I was never really close to the place
You used to tear your heart open
You claim
You think if you put on thick skin
We'll turn a blind eye
We'll be so hurt
That we will leave you alone
As we sulk and lick our wounds
And we will cry to our pillows
About how stupid we were to hurt you
As you laugh and you live
Your new life
(Without strife)
You left that all behind when you left us out dry
But we aren't crying
Or dying
Or beginning good byes
But we're sighing
And trying
To start again

I fell in love with the sky and maybe thats why i loved you. you were an angel and i was a mermaid, i sat in depths and i couldn’t get back up and live on the surface, like you could; i didn’t have wings; i couldn’t fly like you could; but i could swim into realities and see the pretty world the way that it was. it was so painful to look at the stars and know id never get there. maybe thats why i chose you


it turns out that you were not an angel and maybe I’m not a mermaid. thats all well and dandy because i’m going to reach the stars one day and frankly, i don’t care about you anymore.

i swear to god i'm gonna die
in one of these nameless steakhouses
to a backtrack of classical jazz
with my back straight
and my legs crossed
in a pretty dress
and stockings
my hair pulled up tight
(i have a headache- no one cares)
when i get handed a menu,
i barely look
i'm getting the cheapest salad
because that's polite, right?

i am a chess piece faking my way through a checkers board
running on an empty tank- go go go
fast!
Quick! here's a myth-
the asthmatic boy meets a girl burning up!
Both survive!
how do you say no thanks? no thanks!
your words are harsh red lines and they stab me and make me bleed.
stop asking me the same question.
i heard you the first time.
i did not want to answer.
the world is painstakingly dizzying and hopelessly loud.
Leave Me Alone

If I could make a wish
or get my way
I swear to stars
I’d make you stay
the moon I wouldn’t
second glance
if I just
had the chance
to hold your hand
or see the galaxies
exploding in
you eyes
I swear to stars
I tell no lies

I am Impatient
and Incessant
and I'm sure I will be
absolutely overdressed
to my own death.
My God
have you ever seen a girl
look so brokenhearted
over a dumb game of chess?
A debate lost in hate
and traveling affairs
luring in to the lustful
witches lairs.
I'm rhyming and dining
the newest generation
of plastic,
photo copy,
photo-shoot-ready,
instagram celebrities.
I'm no genius,
I'm just obsessed.
Do you get what I'm saying?
Because I certainly don't.

coffee crazy coffee crazy
drip drip drip drip
down the side of my mug
3 am
this is why i stay Away
from this stuff
coffee crazy
on my third cup
liquid prison
sitting dizzy
just one more please just
one more
i am not done working
4 am
it just felt like a few minutes
I’m loosing track of the
5 am
hours the clock is running faster with each
ounce
heart beat heart beat
unsteady
it’s horribly unsteady
it’s horribl-6 am-y unsteady
but i write and i write and i write
about every uncertain, earth shattering broken heart
and the unsteady shake of the earth and
the broken unsteady beats ripping me apart
7 am
sunrise and i am
b l i n d e d
by the soft uncentered light
drifting through my hazy hazy  window
and my legs are shaking and 8 am i am
sure i am dead
and by 9 i am six
feet
under
the ground

if you step back
i’ll run away
won’t wait to see
if you’ll stay
quick kid- till you’re out of breath
leave before you can get left

it was more convenient for you to go
so you left

I want to write about you poetically,
But you don't deserve my time.

I feel like I'm holding
your hollow hands together
sometimes,
and if I let go
your bones will tumble apart
and fall all the way down,
straight to hell

i swear i'll try not to let go,
but if i do-
i'll meet you there in nineteen years

i can’t even imagine you slept

you’re leaving me all your regrets, the only things you think you have left

you’re calling my bluff, while i’m getting undressed

i’m sick
of everything i do,
of all the pretty words that come from you

you used to be the only one i could trust
you say you cant trust me anymore

i ask for a break in mourning, in morning, in night, for you
i did it for you
you think I’m being selfish, you say you need a break from me too
but i didn’t want to, i did it all for you

You aren't weird
You're trying too hard to be
Anything but what you are
Which is perfectly normal

nothing lost
nothing gained
no more breaths
no one saved

Possessive and Dismissive
You have to do back flips to get her point,
She says she cares when she doesn't and
she says she doesn't care when she does
You can't worry about her because she can handle herself
But you have to worry
She snaps if she's in a bad mood
She snaps if she's in a good mood
She is New York and California
She is the sun and the moon
She is decisive and unsure
She seems a bit hard to love,
it's the only certain thing about her.

There is no more you to save me.

You say you still want to talk
I think it's better if we don't
Don't worry, I'm fine
My heart is just a bit broke

i am so self absorbed
i am basically a sponge
and you are a sink full of water
i will take all of you without even realizing it,
without even trying to because
that is just what i do

i always have cold feet
because i don’t eat
homeostasis
called me up on the phone
but i didn’t have the time
living life in the fast lane
desperately grasping at rhymes
i know why i’m always cold though
my friends and i race through the snow
in nothing but bikinis and speedos
i want to run away from you
because i don’t know how to speak
when i’m staring at your face
you touch your hand to my waist
i take vitamins to keep my hair from falling out
but i can track my symptoms in other ways
blacking out for days
dull eyes
yellow teeth
paranoia
and cold feet

Sometimes they get so caught up in hating each other they forget I even exist.

