Did you love him?

Well... let me put it this way
I never wanted kids until I wished someone to look like him,
just to see how it would've been
If i had met him before i did.

Thank you anyway
I will always wish you love
and happiness and a life of success.
I'll send you light wherever you are,
you made it so hard and so easy at the same time.

i think you emptied me
i think you took it all.

I wonder if you miss me
if you think about how it could have been different
it North wasn't so far away from South.

Tell me, do you remember
any random night drinking with your friends
and still wish I was there next to you?

Does the smell of whisky and lilies
reminds you of me dancing at 3am like no one's watching
back when it didn't matter that our days were counted.

It was short but it was strong,
two months of somenthing real,
just enought to never forget.

Ojalá te borraras de repente.
Que mañana al abrir los ojos no me quede ni un recuerdo tuyo.
Que al sentir el viento no me acuerde de tu olor.
Que al vestirme el roce de la ropa no me haga extrañar tus manos.
Ojalá te borraras de repente, que desaparecieras sin dejar rastro, que las canciones no las escuche con tu voz.
Que pueda ocupar tu lado de la cama sin sentir que sobra espacio.
Que lograra calcular la cantidad de café exacta para una sola taza.
Que pudiera ver las fotos y no encontrarte.
Ojalá te borraras de repente.
Que al escuchar tu nombre no me diera un brinco el corazón, que fuera una palabra tan extraña, como si me hablaran en otro idioma, que no significará nada.
Que te fueras como lo hacen las palabras, como lo hacen las promesas,.
Que al dormir ya no te sueñe.
Ojala que te borraras de repente.

I wanted you,
I wanted you so bad.
I wanted to fix you,
to cure your loneliness with mine.
I begged to tame your demons and heal your scars,
to kiss the bruises on your heart.
I could've taken pieces of me to fill the holes in you
but the dark was so big you couldn't see through.

Fill me with messages,
telling me stupid gossip and jokes
that no one else gets.
Fill me with emojis every time you have a drink on me,
and make fun that I'm working on the weekend,
have fun on my behalf,
as long as you get home and let me know.  
Fill me with your voice,
with words of songs you barely remember.
Fill me with pictures of buildings,
before and afters of your work.
Fill me with all your doubts and all your answers,
with your insecurities at the edge of something new,
with your confidence to try.
Fill me with all of you while I'm far away,
to give me strength for a new day,
I'll use it to cover the distance until we meet again.

I really dont know how to put what I'm about to say in a way that sounds like poetry without leaving stuff out and I think this is an important issue that must not be left to interpretation of the reader (like poetry does).
I wrote a poem almost a year ago (its down here somewhere) about a friend that commited suicide (I will call him R from now on) and even though I still think about him constantly this past week he's been more in my mind, I dreamed about him last week and woke up in tears and then I heard about Kate ***** and Anthony Bourdain, I talked to some friends and they were thinking more about him these past days sooo.... background story.
I'm a doctor, I'm a resident. I'm lucky enough to say I have a lot a good friends some of them are my med school classmates, R was one of them.
After graduation we all pursued doing a residency and thankfully we all got into what we wanted, most of my friends, including R, got to stay in the same city we all studied together, which was nice because most of their families lived there and they didnt have to pay rent and stuff like that.
A few months before the residency program began R called me and said the most shocking thing, he confessed to me that he had been diagnosed with depression during our third year in med school and that he was doing well enough that his psychiatrist considered he didnt need medication anymore, but was going to keep an eye on him in case he needed them again, he had been off the medication for 8 months by the time he called me and this were his exact words after he said all that to me "I know I'm not okay, and I know this because I have everything I ever wanted, I have friends that I love, I have an amazing family, I have the career that I want, I got accepted into the program I worked so hard for and still I think it would be better to die, and it scares me a lot" I talked to him until his mom got home so I knew he was safe, the doctor gave him medication again and he was good to go. Two years passed and then he decided he wanted to go into Neurology and he got accepted into the most important hospital in the country, that was in another city so that meant he had to live on his own for the first time in his life, and get another doctor there, I called to congratulate him a week before he left, that was on February, we made plans to see each other in July.... he died in May.
Why do I think this is important?
1. My friend didn't look sad, he was always smiling, he gave the warmest, longest hugs and when he told me he was sick I was shocked that he had been going through this for three years without anyone noticing.
2. He was very aware of his disease and he knew he had a lot to be happy about. So this proves that it can happen to anyone and is not about feeling sad for a certain situation, like getting bad grades or having a breakup. Its not something you fix by "focusing on the good things".
3. Another friend was feeling weird and she told me she was trying to "shake those feelings off" until he remembered R and decided it was best to seek for help, she was diagnosed with anxiety and started getting treatment.
4. Another one told us he was feeling very bad, like if he was not being himself, and that he was thinking about going to a psychiatrist, because he was scared of going through what R went.
5. I miss R everyday and he left a huge hole to fill, and there are so many things that remind me of him and that I wish I was able to tell him right know but at least he opened the eyes of the ones that were close to him and made a few of us do and internal check up and actually pushed others to get help.

