A footstep stood
is better than a step back.
We may leave a deeper print,
but it shows others
                    that's its not easily filled.

And that those that try to fill it,
              have lot more to prove


than the reason of its depth..

The heavens were my ink,
and the stars were my thoughts.
The comets were my pen scribbling
on the universe, leaving traces
of what was created still seen long
after their journey had carried on.

ELEVEN* was tired because it was
Almost TWELVE, but ONE was
Up late TWO watch THREE come
Home, FOUR was tired because FIVE
Did snore but SIX pushed him out of
The bed he snored no more, SEVEN
Was up as bright as could be, its
Amazing what EIGHT hours of sleep
Can do for me, NINE was happy as it
Was almost TEN because ELEVEN
Was coming to brunch again, TWELVE
Did come along the day going so quick
So more numbers counted once again
Which will leave us at the first number once again.

I was told I had nice ****,
         but they were a tad on

the hairy side...

A Woman can be so judgmental..

they aren't sagging,
                            and yes I may be an A cup,

but anything is more than a waste to my wife..

Woven in tears of collected misgivings
for his voice never to be heard in the halls
of man, just echoes of nothingness.

For he was a fiction of man, fed through mouths
never one his own, for courts jested verses of
there needing not those repeated and reversed.

Words are power in anyone's hand, the tonged syllables
are hypnotic in a wrong mans purse. Listen to knowledge
and fact, falsehood is a serpent biting back.

Our thoughts are mist
     that in time will clear.

You just need to let the sunrise
      and evaporate the doubt  


that hangs low.

For dewdrops will cling
      on the beauty of positivity,

and life cherished,


knowing there is a new day to live.

"Have you ever heard of a monster
                   that wasn't scary!!

Well our story or rather a memory of
a time way back when.
I was such a worrisome little girl.

"Daddy if the world stops will I fall off,
        
                             "Daddy if I pick my nose
                                        will my nostrils
                                     look like an elephants nose?

               "Daddy are monsters real,
                          "I heard one sneeze under my bed??

"My Daddy always looked at me with a smile,

You worry too much for one so young...
Let me tell you things of the world around.
If the world stopped, we'd be like balloons swimming
in the air flapping our arms,
                while the birds giggle at us for looking like clowns.

Our noses, fingers like to fill holes,
                        that's why thumbs fill that gap in your mouth,
wrinkly thumbs, with happy eyes.
So where else would wondering fingers go??
        But if you find sticky treasure, wipe it on a tissue
because even though appetizing, it'll taste totally gross...

There are monsters but not the ones you think,
           under your bed there is one who was
under daddies when he was younger.
Its name is Pickle.

                 "Pickle, daddy is he a boy or girl?

"I don't know my petal, I never asked,
                         "I think he is a little boy monster"

He is always there, you see when you sleep
there are bubbles floating around your room,
there invisible to me and you.
But pickle sees them, especially the worry bubbles,
for he doesn't want them popping on you.

So he collects them o' so gently so that you
have no worries hanging around you.
Then he uses his paws to shrink it to the
size of a ball and

"POP,
                  "daddy you made me jump,

"Well that's what they go, but only quietly,
      
As he eats with his mouth closed,
             even monsters have manners you know.
So if you ever go to bed worrying my baby,
don't ever think you need to keep it in,
speak to mummy or daddy.
But if you still are worried Pickle will be
there for you to watch those bubbles and
he'll always take them away..
And what noises do they make when he
chews them with mouth closed?
                                      
           "Pop,
                        "Pop,
                             ­        "Pop,

Now close your eyes my petal and don't
worry monsters are real,
but there only there to look after you and me.

I took it in hand it bled my pain, crimson ink
was entombed on each stroke my torment spilt
with ever increasing momentum.

But you can only bleed so much before you run
dry and emaciated your mind slowly puts that
red inked pen down, you bled enough on the page.

