A war no one wins;
Frustration is a fever,
swelling from within

I will continue to come from a place where my intentions are set to understand and seek clarity; never to condemn nor reject a certain perspective, but to be open and receptive; especially, to change.

“I’d rather be optimistic and wrong than pessimistic and right” —Elon Musk

Narrowing the gap
when the space between feels grand
Need not waiver, now

When I push, you pull
The distance between us grows
Please don’t let me go

Say something for once
Please don’t leave me here to guess
If I mean that much

toss away the memory of me in a disheveled mess of cleanliness—

like a lost treasure, bury me in your bedside drawer.

No one will know that I once stood here
Lets be clear...

I was never at home with you.

So when you feel frantic and lost and you’re searching for the things that help you disassociate, instead of finding that thing or two, you’ll find me, staring back at you.

When did I become one with the machine?
My body’s lost its meaning.
When did my pieces become parts?
It’s such a grimy feeling.
Not a single original thought—
Just an animation,
turned on by the input of systematic oppression
My output; just regurgitation
Anxiety and crippling depression
Time constrained by the weight of the world
Do you feel the pressure?
And you already know this
Foraging for focus
Keep your thoughts in sync
Close your eyes and listen,
but don’t forget to breathe
Your mind’s eye is preoccupied with patterns on repeat
They call it groupthink
Whoop, whoop
Thought police
Loop, spiral, fractal
Segregated sentiment seeking your sentience
Coagulate and listen
Maybe its madness or
maybe it’s ******* progress
Reel it in, just breathe, don’t regress
Ya gotta feel the feeling
Let it be,
Fleeting
Because you’re what’s real
So feel your heart,
Beating
Now ease your mind
You have to remember to forget
it’s just the grind
and you gotta play along sometimes

Yeah, you're pretty great;
You're the life of the party!
But it's in my head. . .

I imagine
your gaze is fixed toward outer-space, your face is moonlit, and I'm convinced you're heaven sent

I imagine my back is pressed against your chest and I'm safe in your arms

I imagine, when you breathe, a breath touches my neck, awaking every cell in my body

I imagine you could say, I'm excited by you.

I imagine you ignite the flames that forge the sun; and thus, release the slowly seeping and fervent energy. . .

Meaning, I'd imagine, you're the reason for my being, each and every day

the universe speaks in synchronicity
and I imagine our minds do dance around the thought—

to trace each-other's existence; to transcend space-time, guided by the fingertips

to experience the depths of sentience; it's an exploration of creation, the very allure putforth by grand design

And I imagine, that while we reach for the stars, your eyes would match mine

And in an explosion of discovery, you extinguish what it feels to be lonely

And I imagine that's why
You're my one and only
evermore

I've lost all pretense
my walls are wearing thin now
there's nowhere to hide

Honey catches flies;
So gently coat all you sow
Smile, diamond eyes

Don't try to change me
You're never gonna save me
You can't save yourself

They drop like flies I tell ya-
can't contain the pressure,
eruptions fused by anger;
frustration...
but rather than seek an explanation,
the assumptions over take them-
everybody suffers now. . .
what an awkward situation ?

to partake in such petty things . .
is to deny the soul and its awakenings . .
a waste of time and energy I tell ya-
and there's nothing worse
than feelings hurt, ignorance, and
being a ****

so have patience, be kind,
remain strong, and put the past behind,
always move forward, and seek truth
for there are many possibilities within our youth
to learn from, and be living proof
that this too shall pass

There's so much more to life than broken hearts
and senseless strife...

What do I feel, if I even feel at all?
I'm ashamed and quite frankly, I'm confused.

No longer would I want to question
what is already known to be true. . .
yet where is thy confirmation?
'tis an ode past due

there are glimpses
of which I can't quite catch
where I linger
and now find
caught in this beautiful,  
intricately woven web of loneliness—

m̷y̷s̷e̷l̷f̷

irreprehensible state
becomes constrained
and ridden with angst
incomprehensible dealings
with endless halls
and no ceilings
drowned out
by the sound
of silence
I cannot speak
for one must look within
to find their peace
otherwise
faced with fate
brain overload
we detonate-
forever yielding
and there;
never revealing,
it remains
lying in wait
within the maze
to take us back
from whence we came

Take the pain away
Wash it from your face
Erase the days of questioning your own self worth

Unbutton your shirt
Lower your skirt
Grace the earth with your body
And bare your soul to the world
Be anything but unforgiving of yourself

You are more than your scars for
They are merely affirmations
Of a path well traveled on
And you wear them well

Don't let anyone tell you different
Just be the difference between then and now

Be unapologetically thankful that you are never alone when you're at home with yourself

Shower yourself with love,
Beyond limit,
Because you deserve it

2018 was an extremely tough year for me. I've been through some unfathomable things in my life, but last year was by far one of the most trying.

I learned that boundaries are important and more people should practice establishing and respecting them.

I learned that ultimatums aren't love. If someone cared for you, they would be understanding in their approach to your existence.

I learned that people are going to do what they want to do regardless and the only thing you can do is be a positive force or influence that stands along side someone else in their trying time.

I learned that it is important to always strive to forgive because it relinquishes another person's control over yourself and your emotions. Forgiveness isn't for the person that hurt you, it's for your own peace of mind.

I learned that it's easier to sleep at night when I did everything I could.

I realized that it's okay to have bad days, it's okay to ask for help, I don't have to be so ******* myself, and I deserve the best because I refuse to settle for less.

