when you think of me am i the worst? do you even think of me? I see you in my dreams sometimes and try to explain how much I miss you. you ask me why are you being so mean? And I say this isn't real. Do you ever look for me in the background the same way I look for you? Do you regret the choices you made? Or was leaving me behind something you look back on with confidence. I cry when I miss you but I just can't imagine you doing the same. I wish I could wish you were doing well but honestly I hope you burn without me. How dare you be okay. How dare you not miss me. How long will it take me to move on? I don't know. Maybe I won't.

biting, burning, clawing, stirring
ripping, tearing, teasing, pulling
seams are stretching
eyes are pooling
sick and angry
tired, moody
apologies are overdue
not sure what’s been owed to who
don’t swim, just sink
don’t fly, just fall
dont scream for help
while you quietly stall
im disappointed
im disappointing
and
i see the lights press on between
the darkened streets im wandering
stretched like taffy
stuck like glue
are you mine
or do i belong to you?

how close to you i feel
i hear your heart beat from miles away
i feel the warmth of your love
on my cold rainy days

i tell you everything.
i speak more clearly to you
than i ever have to myself

i am soft, i am plain, i am calm
you are a lifeboat
you are a lighthouse
my love, my lover, my lovely

i wanna shut everything off and just sit in my car
eyes dark, heart pounding,
how did i make it this far?
and while it looks like a long way,
it feels like nothing at all
and i’m staring off of edges
feeling slightly too tall
stumbling into
i give up and i’m sorry for even trying in the first place

i miss you

being vulnerable is very scary, and to be honest with you, i’m not currently the biggest fan. like whats the deal with putting all the sensitive squishy parts out to get stabbed? and why does it feel so **** good when they don’t?

please be patient with me! i am still learning! i am still growing! i am getting better every day!

i am feeling. very shaky and many things at once. but when i’m numb i always miss the feeling of feeling so even if it hurts i’m going to enjoy it

sometimes i regret the endings
i chose so carefully for us,
plagued by constant what ifs,
scratching my pen at the storyboard of you and me,
trying to start another chapter to the book i loved for so long

i can only pray that
you stay missing me
and i stay missing

prying eyes think i’m dumb
but i’m not stupid
i’m just numb