Katinka: Poems

Sep 2018 · 198

Katinka Sep 2018

I always feel like I have to decide
as in right now
like I would need to have an answer ready any minute.

But decisions take time
you don´t just decide
you create pro and con lists in your head
or in reality

you think of every possible outcome
of everything that could go right
and everything that could go so wrong.

And it is possible that deep down you already know the answer
actually it is most likely you do
so why not stick with that decision.

Maybe because you thought about it for too long
maybe you didn´t thought about it enough
or maybe you just dont trust your own decision

so it is now or never
it is always or gone
it is clever or foolish

Is it, tho ?
Decide.

#decision #confused #random #empty #depressed

Sep 2018 · 356

Complicated

Katinka Sep 2018

Complicated

The world is complicated
the cure to cancer is
but feelings
well at least they shouldn´t be

sadly they are
or at least we make them.

It should be so easy
as deciding which box to check, yes, no or maybe
just like we did as kids.

But we grew up
and it´s not that easy anymore
it´s not just yes and no
it is way more complex.

It may be de decision of a lifetime
or maybe it isn´t.

Are we in it with 100% of our heart
or just 70%
because these 30% could make the difference between
the best and the worst
between right and wrong.

It is not just our heart or head deciding
they both have to aline,
and that is so complicated.

For everyone who is at a bad place right now, this is a wakeup call. Grab a pen and paper and write everything thats on your mind down. I promise it will help.

#complicated #confused #scared #lonly #alone #cry #sad #love #broken #empty

Sep 2018 · 530

Your name

Katinka Sep 2018

Your name

Today I wrote
again

I tried writing your name since I thought about you
but it seemed impossible

actually it didn´t just seem like it
after the first letter I stopped

I just couldn´t look at it
I just can´t say your name out loud
it tears me apart
like two magnets pushing each other away

How does it come your everything on my mind.
and everything I don´t want on my mind

Help me to forget you
I´d say, if that wouldn´t be pointless.

after reading this poem I thought how weird it is, that strangers read about this boy that broke my heart and it is possible that it reminds them of someone they know. But after all no one knows your name, your age, your look, because that will forever be mine.

#love #broken #alone #healing #depressed #sad #crying

Sep 2018 · 362

Hopeless

Katinka Sep 2018

Hopeless

I look into the future and all I see is darkness

as if the ropes around my neck keep tightning

My vision blurs
the edges begin to faint

Darkness is surrounding me
as my legs give up
and my heart stops beating

I am weak

and before I know
tears roll down my face
my eyes fill with water like the ocean would pour in

I feel like drowning
and even tho I can see the top
I just can´t reach it.

Water is filling my lungs
and it feels like my voice is being taken away

silence.

#drowning #alone #hopeless #sad #cry #love #broken

Sep 2018 · 121

The first one

Katinka Sep 2018

The first one

This will be the first poem
the first one I´ll write about myself

or at least I will try.

I feel like I am a stranger stuck in this world
like I don´t know nothing
just a stranger to this world
a stranger to myself.

I´ve been thinking
is it my fault
everything
I mean it could be

Isn´t it weird, I had no problem writing about you
It was like the words just flew out

but writing about myself
hours past and I didn´t come any further

Who am I ?

lonly scared confused searching

Sep 2018 · 208

Till now

Katinka Sep 2018

Till now

Someone once told me I should write it down
just everything.
What I feel, think, everything thats on my mind.

Because when you write you´re the most honest.
You don´t have to hide anything, don´t have to hold back
you can give all your feelings a place to go.
Just let it flow.

And thats what I did,
I just let it all out.

Everything that was on my mind
but in the end I realised
that all I wrote about was you.

Maybe it was because you´re stuck in my head.
Maybe it was because you really were just that special.

But most likely it was that I just didn´t know myself
so I just wrote about you instead

so here is were it´s gonna´ end
and I´ll find myself.

#love #sadness #lonly #scared #angry #broken

Sep 2018 · 625

Loving you

Katinka Sep 2018

Loving you

I Do
and I know you don´t

and its killing me
because this means I am supposed to start
start to get over you.

But I don´t want to
I don´t want to let go
I don´t wont to forget you

and I don´t want to stop loving you.

Because loving you
gave me purpose
it gave all the love I could never give to myself a place to go.

And now
I can´t stop thinking about you

because I feel like you are absorbing me
like my love for you is absorbing me .

As if the thousand butterflys in my stomach
made me forget the weight on my feet.

And for once I believed I could fly.

Because every second with you feels like flying.

Because your smile gives me hope
and your eyes give me faith
but the way you looked at me
after the first time we kissed...

it made me believe
believe we could be
believe we were
believe we would last.

But when you look at me now
all I see is emptiness
no love
no nothing
you just don´t care....

Do you ?

But I still love as much as I did after our first date
when you hold my hand while we were riding our bikes next to each other
and how you gave me you hoodie because I felt cold
and how when I came home the smell of your perfume was surrounding me.

And I wanna love you so bad
but I feel like I have to stop

Because the more I love you the more I lose myself
and I am betraying myself by telling me maybe
he does love you too

and i will lose myself.

But at the same time loving you feels like all I can do
and all I am supposed to do.

Because i love you so much
I believed maybe just maybe I can love myself

I will always love you
and I hope one day you can love me too.

This is for the boy who decided I wasn´t worth it.

#love #lostlove #broken #angry #sad #cry

Sep 2018 · 336

My Weight

Katinka Sep 2018

My Weight

I can not sleep, but I am so tired
I can not eat and everytime I do I feel like throwing up

even just taking a ******* shower
feels like the hardest thing on earth
standing up in the morning seems impossible.

It feels like my whole world is breaking
into a million pieces
like my heart is being torn apart

I just can´t stop thinking about you

And saying I miss you or even I love feels so wrong
and so right at the same time

I feel like you are my burden

like right now I don´t just have to carry my own weight
but also the weight you left, when you decided
I wasn´t worth it.

When you decided we would never be
and thats the point you decided
...I never did

#love #broken #sad

Sep 2018 · 135

What now ?

Katinka Sep 2018

What now ?

I miss you
every second, every minute...
every hour of the day I am not with you

looking back at our pictures, it hurts
like ropes tearing me apart.

Seeing you slowly fading away...from me
from my life, from us

I want to hold you
want to press your body onto mine
I wanna feel your kiss
I want to be one with you

All I can do is think about you

And how you look at her now,
the way you used to look at me.

How you´re holding her,
the way you hold me that day.

And I can not stop thinking about you kissing her,
like we did.

And I miss you
Oh god I miss you so much
and I hate you.

But mostly I hate that I can´t hate you
not even a little bit.

The last sentences is inspiered by my favorite movie 10 things I hate about you.

#love #lostlove #broken #sad #cry

— The End —