I traveled many paths to me
to realize that I was always home
Because wherever I went
I took every experience with me
Until I realized I carried them with me

All the seasons have come
And brought many things with it
As well as many changes
My health improved,
I became stronger,
And found myself
Again!

2016 was but now it is almost gone
Not forgetting it
But remembering what it brought
Into my life

Now here comes 2017
Bringing more
Leading to what I had been planning
Taking effect
With the hopes off succeeding this coming year

darker days seemed darker than nights
only seeing the past
but not what was ahead
I would find myself loosing sight of me
what really mattered
and what didn't matter

bouncing back would happen
but not until
i would find a way
out of my darkness

i would be inspired by another
and helped by another
to help me come out of my darker days
realizing that i had to see it to know it

he made it clear what I should
a graceful beauty,
petite,
and perfectly flawless
for him
I didn't think it were possible
but now I know
because he knows I can do it for him

what I write you read
this makes me happy
knowing someone like you
responds to me

With much thoughts and ideas
To explore
I wonder which ones I should mention
Or write about today
I'm in limbo
Or am I not?
The sun is shining but it's very cold outside
As I write again I am thinking
But uncertain about how I feel
My best friend left the state
I lost my way somehow
Again!
What do I have to smile about?
You tell me

This year is not quite gone
But I am already at the end of it
Like you
Times and moments
May have tested you
Or even tried your ability to deal with challenges
Be it a test or a challenge
It prove to be fruitful or fruitless
One or the other?
I know I survived this year
With much agony, pain, and healing
Now I am at the point of recovery
I mean its' nearing it's end
Just like I thought it would

Last Christmas I didn't spend time with family
But with friends
This Christmas I'll do it with friends
Again!
Exchanging gifts,
Opening gifts,
And being thankful for all that I've gotten
I'll enjoy the Perneal ham my roommate will bake
Celebrate another roommate's birthday
All these things I'll do on Christmas Day

I made a mistake again
And this I vow I would never make it again
It's been three days since I last made the choice to do it
And I feel better knowing that I will not do it today
And I hope for the best tomorrow
I find that the bravest thing I can do for myself
Is not to do it again
And I mean it
Because I turn out to be a loser
Instead of a winner
Therefore, how many times will I loose before I win again?
I don't want to loose anymore
Then I'll stop for my sake
To become the winner by being brave

If I carried myself
I'd be alone
If I walked a path with someone
This would mean sharing in direction with another
Walking a path together
With the idea of achieving something of value
Together taking directions
Walking a pathway

When I wrote my book of poems
Friends helped
Because I didn't do it alone
They listened and listened
And heard what I written
To be sounding board
To help and help in every way
I could have asked for
When I needed it

I am neither in the dark nor am I in the light
Just in limbo
It may be at dusk or at dawn
The moment where I am at is the moment that exist
Words are few to come by
With so little to say
But so much that is unsaid
I wonder when will be that day

good days are when moments stand out
but not alone
there are others to share it with
the good times
even in bad times we share with others
those we know
being there for us makes it easier to deal with
and bring us to better place during difficult moments

I'll discover again
To know again
This time
What's unknown will be known
What's old is out
What's new is in
Tomorrow's news will be yesterday's news
Whereas today's news will today's news
Any point this?
Well!
If I were a bird with blue webbed feet
What would you think?
A bird with blue webbed feet?
Or a bird that has webbed feet that's the color blue?

Lost in myself
Lost in my past but not in my present
Because yesterday seemed to hold more for me
Whereas today I have what's left off yesterday
Why?
Past moments gave me more
That led me to this point
If I knew differently
I would say differently
As I remember I remind myself of that
Then today will bring what I'll hold on to tomorrow

It pours it rains
But when the rain stops
It is likely a rainbow appears
The rain cleans the air,
Gives plants water to grow,
And gives all animals water to drink for their survival
But it can be deadly with too much rain
But when the rainbow appears and dries us out
This is when we see we need them both

lost in time
but not lost in space
bewildered at times
from doing much for others and themselves
it shows that they are not selfish or self-centered

men of worth
men of love
men with values
as I know
are all men like this?

