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22.9k · Sep 2018
You and Me
Katinka Sep 2018
You
the one with messy brown hair
brown eyes
with you birthmark over the left side of your face.
You who left me crying.
You who made me believe in love for the first time.
You who stole my first kiss
first time
first.

You
with your straight blonde hair
blue eyes
and that stupid smirk
You who left me broken
You who showed me a new way of living
You who left me being second choice
second best
second.

You
with your dark blonde hair
hazel eyes
you with your beautiful hands
You who left me angry
You who showed me a different way of love
You who went with me on my third concert
third love
third.

You
with your curly brown hair
hazel eyes
with your cute braces you never liked
You who left me questioning
You who showed how hard love can be
You who decided I wasn´t worth it
You never happend
We never did.

I
with wavy dark brown hair
hazel eyes
with freckles on my face

I who loved everyone of you
but still couldnt forget you,
number two

I who loved everyone of you
but you left me wanting more,
number four

I who loved everyone of you
was being loved.
but not anymore.
Usally I write my poems on paper first, and then I will reread them and think about them, may make some changes and then upload them here. But in this very second I am just so full of emotion that I want to write and I want it to be honest so no rereading or correcting. Just me.
3.0k · Apr 2019
I lost myself
Katinka Apr 2019
I lost myself in the nightsky
scaring me with it´s creatures
and found a stranger in the sunrise
blinding me with it´s shine

and the red sky left me stained
hiding my true colors
it was when the ocean turned purple
and the sky began to cry

soaking me with it´s odor
washing away my fragrance
that the reflection in the ocean
showed a stranger in me

So scared of the night I hid myself
becoming the spectator of my life
watching without interacting
silently in the back of my mind

I lost myself in the night
fearing it´s monsters
but the shine of the moon
brought me back

and as the sun rised
I finally saw
I was the monster
all along
2.7k · Oct 2018
Worthless
Katinka Oct 2018
Worthless
the way I feel
Worthless
the way others made me feel
Worthless
the way I try to improve
Worthless
the way others ruined my progress
Worthless
the way to continue fighting
Worthless
the way others told me to give up

Worthless
to keep living this way
Worthless
to keep bringing me down
Worthless
to keep listening to what they say
Worthless
to keep changing for others
Worthless
is NOT who I am
1.2k · Apr 2020
I am gone
Katinka Apr 2020
I´d like to vanish
in the dark
so when the sun raises
I am gone

I don't want to be
in this world
so when the earth turns
I am gone

I wish to flee
from this life
so when the birds sing
I am gone

I gave up
the hope of morning
so when the moon vanishes
I will too
1.1k · Oct 2018
Lovemaking
Katinka Oct 2018
****** me
as you rub you lips
looking deeply into my eyes
slowly coming closer
and closer
I am sucker for you
make me yours
tie me down
love me
passionate and slow
then fast and hard
as your hands glide over me
as brushes over a canvas
dive deep into me
like the waves in the oceans
in and out
wrapping my body around yours
feeling your lips staining my body
with your toxic kiss
hold me tight
tighter
playing with your hair
the two of us rising
take all of me
I am yours
higher and higher we go
the sun hitting your body
captivating it´s beauty
as I close my eyes
I can feel you
all of you
and me
******
850 · Oct 2018
Falling in love
Katinka Oct 2018
Take it slow
Don't rush
Do not fall for him
Don't get attached

It's fine
I don't love him
I am in control
I thought

Your smile makes me tingle
Your eyes make me fade
Your touch makes me fly

I smile when I think about you
And I think about you
A lot

The scar above you lip makes me grin
The one below your eyebrow laugh

You are so beautiful
In such a different way
In such an aesthetic way

I think I am falling
Falling for you
Falling deeper and deeper
602 · Oct 2018
LOVE
Katinka Oct 2018
I love
love lasagna
love the color purple
love music

I love
love my mother
love my stepfather
love my siblings and my friends

I love
love passion
love ***
love the world

I love
so much it hurts
so little it scares me

I love
love everyone but myself

I love
love motion
love movements
love the human body

I love
so many things

I love
life
579 · Sep 2018
Loving you
Katinka Sep 2018
I Do
and I know you don´t

and its killing me
because this means I am supposed to start
start to get over you.