But now the thoughts have died, your wanting
to bury this that was ill conceived. Truths that
your mind thanks but your eyes cant handle truth.

I inhaled upon it
like above,
It filled my lungs,
Washing over breath and
I felt calm,
As life exhaled upon the surface .

My feet were paddling in the shallow ebbs
Of depression, I was poised on the edge.
But I could feel the waters surrounding
My being, and I was submerged in all.

I was immersed in sorrowful deliberation,
Where only parts were consumed now
All was submerged in tempered angst.
I was drowning slowly within myself.

When their is only darkness there is
Always a shadow of light lingering
Deep inward. Within some it is submerged
To deep to grasp a faint echo of hope.

For those who embrace that flicker of
Cleansing aspiration, the shores beckon
Once again. though their feet still wade
In the shallow edges but they are alive.

*"Even in darkness there is a glimmer to hold onto,

I have slowly drowned
but with no water in sight,
I try to keep my head above
but im slowly sinking out  of
sight.
  
I struggle, I fight that which
is slowly flowing over me,
Im trying to keep a float,
this is now my hell.
  
I am drowning with no
water in sight, do I give  in
let it take me, or fight and keep
myself  afloat.
  
One day I will learn to swim in
this ocean that is drowning me,
no water  in sight, but for now
I am drowning in despair, I hope
to never give into always fight.

Seeing into oblivion:

She sits silent nervously looking at the clock,
As seconds move as if no time moves at all.
Pausing she breathes and her eyes flicker
Around the colorless  walls seeing strangers silent.

The window of her viewing lies empty awaiting
Its guest of only moments breath leaking away.
She looks at the contours of what will be *justice
In her eyes for what isolated her in these lonely thoughts.

She hears whispers of others speculation, trying
So hard not too hear the ideas of others. So not
To contaminate her thinking of what is about to
Happen, she sees a vision of him smiling then blinks.

A door stretches into the room as a figure greats
What will deplete his moments as they drip away.
He looks forward only seeing the looking glass, she
Watches him walk and a tear cascades downwards.

A short walk takes along time:

He had asked for so few things for his last meal,
Thoughts of what difference does it make when
He walks all will taste as silence. He recollects his
Awaking to what is about to happens and sighs.

"Come on  one  more drink,
"Ok then just*  one,

Those words haunt him now "One, how could
Such a small number bring so much to this
Conclusion of what he is. One man, one second
Then life changed, waking handcuffed to an ER bed.

Flashing imagery goes through like a scratched DVD
replaying that imagery over and over again. He shudders
At what had happened, moving then motionless screams
Then silence. Never seeing them, thinking it a lucid dream.

But here he sits chains adorn him, as his final walk is
Granted, the pastor prays with him. A tear falls where
Many have fallen numerous times before. He adds his
Legacy where others will sit and tears fall more.

Eyes stare but only  one  sees a reflection:

His legs tremble, but noting is seen, he composes
Himself in each step. One foot in front of another
So few are left. He sees himself, head shaven features
Withdrawn he pauses then lies shaking slightly more.

She sees him staring into his own observation of self,
He stares wondering of whom stares back then all
Is revealed as curtains are exhumed and those now
See each and their is a brief pause then silence.

A droplet steals  breath:

He sees her as he I restrained a tear of regret falls, she
Just stares and sees her husband now silent. She looks
Away and he just lingers in that moment, a final word
Is spoken a last request of consonance thought.

"I made one mistake, I cant take it back,
I am sorry for what one moment caused,
"I leave here with only regrets left in my place,

She sits silently as the life in that which lies before
Her ceases and she sits silently. She holds her hand
To her chest and grasps gently on to a ring. One that
Was taken from her, but now can finally in peace rest.

Corroding at the essence of what had been,
leaves wilted scorched by the white.
It was but a far away moment now colliding
upon our onyx reality.

No thought of that which echoed in the distance
a difference to our perspective. but now absorbing
all that was delicate obsidian, eviscerating all
substance now bleached from known existence.

