What makes up a thought?
The script in italics?
The emotional voiceover?
How do you define a thought?

"the action or process of thinking"
That is it's literal allocated form, a
string of letters, used to show a
multitude of meaning.
Break
          It
             Down
Thought
Thinking
Sentences
Words
Letters
Alphabet ( the basic elements in a system that combine to form complex entities)
Symbol
Emotion
Rational
Moral
Hormonal
Genetically engrained

How do you describe thought?
I cannot leave things unsaid
And yet,
there is no way to say them, without
telling a half truth,
an attempt,
A Lie.

The things I've left unsaid
                            For fear of seeing them wrong
Litter my memory

Incomplete songs
Poems
and hidden fears
not far behind

Once un-winded, they are still
as encrypted as before
Even to me
half formed

So, instead of half truths,
I shall tell half words
I love you
Perhaps
Not always
One day

One day perhaps I will try to tell
But, before then, I'll be human
and tell Half Words

Leaving my trust in things
Louder than sound.

I know the smell of everyone I've ever loved
wanted
hated
lusted
snorted like a dying drug addicts last meal

My first smelt of deities
a mens deodorant for a boy
who didn't know what he
wanted, but he knew what
he should.
He was sharp, uncertain, his
natural scent masked by an
advert.

My second smelt of fields
the earth was his roll-on
and though he'd mask it in
the oils of men, I knew he
smell of a hearth, hormones
and her heart on his sleeve.
His scent was primal and I
bathed in it's rawness.

My third smells of fire
whatever he's burning,
midnight oil, stress,
nicotine, I can sense it
soaked into his skin with
sweat. Encased in fire,
I suffocate on air nowadays.
He reeks of home, lust, longing

and hope.

And all you can do is try your best,
And all you can hope is that
The rest of the world tries that too

pray you don't bruise easily
And count away your latent anger
1,

2,

3.

And I bet you think that I sound meek
Well I probably do, I'm possibly beat, but
I refuse to be defeated by the hollow
Sad sound of sorrow.

So I'll count my bruises easily

So try to just get by
In peace

Cos you mustn't give to sad
And you shouldn't bow down to the
Bad **** that they play on that
Radio 'just for you'
See you shouldn't give in to sad.

Gotta refind a warm shoulder
Dry your tears
Spill your fears
Lean in and
Find your grin
Again.

I am weak
I'm sometimes meek
But, I'm not beat, because
I refuse to be defeated by the
Sad sound of sorrow,
I'm gonna hear the sun of
Tomorrow

drown that din

breathe in and try

You mustn't give in to sad
You shouldn't bow down to bad

*Just Breathe

As a new chapter
opens
And a new path
Appears
I need to know
Before we tred away
Together
That you were once mine
Completely
And I was once yours
Entirely
So that, should I ever look
Back without you ,

I knew that I was once loved
And I knew that you knew
That you were too.

Staring at a reflection
Watching for clues
Waiting for signals
But I'm never allowed to lose
Weight
Fat
No flat stomach left
And thin hairs mar
The one you're left with
Your body protrudes underneath your
Bra-line and
It makes you want to cry
Your butts still good
But you fearfully watch the
Jiggle of your thigh

Your body is all you've ever had
Your teeth are yellow and
Your hair loves to be bad
your nose is chipped and angled
Your skin mangled with spots and
Scars
Marred
Imperfect
Only the mirror makes you smile
But photos lack the style of
'Attractiveness'

You feel you can only look like you
In person

But now you have to search for the good
You know they would have you do that.
Okay, I like the practicality of my body.
Where I have stood, there has stood
Health, a wealth of love in
Laughter lines
I love the lines of my muscles
Count my contours,
Feel I'm fine when I breath in my
Cheekbones, hate the stress filled
Frown lines
Never forget the time I
Looked and found myself

Too thin
Too tired
Too wired up
To find myself
Too injured.