But I don´t want to
I don´t want to let go
I don´t wont to forget you

and I don´t want to stop loving you.

Because loving you
gave me purpose
it gave all the love I could never give to myself a place to go.

And now
I can´t stop thinking about you

because I feel like you are absorbing me
like my love for you is absorbing me .

As if the thousand butterflys in my stomach
made me forget the weight on my feet.

And for once I believed I could fly.

Because every second with you feels like flying.

Because your smile gives me hope
and your eyes give me faith
but the way you looked at me
after the first time we kissed...

it made me believe
believe we could be
believe we were
believe we would last.

But when you look at me now
all I see is emptiness
no love
no nothing
you just don´t care....

Do you ?

But I still love as much as I did after our first date
when you hold my hand while we were riding our bikes next to each other
and how you gave me you hoodie because I felt cold
and how when I came home the smell of your perfume was surrounding me.

And I wanna love you so bad
but I feel like I have to stop

Because the more I love you the more I lose myself
and I am betraying myself by telling me maybe
he does love you too

and i will lose myself.

But at the same time loving you feels like all I can do
and all I am supposed to do.

Because i love you so much
I believed maybe just maybe I can love myself

I will always love you
and I hope one day you can love me too.
This is for the boy who decided I wasn´t worth it.
498 · Sep 2018
Your name
Katinka Sep 2018
Today I wrote
again

I tried writing your name since I thought about you
but it seemed impossible

actually it didn´t just seem like it
after the first letter I stopped

I just couldn´t look at it
I just can´t say your name out loud
it tears me apart
like two magnets pushing each other away

How does it come your everything on my mind.
and everything I don´t want on my mind

Help me to forget you
I´d say, if that wouldn´t be pointless.
after reading this poem I thought how weird it is, that strangers read about this boy that broke my heart and it is possible that it reminds them of someone they know. But after all no one knows your name, your age, your look, because that will forever be mine.
462 · Oct 2018
Loving
Katinka Oct 2018
Do I love too quick I asked myself
as his lips pressed onto mine

Do I love him I asked myself
while losing myself in his eyes

Do I deserve his love I asked myself
after he left and I was alone again

Does he even love me I asked myself
when I wake up at night, laying in his arms

Do I even know what love is I asked myself
once I noticed I thought about him

Do I just need someone I asked myself
the moment I realised my mind drifted of to the past

Do I want to be loved I asked myself
until I noticed that I already knew the answer.
428 · Jul 2020
The One
Katinka Jul 2020
I am a girl
a girl from the city
I am loud and noise
I speak my mind

You are a boy
a boy from town
you are quite and calm
you hide your mind

So I spoke my mind
and you weren't afraid
you spoke back
I was the one surprised

and since that day
you were the one
and you may be the boy
the boy from town

and since that day
I found the one
and I may be the girl
the girl from the city

bur right now
there is no  you and me
there is no city or town
there is just us
419 · Oct 2018
ANGER
Katinka Oct 2018
I am angry
at myself for nor trying
trying everything I never did
because I was to scared
I am angry
because I gave up
and let myself down
I am angry
thinking about how blind I was

but I am also anrgy at world
for telling me how to live
for showing me a hollywood life that was unreal
for making be believe in TV love

I am angry at my father
for leaving
for making me feel unloved
for not being there when I needed him

I am angry at my mom
for being so protective
for not letting me make my own mistakes to learn from
for thinking I wouldn´t be strong enough for this world

I am angry at my friends
for loving them till it hurts
for leaving for college
for every time I called and they weren´t there
for making me feel like the odd one

