Somedays I break down
and somedays I cry
somedays the nights are hard
and somedays I don't stand up

Sometimes I can't hold it
and sometimes it hurts
sometimes the void gets bigger
and sometimes I can't get out

One day I will show you me
and one day I will be honest
One day I will be honey and glass
and one day you will see it

I know you, you´re like this
I know it´s not on me
but somedays I just wish
I just wish to make you happy

Because you make me happy
and I know it´s not on me
but somedays I just wish
I just wish you didn´t

So I will try my very best
and I know it´s not on me
but somedays I just wish
I just wish we were happy

It feels like I´m suffocating
being oppressed by my mind
so I will hideaway
till it gets better

And if I tell myself long enough
maybe I will believe it
and I will drown these demons
but I´ll drown with them

Please let me breathe
I wanna feel
but I am too afraid
of what will be

My voice breaks
and tears begin to fall
and for your own sake
I will build this wall

And when the night sets in
these walls break down
I can feel it under my skin
when no ones around

I want to be high
so I don't need to think
dissolve into the sky
please hand me the drink

This Girl
made of honey and glass
Her hair
like flowers in the grass

This Girl
which laugh is a delight
Her smile
like the sun so bright

This Girl
tastes like cigarettes and wine
Her eyes
believe it´s the way they shine

This Girl
scared in the dark at night
Her Heart
once broken but ready to fight

I am a girl
a girl from the city
I am loud and noise
I speak my mind

You are a boy
a boy from town
you are quite and calm
you hide your mind

So I spoke my mind
and you weren't afraid
you spoke back
I was the one surprised

and since that day
you were the one
and you may be the boy
the boy from town

and since that day
I found the one
and I may be the girl
the girl from the city

bur right now
there is no  you and me
there is no city or town
there is just us

And I think I love you
But I don't ever think I can
Ever learn how to love just right
So run away from me
Run as far as your Dark brown eyes can see
Just as soon as you know
-Matt Maeson-

And I think I love you
Which is what scares me
because you are good
and I am me
I am bad at love
and I will always be

But I don´t ever think I can
tell you that I do
because I won´t believe
believe you do it to
since nobody ever will
at least I think this way

Ever learn how to love just right
because I love too much
and then to little
I push you away
to let you back in
it is how I am

So run away from me
or I will do
and then I stop
because I love you
and I hate you
with every inch of my body

Run as fast as your Dark brown eyes can see
those beautiful eyes
which I fell for
once and then twice
the way the shine
it drives me crazy

Just as soon as you know
how difficult it will be
how I cry in the night
and the things I don´t like
how I laugh when I´m scared
and cry once I´m mad

This song puts it in words
the things  I can´t say
The constant fear I hold
The fear of you and me
The fear what may be

I loved him so much
And he loved me
But sometimes love isn't enough

When the fire distinguishes
And your left behind with ashes
Sometimes letting go hurts less

But we let go
And it hurts
It hurts more than before

And everything around me
It makes me think of him
And it feels like I forgot
Forgot how much we meant

And I can it feel it in my chest
My heart longing for him
But we both know
It was right to end it

But that doesn't make it easier
Because this feeling it won't go
And it hurts
A real physical pain

It feels like my heart is being torn apart
Like I could have a heart attack any second
But the worst thing about it is
I wouldn't even mind if my heart stopped

Your voice feels so soothing
I could listen all day and night
You make me smile and forget
because you give me this feeling

I like the way you think about me
you believe that I´m strong
brave and have a good heart
don´t you ?

That´s why I´ll hide it
my fears and the pain
the moments I don´t smile
cause´ I don´t want you to go


But if you would see me
see me trough my eyes
you would see, I am weak
and you would leave

I lost myself in the nightsky
scaring me with it´s creatures
and found a stranger in the sunrise
blinding me with it´s shine

and the red sky left me stained
hiding my true colors
it was when the ocean turned purple
and the sky began to cry

soaking me with it´s odor
washing away my fragrance
that the reflection in the ocean
showed a stranger in me

So scared of the night I hid myself
becoming the spectator of my life
watching without interacting
silently in the back of my mind

I lost myself in the night
fearing it´s monsters
but the shine of the moon
brought me back

and as the sun rised
I finally saw
I was the monster
all along

Pinch me
Because this must be a dream
And I am so scared to wake up

Because I don't want to lose you
And I want to satisfy you
I wanna make you happy
I wanna be everything you ever wanted

So you will never let me go
Thank you for existing
Thank you for being with me

I love you
But I will never understand how you can love me
I will never believe that you do
Because i don't understand
How someone as pure and beautiful like you

Can love something so damaged and broken like me
I do not deserve you
But in this dream you are with me
I hope it never ends

