And that's how you exist in my head
When I hear your name that's what I think
You're an idea, a mantra
Too big to ever shrink

You're too large to ever wander
Too bright to ignore
And when you come close to me
I get this feeling that assures..
Me.
That you're religious, youre holy
You're a spirit, control me
I speak in tongues, mold me
Don't give in to the old me

Awaken me, give in
To the sinners and the sins.
Be my arms, be my lips
Erase past relationships

Guide me, be my arms
Be my legs, snake my charm
Empty me of loathing
Empty me of clothing.

Mercurial in my moods,
I switch up, off and on
Mercury rules me
Disputations nailed upon
My churches doors
Gemini explores
Sagittarius saged
and Cancer galore

You cannot buy indulgences
And use them on me
The only swaying I do
Is when the wind blows the trees
On a cool summer evening
When the Moon is nigh
And Orion looks down
From his hunt in the sky

It's so hard not to equate my worth with my beauty
I wish I could rip off my skin and my bones and muscles so that the only thing left was my brain
My thoughts
My love
My spirit
I hope we end up like that somehow in the end...***** of energy that emulate our spirit
The way we saw the world
The way we tried

I feel like I'm wasting time
Being sad over things I know aren't tangible and connected to my worth
It's so hard to separate my brain from what I was brought up to believe
I've learned that if my stomach is flat enough and skin is clear enough that everyone will like me

(They will. It's true.) Everyone falls in love with a beautiful person a little bit
As if they did something to deserve or create their physical appearance
The only thing that happened to create them is animalistic

We are all animals in the end
Reduced to dust, funneled through plants, eaten by animals, who are eaten by something bigger
A vicious cycle of death and rebirth
There is nothing left for us. Our minds have created a world soft enough to tread through; protected by gods and love and kindness

If you're really a nice person, you'll be rewarded
There is no reward. There is no secret. We are all here to exist and make the most of it
I'm not making the most of it. I'm sitting and dealing with oth(my)ers expectations
I'm going through stress to make my life harder
For what?
Acceptance? To get along with other animals?
We all start, act, and end the same; as animals.

I'm awake, no sleep in sight
5:45am. The cogs keep turning and the fog keeps burning and I find myself
Wide eyed. In love.
I inhale the darkness with every breath, breathing deeper than usual
I inhale this smoke with a vengeance
Fresh air. For once in my ******* life I feel whole
Is it you?
Is it the shade?
Is it the love we made?

Don't make me go to sleep because I know when I wake it will be gone. Let me stay. Let me soak. Keep me woke.

I was taught to love you from birth
You raised me and taught me, watched me grow
As I'm older, you've changed
Rearranged the priorities I thought you had
I've had a hunger for knowledge for years
I thought you did too

Yet you yell about 'them'
'They're ruining america'
'I don't want them near me'
How did you raise me, how did I not know all this time?

How did you hold me in as an infant, with your arms balled up in fists?
How did you kiss me with poison on your lips?

I am from you, you are in me
Take my blood and let it reach your veins
I am immune to whatever plagues these childhood heroes
Maybe they got lost along the way
I've tried to help, but the poison takes over
Clouds their thoughts, they yell

I've looked up to them for twenty years
twenty ways they've wronged me
twenty ways they've hurt me
and twenty years still, I will love them
Because I will not kiss my children with poisoned lips
The poison stops with me

Running through your mind
I'm not just one of them
Not that I mind
But we are more than that

Forever you will be etched into my mind
I'll remember the mistake we made
And how many more mistakes I wanted to make with you

But there's things in the way, my pride, your pride, our pride
In a perfect world I would explore you
You would be the world I would spend my entire life experiencing

But we are too different
The timing is wrong
It always is
I know you understand
No matter what we will always love each other

And your mom will always ask about me

And I'll always end up thinking about you

I'll even wonder how you're doing
When I'm pregnant and marrying my love

You'll always be special
You were always kind
I will always love you
You will always be mine
I will always be yours

Soul mates in a different sense
A sense of completion
Not always romantic
But two birds of a feather

A beautiful feather
A beautiful bird
A beautiful love, soaring above them all

Valencia Oranges
A yellow coated dream
Mustard-colored-tiles-are-much-colder-than-they-seem
Swimming in a sweatshirt
Watery-eyed and rosy cheeked
Music playing faintly
Curiosity is peaked
I imagine waking up
To humidity and cream
In my coffee, jingle my loft key
As I walk my way upstream


Sunglasses tint
All the oranges red
Valencia enters my veins
Rouged and widespread

Rain reminds me of you because it is reminiscent of the receptive and raw eros that engrossed my brain;
every interaction provided a drop of ransom to my heart,
which you held priso(ner-vous) hands and pituitary glands slam into the back of cabs

with such frazzled force that
they will brand their passion into passengers

who will jam their own uncontrollable acid into the same canvassed seat,

and they will rub it off on everyone they meet,

and rain will continue to fall

and I will continue to call

and every drop reminds me of you,
what you've done and what you've put me through

I hate that I find beauty as the world burns down around me
The leaves turn red, yellow, orange, dying
I sit there and watch them fall as I read my phone, contemplating how natural it is for them to die
Like clockwork, they break
Like clockwork, they turn

Winter spring summer and
fallbackwards in time
I go
A pattern of leave(s)

Falling away

As if summer never touched them
And spring didn't water their roots.

