would it surprise you to know
people have told me
they've never seen me without a smile?
did you know
i have one dimple?
everyone gets to see it,
plain as day
on my right cheek.
and when i find myself alone,
when i say goodbye,
see you tomorrow,
see you friday or monday or whenever,
and i am alone,
it disappears.
i guess
happiness looks particularly good on me.
i have always been
conscious of my appearance
after all--
i'm not me unless
i've got my dimple
on my right cheek!
ahaha.
no,
the truth is,
nine years ago in a
solemn little office for
children that don't know how to be children
my mother was told
i have depression.
nine years of this.
i have memories that put that dimple away.
at what age should you
learn how to take a pill?
i had to learn it so i could be happy.
at what age should you
learn not to take pills?
at sixteen i wondered how many i needed
to undo the life i've lived.
how much food is enough food?
i measure how well i'm doing by
how awful eating food makes me feel.
what should i blame myself for?
do my friends really like me?
am i pretty enough for people to love me?
and why don't people stay?
why don't people communicate?
what's wrong with me?
what's wrong with me?
what's wrong with me?
i'm looking for love in the wrong places.
when i look in the mirror,
what do i even see?
let me put on some eyeliner...
...that's a little better.

the ocean outside the window--
that clear blue hue that
reflects nothing to the eyes
but illustrates the heart--
turned to autumn orange and
some blue shade of red
so suddenly.

with my eyes i watched
as the light travelled against
the shadows of my textbooks,
inching across the table
until it reached its end horizon
and disappeared beyond the window.

that blue was gone so suddenly.
and the ocean came
to my eyes.

the sunset melting from
a light, lively blue to lovely lavender hues;
soft, romantic piano melodies and
sopranos harmonizing in the trees;
and quiet, happy mornings,
the sunlight tickling the leaves and then my window,
and then your eyelids, the outline of your profile,
softly rising and falling, dreaming
next to me.

if i had words for how i feel of these things;
the gentle waves of your voice like the ocean,
your arms washing over and enveloping me,
the happy crashing of your laughter with mine,
your lips like fragments of light on the water's surface;
i believe those words might be
i love you

i don't talk to people.
sometimes i smile,
and i know how to say hello,
but i don't talk to people.

i can read, though.
it was foreign to me
until middle school age,
but the runes on the pages of
the holy book, the look of
my mother's first language,
became words that i could
slowly untangle. and
i was proud of myself,

but that doesn't matter when
i don't talk to people.
my grandmother tiptoes in
conversation with me; her eyes
know no frustration but she
cannot expect a full reply.
my cousin laughs with my mother
and i can't help but wonder
if she wishes i’d laugh, too.
and i worry that the words
will refuse my american accent.
i worry i do not
eat enough spiced curry,
pray enough to the right gods,
or even act
indian enough.

i don't talk to people.
i’m not sure how.

i remember your laugh
blooming like spring roses
at the end of summer
i could imagine the way your
lips parted, cheeks blushed
over the phone so clearly

i fell in love that day,
so much so that
even if i were to someday forget all about you
those roses would still smell so sweet

i'm afraid that
i'll have all the words
to a love poem in my head
but no one to give them to

she basks in the sun's warmth
her half brilliantly glows
she dances on starlight
soft quiet steps on each star
as she twirls, twisting
the cosmos around her.
and yet her other half
hides away, unseen
her secrets embedded in her
forever companion, the
shroud of darkness that is the sky.
how mysterious and how beautiful
she is tonight.

in the dead of night
cruising past the streetlights
in a college student's car,
who am i?
i'm not american in these streets;
i'm not indian in this skin;
i am just another shadowed face
behind the windshield.
another pair of headlights reflecting off the asphalt.
another fleeting thought,
if even that.

regrettably,
i layed in bed
before i got myself dinner.
when i had gotten up again,
only a single cold plate remained
on that table for two.
my only company were
the memories that dined with me.
they laughed with me as i ate,
chased me back to my blankets,
wrapped their arms around me,
and slept with me.
and i couldn't breathe.

