Stop.

Take a minute to think...
...Maybe get a drink.

Good...

Now then...
Try again.

12/19/18

Anger. 
I can see it in his eyes,
I can smell it on his breath.
How is he even standing?
He's lost all self control
(As if he had any to begin with)
Fear is swelling within my soul
So afraid of going back into that hole. 

He's so full of hatred,
I can smell it on his breath,
Screaming and shouting,
And spitting in my face,
Says he's going to put me
Back into my place. 
Down on my knees,
 Face down on the ground,
Until I beg and I plead
Or don't make any sound. 

What an animal, what a monster,
Drunk with hate and distrust,
I can see it in his eyes,
I can smell it on his breath;
How is he even standing?
Or how can he see,
So caught up with anger
Staring, screaming at me. 

He swings at my head,
Striking my face;
(Without make-up for cover,
I would be a disgrace.)
He throws me around like trash
Putting me "in my place"
Face down in the ground where I belong;
Where I am weak, meek,
And my outlook is bleak;
Where all light is gone. 

I don't want to go back into that hole,
It's cold and dark, black like his soul.
I'm sick and tired of being afraid,
But he's stronger than I,
Or so he likes to proclaim,
But I see it in his eyes
And I can smell it on his breath
Tonight he's threatening death.

He's coming at me again,
To hit me once more,
I won't take it this time,
I'm losing my mind,
So I dig my thumbs into his eyes
And scratch at his face.
It's time everyone sees him as the disgrace.

How is he even standing,
Why won't he just fall,
He doesn't seem to be phased at all.
I can see it in his eyes, 
I can smell it on his breath
He's so drunk with anger
I'm never finding rest. 

He pushes me once
 And pushes me again, 
Starting to lose his balance 
Every now and then. 
Just to catch my own 
I lean my hand against the table
To find a pair of scissors right there 
So I question if I'm able.
 He grabs the bat by the door,
 And charges, no light left in his eyes
Before I even know it 
we're on the floor and both surprised.

His expression is unchanging
Now drunk from so much shock
I can see it in his eyes
I can smell it on his breath
This is our last goodbye.
His body is oozing life, 
I can feel it on my hand,
The warmth of that red essence
Dripping down my arm. 

Will this ever wash off?
Will I ever be free?
From the guilt deep within
That is eating me?
My shirt is stained a crimson red,
Life dripping from his lips to my head. 
I see nothing in his eyes,
I smell nothing on his breath,
The guilt is eating me up inside
But at least I've found my rest.

12/8/14

Here's to the New Year
For one filled with hope
Where we conquer the fear
With which we couldn't before cope.

To a year full of promises we mean to keep
To finally getting a good nights sleep.

Here's to a new dawn
One filled with a brighter sun
A day to face with out a yawn
And filled with joy and fun.

To a day for us to be reborn
After being battered and forlorn.

Here's to the new life
And the promises to change
To persevering through last year's strife
And outrunning terror's range.

To all the things that caused us pain
That they might at last bring forth gain.

Here's to the New Year
Filled with great unknowns
To have many days of cheer
And a light to us shown.

Here's to the hope of a better tomorrow
One filled with hope instead of last years sorrows.

Here's to the future me
To never forget the past
That I might always see
How God has built me to last.

Here's to a New Year filled with laughter
And to living life happily ever after.

1/3/14

I fight this battle hard and true
To find a way to make me new
But for all the pain that does ensue
I have me to thank and not you.

I'm tired out and torn apart
Ever since we broke each other's heart.
Such a feat came at a great cost
For that's when I found I was lost.

It seems that I am finding out
That evermore I'm finding doubt, 
For every right I do feels wrong
And I'm left wandering, wandering on.

What I should do I do not know,
Perhaps it's time to let this go.
I thought it was love, the day we met
But I guess it's time I just forget.

I long for things that have once been
To find joy in life, once again
But even at night this can never be
For not even my dreams have me smiling.

It seems that I am finding out
That evermore I'm finding doubt.
For after midnight comes the dawn
And I'm left wandering, wandering on.

I stumble around looking to find me
Trying to search for something to remind me
Have I ever been in this place before?
Or is this the first time I've opened that door?

I think I've lost myself to the night
Losing hope when I lost my sight
I'm blinded, broken, battered, and bruised,
If I find me will I be any less confused?

