She cleared out your toys,
dropped them
one by one,
into the black plastic
bag, you
couldn't make the
effort to feel
sad.
Not anymore.

The man she'd brought
looked at you
imploringly, he
apologised to
the blankness of
your eyes,
you can't remember
caring,
as your teddy
bears were shoved,
staring, into
darkness.

You just didn't care.

She blamed you,
of course,
everything was
somehow your
fault; books,
dirt,
dogs,
divorce.
It was always you.
Although you tried,
you always
believed she
told true.

It was always you.
Why was it
always
always
you.

I danced as though Everyone watched.
Threw myself into movement;
Offered everything up to the God's...
A Human Sacrifice.
I offered them my blood
Flung my arms, my legs,
my head, torso and also
my mind into an
abyss of feeling.
I offered Everything.

The Audience was an opponent,
a challenger waiting
whilst I stood panting in
the wings.
I knew I'd have to fight them
with everything,
my glance retaliation
as I swept past them and
Danced.

Danced on,
danced with everything
Danced.
It was all that mattered.

Everyone was all that mattered.

That small speck of person
that filled an auditorium
with their presence.
Someone to watch,
to understand
the longing reach of
the turned up hand in
my choreography.
Someone who I knew would
feel empathy, because they
knew me.

Because I knew they loved me.

They do love me,
but they didn't come.

Once again Fate, you *******,
won.
The worst thing is, I knew it
would end up like this.
I knew, but for
once I wanted not to end up
Disappointed.

'Something' always comes up,
'Something' always ***** up along
the line, to mean that No-one
turns up on time,

or not at all.

No one saw me, No one at
all.
I danced to empty seats,
danced to the beat of an
absent heart, danced to the
hope that, at the end, the crowd
would part to show me
You

Everyone

But they didn't, and once again
I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.

No point,
My Fate lies in disappointment.

When people talk to me
They open up themselves.
Each petal a tale, a memory,
A life.
De-railed by acceptance
They find themselves unfurling to reveal
the worm
Inside their pollen
The speckled taint curled within their seed.
A sign of imperfection
A weakness
Insecurity
To me it adds to their beauty
It makes them seem
complete.

Blossom before me,
And you'll never lose my love.

I am alone.

I am alone in my bed,
raindrops hitting with a steady
thump against the sill
and ledge.

It's time to dredge up memories

I am alone my room,
a dark cloud of gloom hangs
like christmas lights tight around me.
Choking me.

suffocate on silence

I am alone in this flat,
a distinct lack of family frolic
within the halls. Their absence
is spat in your face.

fill yourself with hate

I am alone in my head,
and it fills me with dread,
wishing me to break down

s l o  w       do       w n

give up

stop

Instead
I will keep going
Reach out with invisible arms
and grab invisible strings
which connect invisible things and take me to a
voice
A face
Some words
A case full of people who
will listen
will love
will like
will accept
won't shout
won't clout

I won't

be alone

The memories become only silent scars
The silence will be stopped
The hate will ebb away
The thoughts are only thoughts

I felt more alone when surrounded by those
in my past,
then am now, alone, but on
a path lined with people.

I am not alone.
They will not let me be,
because all they want of me
is
me.

Shoot up with Ink,
Take off the edge,
allow it to float you
down off the ledge
of destruction.

Instead place yourself
in reconstruction,
go on,
change it all;

Skin
Words
Thoughts

This drug may crawl you back to freedom

First the skin, cut to within
Slithers of scratches
Skim over your arm
doing just enough harm
To Ensure you're alive
Yet this pen's marks are
harmless enough
that they can only reach inside through your mind

You're sure to survive
you must never cut deeper
A needless nicotine patch
for a virginal physical self-harmer
Cut yourself Calmer

Here come the words,
allow verbs, vowels and nouns
to sound their way out
Say things you wish you'd said
Type things you want to shout
Find the door and safety lock
and force your way
bound out

You are Alone
but for whispered, mouthed and subtle
tone of Freedom

Relish and Revel
Search your way to hell
out here
Find the things so close,
so near,
you couldn't see them if you
tried,
they hide behind the ink.
Blink, they're gone,
splattered in the lyrics
to a lifelong song,
branded.

