how close to you i feel
i hear your heart beat from miles away
i feel the warmth of your love
on my cold rainy days

i tell you everything.
i speak more clearly to you
than i ever have to myself

i am soft, i am plain, i am calm
you are a lifeboat
you are a lighthouse
my love, my lover, my lovely

i wanna shut everything off and just sit in my car
eyes dark, heart pounding,
how did i make it this far?
and while it looks like a long way,
it feels like nothing at all
and i’m staring off of edges
feeling slightly too tall
stumbling into
i give up and i’m sorry for even trying in the first place

i miss you

being vulnerable is very scary, and to be honest with you, i’m not currently the biggest fan. like whats the deal with putting all the sensitive squishy parts out to get stabbed? and why does it feel so **** good when they don’t?

please be patient with me! i am still learning! i am still growing! i am getting better every day!

i am feeling. very shaky and many things at once. but when i’m numb i always miss the feeling of feeling so even if it hurts i’m going to enjoy it

sometimes i regret the endings
i chose so carefully for us,
plagued by constant what ifs,
scratching my pen at the storyboard of you and me,
trying to start another chapter to the book i loved for so long

i can only pray that
you stay missing me
and i stay missing

prying eyes think i’m dumb
but i’m not stupid
i’m just numb

different day
same ****
silent in the passenger seat
someone else’s
music blaring
car speeding
blank staring

i’m half alive on my drive home
cursing out the plates in front of me-
“decide, Delaware!” “figure it out, florida!”
treating the road lines as suggestions
as i speed along home to sleep.
and when i get there, the door creaks open in greeting, i toss my **** down on the counter
and pull my numb, freezing feet out of my work boots, thinking all the while
“crap i tracked mud in on the carpet again”
i bounce on my heels to reach the heater,
turning it Up Up Up so i can finally feel okay again.
when i think about dinner, it’s just pause
i tear open the fridge door and see
redbull zero and diet pepsi