All we were was eroding away, flowers blossomed
but wilted upon the sight above, diluted our shadows
were not as they were. All that was will soon be but a
blank slate no longer the beauty that was obscurity.

jolly roger played
with his togger under
the light of the moon

When it spat and a 
snake bit back, now
his ***** look like
balloons.

I hang on to an I it is the letter that
Keeps me afloat. I am drowning
In letters words are pulling me
Down, I nearly choke on a lower
Case o but like a polo I swallow it
Hard but whole.

Z is caught on my foot tangled
In the a word formed from those
Floating in this sea of thought.
I look beneath the waves, as a U
Gets trapped around my throat,
I gasp for air grabbing a J to ease
This letter getting tighter on my throat.

It feels though hours have past as
Time floats by aging the words as
It drifts on. I fear I may drown in
This sea of letters of random words
Of thought.

But I see light it floats through
The sky, higher case letters brings
More definition to the word as
Brighter than the lower case it was
Before. I see where I need to be a
Island of word I swim to its shore.

Safe from this sea of confusion of
Separate word, on this Island the
Waters flow as words, and my
Thoughts now cleared no longer
Drowning in a sea of letters that
Wash upon the shore as words..

She was the ****, I was the crystal
addicted to each other the moment
                                              we meet.

But every high has a come down,
                I'm the ***** needle..

She was the spoon, warming up on
               another's sleeve.

Tided tightly ready to overdose on her.

                     She was the chemical bliss
that could  be taken anywhere,  



                                         I thought...
that we were something special.

But I was used,
                      discarded.

I was useless to her, as I was unable
         to pierce the vein..

Used to many times.

So she found another way to find
              a way to make her self higher

than she was with me.

Now I'm in a come down

rehabilitated
                   and I'm struggling.

If
Death
waits
For
Me
He can take a number...

You grazed my mind,

             it still itches to this day..

Which I  love because,
           with out a scratch to itch,


A reaction we will never learn.



             What made us think
                          in the first place.

A graze is a scratch of reflection,
    and the itch is us looking deeper
                             than the initial reaction.

Within a casket of echoes
does the mirage of
      truth become stained
into a conciseness of delusions.
                 But still they are slaves..

Altercations of past inclinations
that merit, reflection of
                          misguided minds.
But with no morals they digress,
      standing on illusions of nothingness.

Where another doesn't tread,
                      fed to others delusions
of negativities prompting lies upon
lie with no merit only golden goblets
drinking upon the weakness of others.

We are but a piece of string, that the
Sisters of fate choose when too cut.

And a once long string became
But a short moment no longer a full life.

I think this does not do me justice,
It is an ill fit, I wear underneath
Even though it doesnt quite fit.

I wear it for others, to make
A statement to show others my
Dedication, for a cause that
Will show those that I am like
No others, I do what I feel  is right.

I wear it with pride, as I walk through
A crowd, children laughing as adults
Walk around. do they look at me guessing
The vest I wear is about a statement.

I look around as I do what must
Be done this vest is a message, I
Am everywhere in a split second as
Screams and silence scream out
All at once.

I was a person who wore a vest
It was ill fitting, but now those
Who didnt know me, now see me as I
Showed them my vest, to the world
A statment heard not by voice but
By the person wearing this vest.

Boundless thought in a space of immeasurable
Conciseness, suns of reflection burn bright.

Stars in distance attention, so far but nevertheless
Still a twinkling in the cognitive awakening.

Traversing the distance to light up a moment
All that was a vast unlimited space of thought.

Forewarnings were posted
on her eyelashes,

whipping weakness away.

She wanted a courter  that could
handle her, a cat of nine tails
lashing upon his
                             naked back.

"Your eyes sparkle like stars
                           in the night sky,
when I stare into them,
              I feel like I am soaring high."*

I said this too her, like every word
was a shooting star.
                       Burning up
in the atmosphere of her heart.

