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6d · 22
gg
jinx 6d
gg
when you think of me am i the worst? do you even think of me? I see you in my dreams sometimes and try to explain how much I miss you. you ask me why are you being so mean? And I say this isn't real. Do you ever look for me in the background the same way I look for you? Do you regret the choices you made? Or was leaving me behind something you look back on with confidence. I cry when I miss you but I just can't imagine you doing the same. I wish I could wish you were doing well but honestly I hope you burn without me. How dare you be okay. How dare you not miss me. How long will it take me to move on? I don't know. Maybe I won't.
Dec 2023 · 41
cat bite/midnight
jinx Dec 2023
biting, burning, clawing, stirring
ripping, tearing, teasing, pulling
seams are stretching
eyes are pooling
sick and angry
tired, moody
apologies are overdue
not sure what’s been owed to who
don’t swim, just sink
don’t fly, just fall
dont scream for help
while you quietly stall
im disappointed
im disappointing
and
i see the lights press on between
the darkened streets im wandering
stretched like taffy
stuck like glue
are you mine
or do i belong to you?
Sep 2023 · 52
so soft
jinx Sep 2023
how close to you i feel
i hear your heart beat from miles away
i feel the warmth of your love
on my cold rainy days

i tell you everything.
i speak more clearly to you
than i ever have to myself

i am soft, i am plain, i am calm
you are a lifeboat
you are a lighthouse
my love, my lover, my lovely
fell so head over heels that it completely changed my writing style??
Jun 2023 · 321
level 4 sv parking garage
jinx Jun 2023
i wanna shut everything off and just sit in my car
eyes dark, heart pounding,
how did i make it this far?
and while it looks like a long way,
it feels like nothing at all
and i’m staring off of edges
feeling slightly too tall
stumbling into
i give up and i’m sorry for even trying in the first place
Jun 2023 · 102
honesty and all that junk
jinx Jun 2023
i miss you

being vulnerable is very scary, and to be honest with you, i’m not currently the biggest fan. like whats the deal with putting all the sensitive squishy parts out to get stabbed? and why does it feel so **** good when they don’t?

please be patient with me! i am still learning! i am still growing! i am getting better every day!

i am feeling. very shaky and many things at once. but when i’m numb i always miss the feeling of feeling so even if it hurts i’m going to enjoy it
Jun 2023 · 93
moving on
jinx Jun 2023
sometimes i regret the endings
i chose so carefully for us,
plagued by constant what ifs,
scratching my pen at the storyboard of you and me,
trying to start another chapter to the book i loved for so long

i can only pray that
you stay missing me
and i stay missing
Jun 2023 · 318
ucla
jinx Jun 2023
prying eyes think i’m dumb
but i’m not stupid
i’m just numb
Jun 2023 · 88
zoned out
jinx Jun 2023
different day
same ****
silent in the passenger seat
someone else’s
music blaring
car speeding
blank staring
jinx Jun 2023
i’m half alive on my drive home
cursing out the plates in front of me-
“decide, Delaware!” “figure it out, florida!”
treating the road lines as suggestions
as i speed along home to sleep.
and when i get there, the door creaks open in greeting, i toss my **** down on the counter
and pull my numb, freezing feet out of my work boots, thinking all the while
“crap i tracked mud in on the carpet again”
i bounce on my heels to reach the heater,
turning it Up Up Up so i can finally feel okay again.
when i think about dinner, it’s just pause
i tear open the fridge door and see
redbull zero and diet pepsi
jinx May 2021
i felt like ****
so i stopped into speedway to cash out and buy bang
and i still felt like **** so i bought $40 vitamins
and the label promised they’d solve all my problems,
but they couldn’t even fix my skin
every time i get paid? i spend it
every last ******* cent goes to retail therapy- the only therapy i cant afford but indulge in anyway
maybe i should’ve listened to my psych
maybe i shouldn’t lie at every meeting
maybe i- maybe i- maybe i
should have let them put me away
it doesn’t matter
i push it, shove it, cry it down
“It Doesn’t ******* Matter”
i chant it to myself like a prayer, a last message to god before i drag myself down to hell
on my bruised knees i sit
not talking to the lord,
just ******* ****
Jun 2020 · 144
you.
jinx Jun 2020
high on love
and stable
for the first time
i think that i’m able,
even capable,
of living out a future worth living.
Apr 2020 · 124
b i t t e r
jinx Apr 2020
bitter much?
yeah i’m bitter

