She was an interesting girl,
No one could deny
You could see the galaxy
Every time she cried

my ex-lovers mouth is not a
place I'm proud of lurking
drowned in alcohol and cigarettes
he said
were from all the stress of working

As you lay there
my wings are shorn away
I was your guardian angel
but now you've gone away

My back is broken and bleeding
not too different from your soul
and my mind is aching
I can't take a step

I want to fly
but instead of wings
I have holes
and
a ****** mess

you leave me breathless and strung out
in the late night, wrapped up but cold
staring at my phone screen waiting for
you to say anything
you tell me to go to sleep
(it's some passive aggressive *******)
i go to sleep anyway

She is so weird
She is so weird
She is so weird

The other girls all float around with their eyes painted like cats,
Rounded with black and flicked up at the end, but she
Swims with
her eyes painted like fish
One little flick down
One little flick up at the
End and
The other girls whisper about her
Saying

She is so weird
She is so weird
she is so weird

because
She has watercolor lips
In pretty shades of pink
Not sharp
And
Red
Like the other girls
She is not a collection of edges and shadows, she is
Soft and

She is so weird
She is so weird
She is so weird

She looks dreamy
And sometimes
Confused
The other guys whisper that
There is
Not much there
In her head
And that

she is So weird
She is so weird
She is so weird

She has three black lines embedded in the
Side of the
skin on her neck
Stacked like deep
Vs lined under
Each other and once I asked her
If they were birds in flight
Or gills
And she laughed
It wasn’t cruel
She pulled me close
And whispered both
With a smirk
And then she smiled wide
And shook her head and told me
That

I Am so weird
I am so weird
I am So weird

And though I knew it was an insult
When the cats whispered it
It wasn’t one when it came from the fish

I need something to take my mind off this anger
this constant pull of
***** you
and
what the hell did you expect
I'm mad at you
but I can't let you know
I need something to ****
I need something to crush
I need something other than my own skin to split
You've made it clear
that I'm a big fat
F
A
    I
     L
        U
          R
             E
Now I need something to take away
this anger

I am not shy. I am loud, I am talkative, I am the first to start a conversation, I am not afraid to tell a stranger everything on my mind, I will laugh too loud in front of people, I will cry too hard in front of people, I will tell any secret that is mine to tell, I almost always know what to say, I like to socialize, I enjoy company, I enjoy talking, I enjoy listening. But not when it comes to you. When it comes to you I am so scared to make a wrong move. When it comes to you my heart bursts open into my brain prohibiting logical thoughts. When it comes to you I am painfully shy, I listen too long, I talk too little, I cover my mouth when I laugh, I make small movements, because I do not care what random strangers think of me, but I do care how you think of me. I care if you like how I look or talk and I care if you think I am interesting, and I want so bad to fake who I am just to impress you but I don't think that will be necessary because you seem to like me. And thats good. I like me too.

You were my
Perfect porcelain doll
I left you buried in a garden,
like that book we both loved

I'm sorry

I
wrote
you
a
letter
and
I
never
sent
it.
You
wouldn't
have
been
able
to
read
it
anyway,
my
handwriting
is
just
as
bad
as
you
remember.
Maybe
worse.

Burn me to the ground, and we're both going down, I'll give you the same respect you've given me and god I wish I could see it all differently, but I deserve no sympathy, what a lovely tragedy, that I leave this mess, this burning house in misery, while you sit content in your unseen demise.
You'd never know but I could never hurt you, I'll keep you safe from this rising fire in my ocean, I'll never hurt you, love, I swear to god I'll never hurt you

Words
on a page
talking to you
but are you listening
because words can hold great wisdom
and words can cause great pain
but in the end the words
are all the same

