dear you,

how are you? i hope things are doing great for you now. these past few weeks have been a mess i thought i could handle on my own.

i’m doing okay. i’m going out with my friends, been talking more often with my family — like you said i should, and i’m learning about myself more and more each day.

i’ve been trying to move on from you, you know? it’s really hard. probably because everything was still fresh. so far, everyday, i think about you, what you did, what we did, how it started and how it ended.

i’ve been asking myself lately, could i have saved what we had left? was i just an escape? i have so many questions now that you’re gone and i have no means to talk to you.

i’m confused, really. i still want you but every time i remember the good times we had, i remember the pain too. don’t worry though, i have already forgiven you. it’s just a matter of time before i finally forgive myself — for blaming myself with what had happened.

i’ve been watching a lot of shows lately. i avoid the sad ones, but whenever a scene comes where one inevitably cries, i cry too and then all of a sudden, the longing comes back and then i get sad again.

it’s been a tough week for me. but i know i’m going to pull through this. i keep saying that i won’t wait for you but i guess that’s just my brain talking trying to cancel out what my heart wants.

i know we’re better of this way. i know this isn’t a fairytale where suddenly, after i have cried for a long time, the tears will form a wave strong enough to send you back to me.

i know i’m better on my own. i really do. but i miss being with you more.

i do hope i get to move on from you. maybe it’ll take a year? or even more? but i know soon enough i will.

i just hope that when you do come back, you don’t find me anymore. that you already have someone you call your own. that you’ll realize the love we had was superficial or perhaps temporary.

because if you do find me, no matter how much i’ve moved on from this, i’ll probably go back to your arms and cry because i really missed you.

i still regret giving my heart to you. i regret ever falling in love with your eyes, your smile, your hands. i regret ever opening up because i really thought we could have the love we’ve always wanted ever since.

i guess i’ll be alone for awhile. i guess i’ll love another person and know more about love. i guess i’ll just slowly bring myself up and be happy on my own.

i wish you’d come back. i wish love will still be there to bring us back together.

but for now, i wish love would find another means to make me happy without you.

i hope to see you soon. because i know by then, we’ll both have a lot of things to talk about. a lot of stories to tell, jokes to laugh at and other stuff.

i wish you well.

‪huminga ka.‬

‪hindi porket nagparamdam siya, ‬
‪susubukan mo kung may pag asa pa;‬
‪kung may natitira pa.‬

‪sa oras na ‘to na lahat ay magkakalayo, ‬
‪na lahat ng tao’y may distansiyang higit sa isang metro, ‬

‪isabay mo na rin ang puso mo. ‬

‪di lahat ng bagay, may pagasang bumalik sayo.‬

i envy
the mirror
for always being
the first
and last
to see all of you;

how mesmerizing your smile is,
how dreamy your eyes are,
how the curves of your body
create slopes not even
the most beautiful mountains
could compare,

i wish i could see it all.

but unlike the mirror,

you can hear the words coming out of my mouth,
you can feel my embrace as i caress your skin
as if it were a vintage vase,
i could say something funny and then your smile will just effortlessly come out.

now,

the mirror should envy me;

for i could
see,
touch,
and feel,
the beauty
that is you.

i hope
that when the time comes,
the pieces of
your heart
that were
taken away
from you:

some you gave away
willingly,

but mostly were stolen
and you realizing it was
gone too late,

come back to you in another form.

another face,
another smile,
another embrace,
another set of hands to
hold again,

i hope it does come back to you

— replace what’s been taken

as if it was never broken in the first place.

i've always thought

love

was an ending:

finally having your lips close to mine when i wanted,

finally walking down the street with your hands holding mine,

finally sleeping beside you hearing your heartbeat ever so calmly.

i thought this was it;

that love has finally settled down after running all over the place

– in what i'd say a wild goose chase –

but it was only the beginning:

i start to feel what it's like to kiss someone that will make my heart beat fast.

i start to feel ecstatic walking down a street holding hands with someone knowing they'll never let go.

i start to sleep with someone beside me, knowing our faces will be the first thing we see every morning.

i've always thought

love

was an ending.

only to realize,

it was the jumpstart

of a wonderful journey.

our love is poetry:

a series of rhymes
of words with identical ending
having different beginnings.

an assonance
of words totally unrelated
but were fit together as intended.

a consonance
of words that invites a trance
as if urging me to dance.

an alliteration
of words i hear that ignites a flame
but soft and as warm as fleece.

