Did you know that I got really drunk one night and threw up on the concrete after stumbling and falling and scraping my knees
and all I could see was blood and ***** splattered before me
and I laid down and thought of you because that's all that I could do
and you were so far away fast asleep in your bed or kissing her laugh
and I wondered if you felt it at all that I was dead then

and i'm sorry that i love too hard
too much
too all at once

i'm sorry that i can't help but to break down
when i imagine your body
intertwined with someone's else

you changed
everything
for me
of what i knew
or thought i knew
of love
you redefined
you shaped
you molded
as if i was flat clay
which had no form
you formed me
bit by bit
slowly, gently
you smoothed out
my rough edges
you made me
a whole piece
with you,
or on my own
you changed
everything
everything
that i knew
of love

i don't want to have a face
and i don't want to have a name
i want to crumble away
i want to be free of this brain
i want to forget all that was, and is
i want to cease to exist
so that i may live

love arrived
love crashed
love burned
love died
love i held still
deep inside of my chest
love that i had to learn
to let unexist
love i hold loosely now
within my hands
love that i loved
love that i buried
love that became only memories

i'm doing you a favor
don't be sad, don't even pretend
you and i both know that you are not
you're in love with the idea
of not feeling lonely
you may hold me but you don't feel me
and you may kiss me but you don't taste me
and you may say
all of these nice things
when the clouds become too grey
but you and i both know
that you don't like storms
and i can't always be sunshine
try as i might
and believe me, i tried
i tried to be
a picture painted golden
perfectly, and so elegantly
but there's dirt underneath my fingernails
which you ignore
you think that you can clean me
you want to make me so pure

so don't be sad, don't even pretend
you knew as well as i did
that this was a charade
and it had to end
i confronted the dark curtains
hanging low over us
you looked right past
i was the courageous one
i was the one that stopped wearing my heart on my sleeve
i was the one that knew we were both just lonely

well, lately i
lately i
have felt
that maybe
it's all right
to die
or to even remain
alive
well, lately i
have been writing
too much
about you and i
words which you
will never see
and well lately
i've been staying awake
each night
for too long
trying to beat
the sun
because i don't want
anyone
in my bed
or yours
i try to sleep
because each morning
just reminds me
that i'm not sharing it
with you, ever
anymore
well, lately i
have come across a change
and i wish you were here
to be my witness
that i am no longer
the same
you're miles away
and i guess i have
accepted
that i'm no longer
a part of your life
well, you know?
i still
love you
and i have learned  
it's okay to die
with you
on my mind

because i see you
and when i see you, i see you
and when i see you i die deep inside
i don't know what you are
i don't know what this is

n o
o n e
i s
p e r f e c t

y e t
y o u
a r e

m y
v e r s i o n
o f
p e r f e c t

o n l y
*y o u

half drunken slurs
blurred, messy words
this isn't love
this isn't love
pin me down
with your unsettling thoughts
this isn't love
this isn't love...

i don't feel like writing anymore, i'm so tired of transforming sadness into words

why are words so important?

because everything that you write
is an imprint of your life

i want to let my ghost evaporate inside of you through your mouth
finally i can touch your lips, breathe me in but don't breathe me out
blend me in with your soul so that you will never let go
give my spirit its eternal resting place where it has always wanted to be
home, home, finally, that is you
i have always clung to you for this sweet, sweet peace

he told me that he had some stitches and he could sew me back up
with colorful threads that knew no bounds
and the most fragile of needles to avoid afflicting anymore hurt
i took up his offer and allowed him to stitch me back up
yet eventually the seams tore and broke and he walked away telling me that he couldn't fix it this time

i'm waiting
and looking
at a blank page
with words
i wish you would say

she kissed him goodbye and left
he told her i love you, i'll see you later
once she was out of sight
he turns to his friend with his phone
hot model girl blowing up the screen
he says, she's so incredible, i'd bang her any day

but what about your girl?

oh, her
she doesn't know
so she won't get hurt
it's all good
it's only a little fun
she's great, but she could be better
for now i can settle
but she's nothing that special

i'm going out on a limb here
and throwing away and pushing away everything and everyone i hold dear
because maybe, if i start new, i can also let go of this gnawing pain
i am me, but i don't want to be
and if i have no traces left to my past -
maybe i can find some light at long last?

i breathe and you breathe
and we create some sort of harmony
like a dance for two
which we want no one else to see
midnight hours, the dark cloaking our shadows
the shallow breathing
of exchanging one another
we're like two ghosts lingering in the graveyard
i breathe and you breathe
and we keep this secrecy

i would walk in the snow and cold, just to see you smile, to absorb some of your warmth,
but you would slam the door in my face and tell me to go home

she said, i'm killing myself tonight
he said, okay

at the very least
i wish that we could have remained as friends
because i've always told you
and i always meant it
that you are the type of person
i would want in my life
regardless of the position

you like what you see
but you don't like what you hear
i am afraid, my dear
that my head is too heavy
for anyone to want to bear
i'll hold your hand as you go
i am sorry for the things
i let you know

only in your absence
do i realize
how lonely i am
yet i cannot ask
for it back
because that would only cause
another fire to burn
and i am still
coughing up the smoke
from my lungs
after the last one

I used to write about you a lot. I haven't written in so long. I guess the hurt became way too heavy and I didn't want to sit there anymore and try to make sense of it, or try to heal myself from it. There was nothing to do anymore but to sit in silence and feel it.

poetry,
thank you
for saving my life

in my head did you lay
in my head you always will stay

the leaves are beginning to fall,
just as we are

when we were real and we were getting better
and we weren't fighting and shouting profanities
and it kind of always felt so false because i guess we were so used to the bad stuff
and everyone around us kept doubting all of the good stuff
and it shouldn't matter and it didn't but it would have been easier had other people had hope too
and i just guess i hope this time we
are real again
like two years ago in the snow
in the dark December night
way back when but hey,
we can be that again

why do i continue writing when absolutely no one is listening to me?

it still hurts
it's still a gaping hole
most of the time
especially at night
when you're no longer mine to hold

but i'm trying so hard to fix things
and give you every drop of love which i have
how is that not enough?
how much more exhausting of myself must be done?
i love you more than anything -
can't you see?

draped all in black
you look as if Death asked you to marry it
you're walking to your own funeral
you know what will happen if you say I do to Death

and had it been up to me,
we would have been an eternity

sometimes writing about it just makes the emotions even worse.

i wanted to get rid of everything
i wanted to throw away everything
i wanted to throw away our bed
just to get you outside of my head
i wanted to break all of the plates
into a million pieces
because eating from them alone
made me now shake
i wanted to burn all of the curtains
i wanted to burn the couch
because you no longer
occupy the space next to me on it
i wanted to smash the tv in
just as you did to my heart
i couldn't watch our shows anymore
i wanted to strip the walls
of all of their color
because you picked out that shade of red
but now i'm sick of looking at it
i wanted to break all of the windows and jump out
lay amongst the glass shards in the lawn
come and find me here alone
come and see what you have done
to our home