I am angry with you
yes you for reading this and not knowing me
for reading this and possible judging me
for not letting it all out

I am angry
at that is okay.

because at one point we just have to let out all the hate
so we can let in the love
so I will write it all down
all of my feelings
the good ones the bad ones
the ones I don´t want to talk about
so I can let them out,
and find new feeling in myself
and eventually find myself
419 · Nov 2018
Number 4
Katinka Nov 2018
Sometimes I wonder

do you think of me
when you hear the song
the song that played when we first kissed
the song that we danced to

do you think of me
when you smell my perfume
the perfume that I left at your home
the perfume that I wore when we first met

do you think of me
when you hear my name
the name my mother gave me
the name you whispered in my ear

because I do
I skip our song because it takes me back
I have flashbacks when I smell your perfume
I avoid saying your name because it tears me apart

but I don´t think about you anymore
I just remember
because I learned
learned it is the past
386 · Nov 2019
The day you left
Katinka Nov 2019
The day you left
you left me alone
left me broken
left me crying
left me here

and till today I was angry
beause you decided to leave
but then I noticed
I never asked you to stay

The day I let go
I let go of you
let go the stars
let go the sun
let go home
When  you left you took my whole life with you, because without you who was I?
377 · Oct 2020
I want to
Katinka Oct 2020
I wanna run
As fast as I can
And scream
As loud as I can
I wanna hit the wall
With all my strength
And break stuff
With all that anger

I wanna hide
In neverland
And cry
In pain
I wanna jump
With all reassurance
And never wake up
With all that sadness

I wanna laugh
As loud as I can
And dance
As long as possible
I wanna kiss
To feel alive
And live
To feel love
374 · Oct 2018
Take me away
Katinka Oct 2018
Take me away
Music
to a place were passion runs through my veins

Take me away
Love
to a place were happines rules in my brain

Take me away
Art
to a place craziness equals normality

Take me away
Drugs
to a place were I can be free

Take me away
Sleep
to a place my thoughts aren´t constant

Take me away
Katinka Nov 2019
Step 1:
Reread all old messages

Step 2:
Regret everything

Step3:
look at old pictures

Step 4:
Cry your eyes out

Step 5:
Once you finished pitying yourself, get your **** togheter

Step 6:
Delete everything, photos, messages, everything

Step 7:
Get drunk

Step 8:
Remembering you didn´t delet their number
and calling them, drunk

Step 9:
Regret everything again

Step 10:
Watch 90´s love movies and eat ice cream

Step 11:
Get dressed, make yourself ready to go out

Sep 12:
Get drunk again

Step 13:
Do not call them
be strong

Step 14:
Cry yourself to sleep

Step 15:
Stand up, you are strong.
Now tell that the mirror another 99 times.

Step 16:
Smile, it´s okay to happy

Step 17:
Remember you could live without them before

Step 18:
Breathe, look around and notice the world didn´t stop spinning

Step 19:
Remember the good times, but don´t cry. Just smile

Step 20:
Love yourself.
349 · Jan 2019
It´s time to scream no
Katinka Jan 2019
I am done being run over
I am done being pushed around
done being oppressed
done being invisible

I won´t accept rudeness anymore
I won´t accept no evilness

And while everyone says yes
I am here to scream no

no to every man that approaches me
no to people that don´t appreciate me
no to all the bad in the world

I say no
and I mean it

This is my time to shine
and I won´t be invisible no more
I will rise
I will not be quiet
and scream no into this world
that only knows yes
338 · Jul 2019
Help me
Katinka Jul 2019
Help me
I am drowing
I want to scream
but nothing comes out

Help me
I am fleeing
I want to run away
but my shadows are faster

Help me
I am dying
I want to **** myself
but I am not strong enough

Help me
I am lost
I want to know me
but I hate what I am finding
328 · Sep 2018
Hopeless
Katinka Sep 2018
I look into the future and all I see is darkness

as if the ropes around my neck keep tightning

My vision blurs
the edges begin to faint

Darkness is surrounding me
as my legs give up
and my heart stops beating

I am weak

and before I know
tears roll down my face
my eyes fill with water like the ocean would pour in

I feel like drowning
and even tho I can see the top
I just can´t reach it.

