they see the facade, the academic veneer,
but the truth lies hidden, only i hold it dear

the world believes success is all i chase
but i question if i’m running in the right race
i question what truly this journey is worth
am i just building castles on this shifting earth?

amidst textbooks and deadlines, i quietly yearn
for answers not found in a grade i might earn
will this path i’ve chosen be my true fate?
or will i wake up one day, realizing it’s too late?

so when they call me hardworking and bright,
i smile on the surface, hide my inner fight
for behind the facade, the mask i wear,
lies a soul pleading,
“Lord, hear my prayer.”

Standing tall its rungs seemed so far apart then
The ladder peered down at my achievements with glee,
Realizing that I was nowhere near the standard of the men
That so easily surpassed this obstacle before me.
I tentatively touched the ladder, pleading for a strong foundation;
The steel rungs screamed back at me. Nonetheless I flailed forwards,
Gripping the battered beam without hesitation.
It told me of my critical mistake as it flung me westward,
And the jagged cliff loomed on as I was propelled ever closer
To the end of my hubris, that so set me on this path years ago.

Oh! With what unspeakable anguish
Do I regret the vocation
I came so close
And so oft to having
The sweet acclamation
That might have been mine.

Had I tried and failed,
That would scarcely concern me,
Yet, I squandered my resources
Time and time again,
And failed so unnecessarily,
That is what so torments me.

I only wish I could contemplate
More than a mere handful
Of past achievements with pride
And satisfaction,
But even this paltry compensation,
Remains stubbornly beyond me.

Oh! With what unspeakable anguish
Do I regret the vocation
I came so close
And so oft to having
The sweet acclamation
That might have been mine.

why i want to reach this state of life?
i spend my time
my effort
my attention
body and soul
and heart
just to reach this peak
but why?
what is the real purpose of all of this?
did i just chase an empty dream?
everyone congratulate me
but i feel nothing at all
nothing at all