You're my September sun
I see you're there
You show up every day
but still I'm cold
Shivering in your light
the universe is a hall of mirrors
reflecting my anxieties
refracting my good intentions
indifferent to it all
tumbling around in the density
over and over again
trying to see it through
but only seeing through you
be gentle when you're chipping away
i want to hold it together
daughters of pageant queens
like them you
i come from a broken gallery
on display for
I was cold
sitting by a broken radiator
cursing it for leaving me warmless.
looking up at the popcorn on the ceiling.
watching it dance, groove, and jive.
wondering if I'm imagining this too
and what it even means to be
the waves of goosebumps come and go
and I'm a little cold
from the AC I keep too low
so that I can hide under a blanket.
Slithering subtlety, the serpent saw a shard shaped slightly like his self.
He gazed into the glass, seeing a reflection.
"What beautiful feathers I have!", he said covered in scales. "What beautiful colors--- and wow! Look at my wings!"
He mused to himself, (it's no wonder I soared so much higher than the others...They had no wings! No illustrious feathers! They only have scales, that's why they're different than me! They not like myself, or other birds that I see).
He slithered sedated and satisfied with a sullen, sad and insecure of sense self under surface.
Along the way he spotted a Gold Parakeet, he compared himself and said this through his teeth: "Your scales are ugly, and cracked, and dull. You slither with your wings from trees very tall. Why can't you fly, and be bright like me? You're unable, and there's something wrong with you, all the other birds agree."
The parakeet parried the poisonous paragraph perfectly:
"When you see me, you see what you want. You attack what I am because I have what you flaunt. But I soar high, while your words sink low. One day you'll be measured by the scales you show."
The parakeet pondered puzzled at the python's reply:
"I see only the reflection of the glass I passed by."
Blackened eyes reflect the venom
That burned beneath your veins.
Acrid breaths, defend the lies
Of a life you soiled and stained
Conceited smile to manipulate a fool,
To bend and shatter the goodness.
Masquerading as Hope,
Disguised as love
Defiled the light to sadness
Left stumbling for air
Left needing a heart
Left broken, left consumed, left abandoned
Conformed to the night,
Darkness consumes, lost sight
Of my life
Of my dreams
Broken, forgotten, stranded
But fire can’t forget
the disgusting torment
The subjugation,the humiliation, the laughter
It’ll burn through the pain, igniting the shame
Fuelled by frustration, by hate and by anger
And you’ll ******* burn
I remember our first conversation. We talked with about mermaids. You made a joke about sea foam, I was intrigued.
I remember you asking me out the first time. And I remember telling you I didn't think you were ready.
You lashed out. I was freaked out.
I remember you leaving without any warning. You decided you needed a change, dropped out of all your classes and hit the road. For 6 months you sent me pictures of campsites. Pictures of elk and bear you'd shared sunsets with. Pictures of you next to cliffs you'd scaled. Via texts you recouned a story of how you'd climbed a mountain just to find reception to call your ex. I remember wondering why you would tell me that? I felt slightly jealous. It turned me off. I remember you complaining to me that she was a "feminist" I said "Good for her." I remember sending you Gloria Steinem quotes with every campsite picture you offered. On your way back to California, you asked to see me again.
I remember our first date, and how you asked if you could kiss me. I offered you my cheek, and later that night I couldn't stop thinking of your lips. You texted me that you wanted more. I remember touching myself as I fell asleep.
I remember you telling me you would die for me. Laughing I told you, "That's so dramatic." You smiled confidently and told me you loved me. I said it back. We were watching 28 Days Later. I remember thinking we were so lucky.
I remember building a bed out of blankets and pillows on our empty apartment floor. I remember countless trips to the hardware store, we were determined to build our own furniture. I remember planting a garden, and proudly harvesting the garden. I remember frequent candle lit dinners. I remember your hands traveling up my skirt as I poured you more wine. I remember I wasn't wearing underwear. I remember us spilling the wine.
I remember telling you that you were my bestfriend. I remember pretending to be okay when you told me you already had a bestfriend and a soulmate but that I could be your wife.
I remember the first time you hurt me. You regretted it immediately. Held my face in your hands I remember you kissed my cheek, again. I still trusted you.