It seems that I am finding out
That evermore I'm finding doubt.
For out of sight my hope has gone,
And I'm left wandering, wandering on

7/7/14

He was a man of ambition, a goofy look on his face,
He had just arrived to a new and foreign place.

But this was a cold place, masked by the sun
It beat him down until he wanted to run.

He was looking for love, lost and alone,
So he clung to the first girl he could call home.

When they first met it was love at first look.
If love is a drug then oh, boy, was he hooked.

He couldn’t get enough, but she couldn’t care less
He was unaware that his world was a mess.

They tried to warn him, but couldn’t get through.
His world was a lie he insisted was true.

She turned him against them when they persisted.
She toyed with his heart and got his mind all twisted.

Abused and berated he still thought it was right
Even though all they could do was fight.

Over time we had to leave him to his devices
Only he could find the way to conquer the crisis.

Once, I checked up on him to see how he was
It was the same drug different name, for that’s what he does.

It’s not offten you witness an abusive addiction,
But a drug like love can be a strange affliction.

8/20/18

It seems like time
Will forever last
In this near perfect world,
Where I have no past.

I never hunger,
I never thirst,
I never wonder
What comes first.

I am not standing
Nor do I sit.
Maybe I'm floating, 
Yes, perhaps that's it.

It seems like time
Will forever last 
In this near perfect world
I've naught more to ask

It's warm here,
And my room is small
Every time I stretch 
I bump into the wall

There's a soft glow 
There's a warm light
I hear a small drum beat
Saying everything's all right.

The room it shrinks
Either that or I grow,
Time starts to reveal
What I don't know.

It seems like time
Will not forever last
In this near perfect world
The end is coming fast

Suddenly there is a change
And I'm feeling very strange
I think there's a type of claw
I can only stare in awe.

It grabs my arm, I feel the pain
My bones sound a crack like a horses reign

I cry out in silence, Can anyone hear?
Slowly I slip away into the abyss of fear.

I can't bear it as the pain carries on
Why in the world is this allowed by my mom?

What did I do? Why doesn't she fight?
I guess it's too late to know
Why ****** has become my birthright.

1/4/13 12:21 am

To my once dearest friend,
I simply wish to make amends,
I know that you've moved on
It's my turn to go.

But what's it like to realize
That what we felt was only lies 
And not for real?
Did it catch you by surprise,
And did he open up your eyes
To how you feel?
Oh, I just want to know, my friend;
What's it like to fall in love again?

I often wished to write, but then,
I feared upsetting you again.
 I really should move on,
But I need to know.

Will I look into her eyes 
Only to think of all the times 
I looked at you?
Will not everything she does 
 Simply remind me of the love 
That I first knew?
Oh I just want to know, my friend;
What's it like to fall in love again?

I can't help thinking of
The day I get to fall in love 
And show how far I've come,
That I've let go.

But what's it like to realize 
That your first love was all a lie
And not for real?
When she looks me in the eye
Will it catch me by surprise 
just how I feel?
Oh, I just want to know my friend;
What's it like to fall in love again?

 I'm not sure how I'll feel.
How will I know if it is real,
Or if it's better that I run;
I need to know.

Will she catch me off my guard
And will I feel within my heart
A love that's strong?
Or will I know upon first sight
When I'm with her I am right 
Where I belong?
Oh, I just want to know, my friend;

Will she help me off the ground
And will I at last be found
As I take her hand?
It hurt like nothing else before
When you knocked me to the floor,
I couldn't stand.
Though I know you said we can't be friends;
Tell me, what's it like to fall in love again?

9/10/14

"America, the beautiful," you once were said to be.
Where men would fight to keep this place the land of brave and free.

But now instead these men that fight are left so far behind
They are pushed way to the back, out of sight out of mind.
It is my hope that by the end of this you'll see,
Although they fought with courage we are all but free.

America, America, upon which God's grace had shone 
With liberty and justice for all, where'er the flag was flown.

But now there is another flag that mocks God in his face
What is now a symbol of sinful lusts was once that of God's grace.
And now no longer do we have what's called a home of liberty
For where is justice in the killing of the unborn, this I just can't see.

America, once beautiful, so far you've come since then
You did your best to play the act, but forgot your lines again.

