i enjoy my solitude
but i wouldn't mind
if you jumped into it with me, too

if it's any consolation,
i won't ask to see you again
if it makes you happier,
i'll pretend you don't exist
but you should know,
that i am never going to forget

so i said to you,
if you're scared of something
i think that you should just do it anyway
you didn't say anything
i forgot that we think so differently

you
      have
              no
                   idea  

how
        much
                  i
                   write
                        
                                    about
                                               you

you don't know this
but when you smile
the kind that goes from ear to ear
i simply sit there and feel
all of the overwhelming love that i have for you
and i am calm in that smile and i am in love
god, i am in love

you made me feel like i belonged
like i could actually have
a life involved with others
now you're gone
and i am even more alone
than before

was it all
just a joke?

the leaves are beginning to fall,
just as we are

i watched you sit inside of that sad house
i watched you sit inside of that sad room
i watched you sit inside the sadness within yourself
i watched you **** yourself

we felt like a dream that i am never going to forget

i think it's weird now how we spent the summer entirely in love
how good things felt, how they were
how much happiness sprung, as the sun
and the problems we tried to ignore but they eventually overtook us
now things feel so cold with no hope, soon like the snow
but i would still find your freezing hand and hold it with mine to give us warmth once more

i put you out of my head
and i went to bed
i went to bed
i forgot the next morning
and i no longer wept

i knew that i was in love when it broke my heart to see you hurt
i knew that i was in love when it killed me inside to watch you waste away your life
i know that i am in love with you,
because love still remains
despite all of your bad parts

well, lately i
lately i
have felt
that maybe
it's all right
to die
or to even remain
alive
well, lately i
have been writing
too much
about you and i
words which you
will never see
and well lately
i've been staying awake
each night
for too long
trying to beat
the sun
because i don't want
anyone
in my bed
or yours
i try to sleep
because each morning
just reminds me
that i'm not sharing it
with you, ever
anymore
well, lately i
have come across a change
and i wish you were here
to be my witness
that i am no longer
the same
you're miles away
and i guess i have
accepted
that i'm no longer
a part of your life
well, you know?
i still
love you
and i have learned  
it's okay to die
with you
on my mind

you made me feel                          
           [ SO LOVED ]
but then one day you disappeared
                      [ CLEAR OUT OF SIGHT ]
now, i ask
                                [ WHERE DO I GO?]

i made myself hate you
so that i could forget you
i made myself hate you
so that i could stop loving you
i made myself hate you
because i knew all along
that there was more bad than good
i made myself hate you
to save me, to save my sanity
to put myself first and foremost
i made myself hate you
so that i could begin to love me

i want to start something new
with you i was childish and a fool
yet i can't deny that that was ever me
so honest and fragile but never truly free
clung onto you too tightly for security and peace
i feel a change of pace
that i don't have to remain that way
but oh god, on some days
on some days ...
i'd give anything to be that me again
i'd give anything to be that madly in love with you again

did you notice the new tattoo that i got?
i know it's been quite some time since we've been apart
are you gonna ask me if it hurt?
are you gonna ask me what it meant?
i know you want to forget the day that you left
but i couldn't
so here's the new mark that i got
branded into my skin
so i could never forget
what you and i had been

when i see you my entire world lights up
i've been living too long in the dark
i no longer see any light at all

missing someone
and being unable to do
a single thing about it

in my head did you lay
in my head you always will stay

i walked around for hours last night to get you out of my head
i passed by your house once or twice, remembering when we sat on that porch and you told me you wished that i was dead
you were sound asleep in your bed, not providing a single thought about me
with a heavy chest, i turned around and went back home to lay in my own bed
i'm supposed to be in yours though, not alone
i guess to you, i truly now am dead as you had hoped
and the sad part is, i still feel love beating inside of my head
for your bones, for your skin, a materialized idea of what we could have been

and had it been up to me,
we would have been an eternity

you don't get to tell me that you love me and pick and choose which parts you want to love, and then simply leave me when you come across a part that you don't want

the air was stale with cigarette smoke
there was beer on your breath, like always it is
i gave myself away to embrace you as tight as i could
told you,
that not once these last few days did the thought ever cross my mind that i did not love you

it is three thirty in the morning as i walk and write this
still straying thoughts only to you
wherever you are at this minute
and i wish that i could be there, a part of those minutes

i thought of how you used to walk me back home everyday from your place
because you wanted to spend every second that you could with me before i had to leave
i thought of how you would lay in my bed while i was showering, and trying to not let me dress as i smiled and swatted you away
i thought of how my mother was happy for me, that i had found somebody
now you're not allowed five feet within our building
i told you when we met that we were going to have a good summer, and i meant it
and we did, though amidst the sunshine there was some rain, yet we stayed, we stayed, because love always reigned
now i'm sitting outside in the dark, missing your lips and the way you held my body
how you are a fifteen minute walk away that i am no longer allowed to take
how the summer died and so did your love for me, though my love for you is still as warm as the summer sun
how badly i wanted to be laying in your bed still in the upcoming cold months
but now i am no longer welcome, and you only want your blankets or a new body to hold
while i lay dead cold and alone, reminiscing that we were good, yet you chose doubt over love, and let the bad times overshadow the good times once and for all

But you say "I love you" to every girl you meet
And that really isn't love,
Just because you are lonely
And what's sad about that is -
You'll never really feel "love"
Because she leaves or you leave
And you're back on the desperate hunt for a new
"I love you"
And this cycle repeats
Love doesn't die when a person walks away
Love is a stitch in the chest that remains
It can't quite ever go away
And I think you know this, but -
You are too scared to be alone
Too scared to live without a love
So jump and jump from this love to that one
I think you are scared because you know
That you can't ever love yourself

wherever you are, you aren't here
where you may be, i can't count on disappearing
because i need to start new, and go to you
are you waiting for me
as i am waiting for you?