Winter was just a phase
You knew that those rainy May days
Were my version of love.

It is never the right time for me
So I will always see fall
At the end of it all
I go through withdrawal
And still in the stall
As the archer-man calls
With an arrow and bow
Flaming, he throws.

Fire created
Spring desecrated
Summer repudiated
Winter reinstated
Fall and backwards, amalgamated.

I am lightning
I am rain
I am glitter down the shower drain
I am lipgloss in the wind
I am angel food cake, sweet and thinned

I'm a hammer, beating down
I'm a rose, thorns in crown
I'm a fall breeze, swift and cold
I'm a melody, sweet and old

I'm the sound you hear when you unlock a locked door
I am the sound that a gun makes when it's cocked more
I am cherries, blueberries, yellow canaries
Flying around like springtime fairies

I am a drip in a cave, an ultraviolet wave
I am the seashells you take home from the seashore to save
I am all these things, I have much more in store
But you'll never know because I'm not yours anymore

Any love I've ever found has escaped, like I captured it against its will
Only wanting me when you're drunk
Only wanting me when it's night
Only wanting me because I'm close
Only wanting me because you thought I was something else

Never enough. Not yet. I know I'm more than this but somehow my feelings just keep getting twisted and stepped on and it's making me feel bad
It's making me feel bad
It's hurting me now

I really loved you
I really tried
The same lips you kissed me with
Told me goodbye

I saw you posted a few hours ago that it was raining outside your window

It's raining here now - the first time in awhile.
It must be the same storm. How odd that I never think of how close we are
On this tiny little planet
Under this tiny little sun
Feeling the rain from the same storm.

It's funny, isn't it?
The same angels that bowled over your head are still playing
The rain that's falling has been around since earths creation
I hear it pouring now. Loud, but silent.

My mother likes to stand outside and watch the Lightning strike
Maybe she watched the same storm we did
Maybe she's feeling the rain her ancestors felt.
Maybe she's at peace.

I'm not tryna interfere, I'm just really down

Until you ground me, you sow your seeds, plant roots in me. 
You water me with sweat, you cover me in ***** words, you shower me in love, make me feel human for once.


I’m not tryna interfere, I’m just really down

I can’t leave now, you’ve rooted me, straight into the ground.

I would give anything
To be in his arms right now

I would give my soul
To see his grow

I would live a thousand lives
Just to be in his

But I remember what mamma told me
Don't let men close any doors

I think we know when someone's worth giving in
and Giving in to love and realizing, he is 'him'

Knowing that this man has found
the half of your soul
That the Greeks said was lost, finding him was your goal

He's the light at night
That keeps demons away
I have strength but he reminds me I am not prey

Red sheets and the
Cool sides of my crimson pillow case.
Warm air
Breezes into my brand new place.
My fan is rotating
The birds are conversating
The sun will rise soon
And then it will be noon
And then the day will be done
But I'll still feel the sun
From my heart beat sheets
And my room, complete.

My dreams are more vivid now
I'm out of the fog
I have a schedule, a routine, a home
Yet somehow I still can't sleep
I stay up too late
Just thinking, being, processing myself
Eternally exhausted
Permanent gray weights sit underneath my eyes, pulling them down towards the inferno
I feel pretty though, I get attention
I feel light most days
Until night comes
I slip, I fall, I carry this weight until I'm alone
And it all comes crashing down
In the fog of night.

Maybe I stay awake so late because I like the quiet
Maybe I love dark colors because my whole soul is violet
Maybe I love warm food because my heart needs warmth and kindness
Maybe I'm searching for something because I usually find less

Sapphic sapphires glisten in the moon
These ladies say that Hades makes them as dry as a sand dune
Maleficent and Cruella mark their spells on their heads
And quietly they tiptoe and sneakily their treads-
Move with a rhythm only grace can create
Enchanting are these women, seeing them is fate
To be an audience member to their auras and their moves
Is an opportunity that is divine, spiritually proved
Indigo in color, L words leave their lips
Straight and curvy bones and fat   vibrate from their hips
They mesmerize, they enchant, they let their inhibitions soar
Until they dance away, unhinged, and you can't see them anymore
Remember this encounter, it is one that will inspire
It will make you feel a type of way, it will ignite a fire