You tried so hard to conquer hate, by making laws to call it crime
Our courts are full of useless debates that in the end just waste our time.
We sit and act like nothing's wrong, as if we're clean and pure
We breathe our last so painfully, yet still reject the cure.

America, America, where will the line be drawn?
Or will you slowly crumble into the fading dawn?

You say if done for love then it's all fair and good,
That these sinners are all just simply misunderstood.
But what about the ******, or the *******?
Everything they do still brings themselves a crooked, ***** smile.

America, so sick with sin, or do you still not see,
Our country has been littered with gross *******.

You fill the minds of all the kids with things they should not see,
Showing your approval to things that should not be.
You now begin to act like you for them know what is best.
Forcing rules in all the schools and claiming parents as the pest.

America, America, will there be hope for you one day?
Will there be a time at last when you hear the truth we say?

To you who are no longer sick, to whom the cure He gave,
Will you let this country fall into it's miry grave?
Will you not help to guide the shot, nor correct their aim?
Will you not choose to take a stand and with one voice proclaim:

“America! America! May God's grace to you be shown!
May you return His truth, into the land we call our home!”

America, so beautiful, you can someday become,
When the fight to stand for Truth, becomes a battle won.

7/12/13

She was a free spirit, held captive by the road.
He was a wandering soul, longing for a home.

She had sunlight for hair and the sky in her eyes,
His smile was a fire on a warm summer’s night

She was made of marble, beautiful and tough
He was chisled in the rock which made him strong and rough

They were two sides of the same silver coin
Two parallel lines destined never to join.

She was a free spirit, he was a wandering soul
Similarly different pieces, longing to be whole.

6/2/18

I will always love you until the day I die.
And this so often makes me cry,
That even with this love we can't stay together,
Still, that will never stop me from loving you forever

12/11/13

As I lay here trying to sleep,
Breathing in, I'm breathing deep
A gentle nod, a heavy eye,
A simple prayer for a quite night 

Rain drops patter on the window pane
Moonlight so soft as it starts to wane
A heavy eye, a gentle nod
A simple prayer to an awesome God

“Dear Lord, bring me comfort, give me peace;
With all that's going on, set my mind at ease
Fill my dreams with precious joys, I'm asking please

This is just a simple prayer, help me tonight,
Lift away the fog, drain me of all fright.
Let me gently nod, as my heavy eyes close tight.

Amen


10.19.15

Take a look and see,
At a house is where you be,
All around you there are trees
And the pollen makes you sneeze.

The grass is green and bright,
And from the sun comes a soft light.
A warm breeze blows, too gentle for a kite,
The fresh morning dew shines; such a beautiful sight.

There's a swing on the porch where two would sit together,
It seems the swing is one thing to out last forever.
Now it rocks back and forth from the breeze
Swaying in sync along with the trees.

Over the horizon shines the rising sun
Allowing shadows to dance on the porch, having fun.
The silence is deafening, leaving the squirrels dumb.
Not even the birds and the bees will hum.

I guess that's how the memory works
Slightly foggy with all of its quirks
Yet the silence in a memory is quite a perk
For it adds to the beauty so you can't help but smirk.

Use your eyes and see now a beach
So serene it feels quite out of reach.
The sand is so golden and so bright
You can't help but squint when it'***** by light.

So soft is the sand between our toes
The warm sunlight makes our faces glow.
Quietly the waves brush against the shore
It seems after every wave our hearts beat more

Here comes the ocean breeze blowing through your hair
—Your beauty is amazing— breathe in that salty air.
With your hand in mine we walk a straight line
Our footprints wash away if you just look behind.

As we watch the silent seagulls fly away,
So goes the same with the rest of the day.
So quiet, it seemed not a word had been spoken.
Yet we needed not speak with our minds so open.

I guess that's how the memory works
Slightly foggy with all of its quirks
Yet the silence in a memory is quite a perk
For it adds to the beauty so you can't help but smirk.

I am torn in two, divided yet whole.
Split in half, I hold both parts of my soul.
I thought I knew the answer— I don't know.
Don’t count on it— It’s decidedly so.

I should make the choice— we can never choose
Let’s flip a coin, heads they win, tails we loose.
—We lost— Let’s shake the ball for counsel
With out a doubt! —Or is it quite doubtful?