Water is filling my lungs
and it feels like my voice is being taken away




silence.
319 · Sep 2018
The day I saw you again
Katinka Sep 2018
Today you will let go of him
I told myself
but it´s nothing you can decide

You can´t just stop feeling
You can´t just stop thinking

I thought I would never be able to let you go
I thought your sent would have staint me forever

But it was till the moment I saw you again
first it broke my heart how you  smiled so easily without me
how you  acted like nothing ever happend
but then I understood
You wear my key to happiness
but in fact the key opened an illusion

I became someone I wasn´t just for you to like me
you never fell in love with me
you fell in love with what I became
which was nothing but your sidekick
boosting your ego and showing me off

so now I understood why you never cared
and never will
because you fell in love with being loved
but you didn´t thought it was necessary to show love back

You took away my voice
but the day I saw you again I got it back
because I could finally tell myself that I would have been worth it
and that I am not the reason you walked away
because you never walked in to begin with.

Today I gaint my voice back
and I can finally say your name.
19.22.5.14
Katinka Nov 2018
when something tragic happens
people are there for us
they go with us through the break up
through death and pain
but with depression it is diffrent

because it doesn´t end
but people get sick of hearing
you are not fine

they want to see you recover
but I can´t
Depression is not a sickness you can get over

It follows you around
like a cloud blocking the sun
and now and then rain will pour down
and it will all come crashing in

It´s the never ending feeling of pain
of panic
of nothing

and then I feel bad
and I´ll self-pity myself
and now I feel so stupid
because there are people
people who have it worse

and here I am
drowning in self-pitiness

but that is exactly what depression feels like

It feels like I am drowning
while everyone else is breathing just fine

It feels like the fear you have when you miss a step
but you never reach the ground
so the fear won´t go away

It feels like ropes tie you down
you can not move
can not stand

I can not do anything
do anything right

and all I want is this to end
but the only solution seems so hard to procide
not even that, I can do

I am not doing good
but no one wants to hear about it
because it has been to long
without improvment
so I´ll just fake it
maybe if I tell myself long enough
I am fine
I will be
295 · Sep 2018
Complicated
Katinka Sep 2018
The world is complicated
the cure to cancer is
but feelings
well at least they shouldn´t be

sadly they are
or at least we make them.

It should be so easy
as deciding which box to check, yes, no or maybe
just like we did as kids.

But we grew up
and it´s not that easy anymore
it´s not just yes and no
it is way more complex.

It may be de decision of a lifetime
or maybe it isn´t.

Are we in it with 100% of our heart
or just 70%
because these 30% could make the difference between
the best and the worst
between right and wrong.

It is not just our heart or head deciding
they both have to aline,
and that is so complicated.
For everyone who is at a bad place right now, this is a wakeup call. Grab a pen and paper and write everything thats on your mind down. I promise it will help.
295 · Sep 2018
My Weight
Katinka Sep 2018
I can not sleep, but I am so tired
I can not eat and everytime I do I feel like throwing up

even just taking a ******* shower
feels like the hardest thing on earth
standing up in the morning seems impossible.

It feels like my whole world is breaking
into a million pieces
like my heart is being torn apart

I just can´t stop thinking about you

And saying I miss you or even I love feels so wrong
and so right at the same time

I feel like you are my burden

like right now I don´t just have to carry my own weight
but also the weight you left, when you decided
I wasn´t worth it.