How could something so true, be wrong?

Allow your thoughts to be free,
be you, be me
See everything
Feel all,
Stall as you wait for the buzz to fade
You can never be sated with this
Something you can't recall
but you must always miss.

Addictions scarring, marring and barring
words always a
kiss
away from overdose,
it's so close you can taste it
Feel it's breath

When you put the pen
down

You can only feel

Bereft,
so test yourself again
Find the mental vein and
slice it open

Feel the pain of truth
Open the roof of your skull
and allow the clock to fall
Ticking
to silence
Violent peace
Calm chaos

Hyperbole
Alliteration
Oxymoronic
Nouns
Verbs
Words
Words
­Words
Think
ThInk
hInk
Ink

Ink
InkInk
InkInkInk
InkInkInkInk
InkInk

Lying awake, I never know what to do,
when my mind is strewn with wishes
yet my body's only wish is rest.
It's like I'm testing my ability of control
my ability to stall
nature's course.

Of course I'll give in soon.

Of course.

Soon I'll give myself up to me,
and I'll force myself again to see
unendurable things.

The truth is always the worst.

But first I shall wait,
I shall force and
I shall stall.

and fitfully hope my mind
won't be
too cruel.

dearest mind, please, be kind...

Sleep.

I Love You*
the words are worn yet foreign
on my tongue,
I have never told it
quite this way
before.

You're my first.

I think you'll find
That this is my mind
I'm not your toy
I'll not fall for your ploy
of wiping my brain
You'd not complain if I lost it
I'm not a bit amused
I refus to be abused by
Manipulation
Your ******'s frustration
You'll not **** my soul like Mary's
Don't penetrate my morals with mockeries
I am my own
Who I love will be my choice
my neighbour,
whether girl or boy,
I'll love if I choose.

Wouldn't I be a joy in
your clockwork congregation
Pity, I refuse to turn my fear
of Life into Faith,
in sublimation.

The blade cuts deep and
Clean into yielding flesh
Blood pours, red as sorrow, and
Leaves my body as I do
Ready to start afresh

Stop

It's not like that,
It has never been like that.

Your mother's kitchen knife,
So loved for making soup,
Is brought up to your wrist
Judders, twists only just scratches.

You have to try again.
A network of scratches.
You press the blade,
The metal,
The rusting onion destroyer
Back down.
This time, it works.
You find yourself sawing at yourself,
The cut is uneven
And messy.

Your body is screaming, and
So are you.
Not with pain of life but with
Pain of death.

You can only blame yourself.

And no release is found,  no gentle tumble into peace,
The pain rips through you, consumes you, you're crying, sobbing
Like a child.
You feel like one too.
You want your mum,
Your dad,
Your dog,
Your siblings and
All the friends you insisted you didn't have.

You need them with you, but you decided to push them away.
You decided not to ask for help.
You decided you wanted to be lost
Dramatic
Alone
You decided...that you wanted to 'give up'

Giving up is turning out harder than you thought.

The tears have fallen onto your cut and it stings,
Your arm smells of onion,
You suddenly think of her face lit up with love
As she pours you a bowl,
You laughed at a joke as
You buttered your bread,
You laughed...

"I haven't properly laughed in years"

You realise that was only last week.
For someone who's been 'imitating' life, the
Memory is surprisingly real.
You realise she'll never be the same again.
You realise you'll never laugh again.
Or taste,
Or smell,
Or see
The room starts to stink of
***,
You've ****** yourself with fear.
Do you think your 'oblivion' is near yet, my poor deluded dear?'

It's not.
Blood is dribbling out as you think,
You feel yourself shutting down
One by one.
You want to run away,
From what you've done,
What you've started.

But you can't.