Pop-tarts are not as good as pop-tarts

i’d pick up but you never call

prying eyes think i’m dumb
but i’m not stupid
i’m just numb

i wanna shut everything off and just sit in my car
eyes dark, heart pounding,
how did i make it this far?
and while it looks like a long way,
it feels like nothing at all
and i’m staring off of edges
feeling slightly too tall
stumbling into
i give up and i’m sorry for even trying in the first place

You talk as if I am not there
As if you don't
acknowledge
me
Then I can not hear your words
that sting
These words are knives
And I am bleeding

too early
too late
“are you sure this is what
i’m supposed to do”
didn’t sleep
can’t eat
“you overthink”
true

She looked perfect
and absolutely beautiful.
So when she began to
question herself,
the way I often do myself,
I began to wonder if maybe I was beautiful too.

gold drunk
catching your eye across the bar
someone asked me to play piano that night
i took a breath and said sure i’ll fill in
you came up to me afterwards
“i didn’t know you could play, i didn’t know you could sing”
i told you i do my best and you offered me
a glass
you pushed it in my hand
didn’t really ask
(but you never really ever asked)
part of me thought i was just so cool
you were a bright purple neon light
against my wine red and navy blue
but i promise-
i knew exactly when i’d be done with you

I have known her my entire life, yet I will never understand her reluctance to live.

They told me that my memories of you
Would soften with time
I thought that maybe the storm might
Calm down to a drizzle
Maybe the wildfire might
Die down to a single flame
Maybe the dagger
Would go dull
But my expectations of these memories
Were not the best
Because this storm is now a hurricane
And this wildfire has gone and burned down all of the mountains and the valleys
And this dagger
Is a razor blade at my throat,
I'm gonna choke
On this memory
Of you and me
I'm just a shell of who I used to be
Is time our greatest enemy?
Or was I yours,
And yours me?

Either way it's killing me.

I'm invisible.
And I couldn't be happier.

attention seeker
(attention *****)
i haven’t slept in a year
(that’s impossible)
I feel like i haven’t slept in a year
(i feel worse than you)
i know.
- i know
(you know?)
I know.
-you really hurt me by loving someone else before you knew me
(that doesn’t make sense
that’s not fair)
i know.
-sometimes i imagine terrible things to make myself feel better
(that’s weird)
i know- i know
(what things)
going blind and getting sick and dying and losing all my friends and getting cheated on and crying, i imagine myself crying a lot
(why)
i told you
-it makes me feel better
(this isn’t even a real poem)
i know
(you can’t write ****)
i know
(you’re a lazy slob)
i know
(you’re pathetic)
i know.
(….)
i know.
(i didn’t say anything)
i know.
(is that all you can say)
no
(so you agree with me)
yes
(good.)

To the girl with a crooked smile
I haven't seen you for a while
But last time I did
You were sporting a split lip
And a black eye
Are you alright?
It always looks like you've just lost a fight.
I gave you my address
In case you needed to escape
To a safe place
But you never came
Did you find a better place
To play hide and seek?
And as the news come on
It's looking rather bleak.
Tragedy struck our little town tonight
Because dad got drunk
And you didn't want to fight.

Every sentence is punctuated with a little sigh
because I know I lose more of your attention every second
and you don't even bother to listen now,
you fight back ,
you help me drown.

I'm sitting in a bathtub
And it's midnight,
I'm trying not to drown myself
But I'm already drowning
Like the fact that I'm all alone
And I don't want to go back
To where I used to call home
Because I'm not missed there anymore
And I wish that I could say the same
But I'm missing the doll-like faces
Stuck in porcelain places
It's just a stupid memory
Of being  happy
And I know it isn't real
But maybe it could have been
Maybe I'm just an idiot
Because everyone has moved on
To bigger things and bigger people
And I have not

I used to long for your affection
But now I'm asking myself the question
How did you ever catch my attention?
Did I want to be hurt?
Because, *******, you're a ****
And it's driving me berserk
To see
Exactly
Who I thought you wouldn't be
But the rose colored glasses are off
And I just have to scoff
Because I never realized who you were
And I really hate who you are.

i didn’t ask where you were back from
it was too painful just to know you were gone

starving myself
into submission
the casual result
of unchecked ambition
the focusing factors
the aderall
and ritalin
try to drown me but
i hang tight
on the sight
of an unbroken vision
my actions, my words
under constant revision
revisit the sites
where i break
down decisions
had options
i lost them in
thoughtless
metacognition
and
i know i’m long gone
cause i’m stuck in remission

I trusted you with all of my heart,
but you decided to tear me apart.

slippery word
you say it like you mean it
by which i mean
you don’t
scratching at my lungs
cool
lifting up your tongue
cool
i do what i say i won’t

cool

you wanted to burn,
and I want to drown,
so I guess in the end
we're both going down

And then I realized- painkillers don't do **** for heartache.

You pushed me out
And I probably should have stayed
But it's September again
And these are my vulnerable days
Where I'm left to wonder
Why I can't ever be enough

***** inspo and thinspo
and online shopping
***** book clubs
and parties
cleaning and mopping
***** whining
and dining
lying and stalking
***** radio hosts
and all their
nonstop talking
***** everything
that ever made me sad
when i’m starving so much
that i think ive gone mad
start a fight cause i’m hungry
it’ll end when i’m not
ask- is this life worth living?
cause it’s all that i got

I often wonder the unintended consequences of a good deed.

when you think of me am i the worst? do you even think of me? I see you in my dreams sometimes and try to explain how much I miss you. you ask me why are you being so mean? And I say this isn't real. Do you ever look for me in the background the same way I look for you? Do you regret the choices you made? Or was leaving me behind something you look back on with confidence. I cry when I miss you but I just can't imagine you doing the same. I wish I could wish you were doing well but honestly I hope you burn without me. How dare you be okay. How dare you not miss me. How long will it take me to move on? I don't know. Maybe I won't.

She wears her heart on her sleeve
Quite literally,
And with a needle
And some ink
She writes her own destiny

If he did care about you,
then you wouldn't be wondering if he did.

It's the hope that gets you