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May 2015 · 451
30 pounds
matt May 2015
thirty ******* pounds of pressure in my chest. anxiety, i fell under the spell of that demon when i looked in to his eyes we both knew we were destined he and I. anxiety is the ******* that turns a good thing rotten. anxiety will put you in shackles and taunt you with the key. when you think all will go well anxiety pulls the key back just out of reach. anxiety ***** your strength out one day at a time. you always growing weaker, and he just gets stronger. you can’t **** anxiety with a silver bullet, a stake to the heart, or a vial of holy water. much like the path to nirvana you must find your own path to ridding yourself of him. some fail, some succeed. some people seem to fall in love with self torture he doesn’t even have to lift a finger.
Jan 2015 · 504
the downfall of man
matt Jan 2015
stress the gaping hole in the chest broken ribs and torn flesh. anxiety’s got a gun to your head  a single pull of the trigger and you’ll be dead. fear is words never said steps never taken only standing there shaking. empty, void of the want to do become or even move. hopeless, convinced there isn’t a way. depression, thoughts and dark images escape and you can run but they can hunt they will find you, hurt you.

happiness the feeling of forgetting are downfall
remembering that
the only thing
to fear
is fear
Dec 2014 · 726
Love Poem
matt Dec 2014
Lucid movement from melting dreams made into reality by your eyes. Fluid love flows with varying forces of gentle streams or rushing tides, crashing and destroying any who oppose the feeling. Two beings connect and intertwine like vines wrapping around a tree. A sense of peace and comfort as soft spoken words are whispered into the ears of the needy. A passion filled embrace making hearts race but stress and anxiety fade into the night. Your sweet voice soothes the most destructive beast when the right combination of words are put together, like finding the key to a treasure chest, unlocking the inner emotion that was trapped deep in your tear ducts. The look of utter surprise when words of such beauty are used in conjunction with your name shock you, and a tide flows from your eyes as you are left speechless. It is a surprise to you, but in my mind, there are not words in the language of humans great enough to describe your beauty. Your smile alone could make a distant soul feel at home. You are not without flaws, I will not lie. Your flaw is your eyes. They hold so much beauty but they cannot see the beauty in themselves. I would give you my eyes so that you could see how divine you truly are. I thank whatever great entity shaped this world, or just mere chance, that brought us together. While we are not without great struggle, the moments of passion that seem to stop time around us make everything worth it. I would craft you cities of gold and a throne made of the stars themselves, all at the simple mention of the night sky.
Dec 2014 · 394
I used to...
matt Dec 2014
I used to think my looks were less than stellar
like people think Im something that dwells in the cellar
I used to hate my body because it attracted nobody
I used to hate my face because I felt like a disgrace  
It felt like fate and god did I hate
I felt like a loser because I couldn’t loose her
I felt so weak I couldn’t stand on my feet
I used to believe all that they speak
I used to feel so alone when I sleep
I was tired of life I gave it a thought
I was tired of living Id fought my fight
I had seen the light that was unbelievably bright
my anxiety melted away and for once didn’t return the next day
my head held high it was my time to fly
I sprouted wings just to give it a try
Ive lost the one I thought I loved
Ive never felt more at piece
I’ve never been so happy
to see
someone is
in true love with
matt Dec 2014
The cave of hate. The fire in my chest. Its god forsaken name is stress. it tries to escape through tears or fists. holes in the wall and tear soaked sheets are all that exist. a razor in hand tears like sand. its an endless desert that I’m lost in. and I’ve ran out of water two days in. pill bottle of meds an unknown prescription. swallowed one after another like it will make her come back. a gun in a box, its already cocked ready to go off. blood soaked knuckles from fights with walls and the victor is unclear. intentions unclear motives unknown all thats known it came from a broken home. the bystanders minds were blown some more than others some there heads were blown asunder. Panic attacks back to back and its there own mind thats on attack. alone in the dark they feel without a heart because they have been pierced with the dark dart of hate. can’t stand the wait unbearable anticipation anxiety relentless pain feeling endless or thought to be without, can’t scream or shout for fear of being kicked out. pain is with out a doubt that much is true. but an out stretched hand could prevent this. a friend could prevent this soul from destruction these lives saved all because someone stayed when mentioned.
matt Dec 2014
I’m a broken soul torn open with these emotions that are invoking. It feels like I’m having a stroke. See, if someone hurts you, I would make it my mission to destroy them, but what do I do when you’re the one who hurt you? What do I do? Well it isn’t really hurting you, it hurts me, but if I destroy me then you might cease to be, and believe me I have thought on this deeply, but an answer doesn’t come that easily. I couldn’t rid myself of you, thats something I couldn’t do.  I love you, but you’re breaking the ones who hold you, the ones who haven’t yet told you, the ones that don’t even know you, like the girl who didn’t know your name but she knew your pain, or Janna, Hannah, Ellie, and me. We all would be lost if you ceased to be, people love you. When you slit your wrist we can’t make a fist. Its hard to deal with. I want to get ****** but can’t do it. I could never go through with it. When you cut your wrist out hearts bleed along with you.