Yes or no, or maybe so, we will see.
Yes, I know, just let it go, we are free.
Are we wrong, or right, is it day or night, tell me.

Am I torn, divided, or split in two?
There’s a difference?— Oh if only I knew.
The voices in my head say they know what to do.

1/28/19

There's a monster in the basement
In the shadows of the stairs.
There's a monster in the basement
And I'm sure he's covered in hair.

I have never seen him
But he smells like ***** socks.
His breath is just as stinky
And his skin is hard as rocks.

There's a monster in my closet
Behind my toys and all my books.
There's a monster in my closet
Daddy, take a look.

“There’s nothing in your closet,
Take a look for yourself,
Just clothes hanging from a hanger
And some books upon a shelf.”

There’s a monster under my bed
In the darkness behind my shoes
There’s a monster under my bed
I can hear him as he moves.

“There’s nothing there, it’s getting late
Sweet dreams, sleep tight, good night.
You don’t need to be afraid,
I won’t turn out the lights.”

There's a monster here beside me
Turns out he's just scared too
Of thunderstorms and dark, dark rooms
And even me and you.

5/19/19

This is a letter from my future self
To the past and present Me’s
When you’re stuck in the spaces in between,
May this letter set you free.

It’s hard to think of what to say
To my past and present self.
What are the things you need to hear
That would be of use or help.

Surely, whatever I end up choosing
Will be hard upon your ears.
I must address some insecurities
And attack your greatest fears.

Don’t be afraid to take the fast lane,
Though I know you like moving slow,
You see, sometimes, moving quickly
Is the fastest way in which to grow.

I know you like to test the waters
Before gradually wading in,
But life is short, so take the leap
Don’t be so afraid to swim.

Remember life is always worth living
For there are people who truly care.
And when you’re not in that place
Let those who still are know you’re there.

Regardless of your wealth or status
We are each and everyone the same;
Deserving of grace, respect, and kindness
Whether or not you know their name.

Life is an adventure full of memories,
Like scars— just stories waiting to be told.
Just because you open up to someone
Doesn’t mean you’re shouting it to the world.

So take a chance once in awhile,
Go over, talk to her, smile.
Don’t overthink, ask what if, or why.
You’ll never find out unless you try.

Laugh when life gets crazy,
Love her patiently,
Live life in the moment,
Sincerely, “Future Me”.

1/16/19

It has been said to me, "An act must thus ensue,
So that no one can ever see it's the world against you.
Yet that battle can only be fought behind the stage,
While everyone else sees you smile into your old age."

But they only love the mask, they only know the act,
They couldn't care any less for simple truth or facts.
By the end, perhaps, I'll finally believe,
And truly, completely, the world deceive.

I don't know where I'm going,
I scarce remember where I've been.
Still, blindly I am rowing until I reach that bitter end.

I'll be on that river by myself, all alone,
The truth is still unknown, the act all that remains,
For by now I am the mask of a man without a name.

1/1/15
(Revised 4/18/15)

Thank you Lord, For darkness and light,
Thank you Lord, For giving me sight.

The sight to see, Your mercy and love,
And giving to me, a gift from above.

The gift was your Son sent to live perfectly
The only one, to pay the price for me.

The price it was death, hung from a tree
Taking God's wrath for sinners like me

Three days later you showed your satisfaction
By conquering death through His resurrection.

Thank you my God for letting me hear
Your word being taught for all of these years

Help me remember to never forget
Renew the ember, a fire once lit.

Keep me burning for you and help me to find
That living for you is worth all of my time.

To end not my will, but Your's here as in heaven, 
Because of your son, I am forgiven.

Amen

June, 2011

I promised to never leave yet I left
A promise I meant to keep but haven't kept.
So I sit here so many tears having wept.
For all my promises not kept.

I can no longer hold you, 
I was not there forever.
Unlike I had once told you, 
I doubt we'll be together.

I promised to make you my wife
To be there for you for all your life
Now I sit here and I weep
Over the promises I cannot keep.

1:45 a.m. 12/11/13

You found me without searching,
 Said you loved me with all your heart

Then ran and did desert me
Once you helped me fall apart

I'll never see your face again 
I'll never hear your voice.

For you thought it best we not be freinds
Claimed we didn't have a choice.

But the choice was there, the choice you made,
Leaving me in the pouring rain.

