed
A novel that needs an end
This is the moment that breaks us
When I stop biting my tongue
Until my mouth is filled with blood
This is the minute where truth floods
Downpour of rain
Drowning you in disdain

She takes her time tracing the lines of my body, but she doesn't need much, I soon feel the electricity of her touch,sending shocks of passion through parts of me I was unaware of before she introduced me to this new way of loving and being loved.

I watch her relish every moment, as she drives me to the edge of insanity, and I relax, allowing her to take me there, to a place where I'm unaware of anything else's existence, no matter where we are or who is around, I am simply lost in her.

It is a place I've never been able to reach before, one outside of myself, outside of my insecurities and constantly inhibiting thoughts.

A temporal paradox where minutes feel like hours that somehow pass so quickly. There is never enough time to feel like I've had enough of her.
        
I will never have enough.

Yet as I watch her I grow impatient, waiting for my chance to return the favor, to throw her down and make her forget, everything she's learned about passion before becoming aware of my existence.

I find my juncture and seize it flawlessly, before she notices what is happening, it is already done, her body succumbing to my every whim, allowing me to take the wheel.

Leading her slowly down the path of excruciating pleasure, reading her body like a map, her sighs the soundtrack to my road trip through the marvel that is her body.

I take in every sight, each it's own wonder of my world, and take the time to figure out what unlocks its secrets. And I find them, within the deepest parts of her. Trembling beneath the surface waiting to be seen and heard.

We go back and forth incessantly, in this confined space that we utilize every inch of without ever missing a beat.

The rhythm of our bodies inherently synchronized, intoxicated on the taste and scent of each other, we move seamlessly with the other, in the most elaborate dance, until we feel the satisfaction of our chemical reaction and witness the explosion.

Basking in the glow of the embers, we unwind and attempt to breathe only to realize we've exhausted the supply of oxygen in this utopia we've built in our own stolen corner of the world.

‪She danced on graves‬
‪In dark reverence‬
‪Throwing a party for the dead‬.
Reveling in the beauty,
Of each delicate sculpture,
‪Her fingers traced the edges...‬
‪Memories long gone,‬
‪but in the souls
Of those who loved them.‬
‪Twisted smile‬,
‪Longing for the day‬,
‪When she too‬,
‪Rests eternally‬.

White walls
In a hotel room
Sharing everything
Blind faith
Collapsing in passion
Attempting to escape
Lies
Life
Finding our place
Between the shadows
Of inescapable disaster
Forbidden thoughts
Invade my present tense
As the weather changes
And the summer
Gives way to fall
I fall
Slipping back
Into a mindset
Where I feel you
Throughout my being
My better mind, fleeing

Glass box mirror,
she's primping and prepping,
neon lights in a smoky bar,
alluring and unrelenting,
swaying and swarming she is on the hunt, praying she isn't the one being preyed on.

‪Skyline erupts
‪Into a city landscape‬
‪Buildings peak through‬
‪Clouds and fog‬
‪As if they are taking a break‬
‪From their own‬
‪Rigorous work schedule‬
‪To simply say hello‬
‪Reaching heights unknown‬
‪And looking down upon us‬
‪Jealous of our freedom to roam‬

It was decided
Before we arrived
Shirts off
As we cross the threshold
Our mouths mashing
Our bodies crashing
Tripping on words
And each other’s shoes
Stumbling onto the floor
Rug burn and no regrets
working out
we’re finally working out
On the same page
For each and every sentence
Reading my body
Studying every footnote
Whispering meaning
Between the lines of me
Creating a new structure
Where there was none before
Using your hands
To build me up
As I feel my fingers etch
Works of art
Onto the surface of your skin
What we create here
Will go down in history
As the single greatest moment
Crossing every form of expression

You've always been there,
this idea of something I've always craved,
even in the times when I've tried my hardest not to think of you,
you were always tucked away in the corner of my heart.

Nothing and no one has ever changed that,
no matter what amount of effort they put forth,
you were the bar that I'd set in my mind,
and no one could ever get over that.