no matter how much i tell myself
you're gone,
i see you in everything

i wrote your name in pencil
i would erase it before you passed me by
but, watching your back distance from me,
i rewrote those letters like i
could not wear down that pencil enough

and i wrote your name in pen
that day you saw it, it was embedded in ink
no eraser could hide those feelings
but truly no pen could encompass the answer
written in your twinkling eyes

then i tried to draw your name.
but what color could possibly rival
the love your heart contains? and
how do i put on this paper what
the sound of your laugh does to me?
every time i wrote every way i love you
i just wrote your name again and again

even now
it's all i can do anymore

i am saving words.
i find them in dusty corners,
old words piling up over the years,
and i collect them in my hands.
i look under books i wore from use,
between scribbled annotations in their pages.
in my journal i find words
i thought about a lot,
and sometimes, i find words in the spaces
that i thought about too much.
i search in the bathroom sink,
where they get caught in the drain,
and i work up a sweat to pull them out.
i search in places i used to go
just to remember again,
i am saving those words.
some of them i meant for my friends.
a few look like they were
for people a bit closer than friends.
most of them are for myself,
and i am saving those words for myself.
i am saving them to remember
the life i've lived thus far.

a hushed conversation between the leaves and wind
lonely crowing from cicadas at summer's end
bubbling fountains crashing like grand waterfalls
shuffling in the trees; scraps of nuts raining as the squirrels feast
girls laughing together; boys calling each other
in the distance, a deep growl as tires tread asphalt
and thoughts, blissful thoughts

a million miles i've spent
walking along the shore, seeing what kind of people
would wash up here,
were worth it when i found
an iridescent pearl in the sands
looking for a wandering heart.
from nobody else in this world
could a single glance
set my nerves dancing like fireflies in moonlight
and tug for my smile to dance along.
i've forgotten just how much
the sand has sullied my calloused feet.
is this what the fish feel like
when the warm ocean washes over their gills again
to give them life?
fervent, vibrant life?

i blink.
days spent in the library
gnawing at the bone of academia
howling on nights spent in essays
and finally lying down to rest
when the barking is all done
it passes in an instant.
i blink.
the incessant fluttering
the chirps and songs dissonant but
after a long day's work
the birdhouse still is so comforting
how the days have gone by
and so soon it will just be a memory.
i blink.
poem upon poem
upon day upon day
from birth to cocoon it grew
some poems later it took flight
there are more gardens elsewhere
its been ages now but perhaps
it will find heart to come again.
i blink.
the paws have learned
not to crawl on the piano keys
but to strut on them
the chords don't sound so accidental
rather they purr warmly
and echo even now.
i blink
and prepare for the world again.

in the heat of a thunderous twilight storm
like a child swallowed by fear i
clung onto my stuffed toys
i asked them if everything would be okay
if the sun will come out tomorrow morning
and the rest of the mornings after
even if the storm continues to brew in darker places than the night
and the rain pours but not from the sky
my little fingers held big fears but
i have to grow up
so i wont have to rely on my toys
and so i can properly grip those fears of mine

it's starting to feel hot again
the sticky summer sun and the
cicadas calling into the night like lost children
the cool water, the stinging scent of chlorine
and fireflies like faraway shooting stars
i feel something i don't quite know what to call yet
i feel like the sound of your voice
cool as the breeze under the shade
and i want to pitch a hammock there.
or the color of your eyes in the
mysterious beauty of the dark side of the moon.
for now maybe i'll just call it
air conditioning

i tried to sleep.
i gripped those dreams that keep
slipping through my trembling fingers
and wondered if i should ever
hold them tenderly and securely
with tumultuous oceans brewing in my eyes
i again begged them,
stay a little longer please
and if not then allow me to
cleave my fingers from my hands so
i don't have to worry about holding anything anymore
i really tried to sleep
but i don't know how to anymore

its times like these i get
so sentimental that i regress a bit
to days that i seriously wished
i was dead.
though, more than anything,
i want to just wish for you.
i went to your instagram
and i saw some of your prom photos.
you are so beautiful.
i wanted to cry and laugh at the same time.
i want to tell you about
my fear of staying in one place and
my fear of moving away,
how i still love the same person i told you about,
the voice in my head telling me i should quit my passions,
and about how
in times like these i grip onto the syllables of your name
and pray that everything will be okay.

i miss you a lot.