Love shined momently bright..
                      skimming on emotions
but, what happens when stars fade.

Alone in the dark, wishing on
glimpses of our moment.
                 The heavens now empty of us.

You skim my ink, but do not read between the depths of
my expulsion. Only reading in the shallow pools, then lifting
your eyes from my thoughts and dry lightly.

Creativity is not a syllable or a word, it is that which
utters in the mind and lingers there in reflections of what
was said but imbues new deliberation.

I care not for your pity but give originality its dues and
not the same old same old that is just a whisper in a
crowd. I shout and you will listen to my ****** words.

God is like hide and seek ,
           but you're the only one
           trying to find someone
                       who isn't really there...

The sting of my verses will sew the woeful indiscretions
of what got curb bounced on the beat or the worst vocals
that you rhymed incoherently that were
                                                     collected in lyrical a doggy bag.

I will not fall on a sword of those that ignore my verse
that fall on the page, do you know why I write in diverse
motions? Do you know my demons the voices that verse
inwards on the white of my skull? my reflections reverse.

The sting of my verses will sew the woeful indiscretions
of what got curb bounced on the beat or the worst vocals
that you rhymed incoherently that were
                                                     collected in lyrical a doggy bag.

But excrement can be rhymed in free verse, I'm doing this
for me but I don't linger to impress! I word for my emotions
are a hurricane and I'm the eye calm but I swim in the abyss.

The sting of my verses will sew the woeful indiscretions
of what got curb bounced on the beat or the worst vocals
that you rhymed incoherently that were
                                                     collected in lyrical a doggy bag.

I'm vocalized to those that don't sniff the arses of poor vocals
linger on excellence not the excrement of poorly woven yokels.
Lyrics of verse are meant to move not stagnate silently,
they are meant to be lyrics that move the emotion violently.

*"Weave the best version of you, not the diluted verse,

"Daddy,

Why does the sky sparkle, like glitter thrown
Around a room. like fire flies sitting still in
Darkness shining their light on me and you.

"Sweet heart,

The universe is a wondrous place, of everything
And nothing in one big expanding space.

"Daddy,

What's expanding??

"Sweet heart,

The sky is every moving further away, but these
Little glowing sparkles are suns shining away,
Each is life, burning so bright a long, long way away.

"Daddy,

Will I see them, will I ever great these diamonds
Burning brightly in the sky, can I touch that which
Twinkles in my eyes.

"Sweet heart,

You are always near to those that give light to the
Sky, they see you looking up, see the twinkle in
The stars dancing in your eyes.

"Daddy,

I see them dancing in the darkness, I see them
Shooting across the clear night sky. I wish I
Was a star floating all the way up there I would
Shine from a million miles afar.

"Sweetheart,

Shall I tell you a secret?

"Daddy,

Yes o yes please.

"Sweetheart,*

We are all star dust from the beginning of
Time, everything has a little piece of a star
In it, we are all carry a little part of the
Universe every person, flower and raindrop
That also falls from the sky..

We may look in a room
          enlightened,
  with all that can be seen.

But we will only truly look
             when a dark room
shows what isn't visualised,
                but discovered.

For what was before  is a question unknown,
        but we shall not bow to fear
        and the misguided reverance of


                                uneducated gods.

             For the universe existed before them and so did man.

One day we may find answers,
         but not within false wanting.
     We must reach for the stars
and search ourselves.

Not to cower in lack of knowledge
                       which we do not have yet.

I never quite realized the juncture of its occurring,
but as I got older from seed to stalk to flower I
realised that some thing was off, only ever so slightly.
Nuances of memory were enveloped in my deliberation
of actions that were considered unworthy of what I was
saying or doing but I could never quite glimpse over
the horizon of what felt uneasy till that one day.