My message for you who read this is dont be ashamed of asking for help and dont make others feel ashamed, encourage people to know that the mind gets sick too, just like the heart, and the stomach and any other ***** in your body. R knew people loved him, R knew he was lucky to have the life he had and still his mind and his depression made him think it was not worth it to keep on living.

How the first time I saw you I taught you were the most perfect being I had ever seen.
How I started seeing all your flaws and they made you real, and attainable, and human, and even more perfect.
That you have the softest eyes and the truest smile.
That now I have songs that I love (not even love songs) that make me smile because of you.
That there is not one single place I've been since I met you that I don't think could be better with you next to me.
That I've kissed so many guys, that I've touched so many lives, that every one is so different from you, that some may even be a little bit better than you, that I've failed every time I tried to replace you.
That I admire you, that I respect you, that if I ever have a little boy I wish he could grow up to be like you.
That I still get nervous before we meet, that I check my make up when you are not looking, that you make me calm, that you make me remember to breathe when my head is spining a thousand miles.
That I've learnt to love you in the distance, I've learnt to live in peace without you even if I wish everyday to be with you.
That I'm happy giving you my heart, even if I dont get it back from you, that I know you love me, in your own way, and that I'm complete (almost) just knowing our paths crossed.

I got promoted in my job,
and I got scared like I usually do,
but I took it anyway because I like the challenge
so I had to.
I called to tell you,
like I always do,
because I need to tell you how I'm breaking inside,
because I need you to tell me how good I will be.
You told me I would succeed,
like I always do,
because you believe in me,
because you'll be there,
like you always are.
Yesterday I heard you telling your dad,
and then I heard you telling your sister-in-law,
and your brother, and your cousin, and your friends.
I heard you say you were so proud,
I heard you say I was invincible,
and I truly felt like a superhero,
I felt you as my shield,
and you didn't say you love me,
like you never do,
but this time you didn't have to.

This is how it all ends,
before it even began,
the I love you's are a thing from the past,
and distance between us now feels real.

Long phone calls,
pictures back and forth,
texts with kisses and hearts.
they didn't hold us long.

and I cant find the right words to finish this poem,
just like I couldn't to finish with you.

It's been two months since he died,
I don't think about him everyday,
he comes back in flashes and I can almost hear him laugh,
and it gets hard to hold the tears but I do anyway,
I stop, close my eyes, take a deep breath and continue with my life.

It's not just missing him that hurts,
I think what keeps me sane is that the last thing I told him was
"'Congratulations! I'm so proud of you and I love you, see you in July"
But what makes me mad is that right now is July, and that promise fell through.
There's this logic part of me that knows it was not my fault,
that reminds me he was sick,
that he was trying his best, that he was taking his pills,
until one day he took them all.
There's this other part that keeps wondering what if?
What if I had called him randomly?
What if instead of July it had been May?
What if I had asked again how he was doing?
And what hurts the most I think, is that I'm a doctor, just like he was; I deal with life and death and pain, and I couldn't cure the pain he was feeling inside.
And I don't know if he knows that he took a part of all of us,
that killing himself killed us too.
But even when I hold back the tears because he is gone, I cant hold back the smile because he was part of my life,
and I guess that would've made him happy.