Nov 2014 · 459
matt Nov 2014
17 years old and I’m cracking.
The cracks start to glow and red fiery light penetrates the dark, as if there are demons trying to break out of this hollow shell that is myself.
I want to take a knife and pry open my skin, and release this monster and let my flame die out.
I feel alone and that nobody will love me.
Nobody ever will.
If they do its all lies.
I felt this way for most of life, that is until I heard a voice in the void.
I heard your voice cry out, saying that all you’re being is useless but what you don’t know is that you are the first contact I have had in this nightmare, Someone as deep in the void as I am.
You have no idea what you’re voice has done for me.
Your voice has brought my attention away from the monsters.
Your voice has been the only thing in my world other than torment.
You have no idea how much impact your voice has had.
As I listen more and more I hear the same things as I do.
I hear pain ,I hear, self hate, I hear agony.
I hear that i am not alone and when I crawled my way towards your voice I saw a figure. a beautiful being.
A being that the monsters had gotten to long before they did me.
I broke part of my heart tore it in half and held it in an outstretched arm. I am willing to give.
I want to show you that you have given me hope.
While I’m scared that it is false hope, it is hope none the less.
You scream out in agony and I give you everything you have.
Your screams seem to quiet and you look up from the floor, and with tears in your eyes.
You thank me, and I smile back.
You begin to cry and look back down because you fear I am an allusion, that I am a sick trick being played on you by the demons.
I can honestly say the same but when we are both at a point that we would end everything why not put all your cards on the last bit of hope you can grasp.
I will give you the remainder of my heart and you give me yours I do this because you could be the answer to the prayer we both pray for sam.
I love you.
Nov 2014 · 797
matt Nov 2014
I never felt so free to just be me I can’t see how you unlock me like a key. You see the inner me because while I am a locksmith you unlocked me.
Nov 2014 · 529
matt Nov 2014
dreams i haven’t had a dream in what feels like years. dreams are a foreign to my head at night there are only nightmares. i guess i could always buy a crappily made dream catcher from the dollar store but what use would it really have. the fact that some people believe that a dollar store dream catch all the nightmares is silly. I’ve had nightmares for years and no sign of any dreams. i guess it was a waste of a dollar. until a life changing event happened. suddenly i was flooded by dreams. dreams of the future of the past of the present and of what could have been. that last one doesn’t mean much to me anymore. its funny now that i think of it I’ve had somewhat of a reoccurring dream the last few nights. there has been a figure off in the distance looking towards me. i can’t tell who or what it is its been to far away to make out the shape i can only tell it is human like from here. but as the dreams continue the figure becomes less blurred and comes out of the shadows. the figure is still unfamiliar to me at this point but last night i had another dream. i was standing in a field alone and out in the distance i could see the figure closer than ever. i could see ****** features almost perfectly. i can’t believe my eyes when i look and see that figure is familiar to me i didn’t believe it. when i looked at the figure well it was you.
Nov 2014 · 2.1k
matt Nov 2014
Rise from smoldering ashes, bring forth new life in a outward burst of flame, and holy cleansing fire. Like the phoenix, I have been given another chance to live again; You to can rise from the ashes of a world that is too clouded to see, take my hand, and begin to fade until there is only an ember glowing among ash, and erupt into a fiery flash blinding all who witness becoming a new you rekindling the flame of life, and beginning again. You have done to me what I cannot thank you enough for. You have given me a reason to rise from these ashes, I will in turn give you a reason to rise from your own ashes, or I will burn out with you.
Corrections by Ellabella
Nov 2014 · 162
matt Nov 2014
I have never felt the steel of a blade dancing on my skin. I probably won’t ever unless its the one that makes me meet my end.
matt Nov 2014
