dipping, soaring. swerving
with sounds of their symphony
which they could only know
I hear, I listen
I see, I believe
with so few words to say
I wish I could say more

Sometimes change feels like an interruption in itself.

I made a mistake again
And this I vow I would never make it again
It's been three days since I last made the choice to do it
And I feel better knowing that I will not do it today
And I hope for the best tomorrow
I find that the bravest thing I can do for myself
Is not to do it again
And I mean it
Because I turn out to be a loser
Instead of a winner
Therefore, how many times will I loose before I win again?
I don't want to loose anymore
Then I'll stop for my sake
To become the winner by being brave

touched for a moment
but pulled away too soon to know
waking up I thought I couldn't feel again
I wished that I could immortalize the moment
only to realize that I'm some distance from you

had the moment not lasted
then it wouldn't have been a moment to remember
a moment to last
something you gave
and something you shared

you wouldn't have stopped yourself
even if you tried
your love I wanted
your love I needed
knowing in both ways loving while giving
but not realizing or even knowing you were doing so

She stands tall even in difficult times
A? champion to us
A champion to all who know off her
A lady, a woman, and a friend to me
One person I've come to know
One person I've come to care for

She stands by you in difficult moments
As well as in difficult times
A winner at all times
Never a quitter

The pain is gone
And no longer is present
I don't think much about it
But if it returns I deal with it

I turned 47
But I still feel the same
But look a lot different
From when I was 25

A valentine birthday meant more to celebrate
You would think?
But I realized others share this day
As something special too
So it wasn't my day only
But everyone else's
Too!!

I had lost sight of what's real
what's good
but I've risen above my misfortunes
a struggle?
but what a wonderful life it is  
I've come to know
but not without darkness
but also with light in darkness

With much thoughts and ideas
To explore
I wonder which ones I should mention
Or write about today
I'm in limbo
Or am I not?
The sun is shining but it's very cold outside
As I write again I am thinking
But uncertain about how I feel
My best friend left the state
I lost my way somehow
Again!
What do I have to smile about?
You tell me

I am neither in the dark nor am I in the light
Just in limbo
It may be at dusk or at dawn
The moment where I am at is the moment that exist
Words are few to come by
With so little to say
But so much that is unsaid
I wonder when will be that day

i dreamt of birds
in a large cage
that appeared red, green, yellow, blue, or pink?
seemingly disturbed by something
that i thought they needed to escape

a moment later i felt something dropped on me in my dream
as i opened my eyes in this dream
i saw one of the birds on me
one that would die

it was unclear what this meant
but i felt there were too many birds in that cage
had i not awaken from this dream
i would have opened the cage and set them free

My ancestors were victims of brutal changes
the British Empire imposed upon them
I understand other ethnic groups have suffered at the hands of the British
Be it the people one ancestry or another
We all have suffered
But today there is still suffering
Men are being beheaded
because they offer help
In Iraq it still seems like they continue to carry out teachings of Sadam Hussein
Why?
I don't know!

Last Christmas I didn't spend time with family
But with friends
This Christmas I'll do it with friends
Again!
Exchanging gifts,
Opening gifts,
And being thankful for all that I've gotten
I'll enjoy the Perneal ham my roommate will bake
Celebrate another roommate's birthday
All these things I'll do on Christmas Day

I remember celebrating Christmas as a child
but not doubting its significance
but only realizing it was a time I loved most
Getting gifts,
the smell of fruit cakes being baked,
the smell of pine cones
I remember sneaking a drink of red wine
Having ginger beer to drink
As a West Indian child would

I am siting here pondering
While pensive about my future
What does it hold?
Do I know?
Or don't I know?
Will I know?

Many questions, many answers
I want to work again
While I can again
This is a goal I want
This is a goal I must achieve

I 'll have to seek it to find it
Not just one I"ll seek
But many until I find the right one

I believe but in what
I believe the sun's ray allows us to create vitamin D
I also believe my moods are affected by my mate
Because when he's upset
I'm bothered
When he's happy
I'm elated to know he's well
When I'm not well
He's unhappy!
Why?
It bothers him when I'm not well

It pours it rains
But when the rain stops
It is likely a rainbow appears
The rain cleans the air,
Gives plants water to grow,
And gives all animals water to drink for their survival
But it can be deadly with too much rain
But when the rainbow appears and dries us out
This is when we see we need them both