I overheat because my thoughts are running fast in my mind
I turn on the air to cool me down but my dreamcatcher blows in its wind
It blows my nightmares so that I can only catch glimpses when I wake
But the feeling of it lingers
I can't remember though
It's like my body defends itself against the bad feelings

Why is my brain blocking things that it made itself
Why am I attacking my own thoughts
Why am I thinking

Why is my brain parasitic
Why does my saliva taste acidic
Why did we evolve to feel this strangely
God wouldn't do this to me

His ancient grip on women is ignored by modern ones
The tighter he squeezes, the more life is drained out of us
Why are humans so violent
Why are we so parasitic
Why does my saliva taste acidic
Why did we evolve to feel this strangely
God wouldn't do this to me

I laid in your bed, touching your body with the same hands that cursed it hours before
They cursed all men, pointing at the deceit and insecurities I have about myself

They pointed at me, then back at you, then back at me.
A cycle of love and hate, processing and empathy.

The curves of your body made me numb
The vibrations of your pump every hour
The vibrations of your pumping heart every second I could feel it in my hands every time I lingered just a bit too long
My fingers whispering secrets to your skin

As you talked on the phone, worlds away, in your language, I paused
I admired you. Strong not only by the arms I was holding, but by the head I was kissing
Your love for me seemed so great in those 11 hours.

Maybe 10. I'll round up in this case.

2pm and I finally make it back
You text me,

'did you make it back ok?'

It made me smile.
I walked three flights of steps back to my home.

'No, I died'

But part of me had
Friendship had turned to love
Love had turned into resentment
Resentment turned into heartache
They leave they leave they leave. They always leave.
And I sit here, alone
Wondering what I could have done to make you stay.

Maybe I admire the way you treat me as if I'm the only ******* your mind for those 10 hours.
11, I mean.
Maybe I think that the way you soften when I'm near is because of my heart
Maybe it's because I'm young and impulsive
A constant battle between love and hate

Pointing my finger to blame someone, something
Pointing out my flaws
Pointing out the ones who left
Staring in a mirror, I point

Escape is inescapable, pointing is fun
Maybe what I'm looking for is someone to point at me and say 'you're the one'

mourning a loss
that came before me
Is an invisible burden
I try to forget

"4) you're beautiful, both in and out. That's hard to come by. You're a gift to the world. Treat and view yourself as such and nothing less."

I struggled. You made me a list. You counted them out. You told me. 1 - 10. 4 broke me. 10 healed me. repeat.

"10) remember reason number 4. It's the most important one."


please always remember reason number 4. Tattoo it on the backs of your eyelids, write it every day 100 times, learn it in every language.

Menthol Madness creeps into my head.  
Tattooed Touch fills my mind.

I am not ready for this day to end. I never am - a lover of the night, I blur the lines between sunrise and sunset frequently. I lie on my back and think of skin, smoke, sense. My senses feel deprived. I need stimulation, stimulants....something. No one is awake. I am restless, unable to sleep.

What keeps me awake all of these nights? What occupies my mind during these hours? What keeps me up at night?

Men like to lay their heads on my thighs and pray
They like to hear the rhythm of my heart throughout the day
My body feels like a cloud, pulling them away

From reality, they stare at me, as if I am a piece
Of art in a museum, but it's one they cannot lease

It is owned by the gallery and sometimes you can ask
If you can borrow all of it to complete your little task

And sometimes, if you're lucky, you will get to touch
All of the marble curves it has, it's thighs, it's lips, and such

next in line I guess
I know I tried my best
But the radio silence
Rose above the rest

Find my love and
Find my thoughts
I've left them for you to find
In my favorite song
At that movie theater
In your car
In your messages
In my breath
Find me. Please. I'm waiting.

ps
I cannot be there all the time.
I cannot tell you all the time.
But you are the world.
Find me in yours.

You let yourself relax
You let that **** move slow
You let it hit your veins
Then you let it go

You let it fly away
Don't let it in your head
Don't let your body break
Let it bend instead

I just got exciting news!
.
And all I wanted to do was tell you
I wanted to burst out and yell, to
Laugh and then quiet down
Let you know about my breakthrough

Yet I know you don't reach for me anymore ..like you do the stars
When I'm not within arms reach
It's almost if I'm on mars

And you're on earth, looking up
With a telescope, magnified
Looking out in awe for a second
Then throwing me aside

Your love warms me
like a Christmas sweater

  Quilted, textured, enveloping
Every inch of my chest
You feel vintage, something distant yet familiar

Your arms heat me up
like spearmint tea
Steamy and tight
Around the lump in my throat

I have cried before you
The cold has overtaken me before

But your warmth reminds me
That winter is not forever

Your power to change my Weather
Reassures my shivering bones
That perception is power
And love can last.