I wish and hope for all my needs and wants to be met
As I want all my dreams and aspirations to come through for me
As I pursue my life
In the direction in which I am heading
I know where I'm going
What my destination is
And when I'll get there
It will be the ****** to one journey I will travel
With many more to come
And many more journeys to travel
I'll go where I want
Get what I need
And conclude that there'll be even more than I expect or know off

this morning i awoke but torn inside
angered easily
distorted by reality
and I am even more angered with myself
i couldn't do what i want
then i decided i would write these words of my frustrations
I am isolated now
which brings even more alienation
but would i rather it this way?
I do not know
But i'd like to know
As i write i find myself
back to my space and own time
thanks to my keyboard

With mixed feelings and emotions
Once I couldn't understand them
Much less know what they meant
It felt like something was wrong within me
But today I've come to know
A little more about what they mean

They are my reactions of external influences
A natural reaction
A human reaction
Something not to be afraid off
But to help me realize that I'm normal
And only human

She stands tall even in difficult times
A? champion to us
A champion to all who know off her
A lady, a woman, and a friend to me
One person I've come to know
One person I've come to care for

She stands by you in difficult moments
As well as in difficult times
A winner at all times
Never a quitter

my life has been good to me
but it has been a difficult one for me
it has been a journey of reconciliation for me
one that i questioned as a child
and now as an adult i return to my past with dignity and respect for it
i now look upon it as questions i had that needed answers

I have a name that I've been given at birth
But I've seen others change theirs
Through marriage
But that privilege has not come my way
Yet I do not know why?

You may not know them
But I do
I want to reveal their names
But I'm hesitant
Why?
They are not selfish
Because they gave when I needed
And these two are Dr Andrew Ridgeley formerly of Wham now a doctor
And Dr Mark Schuller of Northern Illinois University

I met Andrew with George Michael
At that time Andrew saw how I felt
A little depressed and sad
I didn't know how he knew but he saw the sad expression on my face
And he looked at me with concern
As he would
He understood
I then would smile
Because someone saw and showed concern

Dr Mark Schuller was a professor
I came to admire
Came to be my mentor.

apart from each other
distant their relationship would become
grew up as boys into
that friendship never died
now men of success
also men of achievements
with lives to call their own

fifteen years, a decade ago
i held on
as i knew
your love
as i knew
your touch comforted me
while you love i missed
as when i held on
you loved

I turned 47
But I still feel the same
But look a lot different
From when I was 25

A valentine birthday meant more to celebrate
You would think?
But I realized others share this day
As something special too
So it wasn't my day only
But everyone else's
Too!!

Sometimes change feels like an interruption in itself.

I'm caught between falling and rising again
But before I fell
I didn't fall
Because I stopped myself
From falling

Today I fell
And I have the cuts and bruises to prove it
But I couldn't get up
Because I needed help to do so

If I knew differently
Then I would say
I did it alone
But that wasn't true

my pain was too much
too much even for painkillers to ease it
it felt good
while it lasted
smoking a joint was enough
or maybe even two
no one knew
but only myself
when i did it
Guess what?

I've hurt and hurt many times
it hasn't stopped me
Yet?
but is has slowed me down
but I get up
get out of bed
face my world
bring myself to healing
until I fail
some hours later
I try healing again
this time I get it right
I take some painkillers
Soak in warm water
Get out!
dry myself
and go back to bed to heal some more
I then hope for the best the next day

once torn
once happy
once sad
once it was unknown how I felt to myself
but then I found out something about myself
a friend would say to me
you are a woman of emotions and feelings
you are supposed to know your feelings
as you learn what they are
then I would come to know what I felt

i dreamt of birds
in a large cage
that appeared red, green, yellow, blue, or pink?
seemingly disturbed by something
that i thought they needed to escape

a moment later i felt something dropped on me in my dream
as i opened my eyes in this dream
i saw one of the birds on me
one that would die

it was unclear what this meant
but i felt there were too many birds in that cage
had i not awaken from this dream
i would have opened the cage and set them free

