at first, you were basic
and i didn't care

then you were expensive
and i didn't care

then you were a delinquent
and i didn't care

then you came up to me
and i didn't care

then you became vulnerable to me and only me
and i couldn't help caring

at first we talked
and i was calm

then we flirted
and i was calm
and you didn't care

then we got soft
and i got nervous

then we connected
and i fell so hard for you

then we flirted
and my heart went uwu

then we hung more
and i realized i was just a friend to you

I may be a bad person,
But I am not the bad guy,
I've learned a toxic lesson,
And now I see why.

I see how all my friends see me,
I see you'll never understand,
I see my people-pleasing tendencies,
I see all you want to do is reprimand,

But I see that everyone is a bad person.

i wish i never asked you if you still felt the same.
it doesn’t matter anymore.
i rather live in a lie than lose you.

i’m so sorry for everything.

i have everything i could have ever wanted..

so why won’t this aching feeling go away?
why do i still drag my feet along?

when the bridge i am walking on is made of solid gold?

you promised me you would never forget me,
did you forget that too?

when your friends ask you about me,
will you laugh at our memories?
will you mock our promises?
will you ridicule what we had?

do all those nights disgust you now?

i loved you.
i wanted nothing more than to be with you,

so am i really okay breaking your heart like this?
intentionally playing the villain is just so much easier,
than having to explain a loss.

sometimes i think that i still do.

i can’t commit to anything
can i?

not people,
not plans,
not schedules,
nor times,
i can’t even do a daily write daily.

Demon of the light,
Standing by my side,
Showing me the way,
Saying it’s okay,
The only person who makes me feel safe

perhaps the most complex feeling
is feeling everything at once
the sympathy of a lover
the cold from a friend
everything shattering at once
residue of a rainfall

pain flares
and the cold blooms
the heat of freezing
the coldness of mistakes
everything finally stood still
residue of a rainfall

the soft pitter patter pulling me through the night

all we know is school,
i have to spend the rest of my life after either working nine to five,
or starve to make my dream come true,
and after all of that i’ll peak either ending,
and then all that will be left for me is death.

There are so many words that I want to ******* yell at you,
So many emotions coursing through me,
So many memories replaying in me,
So many questions I’m dying to ask you,

But I don’t want to embarrass myself anymore.

is it my fault,
that that’s what you grew up to be?
did we play too much army?
let you touch too much of me?
we were only seven darling,
always down the street running,
did you ever know?
of your daddy screaming
our buddy bleeding
your mommy’s drinking
of our glasses shattering?
or were you blind like me, too?
was there something i could have done, if my eyes were open too?

your every message is like *******,
and your voice is like a sweet narcotic,
speaking to you alleviates all pain,
and the first night without you i felt sick.
you told me you’d always be there for me,
said you loved me, something only your mom hears,
was it true at all, or were you just weak?
because you’ve been gone and it feels like years.
we trusted each other with everything,
i told you no matter what i’ll feel this way.
all you said was thank you, i felt nothing.
whether the past was a lie or not, why do i still stay?

A phoenix, A second chance
An angel, A devil,
A rescue, A ******,
Everything comes with a price,
And this ***** is an expensive *******

i felt miserable,
the crushing self rejection,
that a lover cannot fix,
the acceptance of being what broke you before.

but,
i stopped,
and realized i wasn’t alone,
for i was surrounded by garnets.
Twinkling, beautiful, crimson friends.

maybe it’s not so bad after all

Fire swirls in an empty black galaxy
Take your hand, and keep trying to hold on
Spinning, dancing, and popping ecstasy.
Somehow your goodbye leaves me feeling conned
And angels swoop down and cut out my tongue
Throw down your cards and a few bills and fall
Growing old with you sounds better than young
Every day, playing, just being your doll.
And the thorn you take comes from roses of red.
Eyes are windows, and yours are dark night skies.
Feeling like I'm dying but never dead
Snow is falling, you keep me warm with lies
Jumping off headfirst, crashing on concrete
Running in circles, missing ev'ry beat

when i look into your eyes,
they reflect a million tiny memories.
when i see your smile,
each word that comes out reminds me of what you said.
how am i supposed to act like nothing happened,
when your sole existence screams it into my face?

Slap
                         Burn
                                                  Sting.
   ­                                              Leave
                          Me
Weak.
Just
                   ­      High
                                                 Five.
                                                      In
                        Low
Tide.
                   Leaving me.
                  Feeling weak.
                          ON
                         THE
                    GROUND.