I sit facing my future alone and afraid;
Afraid that I'll never escape this pain.

I only ever, at all times, always
Wanted forever to make you smile.

If only ever at this time in all ways
To do what hasn't been done in a while.

That would be, being for once, happy
Which is hard for me, being without you.

But it seems you're doing fine without me
If the very thing I hear is true.

So much for no choice in the matter,
When you left me and chose another.

For even though you love the latter,
I can't choose right now to love any other.

4/8/14

Save a man from self-destruction
Fill him with ideals that never matter
Prevent him from thinking freely
And then watch his morals shatter.

The Sleeper sits among the shadows
Dark and dreary beneath the gallows
Go near him never still my dearest
Or else to slumber fall, I fearest.

Pray don't close thine eyes my dear,
Please, don't take to slumber
I know thine eyes are heavy
I know thy feelest weak
Pray, don't close thine eyes my dearest
Please, don't take to sleep.

Listen here my dearest, take to see and look
The Sleeper, he is waiting, there upon thy stoop.
Waiting, oh just waiting, for thou to givest in,
But dare ye not to let the Sleeper win.

Pray don't close thine eyes my dear,
Please, don't take to slumber
I know thine eyes are heavy
I know thy feelest weak
Pray, don't close thine eyes my dearest
Please, don't take to sleep.

He's at the door now, I hear the pounding;
The Sleeper's voice sickly resounding,
Calling out my name, my dear!
Calling me to sleep, I fear,
The dark so quietly surrounding.

Don't let me close mine eyes my dear!
Don't let me take to slumber.
Mine eyes are growing heavy,
My heart is growing weak...
Don't let me close mine eyes my dearest,
Pray, don't let me take to sleep.

9/6/14

The first day is the worst day
The hardest of them all
The day you have to stand up strong
When all you want to do is fall

If you pass the first day that's the worst day,
But there's still much more to come.
So push your stand into a walk,
And then your walk into a run

I may not know what words to speak
When meeting new people, I'm a little weak
But I'll still watch closely and listen well
To capture the story they're all dying to tell

Here is something to remember,
I will hold you through many cold Decembers.
Giving all I can to keep you warm.
Especially through the coldest storm.

Remember if all I saw was you
My eyes would never tire
And you can never say different
Unless you think I am a liar. 
 
See, never in my life did I know I'd go to prom
Much less with someone not my mom.
And then to find once you're past the start 
That prom is for the heart.

Remember proven facts aren't always true
Yet one fact I will always prove
Is just how much that I love you.
For that's one thing that will always be true

For when I was lost 
You came running to find me
No matter the cost
You came to unbind me.

If I had been a slave 
You'd have treated me as free
Had I been a beggar
You'd have seen me as a king.

Don't forget how the memory works.
Slightly foggy with all of its quirks
Remember a memory, one of our firsts,
It seemed so special, with its lack of words.

So soft was the sand between our toes
The warm sunlight made our faces glow.
Quietly the waves brushed against the shore
 It seemed after every wave our hearts would beat more.

And there one thing I had to ponder,
While our hearts would beat like thunder.
How the sight of you just left me breathless,
And that to not see you again would leave me so restless.

Yes, how could a girl so beautiful as you
Fall in love with one like me.
You promise you will never leave
And for that I am amazed.

Yes, something to remember
I hold the most precious gem
By far its truly one of a kind,
One of which all men hope to find.

Yet the Father has blessed me
A terribly wretched sinner
To give me the best girl
Who cooks me the best dinners.

Remember, I say again and again
I have fallen in love with my best friend.
Never in my life did I look forward to forever.
Until now, since I know we'll be together.

And that's just a little something to remember.

11/3/12 1:25 am

Home is hanging with a few close friends
It's always spending time with family if not now and then
It's laughter, and hugging, and yes even tears
It's someone beside you as you're facing your fears
It's "good morning" and "what's for dinner?"
"I'll see you later", and "is there anything good to eat?"
It's not about where you lay your head to sleep.

Home is about the memories and the moments you hold dear
Talking about your long day with mom and dad
Or having a shoulder to cry on when your sad.
It's movie nights and nerf gun fights even when your "too old".
It's snow forts in the winter and couch forts when it rains.
It's being surrounded with love when your world seems full of pain.