It wasn't what I had expected I was walking as I always
did in the woods near my home, I loved nature the aromas
of either summer when everything was vibrant and I would
just slumber under the shade of my favourite tree.
"I used to tell that tree my problems from an early age,
I always envisioned that when I told it of my woes that
when it became winter that each spoken word was a leaf and
when it feel then my mind was free of those burdens.

Ridiculous I know, now I just watch the leafs do there
dance of the falling as I like to call it. Some elegantly waltz
to there beckoning below while others just mosh-pit it
to the floor like bungee jumping with no cork. I wish I felt
that free to just let go of it all. But alas I am me and I cant
change the evolution of myself, I can only channel my energies
in to trying to be better than what my family think and expect
I will undoubtedly be, worthless in there expectations, never.

It occurred that day, I never understood why? but it changed
everything. I was diagnosed with ice-pick migraines if you
have never had them...

"Lets just say it like a full blown migraine in a cluster of seconds
or minutes and the pain is like being shot or my vision of the
pain that expels from my thought,
"Then as soon as it hits like a numbness expels itself on the
area and light headedness not the nicest of experiences specially
when like a earthquake I have aftershocks all day,

This one was intense I stumbled and eyes fastened to each
other and then I was up and about again. that numb feeling
has got a, "Like feeling I had lost some part of me, but after
a while I was back to myself. Entering through the backdoor
I hollered to my parent that I was back, and they came down
stairs smiling and I was uneasy at the show of affection?
"Why the smiles you evicting me or something?
They just laughed and said cant we just smile when we see you.

This was the start of it, every time I had that ****** pain
noticeably cracks were seen. I would be saying about something
and then they'd ask if I was ok, and after my university results
came I was despondent, Scoring a B+ when I needed an A+.
Beside myself I wallowed in negativity, I couldn't be a teacher
of science. Those days in the woods channelled my curiosity to the
makings of the world around me.

But then I had a lingering pain, locking my eyes as if they were
unattainable for my vision to peer through the cracks. But as
always panic wasn't justified and the numbness passed.
I walked into the sitting room slightly groggy of the passing
"Surprise, congratulations our teacher in training.
"What this is cruel, is this a joke,

A+ you were jumping up and down yesterday like you
were on a pogo stick, I thought for a moment lingering on
the subtle change of what had perspired. I'm sorry its been
a lot to take in the last few days.
"I think for Halloween ill  dress up like Einstein,
everyone laughs out loud E=mc2 player........

I cant quite grasp what else had changed, niggling
at me through out the years that past an uneasy
trepidation lingered. But at the back of my mind
it fell as I was with love in my heart, and I was honoured
to have not one but three children. all  luckily had her looks
not mine, I always gave them a kiss on the head goodnight.

But then I got a feeling within that I wasn't really thinking
straight, and I knew then. It was to late it was like a tsunami
cresting over my mind and I realized it was one of them.......
Before I could fight it, I know I couldn't stop it.
Then the pain faded I didn't see anything different and
sighed with relief maybe it was just a headache? no worries then.

I walked in the house I could smell her cooking, god I loved
her cooking, she was like a Picasso in the kitchen and my
mouth watered at what creativity had been created.
"Hi baby, Matthew, Sarah, where is your sister?
perplexed looks fell over their faces.

"Who Daddy!

"Maddie, your little sister,

Sarah spoke asking the obvious thought of who is Maddie,
I was getting agitated at the thought they would be playing
a game when I hadn't seen there sister.
"Baby where is Maddie, "is she a friend of the little ones,
I thought by her voice that she was humouring me, and as I
looked around every photo was vacant of her beautiful features.

My mind went it to overdrive, it couldn't, wouldn't be that
cruel... I had turned white and became dizzy, I don't feel so
g.......... I threw up in the kitchen bin as tears of realization
swept over my like a rock slide. I was vacant and untethered
at this point and voices were a blur. "Baby you ok, I heard
her through the haze of confusion. "Do you remember what
I told you about what used to happen to me? confusion in
her eyes answered my fears that more than one thing had changed.

