I'll use this weapon
This my strength and my weakness
Guilt for what you've done.

He told me once, and I'll never forget
"If it's a guilt trip you need, then take it
But don't drag me in, as if it's the end,
And remember that life's what you make it."

I've broken that rule, oh, so many times
I've bent and abused it, too
But as long as I remember that I need His help
He loves me, and He's who I come back to.

Sometimes I wonder
Why I write haikus so much
Maybe I like them.

I wander through these ancient halls
Of marble and of stone
    Lost inside
    without a guide
I tread these halls alone.

I try to understand these walls
With carvings and reliefs
    Tow'ring kings
    and beasts with wings
I ponder these strange motifs.

I marvel at how great and tall
These pillars and statues are
    They look to the sun
    to count one by one
The days divided by stars

As I walk, I feel so small
These chambers seem to hold me
    I take a deep breath
    and the only sound left
Is the echo I make unfolding.

rock shreds my heartstrings
until it hurts, and i heal—
the right way this time.

In the dark, whispers
Light left with a busy day
Now remain shadows.

Think it's a headache?
Your mind lies to you, it's not...
What is it really?

Half the world does things
They hear or see or are told;
They don't really know.

Excuse me sir, but
"Heartbreak" isn't metaphor
It's physical pain.

The sound of a heart breaking
Is louder than the headphones make your music
Louder than the siren alarm of a fire
Louder than the scream of the executed mind
Louder than the engines on the takeoff to the bloodred sky

But it is misunderstood
Simply because you are the only soul
Who can hear your heartbreak.

It's a relief to know
That on my trip north
I missed most of this summer's heat

But I'm still quite hot
And it's really not
Anywhere near the hottest it'll reach.

Perhaps it is time.
I'll go back and say hello,
And maybe they'll smile.

.
     Hello, my friend
     You've walked so long
Though you have far to go;
     Take refuge here,
     Just sleep and rest:
You look tireder than you show.

     Come in, my friend
     I've worn those shoes,
And walked down many a road;
     If you come inside
     And sit awhile,
You may leave with lesser a load.

Oh guess, oh guess what
You'll never guess
I asked if she needed
Some help—she said yes!

These thoughts run around
But my soul just wants escape
An escape through sleep.

Lord, I don’t know what I’m doing
Or where my life is going,
But I know that without your leading,
It’ll just be endless roaming.

I’ve looked at my past and present,
And my future doesn’t look bright
Unless I accept Your leadership
And give in to your calling tonight.

I’m asking for help ‘cause I need it:
I need you most desperately;
I can’t live this life without it:
I need help immeasurably.

I’m tired, exhausted, of being alone
And giving in to loneliness;
I’ve realized that that’s You, calling me
It’s you wanting my brokenness.

Because when I have no one,
I have You;
There’s no one I need more,
But I forget the truth.

Please keep reminding me
Of how much I need Your love;
It’s not that You won’t give it,
But that I don’t think it’s enough.

I don’t want to keep searching,
I’ve done this all before:
I know that it ends in sorrow;
Your light is what I look for.

So please take me, it’s hopeless:
Without you I am done;
I’m giving up on myself
And accepting that You’ve won.

I know You’ll take me,
Of the little I do know…
It’s a comfort I find
A Friend who will never go.

You fill the longing deep inside
That I cannot comprehend
You’re the road before me
In a sea of stone dead-ends.

So don't let me forget it,
How I am completely Yours;
I cannot have grounds for despair
When I am on Your shores.

Oh Lord, help me, please
I know I can't do all this;
I don't want to fail.
I'm trusting that You know me,
I know You, You'll get me through.

Again, I find myself at home
The home I made last year
And while it hasn't changed too much,
That I have is my fear.

I loved this place and made it mine,
And tied myself to it;
But now that I've returned, I'm lost
And not like the rest, I admit.

Will I find my place? Or will that only come
With friends who are my home?
Am I isolated now, and is this why
My home feels so alone?

Perhaps this feeling soon will pass
And maybe it'll get better;
But for the moment, I'm alone,
And can't seem to find my tether.

I look in her eyes,
And I cannot see
Anything very
Constantly

Her feelings change
More quickly than
A traffic light
In a desert land.

Deeper down,
She has desire
And fears that mask
Her life's liars.

She wants to be
Protected and loved
But all her life
Aside she is shoved.

Gave him my sandwich
Because he was hungry, and
Wouldn't have eaten.
But I have something greater...
He needed that more.

I need to let go
I need to let him mess up
And do things alone
Even if he fails, badly,
He won't learn with me watching.

I'd like to say hi
To all you I haven't met;
I really can't wait.

I'm not sure if it's allergies,
Or maybe anxiety;
But burning tears come to my eyes,
And I deal with them quietly.

I always forget to take a breath—
Whether it's stolen away,
Or whether it catches in my throat,
Because there's nothing I can say.

A cold lump moved into my stomach—
It hasn't moved for weeks;
And the nausea that comes upon me
Drains the color from my cheeks.

Icicles of panic stab
My raw and tender conscience;
The voices inside my head keep screaming,
"No!" And I have to constantly fight this.

I can't sit still and just take this
I shudder, shiver and shake
I feel exposed and yet alone
How much more can I take?

What is wrong with this body?
And all the emotions inside?
If I could, I'd run to the mountains
To find a place to hide.

Surrounded by friends I think I know,
But who've never known me
I tell myself that that's a lie
I tell myself I'm not lonely.