never gonna be one of the group
one of the guys
we don’t share friends
we only share lies

what the **** is my problem?
its you
its true

you lie to me
cover it up
i’m too far ahead
watch you clean it up

i pretend that i don’t
exhausted, overwhelmed
the kind of pain in my chest that i can’t scream out

i wake up and
everything hurts
Apr 2020 · 95
never really gone
jinx Apr 2020
i am tearing myself apart at the seams
second guessing second guesses
waiting for something else
something other than me
to justify me
and the space i fill
and fill and fill

who am i to say who i am?
what power do i have?
all i do is fall
and rip
and tear
until there’s nothing left for me to
pull and pick at

taking showers in the dark
and skipping breakfast
my ****** knuckles broke the mirror
it was them not me
not me
Oct 2019 · 346
net worth 0
jinx Oct 2019
nothing lost
nothing gained
no more breaths
no one saved
Sep 2019 · 187
and i am still holding on
jinx Sep 2019
i did not let go.
i held on till there was nothing left to hold on to.
i held on even when the string tightened and cracked my bones.
i held on through rope-burn until i had no skin left.
“and was it worth it?
what did you get in return?”
a broken hand.
Aug 2019 · 396
running in circles
jinx Aug 2019
if you step back
i’ll run away
won’t wait to see
if you’ll stay
quick kid- till you’re out of breath
leave before you can get left
Aug 2019 · 212
just screw it
jinx Aug 2019
***** inspo and thinspo
and online shopping
***** book clubs
and parties
cleaning and mopping
***** whining
and dining
lying and stalking
***** radio hosts
and all their
nonstop talking
***** everything
that ever made me sad
when i’m starving so much
that i think ive gone mad
start a fight cause i’m hungry
it’ll end when i’m not
ask- is this life worth living?
cause it’s all that i got
Jul 2019 · 523
to be lonely
jinx Jul 2019
to be in love
and have no one to say it to
May 2019 · 334
mama
jinx May 2019
i’d pick up but you never call
jinx Mar 2019
starving myself
into submission
the casual result
of unchecked ambition
the focusing factors
the aderall
and ritalin
try to drown me but
i hang tight
on the sight
of an unbroken vision
my actions, my words
under constant revision
revisit the sites
where i break
down decisions
had options
i lost them in
thoughtless
metacognition
and
i know i’m long gone
cause i’m stuck in remission
Mar 2019 · 161
you, you, you
jinx Mar 2019
i went to sleep late
woke up hazy and grey
i rolled out of bed
to face a new, ugly day
i said it was over
i wish that thought stayed
but you're still a ******* liar
so nothing has changed
Mar 2019 · 165
texas part 2
jinx Mar 2019
just “ok”
because that’s so you
making plans
with no follow through
Feb 2019 · 152
size 7
jinx Feb 2019
face wasted
broken phone clutched in hand
as i climb into my best friends prius
thinking back to this morning
when my size seven jeans
slid off my empty hips
back onto the bedroom floor
same place
where the rest of my clothes lie
stripped off after last night
i melt like butter in your hands
but that’s okay
i’d rather fall to you than
anyone else, anyway
Nov 2018 · 321
vaguely remember
jinx Nov 2018
gold drunk
catching your eye across the bar
someone asked me to play piano that night
i took a breath and said sure i’ll fill in
you came up to me afterwards
“i didn’t know you could play, i didn’t know you could sing”
i told you i do my best and you offered me
a glass
you pushed it in my hand
didn’t really ask
(but you never really ever asked)
part of me thought i was just so cool
you were a bright purple neon light
against my wine red and navy blue
but i promise-
i knew exactly when i’d be done with you
jinx Oct 2018
all my friends are scared of intimacy
but i still **** like a rabbit
i hate myself
but i still love all my bad habits  
thought i could write
guess i was wrong
the world is a stage
and i’m playing along
but i don’t know this show
-don’t know the words,
don’t know where to go
i’m missing the blocking
it’s overwhelming
it’s shocking
but does anyone know all of the prose?
do i need to know where everyone goes?
maybe it’s time to pull a kerouac
spend some time on the road
get out of my head
lighten my load
but i know enough to know
that i’ll never go
too scared of what’s next
of death, the unknown
so i’ll just keep playing
one confused lonely pawn
throw my heart on the stage
while the audience yawns
Oct 2018 · 335
cold feet, hollow
jinx Oct 2018
i always have cold feet
because i don’t eat
homeostasis
called me up on the phone
but i didn’t have the time
living life in the fast lane
desperately grasping at rhymes
i know why i’m always cold though
my friends and i race through the snow
in nothing but bikinis and speedos
i want to run away from you
because i don’t know how to speak
when i’m staring at your face
you touch your hand to my waist
i take vitamins to keep my hair from falling out
but i can track my symptoms in other ways
blacking out for days
dull eyes
yellow teeth
paranoia
and cold feet
Aug 2018 · 255
cool (one word answers)
jinx Aug 2018
slippery word
you say it like you mean it
by which i mean
you don’t
scratching at my lungs
cool
lifting up your tongue
cool
i do what i say i won’t

