I can’t finish a thought
but my thoughts will be the end of me..

day after day
time passing through,

thought after thought
they're all about you.

Mr. permanent resident
inside my head

I built you a castle,
made you a bed
and each night
I watch you
laying your head
on or memories and you cover yourself
with my love

walking down the road
steps on crunchy leaves

looking up and down
humming to myself

feel the chilly breeze
smell the autumn air

taking it all in
each step, each leaf, each day
before you realise

another seasons passed,
and it’s already May

I’m feeling heavier than iron
my chest, my arms, my legs
feel numb
it feels impossible to breathe
like i am deep under the water

and i could hear my body sinking
the lungs,
now slowly filling up with liquid

no hope.

just death in sight

my tongue is stuck,
my hands are tight,
i feel the weight
of my mistakes

i  just so desperately want
to get some air and breathe again

but not this time,
my demon says

as I am drowning
once again

awareness or
the lack thereof
there is a self,
regardless of
the stupid things
you wish to be
and all those masks you hide behind

a sens of self
is all there is
it’s not a gift
that you receive
it’s that,
the only thing there
is

that’s all you got
that’s all you are
enjoy and swim in it
till dawn

it’s more than life,
it’s cheating death
it simply is,

the sense of self.

staring at myself
and for the first time in
years
i see her
light, the joy, the spark
she’s back
ready to embrace it all again

my empty couch
just stares at me
wondering why I won’t sit down
since you left

Half of me
has given up
and the other half
hasn’t even started yet
it’s always been like this
myself vs. myself

the battle of two stubborn selves

they take turn
in winning fights
I’m so confused and tired
to root for both
each time

It’s a twisted game.

I play myself.

if I were you
and you were me
together maybe we could be
the people that we dreamt to be
I’d feel your feet inside my shoes
you’d feel my pain inside your head
we’d see the world
through our eyes
we’d feel the wind
on our skin

if I were you
and you were me
we’d understand each other’s world
for free

today i fell off
of you
of our love
i hurt my knees and my heart
i hurt my hope
today i realised I only have myself to
count on
to love
to care for
today i started investing in myself

all the flowers bloom in spring
all the flowers bend with the wind

there’s so much beauty in those fragile things
they are living proof that being sensitive can be
all you need to feel the wholeness of your being

I buy myself flowers
and put them in a vase
I keep them close to me
as a reminder
of how soft
I can be

the words
I never had a chance to say
are eating me alive
from inside out

the fog
the heaviness
when brains refuse to work

are all the brains this stubborn?
or is it just mine that won’t work?

as the clouds cover the moon
so do our memories
to my heart

where there used to be light,
not much can come through
since our love died,
you kept it with you.
all i have left
it isn’t enough
to get me to shine
the light inside

i’m slowly fading
just waiting to die

today I drank my coffee alone
they sky was grey
it was neither hot nor cold
the cafe was noisy
and my latte was strong

today I briefly felt alive
a stranger talked to me
he was Hungarian,
but nice
we had a laugh
and I looked over his CV

today I was in town
and the barista smiled at me

my hair was messy
my brain was foggy
but we had a good time
I, my coffee and me.

the smoke from my cigarette
stains
I have this smoke
all through my veins
it runs freely whenever it wants

the smoke from my cigarette stains.

the inhale is deep
and the smoke remains.
my lungs are intoxicated
and full of stains.

smoking hot
or smoking cold

I don’t care for seasons
my cigarettes taste good all year round

powerless scream
and big old trees
invaded my home

you live in my soul.

the rent that you pay,
it isn’t enough
for the mess that you make,
you damage and break

the trees stop and stare,
my home is a mess,
because you live there.

I’m floating through space and time
one moment
I’m here.
the next,
I’m gone

fighting the voice in my head
but it’s like it has training
and I’m not prepared,
to battle and fight,
I’m out here thinking,
we’re not the same height .

loud noises,
my thoughts.
I try to control them,
to break out their knots

I want to be free,
to break out my head
I’m done quitting and running
so imma fight it instead

face my fears and
face my courage
listen to my body when it’s sending a message..

hello! are you there ???

I’m doing my best,

not that you’d care .