Trying
Is the purgatory
In the juxtaposition
Of doing
And not

Tuesday and Wednesday is a blur;
I have not slept in between
I do not have the luxury of
Having a rendezvous with my bed

Tuesday and Wednesday is a blur;
And you are its perfect metaphor:
Viciously fast and vague
But I know a vice when I see one

Tuesday and Wednesday is a blur;
I'm weeding vices out one by one
Like coffee and/or cigarettes,
You taste so good

My copacetic life:
Boring, plain, safe.
I am only resting and waiting
To just stop existing
I never waited for you
Or the fear you instill to me
Because why would I
Angel/Devil
I do not know you
But I want to

I played with fire once;
Ashes on my lips,
Singes on my back,
And I'm still burning

I'm a whirl of smoke;
Waiting for your flame,
Hovering above,
The match that you are.

In between strangers and friends,
And of lines to be crossed and erased,
You'd pull me out without a second thought
And every time you do, you'd whisper
'I feel cold.' Quiet and hot like liquid gold
I'd touch your arm and you gently shiver
I set you afire each time
You'd hold me closer and smile
As you try to lick a final sizzle to my finger
You're a pyromaniac and I'm an arsonist
I wonder how you see me
And I wonder if you know how I see you

When we've turned to past
And all our memories turn
To vicious whirlwinds
: Untouchable
Aftermaths of aftermaths of flames,
Of which we were the arsonists--
Even with our senses impaired--
I'll still come back to you.
.

There is a lightning strike in your eyes;
do you know how your stares feel?
And you are, too, like these jolts of light
for as you start, you already leave

But even in these glimpses, I wish to catch
you and your smile--so sweet; I ache
for more, and for this pain's visage.
Yet, I missed you; I was late.

In moments where you snap at me
To not even let a chuckle out
I only am bewildered terribly,
for all I could ask is why and how
as I stare at you stupidly.

You are blind

:To the way you look at me
With eyes of honey and whiskey
:To the way your smile breaks in through them,
Like the seeping sun through my windows unto my bed
:To the way I'm so hooked on you
You're like sweet ******* that's ******* good
:To the way my face is drunken-red
Each time I drink the thoughts that spill out your head
But once the drinking is over I know I will ache
And I know I'm going to hate the after taste

I have dreams about you
On nights I wish I don't
But I confess that I hope
I could sleep longer
Just so I could see you
But I don't really pray for
These to be any realer
Because I can revisit you
If I lose you in my dreams
But not when I'm awake

He was heartless
And cold like winter
Yet he gave her all of his heart
And all of his warmth

I will rest my hand on top of yours
And look at you,
Hoping for my tears to come;
Which will save me from a speech I dare not say;
Which will spare me a moment I want no recollection of.

I will pretend to have been stupid
And I will look away--artificially ashamed
But the instances that come after are of wisdom

I will promise you of how my story ends;
How you are not just another pit stop in the race I'm in;
How you are my finish line: my only destination
It's just that, the race hasn't ended yet
So I'm not yet with you, but soon I will be
You will find romance in the story spilling out of my lips
Each word kisses you sweetly, like my lies
And you develop conviction
I will ask myself if it matters that they are not true
I will not answer
And it will not matter

I remember burning down a whole forest a winter or two ago
From a room without a light, we were like fireworks--stars, even
And all the noise from the collisions made me deaf

I remember hoping for the light to fade out slower than slow
But now all I could do is run my fingers every now and then
From all the burns and the scars you so carefully left

I have an ocean of blankets forming warmth in my bed but I
am still shaky. Frantic. With whatever my heart--
going off like an Olympian's--has been feeling lately.
To which I wish I can choose not to oblige, at least more than I
get to do so in contrast to when I do to my brain. But
you have been visiting my mind too often and too much
back from the moment I saw you out of the corner of my eye
(...)
If I ever had you.

You and I are land and sea
For you only stay where you are
And I run to you repeatedly
With reckless disregard.

Your ghost is still in my arms
I can feel your eyes and your palms
Pressed against me. Why do we waste time
Being this far apart?

Come to me and lay your bones
Hold me viciously close
Until I can't tell if breathing is necessary
Torture me until I spill of gold

How do you grow another heart

How do you stop loving something

Because I didn’t mean to stop

But the colors are now fading into light

And the water’s soon to dry

WE TALKED WITH NO SOUND
AND I HELD MY HEART CLOSE
IN HOPES FOR SOME WORDS
I KNEW I WOULDN'T HEAR.

TWELVE FEET CONNECTED
AND TWELVE FEET APART,
I WAS MOTIONLESS
ONLY WISHING I WASN'T.

I can tell how vulnerable you are
And I will tell you that I do
I will lay my hands on your scars
And caress all the way through
Where it aches
Starts and ends

I will tell you that you can trust me
And I'll promise that you could
You will be wrapped by fear
But I will kiss it goodbyes too
You'll forget
And feel safe

At night you will have nightmares
I will stay by your side for nothing
You sleep without a word to say
And I stay awake just looking
You will leave
I hope not

I will be everything you look for
You'll feel that you are home with me
But the things I once foresaw
Does not include you staying here
You'll promise
And break it

Cleaning houses you can never afford
For a whole day
Almost
Just so you can feed your four children
Breakfast
When you get home
At three in the afternoon
With a hand
Full of two dollars
Fit for all of you
Wanting to think about tomorrow
But it only hurts
So you smile
To mask the death inside
And you do not know for sure
If there is a day after this
Or if you even want one
But you go on
For them

I will kiss you tomorrow night

First
Between us
In thick darkness

More
Comes later
While and where
Everyone will see us

I will smile and laugh in between kisses
Like I enjoyed them more than I truly did
I will speak drunk while the sobriety of my heart and head spills
With thoughts and emotions I have but never want to keep
They are never true, but you will believe them

I will hold you by your neck as I indulge myself more
You are a great kisser
And it's not just the alcohol

I will smile playfully as I take your hand
I will put it where I think you'd like it most to be
On top of my chest, soft and resting
Close to my heart
But still far from my love

I will speak to you in the morning after
And I will remember everything but pretend
I lost my memories
And I don't want to retrieve them

From cities and towns I've never wanted to visit, I've gone,
Meeting sunrises and sunsets and the ones in between that we can't name
Spending time with beautiful people that take my breath away
But none of which ever made me desire keeping the breath in my lungs
Unlike back then