hello! it's been so long
it's been so long since you
talked to me like this
like this we were whispering
in each other's ears like
not even the august leaves
could have part in our affair
not even the august leaves
could know what we were
it's such a shame isn't it?
isn't it? that those leaves,
drifting down so sadly,
became september leaves
september leaves that knew
only the tears that we shed
the tears that we shed
and now the april leaves will
never know who we were
never know who you were
never know who i was
just who you and i are now
it's been so long since you
talked to me like this i almost
remembered how much i missed you

a single note slips out of the chord
as the others cling to safe harmony
she turns the soundwaves to crackling lightning
she becomes the tension of a catastrophic earthquake
she pushes the limits of the dam and threatens to flood
she is dissonance
and she will hold out before her resolution

i want to say in simple terms
the full extent of my love for you--
the sun could not compete in its burn,
the bird's morning song could not be more true;
the cicada's crow falls short in fervor
and the moon's light cannot be as gentle.
this heart remains stubborn and will not waver
for of you it has its complete fill.
though, perhaps, the sun's light shines more close
and the bird's free flight is nearer
than i, who hovers like a ghost;
how silly it is that i consider you dearest...
in simple terms, i love you honest,
though all i can do is pine and write sonnets.

enough! i said.
the tiger roared in its dull silver jail.
i lifted my bitten fingers to the padlock
and enclosed it in, finally.
you, i hissed,
you mustn't follow me anymore;
i am breaking away from all that you are.
your striking orange fur doesn't tempt me,
nor do your growling words phase me.
i am leaving you here,
so begone.
but alas, where can it go but around its cage?
soon enough i heard it call a name i know well,
the jail crumbled away,
and i found myself within its jaws again.

i hear
chewing, chewing, chewing
i think it's my
lingering negativity
feasting on leftover feelings.
chewing, chewing, chewing
feast, i say.
eat till you're filled,
then eat me entirely too.
chewing, chewing, chewing
don't
leave
a
single
crumb
of
memory.

when i walk through the hallways
making sure to avoid stranger's faces
when i drive from home to work anywhere
and i sing to no one but a recording
when i open twitter on my phone to see
everyone's chatting in a thread but me
when i scroll rapidly through texts discord messenger
reading old messages for any leftover emotions to feel
when i throw my phone across the room
so i don't have to worry about anyone
when i look at it from afar
in case anyone wanted to ask are you okay? are you there? are you tired? do you want something? do you want someone? do you like your life? why do you laugh so much if half the time you laugh at your own jokes?

i let my eyelids flutter shut
smiled coyly
held their face in my hands gingerly
stood on my tip toes and
some lips met somewhere
i can't say for sure
when i shut my eyes
i was a sea in their arms
completely enamoured
and i wanted a little bit more
just a glimpse of those eyes
looking at me
but when i looked back
i
i couldn't recognize those arms
those eyes those lips
then for whom was i smiling?

i saw someone
kissing your eyelids as you fell asleep
wrapping their arms gently around you
and pulling you ever closer
i heard their
soft breath tickle your neck
all the way from here
and no i can't really hear that far
but also i can, you know?
i'm watching them
unravel the impossible enigma that is you
with effortless swagger and irresistability
while you gaze into their eyes
and i
saw

i made you
a sandwich; it's
in the icebox.

i was worried
you'd get hungry.

i remembered
to put your
favorite
things in it,
so please
eat it.

a song
i write it, weaving my heart's musings into it,
open my window,
and sing

and sing
i imagine my voice catching to the wind,
taking flight as a bird flutters to find a home,
on its way
to you

to you
the wind slows and the winter air
grasps the song i sing
it is torn from the sky and
my throat burns with negativeemotions
the choir of birds do not  mind
they carry their song onwards
but mine
mine
m ine
    mine,

the night unfolds elegantly
i wedge myself again in between
its elegance and my weary thoughts
i imagine wishing for silly things
on the passing shooting stars
but if i snap back to reality
i remember that one wish i keep on wishing
and i look out my window
waiting for a star to come by and hear me
the night is too elegant
for such a wish,
such thoughts,
as mine

you are a universe, love
let me be just one star
in your infinite galaxies

already the year ends
to think that in such a short time
i have evolved from
a caterpillar dreaming of the sky
to a butterfly
tasting the clouds

and yet i long for the stars still
fortunately
another year approaches
i would like to
fly to the moon

today i wore a new perfume
with the warmth of vanilla
and a hint of lavender
i wonder, if i were to
hold you close to me,
would you find it comforting

or should i just tell you
where i got the perfume?

