You don’t want to die.
No.
You want happiness.

You want to wake up in the morning feeling alive with each breath that comes easily and weightless; You just want stop feeling like this is a nightmare you can’t wake up from.

The possibility of happiness manipulates you into thinking you can have it then, inconveniently at the most in opportune time reminds you that happiness is just not something you can have no matter how deep the yearning you have to submerge yourself in it; happiness is there, all around yet just out of reach so that you can see but never manage to have it.

You’re hopeless, alone in a cold darkness that suffocates you, leaving you breathless and isolated from others by past wounds that wont heal.

At times you’re overwhelmed, like a deer in headlights you can’t move; feeling paralyzed not knowing what to do, say, think, should you sit? Waiting until you “unfreeze”
you’re frozen in an attempt to pullaway from an invisible hand that has a tight grasp of your upper arm. Eventually it releases its hold allowing you to move once more leaving you to now wondering, lost on what to do .

Sometimes you’re trying to find reason to live, more reasons than your kids. If it weren’t for the kids you wouldn’t be here. You have tried so many times. But are left to fight for yourself. You’re all you can depend on in the end. Whenever that will be.

I’ll say your name and wait for your voice but the answers I get are silence and grief.
Without you my heart will freeze to crystals of the deepest blue;
for you painfully won this game of hide and seek.
I’ve called the last and final, “where are you?”
There will be no more now that you’ve gone somewhere I cannot reach.
I will wait till the day that you and I once again meet. I’m sorry my fur baby. I’ll get through hopefully, if not barely.

I knew a girl who was happy. She talked to anyone, Always wanting to help.

I knew a girl who’s smile was broken but always gave advice so that people could smile.

I knew a girl who was ***** at a young age but it Didn’t stop there. She felt like she had a target painted on her back she couldn’t go anywhere.

I knew a girl who was constantly told she wasn’t good enough. Everything she did was wrong. Her words, her expression, her brain wasn’t right.

I knew a girl with such hate for the world she imagined her room ******* broken in half. Bed frame in pieces, her window is smashed, broken pictures on the floor; blankets covered in glass.

I knew a girl.. who was also a daughter, She was happy, made people smile, but was too broken inside.

I knew a girl.. she’s no longer alive.

I'm not good enough I know this.
I mess up every chance i accidentally get.
  I hurt my body but get in trouble from others.
   I barely see my son
    I cant keep people in my life.
     I want to reset my life.

Something   happened     to       me
that I don’t remember but
my
body
does

My mind is always playing games but it gets to the point where I don’t know if it’s serious or not.

Am I happy? I just laughed at something but I don’t feel happy. Am I sad? I just thought about suicide again..****. Why do I never wear the same clothes again? Why do I cut my hair so casually as if everyone gets up randomly and shaves their head.. why must I be so care free and then guarded once I have friends? Where did they go? **** I pushed them away again.. but if I try and explain what happened I’ll hate myself because I am a burden..

How can I possibly raise a baby of my own when I can barely raise myself?

You ask me if I want you out of my life, if you should go
My only response is a stifled sob
At this moment all I can do is cry.
My head is at it again telling me what to do which is not much really.
I am a prisoner inside of this body and when I am like this I hand all controls over like an obidiant child.
I learnt long ago not to fight or argue because that only hurts people
and by people I mean my thoughts and when I say thoughts I mean me.  When I am like this I sit and I wait there’s nothing I can do nothing anyone can do except wait.

A boy, a smile, a thought.

Your sweet words electrocute my walls that hide how weird I am. Leaving me babbling and embarrassing myself.

A text, a joke, a laugh

Your humour and smart-assy retorts I’ll ask what your doing right now and you will explain in detail how you are sitting and whether or not it’s comfy.

Eye contact, funny face, shaking head

Oh sweet boy you don’t yet understand the game. I stick my tongue out at you and you are supposed to copy. But instead you smile and laugh and look away.

Getting high with me is always a game of chance.

Will I be happy? Laugh and dance around with out a care in the world? Be fun to hang around and talk to maybe?

Will I be worried? Start thinking of all the things I’ve said and done wrong years ago.
Start to think that you only do things because you have to not because you want to.


Maybe, I will be sad and hate myself and apologize to whom ever is around me at the time and then apologize even more for apologizing in the first place.

Will I get angry and start crying and yelling at you for no reason and then flat out ask why you are yelling at me?

Maybe.. possibly.. I do not know. It’s always a game of chance.

What if we aren’t depressed;
What if we’re just the only ones who see the world as It is:
Broken, heartbreaking, beautiful, blind and deaf.
Maybe we aren’t the broken. Maybe they are just misguided

When I'm alone I shake, I push people away and I hide from the world because I'm afraid I'm going to brake.

When I'm alone I think. I think so much that when I try to remember what I was originally thinking about I can't.

When I'm alone I don't let anyone talk to me. Then I hate myself for being such a burden to them. Why am I like this? Talk to me.

When I'm alone I can't take a shower. Because that involves moving. Doing something I don't want to do.