i feel like **** and ******* do i love it. i drag my self from room to room, my eyes focused on the clocks tock. i don’t hear a knock on the door my feet drag on the floor. my head lays on the desk and thats when i feel my second best. I hull myself to the driver side door wishing i could just throw it in reverse and slam my foot to the floor. but not before i see you come around the corner. i throw up ******* to signal to you that i see you. i just sit and smile for a while till you come around the passenger side door, throw your backpack in the back. were both so tired but when we look into each others eyes there is a shock a spark like art when paint connects with canvas and a masterpiece is made, when your falling in a dream and just before you hit the ground you wake up our bodies are sent a sudden pulse of energy. it truly isn’t enough to describe when happens in my brain the thousands of chemicals responsible for these emotions i can’t name them all. call me a ****** because i am addicted to the high i get when looking in your eyes. i feel Dimethyltryptamine because when i with you i real life seems like a dream. my Dopamine levels are off the chart i can’t control this smile. my Serotonin levels are uncertain because when i look into those eyes i forget the world my movements are awkward and automatic, but while my hands are shaking i am calm in your presence.
Nov 2014 · 1000
make each other whole
matt Nov 2014
words on paper meanings truly expressed acceptance is never clear. love is just a word its meaning must be proven. when love is blind it is flawed. to not see the flaws is to mock someones being. it is better to recognize the good and the bad and learn to love the bad till it becomes good. i love everyone of your flaws because i am flawed. we both feel broken from time to time, so lets fix each other. I’ve got a few parts of a soul, you have a few pieces of a heart. lets make each other whole.
Nov 2014 · 577
machine of the hallway
matt Nov 2014
Recede into the music, each stride in sync with the beat of the bass and vocals change and alter the mood. I never think when I walk. I am automatic. I walk like an automaton automatic split second corrections to simple problems. I am never free, I can’t be derailed. My feet move on their own like a pre-programmed line of command telling me to take a left, a right, a left, a right. My head bobs to the beat but my vision is so tunneled I only see if I’m about to run into something. That’s all the code will let me do. Slight adjustments, never straying from the path, like I’m on rails, and the code never fails. I don’t use this time to think. I don’t use this time at all. This time is a blur. I can’t remember it at all. Everyday is the same, day one to day three hundred sixty five. I am a slave to the routine of daily life... if you can call that life.
matt Nov 2014
The solo road takes hold. I don't know where it goes, but where it goes I go.
A midnight’s drive under a sky full of clouds, blocking the moonlight.
Only the glimpse of a shimmering star guides my way, but to what I do not know.
A night of indifference, just going where this winding road takes me, but
I can barely see that shining star through clouds of hesitation.
The road is a one lane highway to a destination unknown
the fog is so dense it is like a layer of blankets used to hide the fears of a child in the dark.
At this point I wonder if it can hide my fears as well.
Do I even want to hide from these fears at all or should I stand up to the inevitable?
My engine’s sputtering, stalling, my car’s running out of gas and I feel like I just might crash.
I put my foot to the gas and hope that I wont fly through the glass and end up with my car smashed, because this car is my only way off this **** road in the first place.
I see no headlights coming my way even though I pray that one day I will see a light at the end of this godforsaken road but the day isn't today.
Some days I pray that I will lay on the road face down
with a trail of my essence turning the road red with release
but other days I carry on like it was my job to mindlessly keep both of my hands on the steering wheel and hope that at the end of this road, there’s an exit sign,
and that all I need’s a little more time.
Because night after night, my hands grip the wheel so hard my knuckles turn white as the fog that clouds my vision day after day.
My sighs echo down this ever growing street, every twist and turn feels like another reason
to unbuckle my seatbelt and open the door because
I’m going 85 in a 50 and I can’t even see my own headlights on the road
my vision is blurred and my mind is as foggy as the road I drive on.
Every now and again I wonder what the point is
I can barely remember the day I started driving, it was so long ago
and I pray for the day when I can wash this fog away in rain,
that I’ll find an exit and take it.
Nov 2014 · 215
matt Nov 2014
history is behind me and in my past lurks nightmares so i have learned that i love to hate my past and look past all the crap the plagued my head when thoughts of past arose i was consumed with nowhere to go but back against a wall of my own head but i have turned on the light and those thoughts have been driven back by my might and my will to fight.
Nov 2014 · 1.6k
matt Nov 2014
blue, the words stick to me like glue and your name is stuck to me too. i once flew but i have broken my wings and landed on a blue sanded beach. every time i close my eyes there is blue and its all i knew…… but then there was you. while i feel like there is internal pressure looking for an escape the blow would decimate. i have become used to the blue and it WAS all i knew but then i met you. when i close my eyes UESED to see was blue but now i see you. I’m not sure if what i feel is real but I’m not about to end all that could get me off this bent blue hell. there is nothing more that i would rather do than leave pain and stress behind in the blue sand. before i leave this blue hell i need to know if this is true or fake and only time will tell. i won’t dismiss this possible miracle but my sanity depends on the nature of this life.
Oct 2014 · 5.5k
if you let me love you
matt Oct 2014
if you let me love you, i will give you my body, my soul, my ear, and my heart.