When you decided we would never be
and thats the point you decided
...I never did
290 · Sep 2018
Sorry
Katinka Sep 2018
I know
I know I handeld things the wrong way
I know I ****** up
and I knew it all along

and yes I could have changed it
and I wanted to
but in this very second I didn´t knew how

I know I am not a good person
and maybe I will never be
I know I hurt you
and I am sorry

I will try to change
I know it won´t change the past
and it will never repear it

but I have to change
because I know I am bad
I know the ugliness inside

and I wish I wouldn´t see it
I don´t know why
maybe to protect myself
maybe because hate is easier than the pain
maybe I wanna hurt others the way I was hurt
maybe because I just couldn´t believe
believe someone would actually love me

which doesn´t make it anymore right
I am sorry
for everything

This is my apology
my realisation
my truth

I will always regret it
I just want you to know that.
I believe that often we write about the things that hurt us or that are important to us, but lets face reality nobody is perfect and neither am I. I wanted ro show that, to admit that. Because I made wrong decisions before, but I decided that I have to change, for the better for myself. I hope the world can forgive me, I hope you can.
282 · Aug 2020
This Girl
Katinka Aug 2020
This Girl
made of honey and glass
Her hair
like flowers in the grass

This Girl
which laugh is a delight
Her smile
like the sun so bright

This Girl
tastes like cigarettes and wine
Her eyes
believe it´s the way they shine

This Girl
scared in the dark at night
Her Heart
once broken but ready to fight
277 · Dec 2019
Point of view
Katinka Dec 2019
Your voice feels so soothing
I could listen all day and night
You make me smile and forget
because you give me this feeling

I like the way you think about me
you believe that I´m strong
brave and have a good heart
don´t you ?

That´s why I´ll hide it
my fears and the pain
the moments I don´t smile
cause´ I don´t want you to go


But if you would see me
see me trough my eyes
you would see, I am weak
and you would leave
266 · Aug 2020
I don´t wanna be here
Katinka Aug 2020
My voice breaks
and tears begin to fall
and for your own sake
I will build this wall

And when the night sets in
these walls break down
I can feel it under my skin
when no ones around

I want to be high
so I don't need to think
dissolve into the sky
please hand me the drink
258 · Oct 2018
Hurting
Katinka Oct 2018
I don´t think you understand
understand how important you are to me
You say it doesn´t matter
it´t not that important

but it is.

Because I feel like we are drifting apart
like I don´t even know you anymore
we used to be so close
like yin and yang
you were the better part of me

in my darkest times you were there
you would show me the light to fight for
you were the light to fight for
you are.

I am scared
Because that feels like it is in the past
I miss you.

I miss the nights we talked about the world
and the ones we didn´t talk at all
because it wasn´t necessary
because we didn´t need words

I miss your laugh
and how we danced to our favorite songs
in our home
in calella
just everywhere

Because thats how we are
we didn´t care what the world would think
because we didn´t need them
we had us

I miss the way you made me smile
the way we couldn´t stop laughing
or crying

I miss you here
because without you it´s so empty
I hope you miss me too.

Please come back.
friends love alone lonely hurt sad scared
257 · Oct 2018
Panic attack
Katinka Oct 2018
It beginns
Hands are starting to shake
palms are sweaty
shivering, freezing, sweating
It´s cold, then hot

Focus on your breath
in and out
in and out

don´t move
don´t scream
don´t ask for help
don´t call your mother, or sister
don´t call anybody
just sit
quiet

panic
illusional fear
mortal agony

cry
continue

stand up
grab the razor blades
breathe
in and out
in and out

focus
don´t call for help
they wouldn´t understand
You are the only one who can help yourself

breathe
in and out
IN AND OUT
faster
panic
panic
panic

cry
cry
survive

20 minutes pass.