My eyes couldn't see
until I saw your rainbow
such sad eyes
take a turn
show courage
you find courage
when you find your strengths
weaknesses you had
but that didn't last long
until you showed your colors

Discontentment beyond belief
But as blue as a sapphire sky
I could guess
But it seemed as though I was the only one that saw
In his eyes
Emotions of hurt
Emotions of pain
Then I looked again to find
He needed another
To ease his hurt
And ease his pain
Yielding to his need
I looked at him with compassion
By showing I cared
Out of concern
I looked into his eyes
To let him know
I'm here even when it hurts
And even when it doesn't hurt

my teeth grit at the sound of your footsteps
before you appear
you run like I don't know
you speak like a little boy
all these things make me mad
because of you

i get up alone
and can't stand being alone
when i see you you fill me up
while i'm with you
the moment you depart from me
i start needing you
ever wondered why?
ever thought why?
your smile makes me smile
your laughter makes me laugh
your words say much
while your with me
when away from me
i miss you
sometimes i can't stand you
but i still know that i need you while in your presence

this year has past
i didn't fail or struggle
i kept my friends
because i know who my friends are
came out darkness
had highs and some lows
but all in all
i survived

History seemed unknown to me
But I guessed what it might be
Until I learnt
The people of Ferguson Misouri reacted to a child's death
Civil rights violated
While another died at the hands of others mishandling
The situation
Then sometime three days ago
Boommh!
Their gunned down while eating
Whose wrong?
Whose right?
When is it right?
Why is it wrong or right?
Death is the loss of lives
Not a game

I remember celebrating Christmas as a child
but not doubting its significance
but only realizing it was a time I loved most
Getting gifts,
the smell of fruit cakes being baked,
the smell of pine cones
I remember sneaking a drink of red wine
Having ginger beer to drink
As a West Indian child would

I feel sad
I feel empty
I feel unwanted
I long for my friends
The true ones

Oh!
How untrue?
The misery will return
If I return to it
Using could become the cause
For numbing the light
Allowing the darkness in
Then the confusion
Then the misery
Then the pain

dipping, soaring. swerving
with sounds of their symphony
which they could only know
I hear, I listen
I see, I believe
with so few words to say
I wish I could say more

You are far away
My love
The man of my dreams
The man for me

I want to know you
As I try
When you are happy tell me?
When you are sad let me know?
When you are down tell me so?
Distance is only a keyboard away
For you to let me know
What you think
And what you feel
Words can say
Words can express
Then use it
And use it as you will

I had lost sight of what's real
what's good
but I've risen above my misfortunes
a struggle?
but what a wonderful life it is  
I've come to know
but not without darkness
but also with light in darkness

as one said pen and paper becomes our friends
when there's no one else
we write our innermost thoughts
that no one should know
it could be about love, hate, anger, or even our frustrations
but once said it becomes shared on paper
sometimes we let others know
and sometimes we don't

yesterday I thought to myself
how cold it is?
then I said to myself
oh!
how I long the warm rays of sunlight on my skin?
a longing I hadn't felt during summer
but now in winter
but believe me I don't have seasonal affective disorder

Sometimes I think they're like enemy
just aiming to bite my head off
for what?
when I do something
they do not like
this happens

but when I need them
they're always there
when I need
this I didn't know
until I found out

may you find all that you want from this world
may you want more for others
as you always do
this says you Mark
a man with cause
a man with purpose

once lost?
once hurt?
then I decided I would contact you
reveling in thoughts
what am I to say?
what will I say?
what would I say?

I entered your doors prepared to say
but the look on your face
said you needed me not words
how cold I could have been to you?
only to realize that i needed you too

then we sat down to start
where you began
I listened and heard
but your words said more of you
than of me
realizing you were telling me
you needed me
while I needed you