if you let me love you i will give you the air from my lungs offered from my lips.

if you let me love you, you will be my everything.

if you let me love you, will i be your everything?

if you let me love you i will be with you through every moment of joy and of pain.

if you let me love you, you would no longer desecrate your beautiful wrists because i would offer my own in placement of yours.

if you let me love you i will never let a lie leave my lips and weigh down your mind.

if you let me love you and you have a moment of weakness, i will forgive you.

if you let me love you i will give you my everything if you give me your heart.

if you let me love you i will be a shoulder to cry on and a embrace to rely on, always faithful.

if you let me love you i will show you the meaning of the word love down to every sound.

if you let me love you i will put you fist and myself second.

if you let me love you i will protect you with my life.

if you let me love you, you will be my life
matt Oct 2014
concentration camp of my emotions
every statement i make gives the feeling of fake. its been less then a day and already i want to say, **** this is tough I’ve almost had enough. i have to lock down my thoughts like there are spotlights searching for any escaping expressions. I’ve put limitations on my own emotions all I’m allowed to show is pity for my self, hell id rather off my self. the situation isn’t a cold war the glass cover over the launch button is shut, crisis averted we can all go back to being automatons emotionless, cold like stone statues buried under the field. i can’t even share what is going on in my head without a censor bar blocking because i feel like its too shocking and it would be mocking the proposal i composed. I’m allowing myself to believe in a false sense breathing in false cents. I’ve never felt so uncomfortable to talk to someone who, when we walk made me feel….. well a lot. this situation is unbearable but i don’t know how to coupe without my fix. my mom said i need new kicks because theres holes in it but my heart is fit for a good stitch but nobody has a sewing kit. why do i continue to push when the door says pull i guess I’m just not on the ball when i fall. i don’t check the ground first. i didn’t look to see if there were matts to brace my impact, no i just fell and said “oh well” i sprained my leg but broke my heart. I’m in a camp where my emotion is lined against a wall and publicly shot on the spot, red lead hits the spot as emotions drop motionless its pure hopelessness and ******* do i miss it already. the word freedom has no meaning, theres no formal greeting in prison just keep your head down and hope for the best walking in a crowd wearing similar striped attire all tiered looking somehow wired to string strung and hung down from the set. the puppet masters pet. i don’t know where this all will go but i know……….. i don’t know but I’ve lost hope years ago.
Oct 2014 · 684
not fixable
matt Oct 2014
I’m not sure if I’m fixable. i feel hollow and ill fall over crumble into ruble. while the picture isn’t perfect its a start of a piece art. sometimes the world ***** and **** when its bad and it makes you mad and you’ve had too much **** thrown your way pen and paper come to play. the pen may write the words but remember excalibur is only a sword and without a grip on the handle it can fight no foe and win no war. i feel down and i want to tag out in the last round or take a dive in round five but **** it pain is on my brain and with this much i can take a little more. I’m not sure if I’m fixable but then again nobody else in the discount section is whole anyways right?
Oct 2014 · 1.1k
a poem about someone i love
matt Oct 2014
a kiss from your lips, for a brief moment time stopped and i was in a perpetual heaven. i talk to you every night and all i can do is smile and try to hear your voice and see the look of happiness on your face because your smile is the fuel that keeps me going your voice is the oil that keeps me moving. when you hold on to my arm i feel… real. your embrace completes me in more ways than you know. when I’m alone with you and you simply lay in my arms i am overcome with a sense oh happiness i haven’t felt in what feels like an eternity. just as you have fallen from heaven i have fallen for you and all your beauty. when i look at you your eyes they shine like an island of green and brown surrounded by an ocean of blue waves crashing against the shore. what i can only describe as a section of the vast universal dark that is your pupal and everything around it lets me see the entire universe and its wonders all contained in your beautiful eyes. sam if i had the power to change any aspect of you let god strike me down if i ever had the thought of changing what is comparable only to perfection. I want to fall asleep with you wrapped around me i want to wake up to your shining eyes kiss your lips and lay there for eternity. all i can think about is you, you consume my thoughts every hour of every day of every night. i felt lost in the world of love. I always wanted to know if the ****** love songs you hear on the radio are really love, there not. love is looking into the eyes of someone you care for and being able to tell every little detail on her mind read her like a book. when i stare into your eyes i see waves of light conveying every possible emotion expressed in slight movement of muscles in your beautiful  face, the slightest grin says a million words. when we were finally able to express how we truly felt when are lips touched and we both drew back for air, the look in your eyes