You want the pain to stop
But you can't move anymore,
You're shaking with fear of what's
In store for you...

There's more to happen to you.

Your mum has found you.
She screams at the blood,
The mess,
At you.
You look grotesque, but
She still holds you.
Calls an ambulance, clutches you,
Shouts desperately in your ear.

You can hear her, but
You can't answer
You want to talk to her
Tell her you're sorry,
That you're scared,
That you love her
that it's not her fault*
You want a lot of things,
But the selfish do not always win...
You're realising that.

She can't hear you,
She blames herself, her
Skin is greasy with
Blood that will never clear:
Your blood.
Her baby's,
Her child's.

The blood so near to her's
Half hers,
You can practically taste her tears.
The room now stinks of fear

The ambulance is filled with light,
You watch as they fight
For the life you threw away
They plunge a needle in as
You silently start to pray,
Drifting in and out of consciousness...it seems too late to stay.

Your heart hammers,
Your rattling breath stammers out and
Your pulse shakes as
You frantically try to stay awake

You are too late.

And there is nothing
No eternal bliss
Nor the black velvet of death's embrace
Not even folded silence

There is nothing,
No light,
No love
And no laughter.

In the end they didn't lose you...
You lost them.

By succeeding

You lost.

Keep going,
when the world is cold and dark,
and you're still unsure of where
to park your heart

Keep going,
when demons whisper in your ear,
and blur the path and
make your way unclear

Keep going,
when existing drags you down,
when you dream of sinking
without a sound into

unheard darkness

Keep going,
there is no good down there.
Happiness may be something that
catches you unaware,
you never know,
just how much you can grow.

Keep going,
because there is care up here;
emotions that will snag and
tear on the hole that you leave
Behind.

I'm sorry that life is not kind.

Keep going,
because, selfishly, I need you.
I need you
I need you

I didn't want to, but I do.
Because no one else is capable of being you.

We're hot-boxing music
And the Beat is pumping in me
Through me
raw pure power
Ripping through to my brain
From the outside
Hammering the internal
drums of my mind.
Beat me
Own me
Use me
There is none bar me
and Music. Vibrations pour
into my body and soul
The fragments of Movement
The Essence of Emotion, old as
time, and evil
as Sin.

It's been here since the beginning,
and now is in this car.

Breath catches
Snatched away
Hidden from lungs
for two whole days.

Company's good, but
Lonesome brings pain
Seek camouflage alone in
The rain.

Looking for comfort
but who the hell cares?
College is noise, loud boys
and glares.

People look to unload
Upon you their stuff,
not knowing that you already
have had quite enough.

Feeling fatigue
Teachers all laugh
"If you're really this lazy
how are you going to pass"

Chest lights flame
and head hurts like hell
Counting the hours
until there goes the bell.

Going to dance
to search for release
You weren't to know,
it now only brings grief.

Everything hurts,
***** are too large.
Your back feels the strain
as you stumble adage.

Everyone brings pity
but no one brings hope
and those who don't know
keeping chucking you rope.

I won't give up,
I refuse to give in
I'll staple once more
to my mouth a grin.

Repeat the mantra
alone in your head
Try to stay afloat,
rebirth the undead.

You can do it,
you've done it before.
At least this time,
you know not to ignore
Yourself

Think First About Your Health.

I'm such a stupid, ******* ****.
I can't even understand the scraps of bits,
filtered down to me in pointless,
yet so joyful, years.
I am literally straining both my ears,
but nothing seems to work
Instead of elegance, I can only ****
My body on broken strings,
Muscled, contoured body caving in,
with the effort of outside fighting within.
Everything is now designed to aesthetically bounce,
rather than glide, sweat glistening with
shattered pride,
I'm desperate to ride this one way trip again,
Feel it all again
Be me again.

I used to perform with ease
The lightest leaf balancing on the breeze
of a blood layered toe.
No one was to know of injury but
me.
Who seemed to others to be
Perfection
But now all I can see is a tainted reflection
of what I once was.
What I once had.