Hand were over my eyes as I didn't want the children to see me
like this. Were they even mine? of course they were, how could
I have even thought that for a moment.. "I'm sorry baby,
Then the inevitable conspired on me, and I felt my mind succumbing
to that crest of pain, I lost my balance as I was already leaning and
as I blinked I was the table edge greeting me then darkness enveloped
my conciseness. I heard voices in this sea of confusing moments.


Awakening in a hospital bed I blinked as if It felt that I was erratically
becoming conscious then being swept into the void of silence.
"Baby I love you please wake up,
Her voice was like a choir of classic music gracing my mind.
I awoke suddenly, her smile greeted me. My head that was a pretty
hard head you have, two days you been lazing in bed, she smiled
I think mostly because I had greeted her with a groggy smile.

Sarah was there holding, no more like squeezing the blood
from my hand, but I didn't mind even though the pins and
needles were not a delightful pain to wake up too.
Where is your brother? "Brother daddy, I knew that look
and my wife just nodded, in a panicked look. I was exhausted
even though knowing what had accrued and tears fell like
glass shards cutting on my features as I was dragged to slumber.

I awoke to see my wife, holding my hand gently, in panic I
asked where is Sarah? She is with my mother, why did you
ask about Matthew, you know he was still born, and the pain
this causes us both. I'm sorry my baby I was confused.
I uncontrollably cried, the dam of emotions had broken through
and in a matter of hours I had lost two of my children those
memories were still and forever chiselled in my thoughts...

After my release I went to see a therapist as I became solace
in my grief that my wife couldn't comprehend to her it had
happened years ago. But in my eyes I had lost there breath
on my face as they kissed me on the cheek goodnight.
Now I only have the most recent memories and not even
pictures of them to console my heart  with.

I had spoken in detail, of what had happened and
with vacant expressions he just looked and smiled.
I knew what was next either prescriptions to dull my
mind of these imagining that he perceived I has had
or the worst case I would be greeted with that inevitable
white coat and padded thoughts drugged to my eyes *****.

I left feeling lighter in myself even though he gave me enough
meds to sedate a horse, a really, really big horse. I walked home
thinking how would I cope knowing the memories that were
bleeding out of consciousness. I had to do everything to not
crack like a glass snowflake falling from the blue skies.
I smiled as I walked through the door seeing her run towards me.

My arms were open to have my only other reason for living
embrace me, I knew it would eventually happen, but not as
I had only grasped her in my momentary needing. Then it
took me, eyes were saturated in nothing and when I came
to my grasp was empty my palms only hugging the floor.
Nothing has ever changed this much and dread encompassed me.

My home or was it, neither a picture or flower graced the
surrounding of my once warm home, I walked into the
living room, I couldn't smell the perfume she wore.
"Baby, where are you? no answer maybe she was out..
Then i stared at the fire place a jar, then a smaller one sat
neatly next to it, a shudder cam over me like death whispered.

I walked over, but it was as if my feet were dredging through
tar. I couldn't look up, I wanted to but knew what would
greet me. I was shaking like a leaf in a hurricane, and then
all was silence. I read the wording, and tears streamed from
eyes like words screaming into vacant nothingness.
It was my wife's ashes and my 8 month old daughter,
so long had past since there passing but to me it was now.

I sat there just gazing blankly at these precious vessels
she didn't even, i didn't even have a chance to say goodbye
to then either of them. All of them gone, why me, I needed
surrender to the fact that I was no longer within a world
that cared. I held it in my hand it was cold, I knew what
had to be done, I couldn't do this crap anymore.

I wondered what would  hurt the most in the mouth or
to the temple? My frustration at life had climaxed to this
inevitable junction. I didn't know whether to cry or
laugh, I just thought of there images the love of my
life, my three little jumping beans. I smiled momentarily
then normality intruded and I pulled the trigger, then oblivion.