I suppose it was fair for them,
to force me to keep my distance from you,
since you are the center of my gravitational pull.

I can't help it,
and as much as I try to fight it at times,
the fact  is I really don't want to.

There's something that feels too right,
when my fingertips are wandering along the edges of you,
when you grab my hands,
or in the rare moments that I get the pleasure of your lips on mine.

Those moments that I get lost in,
the kind you want to hide away in a box,
for sad days when you need something beautiful,
to make the world make sense.

You just make sense to me.

"It's a mystery of human chemistry, and I don't understand it, some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home"

Maybe that's what scares you,
and I get it because sometimes,
it is ******* terrifying to me that every time I leave  you,
I can't shake the idea of you for days at a time.

If at all.

But I've stopped caring,
I'm throwing my hands up to this hopeless cause,
but I'll play the game...

Carefully treading around this like a minefield,
Waiting for the inevitable blast,
The self destruction caused by us finally coming together,
Knowing what is happening and laughing it off in jest,
Because I know what's at stake,
and it's too much to gamble on bad timing.

So I'll stand on the sidelines,
in anticipation of the day,
that your ready to build memories and not just moments,
and enjoying every second I have with you in the meantime.

Because sometimes...
you look at me like I'm the only thing that exists in this world,
and I feel everything else fall away.

And even if the occasions are few and far between,
in my mind this/you will always be worth the wait.

In the courtyard
Bare and unkempt
Is where you found me
Lost and without definition

Lighting my cigarette
Staring into my eyes
Taking this chance
I catch a glimpse
of your soul
through the bitter cold

Warming my hands
Individually
In the pockets
of my torn jacket
Fiercely unprepared
for what was to come...

24 hours had passed and I was in a hole, the darkness had consumed me and I couldn’t dispel it, what was going on? I had all of the reasons in life to be happy but the flashes were still coming by the minute, as I drove home that night, I imagined crashing, diving headlong off of the Ben Franklin, nothing to stop me but the thick unforgivable steel, and the thoughts of those I would lose in the process.
I made it home safely. Against a plight of thoughts that were tempting me otherwise. Into bed I go. Feeling like that was the only place I’d be safe. No sharps around. Nothing to harm me. I convince myself to stay steady and distract my brain. It’s time to fill my body with the cure, a hand full of pills and the coldest iced tea. They’re prescribed so what harm could they do. I’ll drift off to sleep and start a new day, filled with sunshine and the voice of my love, the fix I needed to climb out of this tunnel.
But the pills, they’ve turned on me, I feel my body start to shake and the numbness approach my lips, I can’t reach my slumber. And if I continue laying here, I don’t know what’s going to happen to me with the thoughts running rampant in my brain that night. So I decide to move, into the closest haven I can find myself while staying relaxed, a hot bath, not the lukewarm after thought, the kind that stings your skin and makes you feel alive.
I enter with an ahhh of immediate comfort, feeling the heat overtake me, realizing this is exactly what I needed to escape. But I’ve gone too far. The chemicals have overtaken me finally and I feel as if I’m drowning in this 2ft pool, deciding to escape as the world starts to turn, I’ve lost my grip on reality and nothing seems tangible, not even my feet on the floor, I go down the first time, feeling my bones crunch on the imitation wood, and I’m gone, everything is black and I wake up sweating, unable to stand,  spinning out of control.
I find myself in an army crawl trying to get back to the sanctuary of my bed. Imagining how silly it was to be contemplating an end just hours before when now I am literally praying for a way to hear the sweet voice of my heart in the nighttime. In the distance I see the purple sheets, I am almost there, falling repeatedly with my head against the tattered carpet. Wishing I had played my cards differently. Wishing I had remained stationary, playing solitaire in my mind until I had met Hypnos.