he told me that he had some stitches and he could sew me back up
with colorful threads that knew no bounds
and the most fragile of needles to avoid afflicting anymore hurt
i took up his offer and allowed him to stitch me back up
yet eventually the seams tore and broke and he walked away telling me that he couldn't fix it this time

but i'm trying so hard to fix things
and give you every drop of love which i have
how is that not enough?
how much more exhausting of myself must be done?
i love you more than anything -
can't you see?

do you feel
my
hollow loneliness
screaming at you
from across
the world?

i hate it when i have to sleep without you
but i can't tell you that
because i know that you do not feel the same  
you do not miss my skin as your blanket
as i do yours
nor my chest as your pillow
yet you are my favorite pillow
i miss when i can't see your face the moment that i awake
it always gives me the best start to my day
i know that you will awake and start your day just the same
with or without my bleary eyes and sleepy face

i hate it when i have to sleep without you
because of all these tiny things
but i can't tell you that, no ...
i can't

i like laying in your bed better than my own
even if i'm alone
because at least here, there are still traces of you everywhere
and maybe when you come back
you'll lie next to me in bed
and tell me that you love me
melting into thoughts of the other
as if this is our own quiet world
and we cannot be bothered by any hurt

i wish i hadn't talked
i wish i hadn't said anything
i should have bit my tongue
and kept my silence
i didn't want things to get this violent
nothing good comes when i let words escape my mouth
i wish i hadn't said a word
i wish i knew how to drown without spitting up water

everything is different and strange
but i can't force change on you
and i can't make you love me
just like you used to

i will find
peace and solitary
somewhere, sometime
inside of this mind
just right now
is not my time
nor any of the right
kinds of love
that have kept me awake these nights
i will find
and it will be here
and it will be tangible
and it is so very near
but i need to learn
to love, first
myself
and it will be
so beautifully heart wrenching

we laid in bed and i had scars on my wrist
you looked at them with such disdain, rubbing your fingers over this exhausted skin
i told you then why i got this tattoo
because i told myself that i was done with doing this
you didn't say anything
i didn't say anything
because both of us knew, that commitment was never true

i saw a girl who was hurting
he saw a girl who was crazy

i have been
                      (sad)
lately
for what it would seem
                               (no reason)
to speak
so hear my crumbling
                                      (aching)
you aren't listening
i remain
                   (alone).

he was violet violence in her eyes
and she was cyan sadness in his
the two tried to mesh
but their colors couldn't blend

sometimes i still imagine the snowy streets
and the quiet, dark calmness which only winter brings
and the pulsing excitement that i was headed to see you
the radio quietly humming and my mind running like crazy
a million thoughts surrounded by you

but now all of these memories are just purely lonely
and i hate winter and the snowy streets and the quiet darkness which is now so unnerving
because i can't change anything and winter now is only colder
as cold as you are now, frozen fragments inside of my head
i walk around to rid myself of them
yet you remain, you remain
you remain dead

i hate winter
because winter is you
and winter was us

he chose alcohol and told me to go home
he slammed my body and told me to go home with my broken bones
he threw me out onto the mat and told me to go home
his eyes were bloodshot red and he had saliva dripping from his lips
yet he told me to go home as i begged and pleaded at the door
love was not strong enough when it is faced with a drug
he went to bed with his drug and told me to go home

i think of closed spaces and the tiny gaps between our fingers
and how much love used to linger
and the endless suffering which still surfaced as caring
because it was always too **** difficult to let go of each other
and we kept tugging and pulling at each others' fingers until we broke the other
and we blamed loved and claimed it as love
but we were toxic and killed the other
and still to this day, years later, we blame love
because we both desperately wanted and needed "love"
yet love and poison do not mix and all we ever did was create heartaches
i do not believe that i am fit for love, nor are you
love is not blood and the desire to die
love is not leaving the other when the fire becomes too high

I remember one night you came back to me after being gone for ten minutes or so, and I asked you why did you come back? and you answered, because I didn't want you to be alone.
And I think that is what love is.

i want to go lay down in a warm field of grass and not wake up
let my death be surrounded by the flowers and the sun
and the sweet scent of peace which reminds me i still remain here
my spirit says its ready to go, its ready to go home

i breathe and you breathe
and we create some sort of harmony
like a dance for two
which we want no one else to see
midnight hours, the dark cloaking our shadows
the shallow breathing
of exchanging one another
we're like two ghosts lingering in the graveyard
i breathe and you breathe
and we keep this secrecy

maybe i want you to find my notebooks someday
so that you can read all about my pain
that i kept stashed and stored and hidden
behind my pen and the countless ink stains on my hands
my pain that i wanted to speak to you about yet never could
so here are my last words, they always didn't come so easy to write
i grew restless, exhausted, and i just wanted you to look into my eyes
instead i held base, behind these scribbled lines

he does not want you anymore
and he no longer thinks that you are beautiful

i want to let my ghost evaporate inside of you through your mouth
finally i can touch your lips, breathe me in but don't breathe me out
blend me in with your soul so that you will never let go
give my spirit its eternal resting place where it has always wanted to be
home, home, finally, that is you
i have always clung to you for this sweet, sweet peace

at the very least
i wish that we could have remained as friends
because i've always told you
and i always meant it
that you are the type of person
i would want in my life
regardless of the position

it's a fine tuesday afternoon,
and you sit inside locked within your room
the sun burns and the voices hurt,
though you are craving human touch
yet the only things touching your skin is this bottle of wine and your cigarettes to your lips