Can you comprehend the time of life and death, it eternal
yet finite. I felt the pain for a moment and all was nothing,
but I awoke in a unknown location. Confused and even more
perplexed at the thought of was I alive or dead? then I happened
upon a slim looking bloke,
"Hello this is going to be a funny question,
"Where am I? and what day is this?

"Are you high mate? "No just a little disoriented stag party,
The date was at least a week from my happening, I needed at
least twenty migraine tablets and a *****, but then again would
this just happen again. I wondered till my feet hurt, I slept at a
homeless shelter. Luckily they had pity on my sorry looking
****. In the morning I phoned to no answer discontinued it played.

It took a few days to get back to my house, and I looked through
the  window my outcry was instant and also more vocal than I
had anticipated. She say me and instead of joy there was horror in
here loving eyes and then she passed out but I was behind a window
and she feel with no arms to catch her she crumpled like paper that
bleed crimson then she was still. I kicked in the door s the children
were screaming.

"Its ok babies daddy is here,

"It cant be we buried you a week ago?
"Mummy said you had a seizure, that you had feel asleep
and never woke up again, now mummy isn't moving,

"I felt her pulse her blood soaking the surrounding areas, she
was already going cold,

Without warning that godforsaken pain eclipsed my eyes, and
then I was alone and where I saw her in life then death was
erased from the surrounding. My poor children had lost me
and her in a week. but I had shifted and they were probably
inconsolable at that point, I cried for hours till I couldn't weep
another tear and then I realized I had to look up myself for
if that was at that point I ended myself had I doomed my others.

I looked up my name, bless she hadn't changed the code,
if my thoughts were true I had caused a fluctuation that
extended beyond my misguided but needed actions.
I penned in my name and where I had just imagined
the thought of what if's. It was as I had feared I was dead
again this was a worrying turn of events.

My obituary was a before, I, he had suffered a aneurysm
on the date that I had ended my life, but it was just another
action of my grief. How many lives were concluded, but
my thought shifted to the noise at the front door. The key
was edging towards the door  opening. I didn't know
what to do as I knew the repercussions of seeing myself.

I just hid in the closet, I saw her face as she entered and I
had to keep my emotions in check. I was only thinking,
"Don't open the door don't open the door, she walked
up the stairs and I took to the front door, creaking as it
opened. I really need to oil this when this chaos doesn't
interrupt my existence anymore, "Who's there, echoes from
upstairs and I exit with my bank card. ill only use a bit.

The cashpoint was in front of me I had borrowed a hoodie
from a neighbours washing line, I didn't like them anyway
so no lose there then. I only took a few hundred to keep me
going in food, I was homeless for months as I couldn't really
get a home or a job as I was dead and buried. Visiting ones
own grave is a very peculiar feeling nice head stone though.

Thoughts flurried through out my waking days to what I
would do as this wasn't really what I had planned with my
life. The thought of wanting to move on seemed to fit
my predicament, as  neither a headache or migraine of
any sort.. Lucky me.. I was awoken by a voice, not one I
recognized and as stumbled to my feet dazed but awake.

"It is you?

I had no time for these games of twenty questions and told
then to politely "jog on, but they just stood there and I
thought I was incoherent. I put my glasses on and looked
again? my brother well his brother! "why did you run,
"From the grave bro, you were dead I saw you with my
own to eyes. I just looked as a tear escaped my ***** exterior
and a crocked line of cleanliness dripped off my face to the
floor below, and the only words I could muster was "I'm sorry,

You see I never had a brother, I was a lonely child, cradled under
that tree wishing my troubled days away always wishing that
when the leafs fell so would my troubles. Yet there he was, it
was nice to see I had a sibling. He was hugging me like I he
was holding me above water fearful to let me go encase I
drowned out into this nest of unkempt persons and he held on tightly.
I just stared and there was a momentary silence in-between the noise.

"How could you leave her like that she was your wife,
"She would have understood man.