The more I find out about family
History
I realize
That being a traitor
Is simply in my bloodline
I'm a cheap rosé
Pretending to be fine wine
From French nobility
To Spanish pride
My ancestors wrought havoc
On their own modern times
It's time for me to step up to the plate
And make my choice
To grow into the role I was assigned
Or write my own lines
But whatever I choose
The choice is mine
And I know whoever I am
I'll be great
remembered
divine,
How do I know?
It's simply in my bloodline.

hello hello hello again
you made me cry again
i said i wouldn’t spill tears over you
i said i was sick of
singing tragedy
i purged you
i burned you
i ran from you
i ran into myself
bitter
selfish
burning burning burning alive
stop being so casual
god
this is not a casual conversation
stop breaking my heart
you **** me up
lets jump off cliffs together
lets become star crossed lovers
you broke my heart
you broke me
stop it stop it stop it
i am not
strong
you were supposed to be strong
i am too weak
to carry this
god
please
drop the casualties

She is green tea with honey,
summer days and blonde hair.
She is a golden retriever
and a husky,
happy, intelligent, yet reserved.
She is the beach and a sunrise,
campfires and s’mores in the warm air
breathing in the dust and smoke,
laughing about two years ago.
She is incense and paintings,
blue walls and ceilings,
she is a ***** joke said
offhand with raised eyebrows,
she is stacks of books and video games,
she is bubblegum ice cream and
walking through a cemetery.
She is old technology and practicality,
she is punctuality  and arriving
early with a peach smoothie in hand.
She is the cold shock of river water.
She is alternative music blaring from
a ****** car radio and a road trip
where everyone but the driver falls asleep.
She is rock candy and ice cream bars, riding the biggest
roller coaster ten times over again.
She is a content silence and
a sly smile.
She is mine and you cannot have her.

I will romanticize the things that I am
in poems.
Maybe then I can trick you into falling in love with me.

Crazy people, lovely people
bashing atoms, creating chaos,
What a supernova- you've created a ******* supernova.
and that's why there's a black hole now.
You're organic, so why live like you're plastic?
live, darling
******* live.

When I look at him I wonder if he even knows he's addicted. Addicted to the way she laughs, and how the curves of her mouth turn up into a smile. If he knows he is drunk on the way that she sighs at the rain, or how she talks to the cat late at night. Does he know that she is what makes his reality worth it? And at the same time I wonder if she knows. If she knows that he the reason the blood races through her veins. If she knows that he is the reason that her lungs feel so full. That he is the dizzy lightheadedness, the weightless feeling within. Does she know that he is what creates her earth?

A cat
is a fluffy ball
of fur
that is capable
of making everything better
with a rough
and wet lick
against the
warm tears on my
cheek

Bitter and angry
Are written into my skin and bones
I walk as a hurricane, an earthquake
You might love the storm,
But you'll never love the aftermath.
We are destined to fall apart.
I was meant to be alone.
Don't lie to me.
I might be a mess, but I know the truth.

I watched her get her ears pierced and it hurt me more than it hurt her because it made me think of the time I got mine pierced and you were there but now you're gone and I miss you but you don't miss me.

So it happens like this
Everyone is watching, and I'm begging
Look at me! Please!
For just a second, hour, day! Please!

Don't you see the issue? I'm constantly
Effecting everyone, every day
Still, I'm not, I'm not,
That important to the whole scheme
Really I should just walk away
Unless someone really cares, I'll fade
Care not, farewell
To the long drop and deep sleep,
I wish, I want, I would, I could if
Only I could give it up, A toast! To
No one, no where, no way, and no how

Jealousy.
As in the way you stay up late
texting her
not
me.
Or how we used to talk
every day.
Now you talk
with
her.
I told myself not to get
attached.
I told
myself,
People
Aren't
Permanent.
But I
failed to listen
to myself
again.
This time
you win.

I forget how to speak when I'm around you
And even in my dreams I'm left speechless too

I noticed a slight change in our relationship.
In the old days,
I would apologize for bothering you
and you would say I wasn't.

But now,
If I apologize for bothering you,
you say it's fine.