Never regret
And never forget
The point I realised
At least imperfect
Allows for 'happy'

I'll linger
Like the smell of ***
Like the taste of their breath
Their mark left in your mouth
And there I'll stay
In case I want to
Come again

All at once

I guess I really am quite good
At multitasking

I know what it'd be
There'd be earl grey and coffee
Bedtime and tea
And an old loved sofa
And there'd be you
And me
That's what we'd be

Two dogs by the hearthside
You'd hum sleepily
And there would be a fire
And photos in our farm
Our haven
By the sea
That's where we'd be

There'd be a rug by my feet
And I'd cook every night
And sometimes you'd drink
And sometimes we'd fight
And you'd always win
But I wouldn't mind
Because, most nights,
Some nights,
You'd lie beside me.

Settled
That's what we'd be.

Part of me likes what could be
But part of me has
Seen the inside of a tornado
And part of me
Loves in the heart of the sea

That part of me realises
That although you and I
Could be you
I would never now be me

So that future shall stay as
Just what could be.

I'm the closest to stable I'll ever be
And I'm still so *insecure

Useless
Toothless
Helpless

Can't give it
Can't take it
Might as well
Help less

Can't prevent him slipping
Into darkness
Can't stop her sinking
Into oblivion

Can't even help myself

Useless

I punched myself in the leg today
I had to stop the way
The voices were clamouring
In and outside
My head
I had to stop the dread
That's my problem
When it comes to the punch (haha)
All the voices come at once
Then
Overload

Then comes hate
Hate myself
Useless

The punch didn't even help
Wasn't worth it
It bought back something else

Never

Do

This

To

Yourself

Her hits would punctuate her words
Her cheeks reddening on each strike
She might as well have
Hit me
It hurt as much to watch.

her eyes locked in on mine

Darkly humorous really
That I was always so split

Between fear that he'd hit me
Fear that she'd hit herself
And always, always,
The fear that they'd leave
Because I'd made them
Want to once too much.

Faultless
Helpless
Useless
I was never truly innocent
Because the guilt was
Always mine

Kiss my lips;
I can't stand the taste of me
anymore.

I really need a squeeze
I want to crawl into someone's arms
I want to sit on someone's knees
I'd like to feel someone's breath
Their blood beating under skin
I want to make the gap between us
thin
Safe within
I would like to snuggle
Please.

I truly underestimated the power of a good ******

It's taken me a while to realise
but simple doesn't always mean happy
Back then was simple,
We were simple.
Two in love, the
other two in lust
It was nothing to make a fuss about
But We were simple
The rest of my life lay complex
So, your hands became my
escape route, your lips
a hiding place
And together we made a distraction
Just big enough to stop a ****, and
your hands became explorers
and together we mapped out
My naked body
Which, before you, I didn't think anybody
could want.
You made a tangled mind feel
Simple.
You made a scared child feel
Beautiful.

But I never let you really in,
never let you see, because
what I wanted to find in
you was me
dressed in simplicity.

And now that part of me is complex  
I've lost that group
That laughter
That lightness
But, what I have now,
Who I have now,
What it's made me
I wouldn't switch it for the world.
And
that choice, for mayhem,
That choice is simple.

I look around my home and
know I've made a place my own
Let me explain,
I've lived alone since aged 16, it's probably
better this way,
and I haven't felt regret, not now, not
Yet, hopefully never. Yes, pieces of pain and
bits and bobs of bitterness litter my hall,
I can't hoover it all, but
Regret? There was no point, there
was never another option.

So I've rearranged furniture, and I've
sulked in my room, I've cried, I've
wanted to die and I've lined up my
windowsill ready to watch snow.
I've watched lovers come and go, been
opened up, watched muck littered and
have thrown it all against the filled up
wall, wished mum's hoarding away.
I've stayed, this place is mine now.

And in the wreckage of my banishment
I've made a shelter of some sort and I've
guided others in, a brightly cluttered and warm
bin for troubles. I've sat them down and made
them doubles, sometimes they just want to talk
and sometimes they just want to sin,
usually they want arms which will allow them in
sometimes to wallow, and I've given
them a pillow and wished them to sleep.
I've watched people weep here.