I remember the first time I hurt you. My off-white satin dress reflecting the moon. My animosity verbal daggers, I was so ****** I forgot to be ashamed. Sometimes I still forget.
I remember you telling me that I will never be your priority. I remember transfering money into your bank account. Weekly. I remember working 12 hours and coming home to give you head. I remember falling asleep on your chest as you massaged my neck. I remember thinking that was love.
I remember finding women's underwear in our laundry. An earring in our bedroom, and butterly hair clips in your car. I remember not believing you when you told me they were your sisters. I remember letting it go.
I remember that time you threw me against the dresser. I remember you telling me it was my fault. I remember letting it go.
I remember with you I had found a sister and a mother. I remember realizing these women I loved were victims of abuse. I remember realizing I was a victum of abuse. I remember being disgusted with myself. I still wanted you.
I remember almost getting murded. And how much I struggled to feel alive after. I remember asking you for help. You told me it's not your responsibility.
I remember the anguish. I remember thinking about suicide. I remember telling you I didn't know how to survive. I remember you telling me I was weak.
I remember you hovering over me. Intimidating me. I remember telling you to step back. I stood on my tippy toes to look big too. And when you didn't back down, I chest bumped you. I remember you weren't sure if you should laugh or fight. I remember you telling me you didn't love me anymore and you hadn't for some time. The next morning I woke you up with my mouth on you.
I remember you leaving me. I stood in the doorway and promised myself I would not beg. I let you walk away. An hour later you returned, but not for me. You took your gun and video games and again I stood at the door. This time I begged you to stay. I remember you walking away. I remember our dreams. I remember understanding that I was ******* done.
I remember packing under a THC haze. I remember leaving my lingerie for you to find in our closet. In your closet. The black one with the garter belt on display. I remember Bodie having diarrhea on the carpet. I left it there. I also left you with enough money for two months rent. I remember you texting me telling me I owed you more.
I remember the day I ran out of clean underwear. I was late for work and so I wore your sisters, or were they your ******? They fit comfortably. I felt sick. I ***** called my neighbor when I got off work. I remember opening wine at 3am and doing everything to him that you used to ask me to do to you.
I remember you reaching out to me over some ******* excuse. I told you that you had already lost me but that wasn't yet true. I just had absolutely no faith left in you.
I remember that none of it was ever worth having you.
Everybody acts like they do no harm
At the sight of the truth,
We say no that's not mine that's yours
What a showmanship
Gaslighting 101 should be a gen-ed course
Professor preach to me, watch out for the ones you care for
They will burn you alive
They will laugh while you turn into ashes and tears
All in the name of love,
I'll sin like a saint and bless like a sinner
Funny seeing you be upset with me
For not carrying your weight anymore
It was never mine to carry, and I don't mind you being upset
Because you never stopped to think,
oh, she's crushing under the weight,
I should carry my share
I'm not here for your convenience
I'm here to die we all are
All my best friends are losing their innocence
And I miss our innocence
Very much, very much so
All in the name of love,
I'll sin like a saint and bless like a sinner
Quiet in my velvet dreams
gleaming with beauty queens
under crystal clear chandeliers
Awake. Never quite getting the reckoning.
Instead you're beckoning
me to your charade of promise
but I'm stuck in the forest
where you're my Charon
following me to the limestone,
dragging me back to the gates
and I know you mean well, but it doesn't resonate.
I've abandoned all hope and entered
Feeling like I've surrendered
What is it I will remember
when we get to November?
Biting my arm
in moments of harm
braiding my hair
with you just being unaware?
It all seems silly
like a grand facade really
where I can't see why anyone
can buy into becoming a chameleon.
Why take it so serious
when it just feels delirious?
What is it we're racing to
at the end, it's the same view.
Who is it for?
I really must make sure.
Waiting for my Virgil
To guide me through the hurdles.
He's no where to be seen
as I choke on my amphetamines.
There it lays,
my tear soaked
In clouds unseen
where they visit me
every night since thirteen
What am I to do
with no avenue to pursue
when they deny my inhibitions
and tell them they're forgiven?
I see what I can't change and
I can't change what I see
I want to want their vision
of tender, loving, harmony
but it feels like swallowing poison
treating my actions remorsefully.
I take each day
one at a time
unyielding to divulge
what comes to me as I lay
on my tear soaked pillow case.