I guess I am a bother now.
I'm gonna stop bothering you.

I wonder if you will look back and regret this.
I wonder if we will know each other in five, ten, twenty years.
I wonder if we even really knew each other last week.
I wonder what you have planned for your future.
I wonder if you have even considered forgiving me.
I wonder if i want you to.

I wonder what your answer would be, if someone were to ask why we fell apart.
I wonder what mine would be if someone were to ask me the same thing.
"We were too different," I might say.
I wonder if I can blame you for what you did, instead of blaming her.

For now, I am content.
For now, I am not torn up inside.
For now, I have what I want.
I will see you later.
But at the same time, I will not.
Because we are never going to be exactly the same people ever again.
That's just the way time works.
Right?

So I will see a version of you again, in the future, wether you want to see me again or not.
And maybe we will catch ghosts of who we are now.
Only time will tell.

My chipped nails dig into your hand
and I say I'm sorry
but you tell me not to apologize
you tell me I can hold your hand as hard as I need to
you tell me it doesn’t hurt to feel loved like that

I'm sorry.

For what?

Everything.

I don't understand.

I know.

Will you explain?

No.

Why not?

I can't.
I'm sorry.

A day without you is meaningless.

You can't hurt me
If I can't hear you

I gave everyone a part of me
until I was a ghost.

We hold the galaxy in our hands, yet we still reach for the things we can't have.

Hey lovely,
Let me be the JD
To your Veronica
You said you liked the fact that I'm not crazy
Ha! Good luck with that one
You're right, I'm not into miscommunication
But!
I'm still a little itty bitty bit ******
In the head
That's okay though
I love you, my lovely

Do my lips look natural?
Because they're not.
Does my hair look natural?
Because it's not.
I'm a synthetic girl
I'm fake
And you could say I
#wokeuplikethis
Because I'm not awake
Until I've painted my face
And gone through the daily routine
Of using blonde hair to hide green
As if I could play off 3 colors
As a natural thing
My hair is messy (but cute)
In a natural way
And my cheeks are contoured
Because some girl had the audacity to say
They look better higher up
And I can't (just can't) go back to my old way
I paint my lips slightly thicker
Because that's just the trend
But if you could just lend
Me a hand in understanding
What natural even means?
Because I think it lost its meaning.

Sometimes when I feel very alone,
I want to call you and apologize in every language I know.

And then I remember that you do not miss me, you do not care about me, and you do not deserve an apology from me because I have done nothing wrong.

And then I feel a little bit more alone. And a little bit more okay with it.

There was a house overgrown with vines,
that dribbled with silence
when the windows were open
and the wind was high.

A girl and a cat lived in this house
and they were
least to say
cozy as a mouse

They were always happy
and they never did cry
they were immortal
and never could die

Outside the ivy house
was a constant wind storm
but inside they stayed
safe, cozy and warm

But the sharks in the clouds circled
and the vines twisted closer to the house
the girl clung to her cat
and the wind howled strong
the rabbits were swimming
and the fish were dancing along
and the wind got louder and louder

The vines confining
the girl trapped inside
was no longer content
she took her cat
and ran though the gap
into the wildly tangled  world

she sat in a tree
and soon came to find
while being cozy is nice
its not best all the time

so she still sits in her tree at night
petting her cat
and holding him tight
while in the day
she dances away with fish
and she swims with the rabbits
and flies with the sharks
feeling lovely in a world
of lights and darks

The criminal always revisits the scene of the crime, as if you were the criminal, and lying to me was the crime. Does that make me the victim? Well then who was the witness? Was she your accomplice? We have left this alone for a year, you moved on, I wasn't expecting to find you back here, where I am stuck on this metaphorical street, waiting, just waiting, for the criminal to return to the scene of the crime, all the while I was waving to passerby's and saying "I'm fine!" Was I lying? Would that be a crime? I'm fine, ******* it, I was doing just fine! Until the criminal decided to return to the scene of the crime, what's even the difference between a wrong and right lie? And what if I were to just say goodbye, to you and her and him, would that be okay? It not like we have much to say, part of the same crime, but on different sides, and what if I can't leave this metaphorical spot on the street? You could promise me to never come back, but we both know that would be a lie- because the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.