And so my home becomes their's too.

I sniff and laugh
I've passed someone smoking ****

I've never been able to tell
the smell before, can't
Sniff
Smell
Tell
Well
Snort
Sort
Risk, a lingered puff.
I've always found it hard
to tell
when's enough
So I don't dar, but sometimes
I feel tempted to stare
into

simplicity.

We look like Tim Burton characters
In stature and mind.

Tell me a story, or I won't even blink,
I want you to take me to worlds that I
think I could find beauty in, places
to hide deep within like an inside
joke, or a laugh, or a path
to take into Neverland,
a bridge to Wonderland,
any land
as long as I can have you in it.

Tell me a story, fill my sinuses with stink,
I want to feel the ship I want to smell
the brink of desperation, to feel
a strange, secure, separation to
myself, filled with a wealth of
nonsense knowledge, take me
through foliage and laugh as I
bask in a seething sun,
come on, let's go, I crave fun.

Tell me a story, help me taste a
waste of time, I want to laugh a
rhyme and commit the crime
of uselessness and happiness and
bonkerness and silliness and fun
watch me run into a field of fantasies
tongue sampled teas and
smile at simplicities'
sanctuary.

Tell me a story, and allow me to touch
a part of your mind you let
locked away, darling, parent, sibling,
quibbling cognitive miser
tell me a story and you'll end up
wiser for knowing it, for imparting
it, let's party it and part with the
sweetest words of goodness,
I could hear from you

To be **continued

So, I want to make them happy
with me
with themselves

But I think I'm a bit **** at it

Like a mother picking up scattered
toys, there's always another piece of
lego to step on, always another
stubborn stain, and whilst
clearing you have to
activate your brain
because any
moment
they
might
trip and hurt
themselves again.

And if they do, you know, irrationally, that
in yourself you'll find the blame.
You're really trying not to show the strain,
because it won't help,
it won't heal, instead
rub your very bruised heel and
steel yourself for the next storm, recall
the times you've thought I can't go
on
and remember that you did.

Don't kid yourself, the
kids are alright
and you are too, allow
yourself to be one too.

Youth, after all,
is in the mind.

Try, for yourself,
for them,
Be kind.

then you're really ******* important.

I admit it,
I'm a little bit scared,
Because I can think ahead
Because I can imagine
Imagine what might
happen.

There's a message in my
notifications and it fills me
with a thrill, it's only been
about a month but I miss you
still.
We were so weirdly inseparable.

I press, depress the key and wait,
await my fate.
Here's a possibility:

I slept with someone else, it's over,
I'll miss you.

I'll admit, if it happens, I'll
feel a little mad, and more
than hugely sad, because
You'd do it
because you'd think

it'd do me good to lose you.

If this happens I'll lose more
than just you.
You yourself are more than 'you'.

So for now,
I'm a little bit scared
to blink or think,
because each moment
seems too *******
**fleeting

When did you first say "I love you"?
Don't worry, I won't care, I'm just
wondering...who first saw you bare?
Did you ever used to play with her hair
like you play with mine, did she
ever look at you, like I do, and just
think "He Shines" like nothing else matters.
Did your hearts patter as you physically
joined.
I won't be mad, I know you've had others, so
have I, it won't make me sad, but
I'm curious,
when did you first say "I love you"?

And did she ever brand your skin, were
you ever just a bit too rough, did you
accidentally wriggle within and make her feel
like she wasn't enough?
We've made mistakes, in the past, so
tell me quick, tell me fast, I hope we'll last,
but what made your past ones
imperfect?
and when did you first say "I love you"?

Because it's the quirks which make the mirth,
did you ever make her laugh, did you force
her lips to part when she told you to leave her.
How much did you grieve her? Do you still
do? And when you watched her leave, when
she watched you plead, did you mentally
whisper "I love you."

And when did you first mean, when did you first say,
"I love you"?