i scream quietly:

inhaling my cigarette,

the puffs in between

become my cry for help.

let the battlefield
you’ve fought on
grow flowers
before you come back.

like the plants

in my garden:

i breathe,

i live,

i exist.

i let the people who

pass by

admire me.

i grow slowly.

i climb quietly.

wait for me to bloom.

i stand

on top

of a cliff

mesmerised

by your beauty;

you are

the ocean.

my heart beats fast

as i

look down below.

the hue of blue

beckons me.

the sound

of the waves

crashing

whispers

a gentle “hello”

to me.

the wind’s

gentle embrace

gives me

unexplainable warmth.

i always wanted

to jump

into your beauty —

but for now,

i’ll enjoy where i am.

if i wrote
a book,
the dedication
would be
like this:

“to everyone
who broke my heart,
who helped me
put it back together:
gave me
all types of
adhesives,
and
to those who
watched and cheered
as i build it back.”

have you ever
expressed your feelings
using a language
you barely know?

have you ever
spoken to someone
about the pain you’ve been
through pictures?

have you ever
wrote about
your happiness
using a marker on a sticky note?

have you ever felt like
no matter what you do,
it still feels like
the world doesn’t understand you?

to the alternate us;
the universe where we’re together
— i love you.

to the version of you
that i embrace on a cold weather
— i love you.

to my “what if”
in this world
but my “what is”
in another
— i love you.

if in this timeline
we’re not meant to be,
then i’d gladly accept it with glee.
because i know
a version of you out there,
is happily loving a version of me.

i want to see you naked.

no.

not in that kind of way.

i want to see you bare. i want to see your heart. how it beats fast when we do something crazy. how it slowly thumps when you sleep and i wrap my arms around you. i want to see all the cracks — all the proof of how strong you are and how you mended each and every single time it breaks.

i want to see you naked.

yes.

in this kind of way.

you are a preposition.

you are in my heart.

you are on my mind.

you are at my doorstep knocking.

if love
wasn’t meant
for fools like me,

then God
shouldn’t have made
you smile at me.

if you feel like

you’ve hit a wall,

remember,

you’re strong enough to break it.

and when you do,

you’ll see

multiple paths

ahead of you

waiting

to be discovered.

i think
the city at night,
the views
from all the balconies
i’ve stayed and
stared at aimlessly,
knows me
more than
anything
and anyone
in this world.

a conversation.

you painted me like a beautiful picture:

one with our future ahead of us,
one with both of us laughing.

there were strokes of anger
of pain,
of our fights,
but looking at it now,
the aggressiveness of your brush
definitely highlighted the beauty
of the painting:

it showed
the wrinkles of our face when we smile,
the creases of your clothes forming lines towards my arms holding you close,
the light in your eyes when you look at me — as if the world meant to me and i was the only who deserve it.

however,
you left me in a single room.
i thought maybe, i was that special.
that i was one of — or better yet your greatest masterpiece.

as you smiled,
i felt happy.
i thought maybe this was it.
a painting you’re so proud to show the world.

you crept towards the door
went for the switch and turned the lights off.

and just like that, i waited for months
for the lights to go back on.

i knew in my heart,
that this beautiful painting i thought was your masterpiece,
became one of your hidden collections,
that only you could exclusively see.

just like what you did,
to the others before me.

the glass of water
i’ve filled for months
with the slight touch of your finger,
it poured over.

thankfully,
i’ve grown enough
to easily fill up a pitcher.

you invited me to dinner, lovingly.

a lavishing one.

excited we both are.

you asked to go to the restroom.

i agreed and waited patiently.

knowing we have the most delicious steak being made and i’m excited to eat it together with you.

but you went through the window of the restroom and never came back.

here i am waiting, patiently, lovingly.

kahit na gusto kita
ayoko na maghintay ka
sa wala,
balewala.

simula pa lang nung umpisa
naglaro na tayong dalawa
diba?
pasensiya na.

di ko naman sinasadya
na mahulog ka sa isang tanga.
akala ko ay kaya kong
bigyan ka,
isang bagay na ako pala’y wala.

kasi di pa natin oras.
masyado tayong nagmadali.
ngayon pareho tayong mali.

pagmamahal kong ningas kugon,
pakinggan aking tugon:
unahin ko muna sarili ko.
gusto kita, pero mas gusto ko sarili ko.

the sun envies
the way your smile
shines and gives
warmth
to my body
more than it ever could.