I'm exhausted.
I'm physically and emotionally drained.
I find myself looking to nowhere, thinking of nothing, empty
and I still don't know where all these tears are coming from.
I'm not mad, I don't feel rage, I don't feel anything,
nothing but this sharp pain in my chest that comes and goes,
and the sudden knot in my throat as the smallest thing reminds me of you.
But no, I'm not mad at you. Stop asking me that.

I miss writting
letting words flow.
I miss the rush of catching all the ideas when my hand was too slow.
I miss the need of putting on paper what I felt,
of having to stop everything before I could forget.
I miss feeling inspired by the smallest thing,
a song, a phrase, your voice, your hair.
We took different ways
and you took away my words
but I kept all the love.

I've seen it all.
All his fears, all his sins.
I've seen him grow,
I've seen him fall.
Laugh, and cry and crawl.
I've seen him all,
I've known him all.
I've loved him all.
I still do.

I thought it was strange
not feeling the need to fill pages with your name.
But as I look back I see
how moments with you overlaped with memories of him.
Maybe I should've given it time,
not putting three years of pressure on a three month trial.
But there has to be a reason this is my first poem about you,
and not even this one is completely yours.

Dear diary:
He said he loved me,
that he was full of regret.
But, dear diary,
it was too late.

You were my best mistake.
I would never talk bad about you.
You were my purest, biggest love.
Even if we were never meant to be.

So you come and casually tell me that you might leave,
that foreign places are waiting for you far away from me.
But you go mad because I ecourage you to go,
you say I don't love you enough.
But who am I to stop you?
Who am I to crash your dreams?
I fell in love with you while you were free,
because you fly wild and high,
I wouldn't dare to keep you in a cage,
I wouldn't dare to cloud your happiness with mine.
And you still ask if I love you?

It´s not romantic to think of you while drinking beer,
and it´s not romantic to do so with the music they play on night clubs.
But I can´t think of something more romantic than remembering us dancing while the night slipped away and that this beer tastes just like the cold touch of your lips, and how it made the crowd around us disappear.

I lived (unconsciously) to die.
Reckless behavior, bending the rules.
I wanted to **** the butterflies he had given me,
drown them in ***** and whisky.
I tried riding in cars with unknown boys to fill the deep void.
I lost count of the beds I  woke up in,
I lost count of the nights I cried myself to sleep
I hated the loneliness in the morning after having someone next to me.

Live fast and die young.
Excess was not enough.
I wanted everything faster, higher, stronger.
More music, more "friends", more shots, more kisses
More....
               More...
                             More..
I didn´t realize I was slipping through my own hands.
Less time,  less life, less love, less of me.
Less...
           Less...
                      Less...
I kept pushing the buttons of whatever god that was keeping me safe
and I let my demons become the owners of who I usted to be.

I thought I was living the life,
but I was already dead inside.

There are moments I wish I could relive.
Like that instant when I saw you for the first time,
and I knew that was it.
I was never going to meet anyone else
that could make my heart burst
or my breath stop for so long
and not **** me, but make me feel alive.
That was the first time I thought
maybe drowning wasn´t such a bad way to go.

I feel we are on the edge,
so take my hand,
we´ll jump from there.
Tame your demons, heal your scars, cure your loneliness with mine.
Shut your eyes, I´ll cast a spell,
let me kiss your fears away.

In my mind you will always be safe ground,
and while I´m away working the night shift,
wishing to quit and run back home,
I´ll remember how you kissed me
and I wont be alone.

Back when I was a teenager,
I used to think I was so clever.
I used  to think he was the one,
and now I know he was not even close.

All alone, on the other side, far away from judging eyes.
Pictures under the moonlight.
So close that I can hear your heart beating as fast as mine.
Discovering even more things that make us alike,
and lovely surprised by the things that don´t.
Holding hands down main street and I feel so safe.
Dancing in the crowd but I get lost in you
And I hope our plane had never landed back.

So I keep moving forward,
with giant strides,
but I have one hand holding the past.
I try to stretch,
to cover all the places my heart wants to be,
my hands like claws,
scratching the lands my feet left behind.