cool
Aug 2018 · 333
anxious (one word answers)
jinx Aug 2018
too early
too late
“are you sure this is what
i’m supposed to do”
didn’t sleep
can’t eat
“you overthink”
true
Jul 2018 · 176
hung up
jinx Jul 2018
filling up
emotional mess
like coldplay
a rush of blood to the head
i am not a motel
but you take what you need
and you leave me anyway
in the dark waiting for
a call that will never come
Apr 2018 · 193
(leftovers)
jinx Apr 2018
i don't your spare time,
i want to be your girl
(you only care when you think you're losing me)
Apr 2018 · 190
11.11
jinx Apr 2018
for two minutes each day
i’m all yours
Jan 2018 · 187
fear ruins everything
jinx Jan 2018
i’m just a scared little kid
afraid of losing what
i already lost
Dec 2017 · 380
well
jinx Dec 2017
i can’t even imagine you slept

you’re leaving me all your regrets, the only things you think you have left

you’re calling my bluff, while i’m getting undressed

i’m sick
of everything i do,
of all the pretty words that come from you

you used to be the only one i could trust
you say you cant trust me anymore

i ask for a break in mourning, in morning, in night, for you
i did it for you
you think I’m being selfish, you say you need a break from me too
but i didn’t want to, i did it all for you
jinx Nov 2017
my ex-lovers mouth is not a
place I'm proud of lurking
drowned in alcohol and cigarettes
he said
were from all the stress of working
remind me again why you liked me? it was faulty at best
Sep 2017 · 215
people
jinx Sep 2017
there is your sister, there is your sister brilliant and shining in every way you are not, and there is your brother, blindingly talented and everything you are not, and because they are the opposite of you, you expect them to be the same, but they aren't, there's 10 billion types of people and you are the worst of them
Sep 2017 · 449
summertime
jinx Sep 2017
i swear to god i'm gonna die
in one of these nameless steakhouses
to a backtrack of classical jazz
with my back straight
and my legs crossed
in a pretty dress
and stockings
my hair pulled up tight
(i have a headache- no one cares)
when i get handed a menu,
i barely look
i'm getting the cheapest salad
because that's polite, right?
jinx Sep 2017
i am a chess piece faking my way through a checkers board
running on an empty tank- go go go
fast!
Quick! here's a myth-
the asthmatic boy meets a girl burning up!
Both survive!
how do you say no thanks? no thanks!
your words are harsh red lines and they stab me and make me bleed.
stop asking me the same question.
i heard you the first time.
i did not want to answer.
the world is painstakingly dizzying and hopelessly loud.
Leave Me Alone
Jun 2017 · 211
sunlight
jinx Jun 2017
it's so hard to be sad around you, i wish i could steal your light all the time
Jun 2017 · 263
rip
jinx Jun 2017
rip
you wanted to burn,
and I want to drown,
so I guess in the end
we're both going down
May 2017 · 305
when did it become 1 am
jinx May 2017
attention seeker
(attention *****)
i haven’t slept in a year
(that’s impossible)
I feel like i haven’t slept in a year
(i feel worse than you)
i know.
- i know
(you know?)
I know.
-you really hurt me by loving someone else before you knew me
(that doesn’t make sense
that’s not fair)
i know.
-sometimes i imagine terrible things to make myself feel better
(that’s weird)
i know- i know
(what things)
going blind and getting sick and dying and losing all my friends and getting cheated on and crying, i imagine myself crying a lot
(why)
i told you
-it makes me feel better
(this isn’t even a real poem)
i know
(you can’t write ****)
i know
(you’re a lazy slob)
i know
(you’re pathetic)
i know.
(….)
i know.
(i didn’t say anything)
i know.
(is that all you can say)
no
(so you agree with me)
yes
(good.)
Apr 2017 · 3.8k
you look tired (of me)
jinx Apr 2017
you leave me breathless and strung out
in the late night, wrapped up but cold
staring at my phone screen waiting for
you to say anything
you tell me to go to sleep
(it's some passive aggressive *******)
i go to sleep anyway
Apr 2017 · 389
skeleton lover
jinx Apr 2017
I feel like I'm holding
your hollow hands together
sometimes,
and if I let go
your bones will tumble apart
and fall all the way down,
straight to hell