the body can only panic for 20 minutes.
You survived

end.
I live with a mental disorder which is anxiety, people often assume it just means I am anxious but it is way more then that, here I tried portaying a panic attack I had
234 · Jul 2019
I love you
Katinka Jul 2019
I love you, I truely do
with all my heart
and all my soul

but I hate it
I hate me
for loving you

because you are naiv
and spontaneous
and selfish

You will never understand
how I would give my all
why I would die for you

because you wouldn´t
you wouldn´t do the same
and that is okay

it just hurts now an then
because I will always know
that I need you
but you don´t need me

so I will give my all
to please you
and make you smile

to hold you when you´re down
and dry your tears
to be all you need

so one day, when you leave
you will at least miss me
and then for once

for once you will know
how I felt all along
and understand

How I would give my all
and why I would die for you
and you will finally see me.
224 · Nov 2019
I want us
Katinka Nov 2019
You are one kind of a guy
the kind that leaves
leaves before breakfast
the kind that makes you
makes you fall in love

I am one kind of a girl
the kind that leaves
leaves because she´s scared
the kind that makes you
makes you fall out of love

we were one of a kind
the kind that leaved
leaved the party to snuggle
the kind that made
made other jealous

we are one of kind
the kind that leave
leave each other behins
the kind that make
make each other cry

I want us to be more
more than we are now
I want the nights
the nights we needed nothing
because we had each other
I want US
223 · Mar 2019
The darkness within me
Katinka Mar 2019
I am dying
Breaking on the inside

Darkness slowly crawling up in me
destroying all the good things
My head is filled with doubts

I can't move
My legs stuck to the ground
And I am sinking

It's like I am standing in quicksand
As if my ship has a hole
As if I would walk through the marshes

A grey veil blurring my vision
Hiding all the colors
Life could show me
If only I could see them

I am dying
Darkness is crawling up in me
my head is filled with doubts
223 · Feb 2019
Letter to you
Katinka Feb 2019
Pinch me
Because this must be a dream
And I am so scared to wake up

Because I don't want to lose you
And I want to satisfy you
I wanna make you happy
I wanna be everything you ever wanted

So you will never let me go
Thank you for existing
Thank you for being with me

I love you
But I will never understand how you can love me
I will never believe that you do
Because i don't understand
How someone as pure and beautiful like you

Can love something so damaged and broken like me
I do not deserve you
But in this dream you are with me
I hope it never ends
222 · Jul 2019
Suffocate the fire
Katinka Jul 2019
Let it rain on me, I pray
let it rush down my body
rush down my face
let it hide the tears

let it to cool me down
suffocate the fire inside me
because I am burning
burning from within

My skin falling of my bones
leaving me vulnerable
releasing all my fears
to those who shouldn´t see them

Because this fire it burns
but it doesn´t burn with passion
it burns with anger and pain
with everything I never said

destroying all I have left
leaving nothing but ashes
at the place in my mind
were once flowers bloomed
215 · Feb 2019
Feeling
Katinka Feb 2019
I can feel it in my chest
my heart is longing for you
You are wandering through my head
And I just can't stop thinking about you

You want me to obey
You want me to listen
You want me to be yours

But are you mine ?
You have to give to take
As the saying goes
there's no rainbow without the rain

And my heart is aching
I feel pain
And sadness
I want to run
As far as my brown eyes can see

Away from you
Because you absorb me
And I wonder
Who am I
without you

I am bad at love
Love too little
Or too much

I always make the same mistakes
I wonder
Are you worth the pain
Am I worth the pain
215 · Nov 2018
Number 2
Katinka Nov 2018
2015
christmas eve
The day we met

I immediately fell in love
in love with your sparkling blue eyes
your straight blonde hair
your beautiful hands

March
2015

we kiss
it felt like all I ever wanted
I loved you more than anything else

It were those little things that made us so special
the way I always waved you goodbye
every day when you left

I remember the one time I didn´t
It felt like my heart was being torn apart
I run outside
not wearing shoes or socks
but I just couldn´t let you go
without telling you
I love you

I screamed your name
and jumped into your arms
it was the way you swang me around
in the dark
that made me love you