Once a party girl
perfect,
well-dressed, with beauty
but with little to believe in

My mother change this young woman
by turning her into an educated woman to be
Making me change my style,
my attitude,
and my understanding of reality

Twenty-three years later
Now an established adult woman
I've entered a different dimension in thinking
Life is not about myself only
It's about friends, family members, my mate, and others I care for
And I will not forget this

Sometimes I think they're like enemy
just aiming to bite my head off
for what?
when I do something
they do not like
this happens

but when I need them
they're always there
when I need
this I didn't know
until I found out

my pain was too much
too much even for painkillers to ease it
it felt good
while it lasted
smoking a joint was enough
or maybe even two
no one knew
but only myself
when i did it
Guess what?

I'll discover again
To know again
This time
What's unknown will be known
What's old is out
What's new is in
Tomorrow's news will be yesterday's news
Whereas today's news will today's news
Any point this?
Well!
If I were a bird with blue webbed feet
What would you think?
A bird with blue webbed feet?
Or a bird that has webbed feet that's the color blue?

My eyes couldn't see
until I saw your rainbow
such sad eyes
take a turn
show courage
you find courage
when you find your strengths
weaknesses you had
but that didn't last long
until you showed your colors

I get up every morning
Then I bleed
From where?
You wouldn't want to know!
It hurts and hurts
I take a pill or two to ease the pain
But then I soak in the tub with warm water by dissolving a salt in it
I sit in it for five minutes
While it reduces the irritation
It reduces the pain

Oh!
How untrue?
The misery will return
If I return to it
Using could become the cause
For numbing the light
Allowing the darkness in
Then the confusion
Then the misery
Then the pain

I've hurt and hurt many times
it hasn't stopped me
Yet?
but is has slowed me down
but I get up
get out of bed
face my world
bring myself to healing
until I fail
some hours later
I try healing again
this time I get it right
I take some painkillers
Soak in warm water
Get out!
dry myself
and go back to bed to heal some more
I then hope for the best the next day

You may not know them
But I do
I want to reveal their names
But I'm hesitant
Why?
They are not selfish
Because they gave when I needed
And these two are Dr Andrew Ridgeley formerly of Wham now a doctor
And Dr Mark Schuller of Northern Illinois University

I met Andrew with George Michael
At that time Andrew saw how I felt
A little depressed and sad
I didn't know how he knew but he saw the sad expression on my face
And he looked at me with concern
As he would
He understood
I then would smile
Because someone saw and showed concern

Dr Mark Schuller was a professor
I came to admire
Came to be my mentor.

I want to know you
As I try
When you are happy tell me?
When you are sad let me know?
When you are down tell me so?
Distance is only a keyboard away
For you to let me know
What you think
And what you feel
Words can say
Words can express
Then use it
And use it as you will

My dreams I pursued tirelessly
Until it happened
Then something else happened
I had to slow down
But my dreams didn't
I encountered a few gliches
I call problems
Money ran out to promote my dreams
But I have no intention of giving up
Much less giving in too defeat
I will persevere to make it happen
To see it happen

moments of darkness that turned into hours
hours would turn days
days would turn into months
using would bring darkness
while numbing the light

even in light there would be more darkness
not seeing what was ahead
but only seeing what it didn't have for me
a future that was my past

more darker time with regrets
loosing money, time, and a place called mines
I crumbled!
then I cracked
the pillars that held my world up came tumbling down on me

turning to the bottle would be the answer
drinking every last drop
and drinking even more
until I stumbled
I could no longer hold myself up
I crashed and burned

fifteen years, a decade ago
i held on
as i knew
your love
as i knew
your touch comforted me
while you love i missed
as when i held on
you loved

yesterday I thought to myself
how cold it is?
then I said to myself
oh!
how I long the warm rays of sunlight on my skin?
a longing I hadn't felt during summer
but now in winter
but believe me I don't have seasonal affective disorder

As I move away from one issue
I deal with another issue
My thoughts are clear
But what I feel with these thoughts
Are also clear to me

With mixed feelings and emotions
Once I couldn't understand them
Much less know what they meant
It felt like something was wrong within me
But today I've come to know
A little more about what they mean

They are my reactions of external influences
A natural reaction
A human reaction
Something not to be afraid off
But to help me realize that I'm normal
And only human