Home is Christmas cookies, ice cream, and making apple cake,
And spending time with Grandma, learning how to bake.
It's a bro's night out at the movies, or breakfast in bed on Mother's Day
And it's dancing to the music in that particularly peculiar way.
It's beanie babies, teddy bears, and memories so sweet,
Basketball, and baseball gloves, and sometimes muddy cleats.

It's sewing fingers, broken fingers, and shutting them in doors,
Broken toes, and scooter falls, and hospital trips galore.
It's talking all night with your brothers, and driving together to school
And making fun of brace face whenever he would drool.
Home is not a building not confined to just one place
It's more a state of mind, a memory encased.

Family are the friends you're born with and friends the family you choose
Home is being with either for in neither case you'll lose.
They say home is where the heart is, so I've split my heart in three
One for family, one for friends, and one to keep with me
For life is full of travels, sights I have yet to see
Yet no matter where I'm headed, home is where I'll be.

1/13/17 1:00 am

One day, my dear, we will fall in love again.
Someday, my love, we will soon be friends.
And I'll wait and I'll wait, until that day
When one day becomes today, that's what I pray.
For when someday becomes today, I'll be ready,
On the day I wrap my arms around you just to keep me steady.
Someday, my dear, just you wait and see.
One day, your love again I'll be.
You will promise with me to stay
And I'll be so much happier, one day.

12/6/13 12:59 a.m.

I looked for a friend
Who'd know me and trust me,
I looked for a friend
Who always would love me.

One who would see
The worst and the best
And still would love me
When I was a pest.

I looked for a friend
I never thought I'd find,
One who would be there
No matter the time.

One who would care
To know me, to trust me.
With whom I'd share
My worries, my fears.

I often would pray
For one just like this
Who, when away,
I would quite miss.

I searched night and day
And still couldn't find
One who is fair
And loving and kind.

Now, Praise the Lord!
For that day has come,
I found a friend,
With whom I have fun.

How blind could I be
To be looking around,
When in front of me
Is where she was found.

One who knows
My quirks and my riddles,
And sets me aglow
By her laughs and her giggles.

One to whom I
Will always listen,
When sharing her troubles
With tear drops that glisten.

This is my friend
Who shows me she loves me,
By being my friend
Who knows me and trusts me.

This is my friend
Who always will care,
Which just goes to show you
how God answers prayer.

Lying awake, I stare at the ceiling,
Wondering if I'll ever regain any feeling.
Trying to lay still, I still feel like I'm falling,
Listening to the cries of my memories calling,
Flooding my thoughts, causing me pain,
Binding my mind with these freezing cold chains.
Now I must wait till those thoughts are all gone,
But by the time that does happen, it's already dawn.

"Why do I write?" asked The Poet to his pen,
"For justice? For peace? For the chance to get some sleep?
Did I think I'd be heard if I just wrote down my words?
Was it my belief that I did it for the fame or the glory
Or to just get some relief from the misery in my life's story?
"Why do I write?" asked The Poet once again.

"That is the question," said the pen in reply.
"After everything's done we must ask why.
That is the question to last through the ages
The question to fill all the books and their pages,
Written by the teachers and their sages
All seeking to answer the question why.

"Why do we do what we do when we do it,
If to wake up down the road and conclude that we blew it?"

4/22/15

Among the shadows,
in the dark of night,
Something is lurking, 
It doesn't feel right.

You can't hear me,
But you know I am there.
You can't see me,
Yet you feel my stare.

I sit and I spy
As you do your bad deed
With my watchful eye,
I see you fulfilling your greed.

Beware! Beware!
For out I will come.
Beware! Beware!
There's nowhere to run.

For I will be on you
In the dark of night
And they'll see what you've done
Clear as black and white.

You will tell us your lies,
The Truth will come out.
And the whole world will know,
What you're really about.

For among the shadows
Is a place you should fear.
When I come, you will scream
But no one will hear.

3/26/14

It has been so long since we last met
That whenever we finally do

My greatest fear is having to ask
What has become of you?

4/22/16

How might it be,
If it were me,
If it were you,
If it were someone you knew?

Would it change how you view
The world all around you?
Would it change what you saw?
Would it fill you with awe?

Would you show more respect
For the oft disrespected?
And come to expect
What is most least expected?

If it were your baby who died,
Your son who had lied,
If your brother had tried,
And your mother who cried.