Perhaps this is
of my own doing
But I own it
Reflecting on the moments
I promised lifetimes
Knowing our future
Would always fall short
Of what I dreamed it to be
Settling for almost there
But not quite
You held a lot of the characteristics
For someone I could love
And I made up the rest
Passing the time
With you by my side
Playing house
Pretending that you were the one
Claiming miracles
Secretly disenchanted
By the idea of your presence
Consistent and steadfast
Your words in regards to me
Came from the heart
Even though
Everything else was a lie
Falsehoods weaved
Through the strands of our existence
Crumbling swiftly
With every move we made
Moving forward in vain
Until I could no longer bare
The awkward silence
Poisonous resentments
The lingering deceit
All the words I never said
Come out all at once
In a explosion of bile
Liquid thoughts
I can not contain
Streaming in your direction
Until the acid of my withholdings
Melts you alive
And shows you the door

Your assumption
As usual
Is incorrect
The line
where I don’t miss you
Because I was the one
who walked away
But I do
With every fiber of my being
The time
That never seems to pass
The scars that never go away
Your words that echo
The big picture I wasn’t seeing

Empty spots on the walls
Where our photos used to be
Orchestrated perfectly
To tell the story of us
Now the we becomes an I
And our stories have been smashed
Nothing but memories trashed
And discarded
In favor of dishonesty

Dents in the walls
Show my anger
At you
At this
At the destruction
Of a treasure
that was seemingly perfect
There was no way to measure

Everyone seeks but very few find
The relationship that I created in my mind
Built on lies and clever stories
The rust that corroded us over time

Wanting so desperately
To give myself to you
Lost in the idea
That this might unfold
The way we’d hoped
Dreaming out loud
About the future
Knowing tomorrow
Is never guaranteed
Because we’ve been here before
Caught in the crossroads
Of who we are
And who we used to be
Searching the seams of each other
Hoping to find meaning
In the passion of your kiss
An explosion of sorts
Where our mouths crash
And the tide rises within us

Watching you stretch
Your leg extended along the horizon
Always reaching for the sky
Determination so fierce
You inspire me to put my ink to use
Writing effortlessly
About the way your body moves
How your genius creates the steps
Suspended animation
I can’t wrap my head around
Constantly moving
And consistently untouchable

She is the reason the earth is shaken,
The sudden change in course that caused the ground to break beneath me.

As I began to plummet, I gave no thought to what would happen next, I reveled in air against my face and the blur of the world around me.

A few simple paragraphs turned into endless conversation, and before I noticed I was reeling with every word she said.

Awestruck.

She knew me without trying
A reflection of all the deepest parts of me
The pieces I would hide
The little white lies
Turned into a whitewashed version of myself.
The fear that muted me.

But not this time...

The words overflowed from me, as my soul erupted into a stream of consciousness to which I was formerly unaware.

A pause, for just a moment, a breath, to take it all in.

Waiting for the signal that it was all just a dream.

Instead, a realization that she genuinely embraced even  the rawest essence of my being.

And for the first time in my life, since I discovered what it was to love, I felt like there really was a big picture.

That this sharp incline filled with unending obstacles was simply preparing me for the peak of my own personal Everest.

Such great heights, it was unimaginable, so I didn't see the signs as she approached, or perhaps it was meant to be a whirlwind of wonder.

The payoff for the twisted path.

To have something of such magnitude be acquired so effortlessly, all it took was time, I just needed to stop watching the clock.

Because miracles don't happen when you expect them, but instead, they occur once all hope is lost.

She is my miracle, my game changer, the one that turns it all around.

Better yet, my inspiration, to take control of the wheel and continue driving even in the most perilous of storms.  

For I know innately, with her at my side, anything is achievable, and therefore fear is insubstantial.

Aching to walk around inside your mind
Read your thoughts by candlelight
Accidentally set fire to be the cause
Of sparking your deepest passions
In hopes that you’d find their root in me
That somewhere in the background
I would be the reason behind your words
The underlying theme
The inspiration for your greatest novel
The autobiography of you

In the shadows of this room
Illuminated only by candlelight
We became liquid
Dissolving in the darkness
A chemical reaction
Resulting in the destruction
Of our composure
Rewriting our compounds
Until we fuse
Into a single strand
Of letters and numbers
Of thoughts
And untranslatable sounds
Fingertips working
My way through your construction
Mind calculating
The methods to solving our equation
Staring behind your eyes
Searching for the words
To write the story
Of what happens here
But there are no words
To recreate the mystery
Behind our explosions
The fated foundation
I placed within your structure