Pitter Patter on the window pane
I know your mind will never be the same
***** girl, you'll think you are to blame
Do you hear me knocking on your window pain?

You are insane now
You dance with flame now
I clothe your skin in sweat

Your eyes pierced tamed now
You're slain now

But I am not done yet
My stain
I am not done yet

Scoop you out and
Carve you up then throw
Away what's left

YUM YUM

I AM NOT DONE YET

Ha Ha Ha
I bet you're confused
I feel that you're bruised
Don't think that I'm done yet

Don't waste yourself
You're blessed

Stab my stomach
Cut my brain
Just admit, you'd
Do the same.

You filled a space I didn't know I had
A long body curling up against my own
A single bed
Now holds two

A tentative hope
Now holds two

A fearful clarity
Two peas

My hands gaps were only lines once
And now I'm in a jigsaw
And you take up half the ***

And everything is empty
Because only you can fill the space you've made within me

Upon her head
                                   It broke
                                              To coat their
                                   Trainers with
                                               A membrane's yolk
                                    She's brok
                                                              En now
                                     Token
                                            Inability to see
                        Anonymities

      
                                          Clarity.

Let me in, Door with Teeth
Cast a net inside the reef
That I'll find
Life line timed
I'm boxed to stray
Admit to me why
Stay
Pray for Solace

A immodest

So tell me what should I have done
To be different
So tell me what I'd have won
If I'd been different

If I had worked harder I'd be dead
I'd have floated away and
They would have said
"She should have told us"
If I had worked harder I'd be dead.

So, don't be offended,
I think I might be better off as I am.

Cos when you're
Wearing a short skirt
And I have too much
Makeup on
You sometimes just
Can't help to feel like
You've never felt so strong.

So tell what I should have done
When they told me to take it off
Well I know now
What I should have I said
I should of told 'em to
"Just, *******."

But instead I'd whimper simper
Not dare look them in the eye
Why should I care? I know
Profanity is determined by 'some guy'

And who should care for profanity, in our
Society insanities considered
Just
A fact.

Why should I have to feel I lack,

I think I might be better off as I am.

So Daddy never loved me enough
Tough ****
And Mummy never drank enough
But her partner did

And I never sank enough
To be seen legit
But I guess
I'll get over it

Cos in the end
Yes
At the end

See at the end
So ******* what?

There's no point to it
If there ain't no good in it.

He bore down and
Arching over her
A single holding hand cupped against
Her waiting skin
let me in
God's first kiss
She waited
Lips parted tentative
As he waited on the brink
God will let me think
Waiting
A weighted silence
Baiting
dip
Press against her lips
let me in
God's only sin

Sink

And when he pulled out
Slipped away
Her lips weren't normal dry
And inside a part of him was left
Behind
Dyed forever

Red and Eternal

I know you're not meaning to, but
you're really starting to make me feel, well,
less than beautiful.
Unattractive,
unappealing.
Irrational thought I know, because
16 years of dance at least
means I'm concealing a good ***.
Also, if you were done, it'd
feel done.
You wouldn't stroke my thigh
or let me sigh when you stand
to curl over me.
I know your body wants me.

But your mind is starting to freak me out.

The love is there, but I'm too
aware of a platonic fall,
please take me all. Take me.
I shouldn't need physical justification,
but I want it,
I want you.

I want to feel all of you again,
go back to when I helped you map out
the inside of my skin, let
you break within
Know me nights cos I can
leave your skin soaked in
Devil's tears
I want you to misspend my years
or
I fear I will regret them.

So, please know me again.
I can promise an ****** is
generally better than a youtube video.

That I'd probably rather die in a corner
Than make a 'fuss' in the middle, and survive.

Your head resting upon my shoulder,
supple boulder
I lie, beholden to you.

You kiss can erase
Everything
everything
exams, dates, rates
Late
late
Late
Take it all and seal it in
with a brush of your
lips on my
forehead
Everything chaos
before I wasn't led
by you.
Said by you.
Saved by you.
Laid with you.

I think I could be whole now.