i swear i'll try not to let go,
but if i do-
i'll meet you there in nineteen years
love you
jinx Mar 2017
Hey lovely,
Let me be the JD
To your Veronica
You said you liked the fact that I'm not crazy
Ha! Good luck with that one
You're right, I'm not into miscommunication
But!
I'm still a little itty bitty bit ******
In the head
That's okay though
I love you, my lovely
jinx Jan 2017
hello hello hello again
you made me cry again
i said i wouldn’t spill tears over you
i said i was sick of
singing tragedy
i purged you
i burned you
i ran from you
i ran into myself
bitter
selfish
burning burning burning alive
stop being so casual
god
this is not a casual conversation
stop breaking my heart
you **** me up
lets jump off cliffs together
lets become star crossed lovers
you broke my heart
you broke me
stop it stop it stop it
i am not
strong
you were supposed to be strong
i am too weak
to carry this
god
please
drop the casualties
Jan 2017 · 425
coffee crazy
jinx Jan 2017
coffee crazy coffee crazy
drip drip drip drip
down the side of my mug
3 am
this is why i stay Away
from this stuff
coffee crazy
on my third cup
liquid prison
sitting dizzy
just one more please just
one more
i am not done working
4 am
it just felt like a few minutes
I’m loosing track of the
5 am
hours the clock is running faster with each
ounce
heart beat heart beat
unsteady
it’s horribly unsteady
it’s horribl-6 am-y unsteady
but i write and i write and i write
about every uncertain, earth shattering broken heart
and the unsteady shake of the earth and
the broken unsteady beats ripping me apart
7 am
sunrise and i am
b l i n d e d
by the soft uncentered light
drifting through my hazy hazy  window
and my legs are shaking and 8 am i am
sure i am dead
and by 9 i am six
feet
under
the ground
Dec 2016 · 287
where
jinx Dec 2016
i didn’t ask where you were back from
it was too painful just to know you were gone
Dec 2016 · 2.1k
Call my Aunt Marie
jinx Dec 2016
You were my
Perfect porcelain doll
I left you buried in a garden,
like that book we both loved

I'm sorry
Dec 2016 · 1.4k
La fille en feu
jinx Dec 2016
Burn me to the ground, and we're both going down, I'll give you the same respect you've given me and god I wish I could see it all differently, but I deserve no sympathy, what a lovely tragedy, that I leave this mess, this burning house in misery, while you sit content in your unseen demise.
You'd never know but I could never hurt you, I'll keep you safe from this rising fire in my ocean, I'll never hurt you, love, I swear to god I'll never hurt you
I hate you
Nov 2016 · 550
I like to avoid my problems
jinx Nov 2016
Storm storm storm
I storm out of the room
I avoid eye contact out of shame
I shift, I slide
I rain, I reign
Nov 2016 · 240
Heartgirl
jinx Nov 2016
She wears her heart on her sleeve
Quite literally,
And with a needle
And some ink
She writes her own destiny
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