What if you lost what you earned
If it were your life they'd burned
What if you worked there so low,
If it were someone you know.

How might it be?
If it were you, if it were me
Would you've behaved any differently?

2/25/17 1:45a

I can't take this any more
I'm so battered and so worn
I've lost my way and my mind
I'm just so awfully torn.

I need my friend back,
I need my home, 
I'm so sick and tired
 of feeling all alone. 

I can't get my mind off her 
I can't ever let her go,
If only I could tell her,
 If only she could know. 

But would that even make a difference,
would it really bring the change? 
Or am I just losing my mind 
becoming totally deranged?

 I told her I loved her, 
I swore it was true
 but she doesn't feel the same, 
If I could only get a clue.

 But I can't move on, 
I can't ever let her go. 
If only I could tell her, 
If only she could know. 

I just need to find a friend, 
I need someone to hold. 
Someone who can keep me warm 
While the world outside is cold. 

I'm not sure where I'm going, 
I barely know where I've been. 
Still I just want to go back 
If only to feel alive again.

I want to find a new friend
But I'll have to let her go
If only I could tell her
If only she could know

But I can't move on
I can't ever let her go
If only I could tell her 
If only she could know.

7/27/14

I am torn in two, divided yet whole.
Split in half, I hold both parts of my soul.
I thought I knew the answer— I don't know,
Do I dive in head first or take things slow?

We should try being friends first— her smile.
She laughs— a half of me sees an aisle
I’m too quick to jump— no, too slow to move
I’m too sick —Make a choice!— Will I ever choose.

Yes or no, or, yes and know? We’ll see,
Or maybe we never will, please, tell me.
Someone, anyone, will I be set free?

Am I divided, split, or torn in two?
Is there a difference? I wish I knew.
Oh, for crying out loud,what do I do?

1/17/19

Tomorrow shall I go to Paris for I'm searching to find
Those who witnessed a man killed for looking behind,
He who did something to Nobody while Everyone lied
And rushed him and beat him with sticks till he died.

I'll leave tomorrow, for today the sun beams are beaming
And tomorrow is a dream I didn't know that I'd be dreaming,
Where empty streets run red with blood and thunder
Leaving me alone with time to wonder:

If yesterday was Wednesday what will its tomorrow be?
Where are the witnesses who witnessed thee
Wandering alone in thine own misery?

Where went the rain on the road where you cried?
And what of Solitude who watched as you died?
You did something to Nobody but Everyone lied...
Why?

There are always warning signs,
If you could only see one.
If you do see it in time
Don’t ignore it, just run.
Forgetting what lies behind
You might just get out before it comes.

Lights on   Lights off. Then
Lights on   Lights off, again.

First dark  Then light.  I
Can see.   No sight.  Now
It's loud,   then not.   I
Think I   forgot   how
To be    or not. I'm 
Afraid   I might show
That I   really know
Nothing at all.

First life   then death.  You
Breath in,   no breath. First
To see.   No sight. Too
Afraid   To fight. Worse, 
You're here   At night. Too
Alone   To find rest. 
Still I   Try my best,
With luck I'll fall.

Lights off.   Lights on.
You're here   and then gone.

I want to be content with where I am
To be sure I've done all that I can
Yet I want to find hope that tomorrow 
won't be filled with as much sorrow 
That all that has brought me pain
Will soon bring forth some gain
That the sun will shine on brighter days 
And I will one day be home to stay.
I love her, I love her dearly 
Someday, one day she'll see it clearly.

1/1/14

I can see it now, I can see just how,
'Twas never meant to be, never you and me.
We never argued, we just couldn't fight.
I was never wrong, you were always right.
You wanted everything to stay the same,
I was so afraid thinking about change.
I would always stay, you would never leave
Then that day— you started to disbelieve.
I could do no right, and all you did was wrong
We didn't fight, but we couldn't get along
I held true, and wanted you to hold me,
I thought you knew, but you didn't know me.

I can see it now, you don't feel this pain.
I just can't see how, I'll ever say the same.

12/7/16

I’m drowning in two feet of water.
I’d be safe if only I could stand,
But my arms and legs are too tired.
This is not what I had planned.

My eyes are closed shut, blind from the salt.
The tide is rising, waves are crashing over me.
They beat me down and pull me in;
The sounds of silence call me to the sea.