Tonight I found out I wasn't for me
But for someone else
He isn't perfect
But he's mines
I'm not perfect either
But I'm his

I waited almost half my life to find him
But I didn't know it would be him
Mines and only mines
A man I've come to know
A man I've come to love

Then what could all this mean?
Is it a turning point for both of us?
Or is it the time to realize that we are meant to be together?
Or to be there for each other?
Or you tell me?

once torn
once happy
once sad
once it was unknown how I felt to myself
but then I found out something about myself
a friend would say to me
you are a woman of emotions and feelings
you are supposed to know your feelings
as you learn what they are
then I would come to know what I felt

he made it clear what I should
a graceful beauty,
petite,
and perfectly flawless
for him
I didn't think it were possible
but now I know
because he knows I can do it for him

All the seasons have come
And brought many things with it
As well as many changes
My health improved,
I became stronger,
And found myself
Again!

2016 was but now it is almost gone
Not forgetting it
But remembering what it brought
Into my life

Now here comes 2017
Bringing more
Leading to what I had been planning
Taking effect
With the hopes off succeeding this coming year

History seemed unknown to me
But I guessed what it might be
Until I learnt
The people of Ferguson Misouri reacted to a child's death
Civil rights violated
While another died at the hands of others mishandling
The situation
Then sometime three days ago
Boommh!
Their gunned down while eating
Whose wrong?
Whose right?
When is it right?
Why is it wrong or right?
Death is the loss of lives
Not a game

Discontentment beyond belief
But as blue as a sapphire sky
I could guess
But it seemed as though I was the only one that saw
In his eyes
Emotions of hurt
Emotions of pain
Then I looked again to find
He needed another
To ease his hurt
And ease his pain
Yielding to his need
I looked at him with compassion
By showing I cared
Out of concern
I looked into his eyes
To let him know
I'm here even when it hurts
And even when it doesn't hurt

darker days seemed darker than nights
only seeing the past
but not what was ahead
I would find myself loosing sight of me
what really mattered
and what didn't matter

bouncing back would happen
but not until
i would find a way
out of my darkness

i would be inspired by another
and helped by another
to help me come out of my darker days
realizing that i had to see it to know it

good days are when moments stand out
but not alone
there are others to share it with
the good times
even in bad times we share with others
those we know
being there for us makes it easier to deal with
and bring us to better place during difficult moments

Miles apart
But cities away
Today?
A place where once we met
Some distance in time
Memories that never faded but lasted

Seemed to be?
Or meant to be a lifetime with you?
I couldn't tell!
Yet I think of you everyday
Reach out to you in every way
In ways that you might want
Not to bring you closer
But to show you love will conquer

may you find all that you want from this world
may you want more for others
as you always do
this says you Mark
a man with cause
a man with purpose

I'm caught between falling and rising again
But before I fell
I didn't fall
Because I stopped myself
From falling

Today I fell
And I have the cuts and bruises to prove it
But I couldn't get up
Because I needed help to do so

If I knew differently
Then I would say
I did it alone
But that wasn't true

apart from each other
distant their relationship would become
grew up as boys into
that friendship never died
now men of success
also men of achievements
with lives to call their own

i get up alone
and can't stand being alone
when i see you you fill me up
while i'm with you
the moment you depart from me
i start needing you
ever wondered why?
ever thought why?
your smile makes me smile
your laughter makes me laugh
your words say much
while your with me
when away from me
i miss you
sometimes i can't stand you
but i still know that i need you while in your presence

boy or girl?
we love!
male or female?
we love!
same *** or different sexes?
we love!
one or the other?
we love!

I'd hold him near
bear his children
a boy for me
and a girl for him

Today we're miles apart
but close at heart
near or far?
we are never apart

This year is not quite gone
But I am already at the end of it
Like you
Times and moments
May have tested you
Or even tried your ability to deal with challenges
Be it a test or a challenge
It prove to be fruitful or fruitless
One or the other?
I know I survived this year
With much agony, pain, and healing
Now I am at the point of recovery
I mean its' nearing it's end
Just like I thought it would

my life has been good to me
but it has been a difficult one for me
it has been a journey of reconciliation for me
one that i questioned as a child
and now as an adult i return to my past with dignity and respect for it
i now look upon it as questions i had that needed answers