I am watching you
In my peripheral vision
And counting all the times you look at me (when you think I don't see)
By the end of the night it's at 43
That sounds pretty lucky to me

I care
SO MUCH.
At least,
I can pretend
To fit in with the emotions
Of the latest social trend.
I am cold.
I am controlled.
I know that empathy
Can further me.
If only I can pretend that I am not just pretending.

And me?
I became a new age pestilence
gone all the time
I had a new cough everyday
dark circles lined my red watery eyes.
I didn’t sleep
I didn’t eat
and when I did?
I puked it up,
you could sell me on TV
as death with a coffee cup.
I didn’t finish that project
so I took a hammer
to my wrist;
and when we learned that if someone died
during finals
the rest of us would pass?
You all laughed,
but my mind went dark
I began wondering
exactly when could
I slip cyanide
into that poor girls
hydroflask.
Can’t you see
what’s driving me?
These letter grades and GPA’s
are making me lose my mind;
you tell me I’m fine,
it doesn’t matter.
But what if i’m not great
at anything else?
What if I’m not good enough?
I just wanted to be good enough.

Shaky, stuttered breaths
Like there's no oxygen left
That's what you do to me
I'm sitting in the hallway on the stairs
It's like I was never even there
The light is dim
But I don't care
I wish you were here
To clear
My blurry, sloppy tears

Storm storm storm
I storm out of the room
I avoid eye contact out of shame
I shift, I slide
I rain, I reign

I didn't
have to say
"help me"
because you already
knew what to do.

When I sit late at night
and I'm alone
When the smoke escapes my lips
and I can't think
When the ***** runs through my veins
like blood
All I want to know is
Do you remember the time we almost fell in love?

You can try, but you'll never replace the meaning behind the places you try to rename.

Face the consequences of what you've done.

to be in love
and have no one to say it to

I miss you
the way you always knew how to listen
and never left when I told you to
because you knew something was wrong

I miss you
I thought I heard you sigh
but I turned to smile and
it was not you
just my imagination

I need you
Right now
next to me
letting my cry on you
and helping me from getting so
angry

You've been gone for only a year
but the cat has already forgotten your name

I miss you

And I will end the year the same way I started it.
Alone.

sometimes when we fight I just want to hear you say
i love you, please don't walk away

Scene: You were standing in a field with lots of lovely wildflowers.
There was blood everywhere,
A gallon and a half,
(to be almost exact)
And she was pale-
Like the moon,
If you want to be cliché, if not
maybe a piece of mozzarella
Ha! (What a cheesy metaphor!)
She was Still
Still
Still
But she was not Still breathing
Her lungs were ice, you can't
Catch your breath with a frozen chest.
So there she was lying in the sun,
Absolutely and totally covered in blood
And here they come-
the butterflies.
Growing up you saw pictures
of butterflies, sitting on flowers,
you probably even learned about their life cycle.
And when you got older someone told you

Hey! Did you know butterflies drink blood too?

And maybe you did know that and maybe you didn't, but the important part is that it's true and you probably haven't put much thought into it. I mean why would you?

anyway, my point.

The butterflies come and they perch on her arms, and chest, and eyes.
They rest, and they drink, and they live just a little bit longer and soon she is absolutely covered head to toe and you can't see her pale moon face, you just have to imagine that her body is under this chaotic blob, and more of them are coming and now all of them are fighting, and you never even thought that this was possible,
and now they're hitting each other and falling and dying and you, the luckiest soul gets to watch the battle of the butterflies.

The terrible grace of beauty under pressure.

you forgot about things we used to care about together
before everything we had got a little bit harder to have