It was the way we layed on the playground
in the nighttime
just the two of us
looking into the sky
you holding me close
inside your arms
that made me love you

It was the way you stopped
in the middel of the sidewalk
to go back holding the door open for a pizza men
that made me love you

It was the way you always looked at me
right after we kissed
right before you told me
told me you loved me
the sparkle in your eyes
the kidness
that made me love you

February
2016
we broke up

January
2018
Birthday party
I arrive
You were already there

I still remember the tasted of your kiss
nicotine and beer
and we kissed
all night long

March
2018
we hug
and tell each other
that we love the other one
but it isn´t the right time

you go
and once more
I wave goodbye as you leave
but this time
you do not turn around.
210 · Oct 2018
Why I don´t write books
Katinka Oct 2018
I like books
the way the pull me out of reality and into the story
the way you can truly feel what the character is feeling
the way you can decide how you imagine the atmosphere

Once I tried writing a book
I mean I love to write
and I guess I always will
but I never finshed the book
I just couldn´t decide for an ending

I guess it´s the same in reality
I have problems making decisions
I like to think of every possible outcome
just to run away before it ends

maybe I am to scared to see the end
because I want it to continue forever
and now I am asking myself
am I still talking about my never ending book
or my life

I guess I´ll never find out
because in the end
I will run
and run
away from the end
and into the past
repeating my mistakes.
203 · Aug 2020
One day
Katinka Aug 2020
Somedays I break down
and somedays I cry
somedays the nights are hard
and somedays I don't stand up

Sometimes I can't hold it
and sometimes it hurts
sometimes the void gets bigger
and sometimes I can't get out

One day I will show you me
and one day I will be honest
One day I will be honey and glass
and one day you will see it
202 · Jan 2020
When love isn't enough
Katinka Jan 2020
I loved him so much
And he loved me
But sometimes love isn't enough

When the fire distinguishes
And your left behind with ashes
Sometimes letting go hurts less

But we let go
And it hurts
It hurts more than before

And everything around me
It makes me think of him
And it feels like I forgot
Forgot how much we meant

And I can it feel it in my chest
My heart longing for him
But we both know
It was right to end it

But that doesn't make it easier
Because this feeling it won't go
And it hurts
A real physical pain

It feels like my heart is being torn apart
Like I could have a heart attack any second
But the worst thing about it is
I wouldn't even mind if my heart stopped
195 · Oct 2018
Finally it´s your poem
Katinka Oct 2018
You are like a shooting star
so beautiful, it makes you happy
yet so illusional it makes you mad.

You could possibly make me happier
happier than anybody else
but at the same time you make me angry
you make me mad, you make me go insane

becaue even tho´ I know the words you say are true
I don´t want to hear them
because it scares me how good you know me
how well you understand me

believe me when I say you are special
the way you think
you talk
you act

And you will always hold a special place in my heart
the problem with you is that you know me
but you don´t know yourself
or maybe you do
but then you are lying to yourself

you created yourself a different reality
but you will never accept that
because even tho´you are good in nearly everything
accepting the truth is not your strength

I know you will also never accept your beauty
but let me tell you
you got the most beautiful eyes I´ve ever seen
the most kindful hands I ever touched
and the loveliest mind I could find.

I hope you find happines in yourself.

I really like yogurt.
love freinds like cry alone poem depressed true honesty
194 · Aug 2020
Happy
Katinka Aug 2020
I know you, you´re like this
I know it´s not on me
but somedays I just wish
I just wish to make you happy

Because you make me happy
and I know it´s not on me
but somedays I just wish
I just wish you didn´t

So I will try my very best
and I know it´s not on me
but somedays I just wish
I just wish we were happy
29.07.2020
194 · Mar 2019
Stonecold
Katinka Mar 2019
I push you away
Roll my eyes on you
Put my hands in my hips
Till you leave