near the edge of the water
i sit on the warm sand,
watching the waves roll
closer to me, then away
i want to inch closer but
i can't help but simply hope
the waves will splash over my feet

as the comforting scent of the ocean
gently washes over me,
i daydream of
the schools of fish living there,
the vibrant coral reefs decorating the scenery,
the warmth of the rippling water,
and i
smile without thinking

i hide my face
how embarrassing

in another daydream of mine
i gather the courage finally
to feel the water for myself

i dip my toe tentatively
before diving in entirely

in eons the Earth
found the means to create
a wonderous world populated
with lush forests, rippling oceans,
and life bursting from every corner

and yet, the planet
still spins in the same direction
the moon still
borrows her light from the sun

then tell me
what's the use of
wishing on shooting stars
they've seen every unchanging moment
they know each story ends the same way

the flowers i've planted
have never bloomed, nor felt spring
all these years i believed
with enough water i could do
something
anything

perhaps i need to
plant my flowers elsewhere
or perhaps i should
accept this broken universe

many people have told me
my name is beautiful
i never truly understood that
until you said it for the first time

in that moment my name left your lips
i think i fell in love
somehow in your voice
every phoneme sounded like a song
that i wanted to hear on repeat

if i said your name aloud,
would you think the same, i wonder?
i practiced a few times in the car
a few times in the mirror before bed
and in the morning before school too

my voice does not hold your name
quite as smoothly, as naturally,
as yours holds mine
but i hope you don't mind that
i hope that you come to love that
just as i have come
to love your name

the whirlpool churns,
beginning to turn frothy and treacherous
i reach my arms towards anything
but i clutch my own shirt,
and i spin.
the whirlpool turns me around
my eyes cross and i suspect i may
drown
drown
drown
i want to ground myself
but in a whirlpool
where is up and where is down
i am churning
my nails dig deeper into the fabric
this brain of mine tosses itself
into havoc

i am holding onto words
i struggle to remember
the whirlpool churns
and in turn those words are lost to me

the sky sprawled out across the atmosphere
the sun melted into a rich, bursting orange
and then into a deep, mellow lavender
clouds like sharp strokes on a canvas
drifted so slowly they
seemed to be suspended onto that artwork

from my vantage point,
having exhausted myself in study and in loneliness,
that sky seemed to knock on my heart's door
and leak into what cracks i had sustained
yesterday's despair seemed so far away in that moment
for once i admired the present for
what a gift that sight had been

for such an array of beauty
i had no words to describe
but after giving it some thought
i feel your name would fit it best

i wonder what your name
looks like in my handwriting
if i weren't as shy as i am
i would have overcrowded a notebook
just of the way your i's are dotted
what frightens me is that
your hands don't agonize over my name
don't at least motion the symbols in the air
much less write them
and i wonder what my name
looks like in your handwriting
if you curl the e the same i would curl yours
or if you bestow your personal touch upon it
either way it would look beautiful
i would adore any name you'd write for me

i wonder what your name
looks like in my handwriting
but honestly i worry that
i cannot do it justice

with the break of dawn
     i feel hunger following my sleep
arrives the warmth of the sun
     and the warmth of fresh breakfast
beside me is an indentation in the bed
     following its scent i linger on sugar
your scent still lingers in the blankets
     its irresistable; i'm hooked on this flavor
i hear your footsteps like shy murmurs
     sweet blueberries and soft muffin bread
lifting my eyes to meet yours finally
     i find solace in its simple beauties
you are my sunrise my dear
     the day is not complete without you

a fuzzy little peach
rolled from her terrace of the tall table
off into the depths of the air and onto the floor.
i scooped her into my hands and asked her,
'beautiful peach, how did you land here?'
with a sigh, she responded,
'dear human, there are few things i can do.
once i began to roll,
i could not stop myself.'
her skin clouded with signs of contusion
and her flesh softened with the force of her fall.

'beautiful peach,
there are few things i am able to do as well.'
i did all that i could for her in that moment--
brought the fuzzy little peach to my chest
and gently held her close to my heart.