My elegance is stolen from me,
leaving me littered with normality.
Ballet Dancer no more.
Years of Blood and Gore,
leave nothing but a memory
A grainy DVD
A well preserved shoe.
The art form that I stuck to like skin to super glue
is gone.
And, to be honest, I don't know how to go on without it.
I never truly stopped to doubt it.

Ripped from me
Stripped from me
Leaving me bare,
leaving me confused and scared.

I feel desolate without it.

I'm in dire need of
An I.V full of tea.

Hook me up.

And so I'm curled up in your
Old t-shirt, wishing I
Could hold you.
My something blue,
My something borrowed from
Our platonic whole,
You'll always be the one that I
Call: mine.
Because I'll always be yours,
Come rain or shine.
Come anything.

I'm yours.

There is a pressure in someone needing you,
a pressure many of you will know.
It's the expectancy that you can bring to
them, some otherworldly glow.
Even though you feel your own light dimmed,
they still wish for you to help them with theirs,
unaware that others face issues too.

Sometimes you need escape, from
everyone and everything.
Sometimes you need...normality. Sometimes.

What can I give you?
You're busy, well, I'm busy too,
busy-ness and stress are not things
specific only to you.

There is only so much I can do.
When I have work, and
family and
friends and I haven't
seen Dad in weeks and
everything is laying
once again in tatters, as always,
but never mind because all that
matters is that there
is always that
one last thing to
mend.

That one thing.
Sometimes it's me,
sometimes it's a boy or girl,
sometimes it's a friend
or a loved one
or an unfixable object.

Sometimes, darling, it's you.

You have no idea how much I want to help you.

I'm trying. Give me that.
Fine, I ****** up, but
I'm human too.
I'm imperfect and selfish, but
so is everyone,
including you.

I am no angel, you thought
too much.
I have fought, and will continue
to fight on your side, but I'll
not abide you placing on
me so much pressure,
I cannot always be the cheshire
cat of smiles, cannot always be
lost, cannot always be drifting.
Sometimes I'm just tired, over worked
but happy.
Which isn't so bad to be.

I don't like people seeing me weak,
I detest the fact that I turn
so meek at the mere sight of
people.
I don't want you to pity me.

I want you to be my friend.
You are my friend,
I've given you my trust,
why can't you see how tough
that was to give?
I'm not about to give up on you,
so don't give up on me.

I enjoy spending time with you,
love laughing at your jokes,
messing with your gelled up hair
and thinking that, for a couple of minutes,
I took away the cares that bothered you.

You cannot disbelieve that which is true.

Darling, sometimes I need space,
I need sleep and peace, with
no pressure to be perfect.
Sometimes I cancel plans, but
there is always a reason, a valid excuse,
and I would rather I
didn't turn to find abuse for this.

When I've had to go to a funeral and,
for once, would like someone near at
night, which recently has caused me fright to be alone,
the right response is
to wish for my boy to be near.

So I did. I told you. I felt bad.

I feel sad that you're aching,
but everybody hurts.

After a bonfire, when I
can't get back til late, and
I feel tired and weighted down
with aches and bruises, I tend
to lose my wish to hitchhike
home, so that I can feel bad
for feeling sleepy.
So I can feel bad for keeping
you waiting.

In that moment, all I want is
coffee, and near
friends and tea.

Whatever you wanted me to be,
it wasn't human.
It wasn't me.

Fine, I'm ****,
I'm a ***** and
a ***, and obviously
don't care at all, but after
all these years I have the
***** to say something to
your face (well..computer screen).

Don't you dare erase me.
Not after all of this.

I'm dyslexic, naturally
disorganised, my sense of
time and calendar is catastrophic and
I'm forever full of work and
dance and sleep.

But you're going to keep me,
please,
because I don't deserve to be
ditched.

If you don't agree, then you're the *****.