So I can cry
In bittersweet relief

Leave, I tell you
I do not care
I have myself
And that is all I need

But when you leave
I look out of the window
Watching you go
Praying you will turn around
Come back
And finally
See me

How I really am
But I can not show
I can not break
I need to be strong

So before I cry
I will scream
Before I break
I will go

The world has teached me
That those that show weakness
Will be run over

So I pretend
Till one day I don't have to

But you never turn around
And my heart
It keeps breaking
As I push you away

It scares me
How good I can lie
How I can pretend
To be stone cold
While I break
In silence
184 · Sep 2018
Falling back
Katinka Sep 2018
I was getting better
even good I thought

yeah, I was still thinking about you now and then
and sometimes I would find my mind drifting off into memories

but I stopped crying
I stopped wishing and hoping
for you to come back

but today I saw you name
not on purpose
it just stood there
staring at me.

And for a moment I fell back
back to wishing and hoping
back to you.

But I know it will faint again
and it will get better
slowly, but it will

and till that moment
I will look forward
wishing and hoping.
176 · Sep 2018
Healing or Dying
Katinka Sep 2018
It was bad
I was

I felt like dying and sobbing
shaking and screaming on the floor
wishing for nothing but death

then it got better,
slowly but it did

I felt hurting and breaking
Sitting crying and lost on the bed
wishing for nothing but it to pass

then it got better,
slowly but it did

I felt nothing and empty
sitting in silence and thoughtless on the table
not wishing anymore

then I wondered
was I getting better or just benumbed

time passed
and I wished,
for anything,
a feeling,
just something.
171 · Sep 2018
Now or Never
Katinka Sep 2018
I always feel like I have to decide
as in right now
like I would need to have an answer ready any minute.

But decisions take time
you don´t just decide
you create pro and con lists in your head
or in reality

you think of every possible outcome
of everything that could go right  
and everything that could go so wrong.

And it is possible that deep down you already know the answer
actually it is most likely you do
so why not stick with that decision.

Maybe because you thought about it for too long
maybe you didn´t thought about it enough
or maybe you just dont trust your own decision

so it is now or never
it is always or gone
it is clever or foolish

Is it, tho ?
Decide.
171 · Sep 2018
Till now
Katinka Sep 2018
Someone once told me I should write it down
just everything.
What I feel, think, everything thats on my mind.

Because when you write you´re the most honest.
You don´t have to hide anything, don´t have to hold back
you can give all your feelings a place to go.
Just let it flow.

And thats what I did,
I just let it all out.

Everything that was on my mind
but in the end I realised
that all I wrote about was you.

Maybe it was because you´re stuck in my head.
Maybe it was because you really were just that special.

But most likely it was that I just didn´t know myself
so I just wrote about you instead

so here is were it´s gonna´ end
and I´ll find myself.
Katinka Mar 2020
I hate that you are so far away
and that I can´t change that

I hate the feeling you give me
and the longing for you

I hate that you're making me weak
and that you broke my walls

I hate how you can change my mood
and how it only takes seconds

I hate that I miss you so much
and that I love you so much

I hate how you are so far away
and how I still can´t change that.
167 · Sep 2018
Mind map
Katinka Sep 2018
My brain feels like a mind map
jumping from thought to thought

wandering the lines of my mind
deep into a never ending tunnel
like the ocean
so far
so random

but after all it should come back to one thought
but to what ?

a question, an answer ?

maybe it´s nothing
maybe it all ends up in nothing.

Sometimes I feel lost
or small
as all my thought crash down and me
and drown me in loneliness.

What does that say about me
maybe nothing
maybe it all ends up in nothing.
159 · Aug 2020
Afraid to feel
Katinka Aug 2020
It feels like I´m suffocating
being oppressed by my mind
so I will hideaway
till it gets better

And if I tell myself long enough
maybe I will believe it
and I will drown these demons
but I´ll drown with them

Please let me breathe
I wanna feel
but I am too afraid
of what will be
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