Deeper they draw me, further I fall
Caught in the current, far from the shore.
My cries, like myself, are drowned by the sea,
I’m splashing, thrashing until I can do so no more.

Submerged below the cool surface
I’m weightless... I’m free...
I wait... floating there, fearless,
For the sweet darkness to wash over me...

But then a flitter of thought flashes forthwith,
An image —the spark of hope set within—
The future —a beauty with eyes like the sea—
I can’t let this end before it even begins.

My burning lungs remind me I’m still living
When all this time I thought I was dying.
My muscles ache, death but a breath away
I’ve no energy to fight and yet I start trying.

I muster what little strength that I can
And reach ‘til my hands and feet find the sand.
I open my eyes and push with all my might
To come face to face with the most magnificent sight.

Your eyes were gentle, deep as the sea,
You were the spark that set me free.
“Don’t be afraid,” you said, smile gleaming,
“Those were shadows of ghosts, of which you were dreaming.”

1/3/19

IV. FAITH

Trust, trust, trust. Trust in His word
Fear and Doubt are being absurd.

Only in God should your hope be found
Let Christ be your solid ground.

There’s no need to be in such a hurry
Trust fully in God, and do not worry

He will bring to pass what is to be.
All in His good time, you will see.

Offer Him your fear and doubt in prayer
And don’t you forget He is always there.

I am Faith, feel me in your soul
Trust in God, He will make you whole.

2/3/19

I am not now, nor will I ever be
Defined by misconceptions others have of me.
But rather by my actions to those that bring no gain,
How much more so to those that caused me pain.

I am not now, nor have I ever been
Defined simply by the number of those I call my friends.
For an excess of friends can be like fame, vain and quickly fleeting
Rather I have found only a few close friends is what I'm needing.

My convictions are no restriction, at least not that I have found.
For the best way to learn is debating with one who disagrees.
It may take some time, but the truth does truly set free.

Definition like inhibitions, only weigh us down,
Clouding our careless conceptions, not allowing us to see:
We are what we do, attempting all we can surely be.

12/15/15

Pay no attention to him behind the curtain
Who is only ever sure that he is never certain.
He does his best to stay behind the curtain
Because that's where he is sure that no one else can hurt him.

8/22/14

I. HOPE
Love, love, love. Love at first sight
Look at her smile, how it shines so bright.

Listen to her laugh, music to our ears.
She is the strength you need to face your fears.

All these years you thought you’d be alone
She is the proof that you can finally be known.

Proof, proof, proof. Living proof at last
You can overcome the living shadows of the past.

Do you feel the spark— the fire— deep with in your heart?
She’ll put back the pieces from when you fell apart.

Can’t you feel the connection within your very soul?
She can save you from falling back into that hole.

Get up, go over, talk to her, show her you care
She can’t get to know you if she doesn’t know you’re there.

Hear me, I am Hope, I simply speak with grace
If we take a chance we can find our happy place.

2/2/19

III. DOUBT
Wait, wait, wait. Why such a rush?
How do you know this is more than a crush?
What if you see what you wish to be
Rather than what really is?
That smile, a blush— you wish to see
So you do, even though it’s not there.

Maybe it’s just your imagination
A lonely heart’s sad creation
Are you sure she feels the same as you?
Or are you quickly jumping
To a conclusion that simply isn’t true.
Shouldn’t we wait until we’re certain?

Listen close, just hear me out.
We don't even know her, for I am Doubt.

2/3/19

II. FEAR
Lies! Lies! Lies! All of it, lies!
Everything you feel burning up inside.

She can never love you. She will never want you.
She doesn’t even like you. She will forever haunt you.

She thinks you’re gross— A stalker, a creep.
She’s afraid of you— You’re a monster, a freak.

You are different, strange, a little mentally deranged.
You are broken, used, something she would never choose.

Don’t listen to Hope, ignore your heart and soul
She is not a savior, she will not make you whole.

Sure, she’ll put together the shattered pieces of your heart
Only to sit back, laugh, and watch you fall apart.

You are wrong now just like you were wrong then.
Let Doubt be a warning, don’t make this mistake again.

The darkness is consuming. We will keep assuming,
You will never draw her near. Embrace me, I am Fear.

1/31/19