I can feel it in my chest
my heart is longing for you
You are wandering through my head
And I just can't stop thinking about you

You want me to obey
You want me to listen
You want me to be yours

But are you mine ?
You have to give to take
As the saying goes
there's no rainbow without the rain

And my heart is aching
I feel pain
And sadness
I want to run
As far as my brown eyes can see

Away from you
Because you absorb me
And I wonder
Who am I
without you

I am bad at love
Love too little
Or too much

I always make the same mistakes
I wonder
Are you worth the pain
Am I worth the pain

when something tragic happens
people are there for us
they go with us through the break up
through death and pain
but with depression it is diffrent

because it doesn´t end
but people get sick of hearing
you are not fine

they want to see you recover
but I can´t
Depression is not a sickness you can get over

It follows you around
like a cloud blocking the sun
and now and then rain will pour down
and it will all come crashing in

It´s the never ending feeling of pain
of panic
of nothing

and then I feel bad
and I´ll self-pity myself
and now I feel so stupid
because there are people
people who have it worse

and here I am
drowning in self-pitiness

but that is exactly what depression feels like

It feels like I am drowning
while everyone else is breathing just fine

It feels like the fear you have when you miss a step
but you never reach the ground
so the fear won´t go away

It feels like ropes tie you down
you can not move
can not stand

I can not do anything
do anything right

and all I want is this to end
but the only solution seems so hard to procide
not even that, I can do

I am not doing good
but no one wants to hear about it
because it has been to long
without improvment
so I´ll just fake it
maybe if I tell myself long enough
I am fine
I will be

2015
christmas eve
The day we met

I immediately fell in love
in love with your sparkling blue eyes
your straight blonde hair
your beautiful hands

March
2015

we kiss
it felt like all I ever wanted
I loved you more than anything else

It were those little things that made us so special
the way I always waved you goodbye
every day when you left

I remember the one time I didn´t
It felt like my heart was being torn apart
I run outside
not wearing shoes or socks
but I just couldn´t let you go
without telling you
I love you

I screamed your name
and jumped into your arms
it was the way you swang me around
in the dark
that made me love you

It was the way we layed on the playground
in the nighttime
just the two of us
looking into the sky
you holding me close
inside your arms
that made me love you

It was the way you stopped
in the middel of the sidewalk
to go back holding the door open for a pizza men
that made me love you

It was the way you always looked at me
right after we kissed
right before you told me
told me you loved me
the sparkle in your eyes
the kidness
that made me love you

February
2016
we broke up

January
2018
Birthday party
I arrive
You were already there

I still remember the tasted of your kiss
nicotine and beer
and we kissed
all night long

March
2018
we hug
and tell each other
that we love the other one
but it isn´t the right time

you go
and once more
I wave goodbye as you leave
but this time
you do not turn around.

Sometimes I wonder

do you think of me
when you hear the song
the song that played when we first kissed
the song that we danced to

do you think of me
when you smell my perfume
the perfume that I left at your home
the perfume that I wore when we first met

do you think of me
when you hear my name
the name my mother gave me
the name you whispered in my ear

because I do
I skip our song because it takes me back
I have flashbacks when I smell your perfume
I avoid saying your name because it tears me apart

but I don´t think about you anymore
I just remember
because I learned
learned it is the past

It beginns
Hands are starting to shake
palms are sweaty
shivering, freezing, sweating
It´s cold, then hot

Focus on your breath
in and out
in and out

don´t move
don´t scream
don´t ask for help
don´t call your mother, or sister
don´t call anybody
just sit
quiet

panic
illusional fear
mortal agony

cry
continue

stand up
grab the razor blades
breathe
in and out
in and out

focus
don´t call for help
they wouldn´t understand
You are the only one who can help yourself

breathe
in and out
IN AND OUT
faster
panic
panic
panic

cry
cry
survive

20 minutes pass.

the body can only panic for 20 minutes.
You survived

end.

Worthless
the way I feel
Worthless
the way others made me feel
Worthless
the way I try to improve
Worthless
the way others ruined my progress
Worthless
the way to continue fighting
Worthless
the way others told me to give up

Worthless
to keep living this way
Worthless
to keep bringing me down
Worthless
to keep listening to what they say
Worthless
to keep changing for others
Worthless
is NOT who I am

You are like a shooting star
so beautiful, it makes you happy
yet so illusional it makes you mad.