Playing in my waistband
Fingers trickle down
Fascinated with the way the lace moves all around
Your fingers take a dip
They trickle down my back
Warranting a hiss from me, (my) facade starts to crack
The feeling that it leaves me--
With when you're away
Makes me feel the color yellow, bright as summers day
And oranges remind me
Of the way you smell
I catch a whiff and rewind to our game of show and tell
Red is the flight
That I'm catching later on
Reminds me that I'm leaving and makes your touch feel like a con
Green is my mind
When I think of who I'm with
Never with you, far away, you're feeling like a myth
Blue is the sound
Of your lips leaving mine
As they throw away the butterflies and taste like Country time
Indigo is heavy
Weighing down my thighs
I'm feeling dizzy and it's got me caught up and surprised
Violet is ending
Impossibility.
Run around us singing 'darling..stand by me'

I clean the puddle up
I throw it in the trash
I hear it hit the metal, rainbow spills and feelings crash

The rainbow keeps on running
The colors start to muddle
I find them every morning in a technicolor puddle.

I barely survived the Devils hour last night

There was music playing in my ears for awhile, a strange combination of tunes I became enveloped in

They cushioned my thoughts as I read, blocking out the birds that started chirping out of turn, and the crosswalk beeping every three minutes on the dot

The reason I almost didn't survive, however, had nothing to do with the music or the story or the crosswalk

I heard something coming for me

A shadow, but I heard it
It comes for me some nights
There's no pattern like the crosswalk signal
I've fought it before, so I am usually ready for it
But this time I forgot to bring my armor to the orchestra

I came exposed, in an oversized Sherpa coat
You see, I was cold
The armor would have chilled my skin
I'm so sorry I forgot it, my shield too
I was unprepared

The synesthetic darkness crept over me, like an invisible thunderstorm, or the lowest note on a bass guitar, or the smell of burnt toast

I could not fight it
I am sorry
I will try harder

Do not forget your armor, they said
We know certain things will always happen, they said  
One, is that the crosswalk signal will always beep every three minutes
The other, is that the darkness will come, and it will prey on those who are not prepared.

I gave you the tools.
The keys, the love to power the machine
I gave you the fuel you needed
I kneaded out the k(nots) in your back, in your lips, planted petals of forget-me-nots with my tongue
I knotted your shoelaces so you would never trip
But that didn't stop you
I put my hands on your shoulders and breathed down your neck, like a dragon, fire coming from me always
Your face down, submissive, and relaxed.
You stayed like that until the end
Weak and unbothered, driving off and gassed up.
With my fuel.
This is why I do not drive.

I feel the bumps on my skin echo underneath my fingertips
I try to resist the urge to peel my face off
To pour blood onto the floor as I become who I believe
But at what cost?
To become an unknown version of myself seems beautiful at times, concerning at most
When I am sober, alone with my thoughts, I thank my skin for existing
With its bumps, bruises, unevenness, and lines
It was made for me
Stretched for my hips, stretched for my being, reminding me that I take up space.
And space is okay.
And it is all around us.
And it is infinite.

It bothers me when movies are too loud
Or when I see people that look like my past in a crowd
Or when you get too drunk to walk
And I pray that when you say you can't talk,
It's not because a man is taking what's yours.
It bothers me that you aren't healthy and I worry
It bothers me that worry and sorry don't rhyme bc they're so similar in my mind but come out wrong when I try to convey them

Why do bad things happen to good people?
Because good things happen to the bad.
But growth has brainwashed our society to be so positive that only a Holy Ghost could evoke such renewed strength

I guess I'm not rich enough to know that heavens gates are gold
But I'd like to think heaven is somewhere between cotton candy clouds and your arms wrapped around my soul

I understand that never wanting to be without somebody is love.

Laying my head down on your chest felt like the sun was warming my soul. Your heartbeat gave me so much life that I couldn't imagine the day I couldn't hear it anymore.

Crowds bother me. because I imagine the day you're not here and I hear someone whisper my name with your voice

And I turn around

And the only thing there is the thousands of people surrounding me.


And none of them are you.

How do I fix this
Maybe a tattoo, or two?
Maybe another drink
Or a cigarette from the corner store

I'll have them etch the art into my canvas
Hoping that will keep me sane for awhile
Help me bleed when my blood is thin
Help me forgive the sins they say I have

Surrounded by toxicity
So I find other ways to let it enter me
Maybe if I can handle it in other forms
The current ones won't destroy me

Get out of my dreams
I don't want you there
Let me sleep in peace not in pieces I want to rest
In peace
Instead you rip   me to shreds
You leave that feeling
The one that happens when I think of you and your dream-self powers through
You always act up, betray me, leave me to rot
And I always think of you in that way, whether you like it or not
My mind has a way of warning me, subconsciously so
That you're not worth it, and that you're worth letting go