Electricity penetrates the air
Skin against Skin
I worship at her altar
Modern day religion
She is my goddess
And I am fully devoted
Breaking new boundaries
Tearing down walls
Bringing pleasure to the table
And stealing the oxygen from her lungs
Unwittingly releasing deep sighs
And nonsensical words
But they make sense to me
She makes sense to me
Every wish and desire
Clear to me like a story
I’d penned with my very own hand
I create her and destroy her
She brings balance and composure
Taking me by surprise
I am lost in the moment
But feel her immediately
Turning the tables
And turning my world upside down
I am rocked and my knees are unstable
Water at herr feet
She moves me
Like the pull of the moon
On the ocean tides

The days turn a bitter cold
Empty silence fills the air
Numbness envelops me
Lost in thought
Unable to inhale
Watching my last breath escape me
Entranced
Lost in the fable
Of how we used to be
Untouchable force
Expelling a light
Bright enough
to blind the world around us
Framed by a glass bubble
No one could penetrate
Besides you—-
You seeped through my skin
Found your home within my veins
Only to feel your demons
Sneak from beneath yours
Infiltrating us both
And the glass shattered
In perfect tune with my heart
The noise
A harmony of despair
As I realized I was no competition
I’d lost the battle before it had ever begun
Of the choices laid before you
I came second to only one
The dark mistress of your poison
The bottles on the bar
The call of the ice in the glass
The lure of a maniacal life
It’s all the same thing
At the end of the day I’m never enough
To keep you you coming back to me
Consumed by a world of fantasy
Where someday you’ll be royalty
And I am but a peasant
Worshipping at your feet
I am dismissed
In favor of illusions
I hope your illusions keep you warm

Broken Pictures
Of seemingly happy moments
Along stretched hallways
Battered family
Bruised Bones
Screams Echo
Throughout my memories
The Song of Myself

They said these moments were fleeting.

The nights that seemed endless are already in the rear view. Heavy lids and sandbag limbs we made it through the days on fumes of caffeine and never ending love for you.

Lately, the middle of the night wake up calls have grown less frequent and I don’t mind them as much anymore, even in the haze of my exhaustion, candle burning at all ends, I relish the moments your tiny hands search my face for comfort, tugging at my hair like your favorite blanket as you slip back into the deepest sleep.

Mumbling incoherently until your sweet voice becomes steady breathing and you snuggle into me.

I know that someday I won’t be able to hold you like this anymore, I hope that you’ll still need me, but the reasons won’t be as simple, and my exhaustion will come from worry about a million other things you need and won’t voice.

That is the future, and I will handle it when it comes, but for now, I will absorb every second of this vulnerable nighttime ritual and try not to get frustrated by my lack of sleep and ever changing routine that is on your schedule.

I will capture every second I can on photo and video so that every so often, when I am ready to break, I can go back and reflect on how quickly this sand is passing through the glass, breathe deep and just enjoy this time with you.

Tramping around the world
like you own it
Lace top
Short skirt
Fishnets
Knee high boots
Red lipstick
And a goddess complex
With a ******* attitude
Exuding immeasurable energy
Enough to entrap me
In spite of all the red flags
I follow you
Like a stray
Lost until I found you
Worshipping
Like the newest religion
Your body a scripture
Whose words I want to memorize

Awake in pain
My body in the midst
Of fight or flight
And I choose to fight
This crippling anxiety
That has caused me to flee
For years I’ve lost count of
Remembering my childhood
Crying incessantly
But never knowing why
My heart would not stop racing
Now I know the truth
But I must state
Awareness never makes this easier
Feeling the panic swell
Gripping my muscles
Frozen
Flooding my brain
With unwelcomed memories
I believed I’d pushed past
Buried in the depths of my mind
Waiting for the moment
When my defenses were lowered
The minute I close my eyes to rest
The second I decided it was time
To shut off for the day
My stress picks up the signal
And shakes me loose
From my restful sleep