'dear human,'
she whispered,
'though it is not much to you,
to me,
it means everything.'

every song sounds the same to me
somehow they bring me to you
i want to imagine you here,
humming along with every tune
every color looks the same to me
each hue of the rainbow i remember
in shades of you; all the leaves
melt into the same shade of november
every aroma smells the same to me
flowers and memories are just as sweet
if i could i would send you a million,
if it could make you think of me

every thought i have is the same, too
it all reminds me of you, you, you

apple lingers on my fingertips
autumn leaves and christmas gifts surround me
the echo of a song overlapping another
brings sleepiness' song to my voice,
the prison of rest onto my legs,
but a small hum of discontent is all i can say
and i say it excitedly

when i wake up i fall from my ceiling
my shower water falls into it, though
my clothes hang upside down in my closet
i set my car in reverse to go

when i walk i always look behind me
i try to open doors, but instead they close
i wave hello to the people i meet
but they wave goodbye; i suppose
that's what having a backwards life is about

when i cover myself in blankets to keep warm
no matter how heavy they are, i am cold
i can laugh the loudest in a crowd
but i feel alone in memory's hold

i am always wishing you were here
even at times i don't want to think of you
i wonder if you think of me sometimes
but maybe you don't want to think of me, too
that's what having a backwards life is about

through the naked trees
the winter wind blows into
the depths of my heart

what is it you think about that
makes you as special as the full moon,
and just as ethereal?
even after all this time,
i linger on the ends of words you wrote,
on stanzas you seamlessly weaved into poetry;
i remember the rich green ends of your hair
like chlorophyll saturating new leaves;
i see you in every shade of yellow
and in the soft soil of this Earth you love so much.
you said that i changed your life
but i cannot begin to explain how
your smile rivals the dazzling, celestial beauty of sunrise,
your laugh blooms as a sweet rose in spring,
and the thoughts you think are absolutely captivating.
you're somebody special

even after all this time...
we have graduated from who we were then
and stride in opposite directions.
perhaps i don't love you quite the same
as time is a funny phenomenon
but i am always wishing the best for you,
and that transcends time.
i wonder if sometimes,
you turn back and look for me in your memories?

i live slowly.
i chew slowly, letting sweets and spices melt on my tongue
i write slowly because the right words come to patient minds
i fall asleep slowly so i can reflect on the gift of yesterday
and i awaken slowly when i am ready for morning's light
i drive slowly when i can,
and i run slowly, for the beauty of the scenic route
i fall in love slowly, carefully, fully,
and i may fall out of it, but even slower

see just as a flower waits until the warmth of spring
before she blooms,
i, too, am always
looking for a spring to bloom for
and i often find it
in moments that people slip past too quickly

and when i bloom,
when i am immersed in the warmth of life,
i bloom beautifully

A shell on the beach
shines with brilliance against the sand
it holds all the colors of the world
in every beautiful band on its surface
and inside, it echoes the rolling ocean
whose song its always lived beside

But the rain batters the innocent coast
and cruel winds scramble its peace,
boasting its power over that
brilliant little shell

Its surface dulls in the storm
and its smooth colorful form becomes distorted with cracks
all its hues, it wishes were subdued
it wishes it could hide under the cold sand forever
and inside,
the ocean is still
frighteningly,
achingly,
despairingly,
deadly
still.

i am so tightly woven into
the sound of your voice,
i become hypnotized,
and i feel like i am just
an extension of your music.
what should i do with these feelings,
but allow them to overtake my arms and legs,
let my eyelids shut like a curtain on a stormy day,
and breathe like i will live forever...
you are my best friend;
though we will probably never meet,
i know you so well my heart
hums the same music from yours.
my only hope for myself is that
someday,
i could just imagine what
living a day in your colorful world is like.

frayed copper wires never to be bound
electricity is lost, connections unwound, and
where one end surges in power
the other cowers, weak in comparison
i watched their awful lives and wished
someone's expert hands could finish their plight
i attempted to fix it in the past but
other copper wires are so tightly woven!
and meanwhile, this little lightbulb
flickers meaninglessly.
why no one has smashed the wires
under their feet and then in a raging fire from fatigue i
dont know.

The last time I felt like this I
was a high school freshman
trying out this new word as if I'd
just heard it.
My mind escapes reality on its own accord
and returns to moments where
your summer brown eyes made
my chocolate brown eyes melt.
The image of your neck gently curving
to listen to music replays in my head
like an old jazz tune,
like I'm a chord holding out for resolution.
I sway in memories of watching
your reflection in the upright piano,
eyeing your hands gliding across
the familiar fretboard,
as I played alongside you.
I am bound to your smile.

I wonder if you've ever had a
love poem written for you?
I wonder if you even think about me?
I wonder if you even know
you inspire me.