stardust fell down from her honey brown eyes
and kissed the neck of her wooden guitar
and inside her aquamarine gloom lies
truly the most ethereal gold by far
and for every single shaky breath
is worth one hundred dollars to a fool
and for every fragile thought of death
is cut exactly like a priceless jewel
her hurt worn like a 1950s fur
as she licks the rotten fruit of Eden
they rearrange her life all around her
into their own holy flower garden
she, seraph, looks up to the heavens gates
remembers how it felt, plummeting to hate

soft long wisps of light honey brown hair
caught in the wind, dance on the clouds
her soft closed lips, velvet-like sounds
the rain caught in summer air
and her legs sway to-and-fro
and her mind soars with the birds
and fence she sits on purrs
as the fuzzy melody flows
the flowers sway along to the tune
the grass; torn between emeralds and gold
May cries to her lovely sister June
the pond shakes when her foot brushes its mold
everything is whispering in tune
and though everything is new, it all feels old

if i want to get big,
my goals have to get bigger

if i “love him so much”,
i have to be the best for him

so i’m going to be the best
<3

even the darkest minds can drip gold;
pink roses can bloom behind ****** chain link fences,
as leaves can stay orange as they float in puddles reflecting gray.

there’s always stars in the dark.

How could every second of all our nights together mean so much to me,
And not even our promises mean anything to you?

You let me walk on you like you’re carpet,
Baby don’t do that, try and stop it

did i push myself too far?
the shaking post workout?
the moons rise after the suns char,
is this what they call burnout?

I know that I really ****** up this time.
I can’t say a word about this at all.
In the end, I’m all that’s left on my side.
Only I pick myself up when I fall.
Don’t trust anyone, just keep up the hustle.
I’ll find a way to pull out from my grave.
Crank it out, don’t wait out, fire the pistol.
I don’t care bout how hard it is, be brave.
Marbled glass, hard to see through, but crystal clear.
No more vulnerability, no more time.
Just.
Haul.
***.

Even though I know I’m down to get ****** and crash,
Don’t stop till I drop.

Headlights, electric blood in my veins
Streetsigns, driving in the fast lane
Summertime, everything has some pain
Starshine, my sorrow, my goodbye
And wait

How am I supposed to sleep
When every move you make,
Makes me scream?

How am I supposed to sleep
When every breath you take,
Makes me shake?

How am I supposed to sleep
When you’re here on the phone,
Right next to me?

Eternity at the fingertips of the lost
Trying to keep all the liquid melting out of my heart inside
The gods have never seen a love like ours
Sunlit soft skin, blossoming warmth
Eyes dripping the moons pure shine

Is this what they call paradise?

Poetry
Is all I am

And the words coil around me
Like twisting snakes

But I think the snakes like me
They distort to fit the shape of me like armor

Anyone who dares come near
I unleash the snakes upon

Beautiful boundaries designed by passion
They defend me eternally

They let me hold hands with infinity

Wind chimes backward are like heaven in my
We cannot escape the past
So you and i will never last
"I love you" and lies were a blast
But even love, too, has it's final dance
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When I began to cry; the sky did too
Cotton candy clouds dripping blue in June

Every word you said haunts me,
Every night we slept together hurts me,
Every memory of us together terrorizes me,

Because I keep telling you how much I ******* love you,
And you used to feel the same.

How can all that mean so much to me,
And absolutely ******* nothing to you now?

Love really is cruel, isn’t it.

I am ash and you are an ember
your glow seems to last forever
on my own, I used to spark and flutter
but those days are now over

you are an ember, I watch your smokey dance
i light up at the sight of you, firebrand
With nothing but this blood on my hands
you help ignite my passion, my chance

light, joy, pure, smile, free
electricity

shock, clash, change, crash, blow
flames of evolution

dark, bitter, cynical, faint
the crashing waves of rain

you’re the sun and i’m the moon;
i can’t glow without you.

That
Desperately clinging onto hope
Falling 80 stories high

Its more than That
Crashing, ****** up into confusion
Does it show on my face?

But You
Dripping sin, leaking light
Classy orange mustang

You're more than That
Vulnerable, so hard but so soft
More than contrasts, lust, love

More than That

if i touch you, will i break you?
if i blink, will it all fall away?
if i space out, will this place fade back to what i once knew?
if i dare look away, will the sun fade?

Forever connected to a bunch of selfish jerks
And the worst part is they don't really love you
Maybe they tell themselves if they say it enough
                                                                      they will
It doesn't matter, they don't have the time to love
                                                an eternal connection
Long-lasting bond of self-pity and hate based off
                                                      of a foundation of
Youth.

the wind swirled around us in circles,
and the orange leaves fell around us,
a soft tornado of orange dismay,
and everyone around us fades,
it’s just you in my embrace,
diamond tears falling,
ticking time bomb,

there’s nothing worse than knowing how it all ends.

nothing makes me happy anymore

not even writing.

sorry i haven’t been active

I hear the crickets,
It's like she's next to me on the grass
Not on a receiver in my room
Because it was quiet
Only crickets purring
and I felt warm.

Orange cigarette filter
Yellow full moon
Green lighter
Blue blue soul
Purple handle knife
Pink bloodshot eyes
Red, red blood

you don’t even know what love is;
but, it’s a nice thought,
that you might forever.

you know that feeling when you want something to keep going?

or you want to keep trying?

even if it might sting?

hold onto that.

do it.

return.