made me melt. the smile you gave me was unreal i can’t even describe it, all i knew was that i loved you and i saw love in your eyes. sam you are the best thing that has happened to me in ten years. i am not worthy of a girl like you. it feels like i have known you for eternity but not even an eternity is enough to truly know someone with this much character, emotion, experiences, and beauty. i can’t say how happy i am to be on this earth, to sit in my truck with your head resting on my shoulder or to rap my arms around you and kiss your neck, to simply look into your eyes and see something more than a blank stare that just looks past me. I’m not sure what it is that draws me to you so much but what ever it is i thank god for it. i have even given the opportunity to love someone to perfect. all i can say about you is that even though the word love is tossed around way to much these days i can’t think of a better word to describe how i feel about you. i just have to show you how much that word is meant when its used with your name.
Oct 2014 · 403
my enemy is my self
matt Oct 2014
the night is my enemies’s ally. at night my brain and i cross mental swords we fight each other until the day break. at night my brain doesn’t fight fair in my weakened state i am susceptible to my brains wicked ways. there are rules to war and my brain breaks everyone. it brings up the darkest of times constantly it makes no effort to fight fair. it always wins in the end and i succumb to its will my brain leaves me with not a swift death but another scar in my conscience. that scar i bare on the inside not allowing it to show on the outside or my mind will bring me to an end. I’m not sure if thats a bad thing anymore
Oct 2014 · 658
untitled file
matt Oct 2014
the slits on the wrist make pits void of flesh that is now ripped. **** whats happened to kids. instead of opening vanes open your heart and pour it out to someone you trust. i express this with your best interest in mind find someone who’s ears are funnels and let your soul out. cuts on the wrist won’t release you from these demons that taunt you it will only further haunt you.
Oct 2014 · 2.9k
persona poem~ stress
matt Oct 2014
stress I’m not like the rest. hell half of what you hear these kids write about is me I’m all that they have in there lives. no dad, no mom, no home, there best friend is drugs, cigarette burns in the rug. **** all they wanted was a hug. stress is doing its best swinging a sledge at your back hoping you’ll crack. these kids don’t see there are ways to rid themselves of me. but they just are to blind to see the guy who will take that heavy bag off your back for just one fee. tell him how your day is. whats on your mind. anything because he cares. but nobody is in the line with zero wait time. no they all just keep to themselves walk along as there back cracks.
matt Oct 2014
astounding my heart is pounding, mind racing, feet pacing, hands shaking, i feel myself breaking. i don't know how it got this way i guess my brain just love’s to see me breaking. its like my brain is a separate creature. plotting against me wanting to test me just so it can best me because a body without a mind is broken. I heard that ignorance is blissfulness but i never understood that phrase till my mind left me to fend for myself, it said *******, you get no help. now you have to deal with the two things that matter most and i'm not here to help you. ******* it can't you hear that i am literally yelling this in your ear. the next time your mind leaves you i want you to allow me to lend you my ear so that your cries fall not on deaf ears but someone who will actually shed tears, listen to your fears, and hear what you want someone to hear. don't worry i'm here.
Oct 2014 · 5.8k
matt Oct 2014
stress like the rest I’m trying to get something off my chest. its a weight so great my body begins to shatter all i want to do is yell but this weight is hell it pushes all the air from my lungs till they are bare. do you even care? are you even there? stress is the pain in my chest it feels like cardiac arrest i feel like i should be wearing a bullet proof vest because I’m wearing a red target on my chest. just something to aim at. stress is a mess with no clear way to clear a path without being cluttered by fear. it will bring tears, it will make you think of the ones you hold dear, stress is that weight on your chest making you feel oppressed. its something i deal with normally dont worry i dont repress. i paint it on this page with each move i make a digital valve releases letting you read this.
just a thingy i wrote in like 10 minutes
Oct 2014 · 13.3k
matt Oct 2014
they say that eyes are the window to the soul and if thats so why do we hide them as to not let them show we dip are head and dont make contact. souls connect contract and become compact smoothing and soothing windows to the soul. the eye is beautiful true but to few its a weapon bent on harming you. some eyes attack at your mind tricking you over time into keeping a calm peace of mind until its time to strike you. these eyes can leave you battered and bruised all kinds of abused and feeling used. if i look at the soul and see something artificial in those holes that are the so called souls we need to see not with are eyes but are minds or we will be blind and leave are hearts behind.
matt Oct 2014
rain its calming when i hear the name…. rain its peaceful to the brain like watching the sun rise up each day. as i stand here staring up drops touch my face as drops begin to race down this thing we call a face i embrace the rain i call her name…. rain.