I saw where this was going, thinking I had a break down, some
how faked my death. Laughable really I couldn't escape it but I
was really good at delivering it to myself in others ways...
Let me explain, "How the hell am I going to explain this rationally,
my thought speaking out in my mind, seconds seemed cemented
in place. "I will tell you, but not here, and as I began to walk away
I just thought of his face the moment I tell him, I so going to the
padded room when he hears my explanation.

But i didn't have time i was accosted by two rather large gentlemen,
"What the hell? let go off me, that was a far as I got as I felt that
flaming burning sensation in my neck. Darkness ensued then a blurry
light, everywhere was white, had it snowed? was that a dream?
No I was in a padded cell my wife and brother looking on, sadness
painted on eyes as if they were looking at some sick animal about to
be put out of its misery. "Its not me, I shouted to no avail as the eye piece closed and I was alone with my fluffy white clouds wow what
ever they had given me it was awesome..

So many years had past i hadn't told a soul of my misfortune, till
that moment when i felt my heart stutter like an engine... then the
pain came and i was neither here or there but freeze framed in two
instances, the now and the moment before i pulled the trigger...
my eyes were open in death but closed with the gun so I reached
out and took it, and I left a note, a brief scribbling,

To many leafs have fallen and the troubles they just became a
pile of problems building rotting upon the other, this isn't the
truth but a leaf that shall never fall....

"Whisper in her ear every night, for a whisper is louder than
and word.....

And with that I opened my eyes and I had shifted once again
and the gun luckily was in that other place.  I looked down at
the piece of crumpled paper and a

You tried to stab me in
the back, but your blade
was dull, but even though
it didn't cut.

You never the less kept on
stabbing I was bruised, concussed
from the impact of your lies,
whispers behind my back
but friends knew you were
a wolf hiding as a lamb.

Your knife was blunt but it
still left a scar..

A withered carcass entombed
within my being,
An essence of what has succumb
beneath those placid waters
as I'm departed.

Your hands linger,
but are never grasped upon.

I'm obscured from all, and breaches
                whisper words in silence...

Winds did caress her hair, drifting silently
Red as a sunset beauty like waves in this
Turbulent rushing on sewn breezes.

Observing She stood admiring the beauty
As the long grass flowed with blended colours
Swaying to the time of unseen touches.

Her umbrella like a sun risen in the swaying
Motions, as clouds in a rush to no where,
Gestured onward never ending trails.

She stood their taking it all in, not knowing
She was part of the beauty in this landscape,
The winds kissed her  as nature took her in.

Beauty is braille
written in the fingertips.

Never reading a word upon you,
              as my palms were pages.


And you were every word on them.

It bathes in a crematorium of illumination,
it's cries are swallowed by slate lullabies
lingering in the horizon of purest beauty.

Obscure in it's effects, It ingratiates all quivering
flickers that do not concede to this disheartening
funeral pyre of onyx flames seeding it to oblivion.

Where light diminished eclipsed in obliteration,
substance was all and void. Bathing in its consumed
form, it opened its eclipsing sight and two stars shone.

*"For when all is nothing, light always finds a way to shine,

My words will die with me
silence will fall, the voice
that was heard will be silent
once more.

I will fall to eternal sleep, my
body will never again rise in
the morning again. My eyes
now forever closed, never to
see the sun rise up or the sun
sets fall.

My soul has departed to that
other place, my body no longer
calling it home. My words will
no longer be heard, but they
can read my words, and you
will get to know me even though
I have long gone.

We are all green houses,

              never let anyone throw
a rock though your widows..

As there just jealous that's growing
                                          within.

Some may be infertile within,
               cold and un-growing.
No seed of compassion sprouts within.

But you are a virtual rainforest of
                       creative imaginings..
            So growth forth and no rock
shall ever come through your  greenhouse...

Motionless twilight enshrouded,
                                          Faceless entities lingered.