My mind is alight with the science of
philosophy, and psychology.
Words skitter through a brain
filled with
matter,
lightness and
dark.
The sparks of ideas start
to flicker with a sparkling start.

There is fire in my head.

It's dancing red, and blue, with heat
As Ideas greet and meet,
merging with unsuppressed joy of
freedom of thought
The ideas that they wrought made of
soft iron, unlike stone, it
lies malleable and warm
to touch.

My mind is full of muchness and
must
Grow and
Learn and
Play, to and further,
than the end of my days.

There are no walls here.
No boundaries of dread hang near,
ready to clutch me.
Within my concepts I am free

Memories and body,

far away from me.
I can only be human within my frame.
I am free of responsibilities, snipped
from processes of blame...
you cannot judge within here
Where everything is far too clear
to be
Simplified in black and white.
Why do people say go into the light?
Because there's safety in certainties,
but once in the dark
the starkness of reality is clothed
in cloth
not morals, but mechanics.
Softer, less ugly to probe and feel.

It isn't always so simple judging just
what's real.

I'm having an attack
and I don't know who to
call.
I don't know if I'll
ever break down
these walls of
social insecurity.
"Who would want to listen to me?"
Listen to me ramble,
and scramble for
footholds.
Watch me fold in
on myself,
shelfing mentally the
moment
the date
the weight of this
particular distress.

Give me a minute,
I'll just compress it.

Target 1: learn to admit
when you need help.

There is anger in your eyes.
Instability
when you look at me
I fear for my safety,
we both know what
you could do.

What you are capable of.

In these moments
your eyes are incapable of
love.
All I can do is look
above me, into
your face
and pray you do
not erase me.

You could.

We both know it.
If it had ever gone to blows,
who knows what
could have happened?
I honestly don't know,
and so, I sunk
low into the ground
when you glared.

I thought I could tame you,
through the rare times you were
scary
and the times in which you
laughed,
it was always a shame when
those moments passed.

Hello Mr Hyde
where is Mr Jeckll?
Allow me to laugh along
as you heckle me
and my family,
stand alongside me
and taunt me.

No one's going to stop you.
What could they do?

They thought me safe,
within your embrace.
The only one in our 'family'
who could calm you,
they all 'knew' that I loved you.

And I did.

You were everything.
Absolutely everything.

After all, you stayed.
You played along with
my childish whims,
you made me grin and laugh,
helped me plan my path
of dependence on you.

I thought that, as I grew,
you'd stay.
I thought you could be constant.
Apparently not.

You helped to start this rot,
began the knot in my stomach.
You took my breath away,
leaving me to choke on air
all too aware of my fragility,
all too incapable of stability.

Every one appears as you.
Everybody new.
Even if I trust them,
I still can't shake the feeling
that they're not going
to hang about.
Always worry they're about
to shout.
Always thinking I'm about to
accidentally shut them out
in panic.

You were far too manic.
Mood changing
rearranging our lives
at the drop of a hat.
Bat us out of the way,
scream until we sway
with your force.

In so many ways, I am lucky for that divorce.

If you hurt him
I will hunt you down
through the ground, dirt, even
to the grave.
There is no rock I would not raise
in search of vengeance,
if you hurt him.

And if you hurt her
There will never be a place
whence you can race to hide.
You'd be safer off with suicide
with your chances of escape.
If you hurt her.

And even then, I'd scrape up
your DNA, clone you, resurrect and
ensure that you pay for your crimes.

My Family
My Friends
My loved one's pain
shall never end with
dissatisfaction.

Hurt someone I love, and
you'll never find freedom again.

You have been warned.

I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what I can do
It doesn’t matter, I don’t care
I can no longer dare
To give a **** about my
Future plans, as the
Sands of time prepare to
Drop a deadline on my head
The shattered glass stabbing
Me as I lay in bed
Attempting to sleep
Attempting to keep
My mind together
This time.

Whenever it sorts itself out
(cos I can’t try any more)
I shall scream with open joy
I sing from my very core

That I’m happy

***** in your court world.