I guess I used the wrong words when I talked to the stars,
I wished to never lose you and it sort of worked.
I should´ve been more specific,
cause I wanted us to be bonded by love.
You are not away,
but you are not here yet.

yeah, yeah, you say you love me.
but do you really LOVE ME?
the me that gets mad,
that raises her voice too high.
The one that gets insecure more often than not,
that makes everyone believe she is strong while crumbling down inside,
the one that really needs a push but won´t ask you.
Do you love me when I get tired before we go out,
or when I get sad and I dont know why?
Do you love me when I get serious and out of no where I start to laugh?
I know it´s complicated, I know I´m not an easy job.
And I ask too many questions but I have to be sure,
that when you say you love me, you really mean love.

Spanish

Creo que no he sido lo suficientemente clara contigo,
tal vez no entiendes cuando te digo que te quiero.  
Pero te quiero, aunque no suene asi.
Mis te quiero se escuchan como *buenos días,
duerme bien, te ves muy guapo hoy.
Mis te quiero se sienten,
cuando te acaricio el pelo,
cuando te rozo con las yemas de los dedos,
cuando te acomodo el cuello de la camisa,
cuando te beso un hombro entre risas.
Mis te quiero no se dicen,
se muestran en las horas que paso arreglandome para ti,
en las noches se me han ido escribiendote,
en el remolino que siento dentro cuando llamas para decir que ya vienes.
Mis te quiero no son directos,
pero estan presentes en todo momento,
y si mi boca no te lo dice con palabras
te lo dice en cada beso.
Pero si no es suficiente para ti,
permite que te lo diga, de frente,
sin dejar lugar a dudas.
Te quiero.

English

I believe I haven´t been clear enough with you,
maybe you don´t understand when I tell you I love you.
I know I haven´t been direct,
and you are not a man that goes in circles.
But I love you, even if that´s not how it sounds.
My I love yous sound like good morning,
sleep well, you look handsome today.
My I love yous are not seen by everyone,
they are felt when I caress your hair,
when I touch your fingertips,
when I fix the collar of your shirt,
when I kiss your shoulder between laughs.
My I love yous are not said,
they show in the hours I spend getting ready for you,
in the nights that have passed me by while writing for you,
in the twister I feel inside when you call to say you are on your way.
My I love yous are not straight,
but every moment they are there,
and if my mouth doesn´t tell you with words
it tells you with every kiss.
but if it´s not enough for you, let me tell you,
face to face, with no place for doubt,
I love you.

Please, let me stay with him.
Let me keep him close.
Or at least promise me we will reunite.
Promise me that wasnt the last kiss,
Cause I dont know if my mind will keep it clear for a lifetime.
Promise me I'll hold his hand again, cause I doubt I can find something to fit between my fingers as well as he does.
Please, if you choose to set me apart from him dont make it long.

24 hours and counting,
the thought of seeing you makes me so happy.
My heart about to explode
and these butterflies, they are out of control.
I try to stay calm,
but it´s like queting an alarm.
Warning: bring a helmet,
I think I might tackle you,
sorry I can´t help it.

You are the reason I listen to love songs at 2am.
You are my favorite flavor.
You are in every choice, in every chance.
You are the laugh I want to hear every day,
the arms I want around every night.
You are my light.

Three months ago we said goodbye,
not knowing if we were going to see each other again.
Three months ago I was aching,
hugging and kissing you until the sunrise,
not wanting to let go.
Three months ago you erased my tears
and said "see you soon."
Today I´m packing,
and I got an airplane ticket ready for next week,
today is me who says to you
"see you soon"

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
The worst thing that could happen is not even that bad.

Distance was supposed to make it easier
and it only brought us closer.
It´s been months,
but this love is strong against all odds.

I´ll love everything about you,

the way you close your eyes and take a deep breath

when the midnight breeze caresses your face.

and the way you open them,

(right before you open your soul)

and tell me how scared life makes you

and how in spite of everything you still know we´ll be okey.