**** an herbal seed trees clouded in smoke as we take are **** from these glass pieces it pleases me to see this room so foggy. as we breath from these bowl the smell hits my nose i go into a hole so dark and so cold i dont know how I’m gonna get out this yo so as i go deeper and deeper smokes got me higher but I’m still falling deeper.

addiction is a prison its filled with scratching itching slashing and slicing fixing for the fix just wanting this **** fixed. the locks that fit his wrist just waiting for the key to fit breaking these chains of his only for a brief minute. as he falls back to earth he twist and jerks on the crack house floor next to a few hundred more…… addicts
Oct 2014 · 382
matt Oct 2014
Some times i feel like a husk ripped up and smashed into dust, its so ****** up i dont have any luck it *****. I can’t break bend crack or snap because the whole place will fall down like that. I can’t show tears for my fears or all i hold dear may disappear. this world may be a hell but under the dust in this ****** place i dwell there is a well that this shell can drink from. when you drink the waters of life your whole life can change like that. I’m a husk i dont know if i can make it to dusk but i must.
Oct 2014 · 442
I will fight
matt Oct 2014
the pain isn’t in my wrist from where the blades would twist but its in my heart where the giant sits. what would rip as your eyes  would drip and drip. feels like a million tuns of bricks. my voice was quiet like the sign you read my voice will not drop like it said. my voice will rise. i will not stand idly by watching as my time goes bye. the clock ticks by as i lay here waiting to die. i stopped my self that night from telling myself these ******* lies. i don’t want to die tonight i will stand up and take to the fight. fight for what i know is right. fight for the ones i wish to sleep soundly at night. i will not die without any light i will fight
just a ****** i made at like 2 or so in the morning

— The End —