You could possibly make me happier
happier than anybody else
but at the same time you make me angry
you make me mad, you make me go insane

becaue even tho´ I know the words you say are true
I don´t want to hear them
because it scares me how good you know me
how well you understand me

believe me when I say you are special
the way you think
you talk
you act

And you will always hold a special place in my heart
the problem with you is that you know me
but you don´t know yourself
or maybe you do
but then you are lying to yourself

you created yourself a different reality
but you will never accept that
because even tho´you are good in nearly everything
accepting the truth is not your strength

I know you will also never accept your beauty
but let me tell you
you got the most beautiful eyes I´ve ever seen
the most kindful hands I ever touched
and the loveliest mind I could find.

I hope you find happines in yourself.

I really like yogurt.

I don´t think you understand
understand how important you are to me
You say it doesn´t matter
it´t not that important

but it is.

Because I feel like we are drifting apart
like I don´t even know you anymore
we used to be so close
like yin and yang
you were the better part of me

in my darkest times you were there
you would show me the light to fight for
you were the light to fight for
you are.

I am scared
Because that feels like it is in the past
I miss you.

I miss the nights we talked about the world
and the ones we didn´t talk at all
because it wasn´t necessary
because we didn´t need words

I miss your laugh
and how we danced to our favorite songs
in our home
in calella
just everywhere

Because thats how we are
we didn´t care what the world would think
because we didn´t need them
we had us

I miss the way you made me smile
the way we couldn´t stop laughing
or crying

I miss you here
because without you it´s so empty
I hope you miss me too.

Please come back.

I like books
the way the pull me out of reality and into the story
the way you can truly feel what the character is feeling
the way you can decide how you imagine the atmosphere

Once I tried writing a book
I mean I love to write
and I guess I always will
but I never finshed the book
I just couldn´t decide for an ending

I guess it´s the same in reality
I have problems making decisions
I like to think of every possible outcome
just to run away before it ends

maybe I am to scared to see the end
because I want it to continue forever
and now I am asking myself
am I still talking about my never ending book
or my life

I guess I´ll never find out
because in the end
I will run
and run
away from the end
and into the past
repeating my mistakes.

Do I love too quick I asked myself
as his lips pressed onto mine

Do I love him I asked myself
while losing myself in his eyes

Do I deserve his love I asked myself
after he left and I was alone again

Does he even love me I asked myself
when I wake up at night, laying in his arms

Do I even know what love is I asked myself
once I noticed I thought about him

Do I just need someone I asked myself
the moment I realised my mind drifted of to the past

Do I want to be loved I asked myself
until I noticed that I already knew the answer.

Today you will let go of him
I told myself
but it´s nothing you can decide

You can´t just stop feeling
You can´t just stop thinking

I thought I would never be able to let you go
I thought your sent would have staint me forever

But it was till the moment I saw you again
first it broke my heart how you  smiled so easily without me
how you  acted like nothing ever happend
but then I understood
You wear my key to happiness
but in fact the key opened an illusion

I became someone I wasn´t just for you to like me
you never fell in love with me
you fell in love with what I became
which was nothing but your sidekick
boosting your ego and showing me off

so now I understood why you never cared
and never will
because you fell in love with being loved
but you didn´t thought it was necessary to show love back

You took away my voice
but the day I saw you again I got it back
because I could finally tell myself that I would have been worth it
and that I am not the reason you walked away
because you never walked in to begin with.

Today I gaint my voice back
and I can finally say your name.

I know
I know I handeld things the wrong way
I know I ****** up
and I knew it all along

and yes I could have changed it
and I wanted to
but in this very second I didn´t knew how

I know I am not a good person
and maybe I will never be
I know I hurt you
and I am sorry

I will try to change
I know it won´t change the past
and it will never repear it

but I have to change
because I know I am bad
I know the ugliness inside

and I wish I wouldn´t see it
I don´t know why
maybe to protect myself
maybe because hate is easier than the pain
maybe I wanna hurt others the way I was hurt
maybe because I just couldn´t believe
believe someone would actually love me

which doesn´t make it anymore right
I am sorry
for everything

This is my apology
my realisation
my truth

I will always regret it
I just want you to know that.

My brain feels like a mind map
jumping from thought to thought

wandering the lines of my mind
deep into a never ending tunnel
like the ocean
so far
so random

but after all it should come back to one thought
but to what ?

a question, an answer ?

maybe it´s nothing
maybe it all ends up in nothing.

Sometimes I feel lost
or small
as all my thought crash down and me
and drown me in loneliness.

What does that say about me
maybe nothing
maybe it all ends up in nothing.

I was getting better
even good I thought

yeah, I was still thinking about you now and then
and sometimes I would find my mind drifting off into memories

but I stopped crying
I stopped wishing and hoping
for you to come back

but today I saw you name
not on purpose
it just stood there
staring at me.

And for a moment I fell back
back to wishing and hoping
back to you.

But I know it will faint again
and it will get better
slowly, but it will

and till that moment
I will look forward
wishing and hoping.