Before you my future was a blurry extension of me that I failed to complete.
I imagined myself getting married to someone, having a daughter, taking her to ballet and giving her advice for college cause she would be a doctor like me.
I imagined myself wrapping presents for Christmas, going to my parents house for the Holidays and celebrating mothers day.
And she would have my smile and be boyband crazy like me and she would grow up with The Beatles and I saw myself teaching her to ride a bike.
But after you (and for the first time ever) my dreams changed and now I can´t see myself getting married if it isn´t with you. I don´t think about the wedding anymore, instead I think about the crazy mornings running around the house, trying to get our kids ready and making coffee for both of us, because I know you are lazy in the mornings and I have a tendency to let time slip by when I´m watching you sleep.
That daughter I dreamt about now has a little brother, because I want somebody to look exactly like you, and play football like you.
I still see myself wrapping Christmas presents but now I see you next to me trying to fit into a Santa costume.
And we would have Christmas at my place but New Year´s at yours.
And maybe she doesn´t like medicine but architecture and I will not only buy her Operation but also tons of Legos.
I can still teach them to ride a bike, but it will be your job to teach them sports. I´ll take care of Biology and English, but Math will be all yours.
The beatles are still the music they´d hear growing up but I promise they will watch every NFL season wearing tiny red jerseys on the sofa next to you.
For the first time my imagination of my future doesn´t stop five years from now, it not only covers my career.
Meeting you gave me a perspective and showed me all those invisible parts I didn´t know I wanted.

So I got scared of life,
of the future,
of everything coming so fast, so hard,
of the fog that doesn´t let me see past next week.
And when the tears exploded all I could think was how much I needed you.
I drove to your house,
against that superstition that nothing good happens after 2am.
And you opened the door, and your arms,
and I opened my heart.
The only peace I´m feeling these days comes from you.
My strong and steady.
And you say I don´t know how strong I am,
but I say you don´t know how strong you make me.

There are days when I think
"if I die today my last memory of you would be lovely",
but then you come and spoil it all.
so right now my last image of you is you dancing....
          

                                              With someone else.

I'm being faithful to nothing,
to a memory,
to the ghost of what we never had.
But letting someone else sleep under these sheets,
hold me like you did,
feels like betrayal.
So I rather go to bed alone,
       cover my body with your shirt,
                and if I try hard enough I can still smell you in it,
than let anyone else erase with their touch the prints of your hands.

It's not getting easier.
There's a hole that time is failing to fill.
I'm still wearing your blue shirt to sleep.

He left.

Little by little
you fed me up,
and those imperfections I though charming once,
now I notice them more and more.
And I still think I am the one you should want,
but you are definitely not the one I need.
I deserve so much more,
and if you don't grow into it, I'm sorry.
I can't wait around any longer,
there's a whole world ahead of me.
Good luck and goodbye.
I'll cherish you all my life.

With love:
         -The one you had and lost.

The mistake was building plans of sand,
not preparing for the wave that could destroy it all.

I forgot to consider every option.
I've been so worried about not walking away that I forgot you had feet too.
This feels so bittersweet.
I'm so proud of you for doing what you want, for growing up and takin chances, and yet I get selfish, and I want you to stay, right here, where my dreams will be made.
What hurts the most is that I'm losing what I never had, and you getting on that airplane is a definite goodbye.

sometimes I wish I could hate you,
I wish I didnt remember everytime you've been so nice, or every tiny detail you've had with me.
I really wish that whenever I list your pros and cons I didnt throw it away when I realize how long the second one is.
I really, really wish that all of those times I tried to move on had worked.
I wish you'd never kiss me.
I wish you didn't look at me with those eyes, I wish I had witnesses to prove I'm not imaging it when you get all sweet and charming.
I wish I didnt cry everytime I realize you will never decide to be totally mine.
I wish you weren't a priority, because right now I should be worried about my future, about passing that stupid test in september, but the thing that worries me about failing is not that I wont be a surgeon, but that I'd have to go back to my hometown and leave you.
I wish I didn't, but something deep down tells me that you are THE One, it might sound obsessive, but God knows I've really tried and since I met you I cant picture my future self without you.
I dont want to love you anymore.
I read good things come to those who wait, then that they come to those who work for it so I did, that nobody said it was easy they just promised it'd be worth it, but how hard should it be?
I so much wish I could hate you.