If I once feel right again
If this throbbing in my head can cease
I'll take that as a sign from above
And soak in every second of peace.

The nervous tension
Nail-biting fear, anxiety
And then the thrill! Yes!
Ah, and the adrenaline!
Over so quickly. Again.

It doesn't matter
What you think of me, because
I have two brothers
That think more highly of me
Than you ever will; so there.

He says, "How many trucks will wreck
On that one stinkin' highway?"
"Many more," I said, "and then the world will end
And no more trucks will wreck on that highway."

This wretchedness unbearable is
I used to think that I was His
But now it often seems to me
That he has gone and let me be

I didn't want him to be gone
I was to his love always drawn
But now He's left me, I am here
Waiting to see what's drawing near

My future is dim, blurry, and dark
My mind catches fire with this one little spark
He left me because I have no will
To drive away sin that eats at me still

I feel so abandoned, lonely, alone
With dreading fear I crouch and moan
The horrors of this world are so, so tall
I feel so minuscule, so small

But then a light in darkness black
Lights up the world, nothing I lack
To see the things that troubled me
I find myself down on one knee

The weight of all I thought was lost
I find is here, but at a cost
My Savior, yes, he died for me
And how could I not see?

Things now become so clear
I wish I'd always been right here
For here I know I needn't hide
He'll never, ever leave my side.

I look in his eyes
I see a stare
Blank as paper,
But look what's there!

A deeper sense of—
Oh, what's that?
He cares for nothing,
The spoiled brat.

But underneath
The glossy gaze
Lives a boy
Of life afraid.

Everyone in history
Is playing with their phone
Everyone, I mean literally
So at least I'm not alone.

There's words I don't say
I hold deep inside of me
But when I'm tired
They come out, unexpected
Clumsily, I turn bright red.

If you are honest,
You'll say the same as them all
That you never knew
The world was so big a place
With so much sadness.

To you, my life is,
Or it is not, you aren't sure;
You really don't know.
So what am I really like?
And honestly, do you care?

Honesty with Mom—
Telling her my secret fears—
Nothing is better.

An owl hooting
Right outside of my window
Makes my heart beat fast.

Hope will strip you of worry,
It will give your heart a spark;
It can take away your fears:
But it needs credibility to work.

"Broaden your horizons,"
Said the teacher to the student.
He said, "Fine, I'll do that,
I'll move to another planet."

It's so hot in here
I want to rip off the sheets
But then I will freeze.

Why is it that my hands are hot
And my feet are freezing cold?
Could it be that a fleeting heart
Would be hesitant instead of bold?

Waiting for the hour
I look in expectation
For when you arrive.

How much is this worth?
that is the complex question
that I could not ask.
I was afraid of winning
at too high a cost,
so I despaired of success
and lowered my eyes,
resigned to give up often
and expect little
of the burning flame inside.
But no! I now refuse
to accept complacency.
It seemed safe to me
and I thought I sought comfort
by doing the minimum
and easing my load.
But what I could not have known
was I was stretched thin,
emptied by my sighs
exhausted by my free time
and tempting myself
with the lie that I was weak
and couldn't succeed
if I put forth the effort.
So why the change now?
You could say I've awoken
and it would be true,
'cause I was asleep before.
You could say I tried
and though it was so feeble,
I tasted success
and discovered what I have
and that I can win.
So here I go...I'm trying...
and I know the way to go.
I've been blessed these days:
leaders I didn't have then—
with experience—
are now showing me a world
I didn't dream of,
for fear of being let down
by my shortcomings
and flaws I couldn't escape.
But now I see it—
a future with horizons
stretching far and wide
as far as the eye can see.
All I need to do
is march steadily onwards
and challenge myself.
And then, in a year or two,
I'll have made my dreams come true.

What if the sky was golden brown
And the grass was russet red?
What if the curling, twining boughs
Of trees were blue instead?

What if my hair was purply grey
And my eyes were orangy pink?
The world would simply carry on
With inverted colors, I think.

You've tried a hundred times, I know,
But don't give up what you've begun;
It may be that what you seek will succeed
In try number a hundred and one.

But maybe I have to hurt
    so that I can heal
Maybe I have to realize
    in order for it to be real

Maybe it wasn't right,
    but that doesn’t matter now
What matters is that I can change,
    it doesn’t matter how

Maybe I need to be strong
    in order to give in
Maybe it won’t make sense now
    but someday I can win

Maybe I shouldn't worry,
    my life is in control
Maybe it doesn’t seem so,
    but I am in His hold.


But I was willing to change it all
    To alter who I am
Just to know that I was his
    I made his life my plan

I made things harder than they should
    To think, I was so certain
That I would never know another
    That he was the right person

It all seems like a blurry dream
    Now that I try to see it
But all that I thought I knew
    I can hardly now believe it

Maybe I won’t be his own
    Someday, long from today
I have to make this my plan now
    Until I find my own way.

I am not a Number,
     I am not a Name
I am neither Voice
     nor Face

I am not a Body,
     I am not a Force
I am not a Color
     and I am not a Noise.

I am not a Secret,
     I am not a Sight
I am not a Vision
     I am not Right.

I am not an Hour,
     I am not a Breath
I am not a Picture,
     I am not a Rest.

I am not a Whisper,
     I am not a Shout
I am not a Melody,
     I am not a Note.

But I am a Soul,
     I am a Spirit
I am a Word to the Wise
     Saying, I am Here.