When I'm alone for too long I shut down. I turn off my iPod so you can't talk to me. I turn off my tv. I turn off my lights as if that will turn off my brain and I lay there. Not moving. Not thinking. No emotion just.... Laying in the pitch black, a corpse that breathes.

When I'm alone it's like going through withdrawal. Doctor says therapy but I say I like being happy. It's worth the pain.

When I'm with you I forget about this. I'm happy, I'm laughing and talking. I am addicted to you. You are my drug.

Don’t fall in love with me.
There are days when I get sad without a reason and I just stare at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face.

Don’t fall in love with me.
On those days, I don’t talk to anyone. I just bury myself in my bed and think about how I became this mess of sadness.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I will become attached to you and I will cry myself to sleep if you don’t text me good night before you go to sleep and I will convince myself that it’s because you got tired of me.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m too much. I will depend on you. I need attention, much more than other people. I’ll talk to you in metaphors and make you one. I’ll write poems about you and opening up my skin at 2 A.M.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I couldn’t stand you coming home to find me on the bathroom floor shaking and crying, with blood spilling from my wrists. I couldn’t stand seeing the disappointment in your eyes.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I will pour everything I’ve left of me into you, every bit of love, until I have nothing to give. Until I become completely empty.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m scared that my sadness is contagious.

Don’t fall in love with me.
I will replay your sweet words in my head when I hate myself so much that I want to die. Your words will be the only thing that make me stay.

Don’t fall in love with me.
You will live in fear. You won’t be able to leave me, because you’d know if you did, I wouldn’t have anything to live for.

Don’t fall in love with me.
Before I met you, there wasn’t a single person who could’ve made me stay. You’re my reason now.

Don’t fall in love with me.
Because I will fall in love with you.
By: Unknown writer

Not everyone is meant to
                  live,
But not everyone is meant to
                             die.

It starts with the thought:
I    want     to     cry.
It's stupid. Let's not do this, not today. Not over some stupid guy.
(He's no where close to being stupid)
A hot tear slides down your cheek, There is no turning back.
Your breathing changes, your chest starts to hurt.
Your lying in bed comforted by the surrounding pitch black
I can not move I don't know why
Crying and shaking uncontrollably
I am paralyzed.
You don't want to move, you don't want to think, you don't know what you want but your on the brink.
It's getting dangerous you have to calm down. Your thoughts are unrealistic, your heart is lying.
Now all you can picture is your death scene and what it would be like to be finally dying.

These three useless words
bang against my teeth,
guarded by my lips they want to be released;

I once swallowed my thoughts to keep them inside,
But it seems my naïve heart has kept them alive.

I'm scared they might escape with every passing smile. I need you and want you to be mine.

Reading through the poems
They all seem awfully sad
Everyone sounds so blue
Why does life seem so bad?

My beautiful people, take a step back.
Breathe in, clear your thoughts,
Now focus and get back on track

Stop building up walls
And start building some doors.
Life is to short to stall,
stop accepting what your given and start asking for more.

A single tear slides down your cheek.
Every morning at 3am the girl decides it's time to rid herself of her pain.
Your stomach is tightening. She would take a shower or rather sit down in the water and cry for an hour. Your throat is closing
Cry for the heartbreak, the hope and chances she gives because in the end no matter how many times she avoids the word she's always going to be just a FRIEND. Your light headed and shivering,
the water is cold. Your numb not just from the water, oh dear; your emotions went down the drain with your tears. You turn the water off. Sit in your towel before climbing into bed and falling asleep with nothing inside your usually chaotic head.

Tonight was the night you said
The words I've repeated in my head
Tonight my heart dropped
Exploded like a balloon popped
No fixing this injury
Why the hell didn't you listen to me!
I told you to stop, that the words really hurt
You said everything forgetting that I still love you to the moon back to earth.
I couldn't keep it in, at 2:13
Blood rolled down my arm,
Looking like a **** ****** scene

We should be together, we shouldn't be acting like this. I blame it on the New Year's Eve kiss.
We were supposed to hang out today, but you went away when I mentioned the New Year's Eve kiss.
We are not dating, this I know, but we aren't just friends either, don't you know? Your making a huge huff about this its just a New Year's Eve kiss.
You're at your house and I'm at mine trying to keep myself from crying. I want this New Year's Eve kiss.

"IM A *****"
I catch myself saying more often than not.
But oh no,
no no no I am not actually one.
My dear friend,
this facade, if you will, is protecting me from getting hurt by people and expectations, from allowing people to see who I actually am.

Hot tears and bad thoughts
Dark room and bright clocks
Soaked pillow and stuffy nose
Pitch black through the window
Can't breathe, I'm alone.
Please! This doesn't feel like home!
Sad suicidal scenarios in my head
Wish they were my life instead

I've been stairing at my ceiling above my bed,
My thoughts are swarming in my head,
These demons for some untold reasons seem to always want me dead,
Please let me sleep instead!!

Sleep. Sleep away your pain. It's
all you can do.