My heart begged me to
do something dramatic and
so I set it free

7:39 AM
29/1/20

Baby, we're a meteor
and we killed the dinosaurs.
We scorched the Earth and
turned all that was
into ash.
Time has passed,
and not much has changed.
To this day,
I find myself
studying the fossils
and wandering
what could have been
if we had landed smoothly.

Dear diary;
today I
did not write,
I did not paint,
and I did not compose.
I did not live today but,
then again, I guess that's
no different to any other day.

Why do I wake up?
It was always you.
Knowing that I share the
same moon that kisses your
smooth and pale cheeks
is all the reason I need
to get out of bed each day.
And knowing that you bless
my dreams each night is
all the reason I need to
rest my weary soul.
It was always you.

I’m not mad
and I'm not upset-
I’m just howling for the
first time in a long time
and as you can imagine,
there’s still a lot of 'you'
in my lungs.

I felt like I was in love
with a wasteland because it
once birthed a bed of flowers.
I was in love with memories
that had long since passed-
my mind became my enemy.
Little did I know that those flowers
were poisonous little things.

Dear diary;
All of the good days are nothing
compared to the emptiness I feel
since she took her away-
or more like a piece of me away.
And now I think I am getting sick
from all of the poison she fed me
over the past year-
that's all she left.

Wherever you trail
leaves me chasing for more-
every glimmer in your eyes
leaving me entranced.
Maybe it's a spell of the unicorn,
or maybe this is one big dream.
All I know is that I need
more of you in my life.

I keep hurting
myself with thoughts
that I may or may not mean.
There's a storm raging
inside my head-
silvery clouds I
cannot tame.

heartbreak
after heartbreak-
can you make me
believe that love isn't
this vicious?

Whatever she creates
leaves me utterly in awe-
every thought of hers
leaving me entranced.
Maybe you have me under a spell,
or maybe this is one big dream.
All I know is that I need
more of you in my life.

I miss your tender
skin pressed up against my skin-
oh, I miss that spark

4:12 PM
17/1/20

Her legs go everywhere I want to go.
Heaven.
Hell.
And everywhere in between.

Dear diary;
who am I?
Whoever I am,
I frighten me.

I wasn't in search of anyone
or anything-
until I found you.
And I have been looking
for you ever since.

Dear diary;
I thought about dying today...
or so I thought I did.
I think about death a lot lately
and I'm not too sure I
know the difference.

I want to hold your hand
through foreign streets
and kiss you under
foreign skies.
Baby, we're just two foreigners
lost in foreign lands and
lost in each other's eyes.

Dear Diary;
now that the dust has settled
I have realized that
all I want to do is
work,
travel,
work,
travel
to distract myself
from the joke that is my life

I have only known
how to love you and now I
don't know what to do

2:17 AM
7/1/20

I heard your voice
in the wind and you let me know
that you were saying goodbye.
I run for shelter,
fear of what comes next.
These nights have never felt so cold,
but all I can do is wait out
the impending storm.

Our tongues paint
watercolors over our bodies-
each stroke, more intricate than the last.
Fingers slide across smooth canvases,
and we are left with abstract
works of art.

I think about about
all the time and energy
I've spent on people who
have walked out of my life and
I wonder what I could have done
for myself instead.

I am torn between
wanted to disappear and
wanting to be seen

10:20 PM
3/1/20

My life is a mess
but so are
you.

Dear Diary;
this year already
tastes like last year
and I can see the
rot ahead.

2019 began
in a shimmer of hope, of peace,
a little light at the end of the tunnel
that was this decade.
And now it is time to
bid farewell,
to not only 2019,
but welcome in another year
and decade with open hearts.
Even if life didn't go according to plan,
I do hang on to the hope of a future
so very far from my past.

How can my
pillow still smell of you?
How do my lips
remember yours as if
they were my own?
Memories that don't exist
torment me
day after day,
night after night.

I didn’t ask
to be made of glass
nor did I wish to be
thrown so far.
I didn't ask to be so frail,
to fall head over heels.
I didn’t know you
wouldn’t catch me but
I thought that glass would survive.

Dear Diary;
I met a girl last night
and I saw a goddess in her eyes.
Can you believe it?
I met a *******
goddess.

Dear Diary;
It's the last day
of the year and I
think I will burst into tears
for having held them in
all year.

I thought I
could save you
but it turns out that
I only made it
worse.

Better off alone-
a smile on my face and
a hole in my heart

10:47 PM
29/12/19

This Christmas you broke
my heart - not quite the present
I was expecting

1:40 PM
29/12/19

Baby,
I just got home.
I'm about to pass out
but don't worry,
I've put on more than enough
toothpaste to rid me of
your love.
With crossed fingers,
and a heart still pounding,
I close my eyes hoping
your magic cure works.
Either way,
you were so worth it.
Okay, goodnight.

Summer has
only just begun,
yet it feels like winter
now that you are here.
Hell will freeze over
by the time all is
said and done.

What if everything
we ever shared was in my
imagination?

11:39 PM
28/12/19

Her flesh may be scar-less,
but don't be fooled,
her broken bones and
broken heart are
all part of the
journey.

Dear Diary;
I have concluded that
there is no soul left in me-
maybe I never had one.
All I know is that there are
no dreams and no love
to be desired.

Dear diary;
Why is it that my
misery craves company
the more my morale
continues to fade?
Too many times have I
known flesh that was
not my own
this year and it has
taken me too long to realize
that it isn't the cure.

One more kiss,
one more drink,
and I can go home
a happy man.
Oh, if only it were
that simple.

sometimes time is the
only remedy for a
little broken heart

8:28 PM
26/12/19

She caught me
climbing up the stairs,
naked as an ape,
in the lonely hours
of the morning.
“You used to enjoy
these kinda sights.”
She slammed the door
and went back to bed.

Second choice?
You?
Are you crazy?
Are you blind?
Look in the mirror
and tell me a fool
who would take that
as his second choice.
Yes, tell me the fool
who would cherish
that heart of yours
a mere second to
that of another.
I want to know this fool,
so I can take pity on
his misguided soul.
Second choice-
spare me!

Dear diary;
this heartbreak stuff
does wonders for my writing.
Is it a price worth paying?
Probably not,
but it’s not
like I have a
choice.

Why are there so
many broken hearts?
What sort of world are we
living in where so many of us
feel unloveable and so
utterly alone?
I keep having to remind myself
that I am not the only one,
that there are other
broken hearts
in this valley
we call
life.

Dear Diary;
I failed again.
Somehow I can’t learn how to
love others the way that
I want to be loved.
I am the enemy of
my own story.

I've had a hunch that
it's all been meaningless.
Oh yes,
beautifully meaningless,
every word,
every touch,
utterly meaningless.

If some *******
should say we had a history
of any sort,
kick them in the head.
And if some *******
says were were in love,
kick them in the head
again.

Where do we go from here?
How do we move,
when there is no more ground
beneath us?
How do we fly
without our wings?
I don't know where
we are going
anymore.

Hand in hand,
standing at the gates of Hell.
Nothing else exists,
but for the flames
of Turkmenistan
burning as bright
as the love
between
us two.