Where there is a rhyme there is a reason. There is always a reason, even if we aren't aware of it yet. You can't force the truth to come to light. You can only slowly open your eyes. It is with the understanding of time that you may find deliverance.

What if I told you that...

my brother, well he's older than me
but he has a mental disability
he isn't like you and me
he learns, thinks, and acts differently
so at 23, he's a little brother to me

and growing up, a little brother he was . . .
THE MOST OBNOXIOUS THING ON THE PLANET
always taking things without asking!
THREE YEARS I NEVER GOT TO EAT MY HALLOWEEN CANDY, THREE YEARS.
and there's no telling how he found it because by that age
I had him beat in hide and go seek like no bodies business
EXCEPT THE TIME I ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT OUT ALIVE
he turned the dryer on while me and my poodle, baby-girl, were still inside

but even that isn't as bad as the time
HE COMPLETELY ERASED POKEMON GOLD AFTER I BEAT THE ELITE FOUR.... man ~
I CRIED AND I CRIED AND I CRIED AND I CRIED AND I CRIED  until there were tears no more

and

No more did I want to watch dragon ball z, no more
No more did I want to play another card game of yu-gi-oh, no more, not after that whole debockle, no!
I didn't want to play hide and go seek and I definitely did not want to go trick-or-treat

"You're too big to receive any candy" the neighbors would say as they shut the door in his face
and as he walked back, tears in his eyes, confused in his super hero disguise as to why he got denied

It was then that I realized I was growing older and even though he could be the biggest pain in my neck, he's my brother.

so, to me it was as if I had to protect him, from then on out,
to look after and defend him,
to guard against all the rude comments and hateful tauntings
the other kids would try to impress upon him

It was then I became the rubber that stuck to his shoes, that kept his feet placed firmly upon the ground
So he would know how to stand up for himself

because it was then I watched my mother tell that lady to try again
and when she came back, in one hand, she carried a bag of candy and in the other, a bag of apologies

oh and it was then that I knew
when she wasn't around, I would be
and that it was up to me to be his rock and not to roll
in and out of his life like everyone and everything else
that out grows him

IT WAS THEN THAT I KNEW

I just had a realization. I was just as lonely then, with you, as I am now. The good days just distracted me from the time I held your gun to my mouth.

Oh the wayward motion that these celestial bodies tend to circumvent!
Do you take the time to analyze or ever wonder why?
A double edge sword, capable of discerning the heart’s intent
Might you care to venture there soon?

through crossed wires and code
yielding insight or an invite of some kind
with pictures, quotes, and anecdotes
Do you read between the lines?

Might I be the mirror that reflects your soul
Might I be the receiver of the light that guides you home
Might I be the kind of lady you’d want to pride around
Or Might I be a distant noise-- a sort of solemn sound

The way you shape your words, the thoughts you choose to speak
The many times you chose to share the inner-workings of your being
You plant a seed of hope, you give me life to breath

And even though you don’t think so, you’re quite a fantastic beast

there is no where to hide when
under pale moon light

and when rolling in the deep
there are no lies, no falsities

for you can see right through me,
and I through you

like a kitten with a spool of thread
you spark my heart evermore

with your little quirks, and comments,
your opinions, and open ended topics

oh and yet, you're a marvelously beautiful creature,
with your flawless curvatures, and features

you're darling, just darling
all the way around, inside and out

and when laying next to you,
as you run your fingers through my hair

not a single worry bothers my pretty little head,
not a single care

oh, so long as you're there...

The clouds display a distant array of elegant imagery, blanketing the sky, and engaging my mind in perfect solidarity.

As the sun nears the end of day, a goodnight's kiss will linger on the horizon— with shades of amber, blue, pink, and lavender...

An orchestra of songs unsung will dance on the night's tongue in reverberating melodies..

And if you listen, carefully, you just might come to understand it's gravity.

So, the day the devil met me...
he was dressed pretty funny
and he uh,
he had this stupid smile,
and he saw mine was broken;
so he, so he asked me to stay for awhile

and for awhile, I danced to his tune,
I harmonized with his melodies,
fell in love with his obscenities, and his lyrical,
complex identities

and for awhile, I made excuses-
I thought, not all are to be for not
everyone makes mistakes, and
who am I to refute against them,
when we all must learn through them

and for awhile, I believed in second chances
which lead to two, three, and even a seventh
because I was taught to forgive and I thought,
that's what that meant

and for awhile, I was hell bent and broken,
thought all was lost, all was stolen, blamed
others for my own emotions, and lost myself in all of the commotion

and for awhile, the hate ran deep,
the anger- steep, sleep was non-existent
my mind- incognisant, and my soul **** near diminished
I was waring thin, knee high in my own cesspool of sin

and for awhile, I had no where to turn
I was forced to eat ****, praying that I'd learn,
and eventually, hopefully claw my way out of this pit,
this pit of self-inflicted loneliness

oh and for awhile, he had me by the tail,
a quick wit I thought I was
but apparently, not nearly enough

I gave up, I lost faith, I settled for what I thought I deserved
when I should have been fighting for what I believed in, the very passion that burns within
I allowed something to exist and play on my mental like a mother ******* fiddle

when I am and nothing more

and so, it was not all for not but merely a confirmation that I am, that I can~

and to forgive is not to forget but to forgive is to change the perspectives while forgetting loses the lessons

Hold the ones who matter close..
Be sure they know, they matter most, because as the tides change, the puzzle pieces rearrange..

And it's so easy to forget what pieces connect to what part or— what even caused the initial spark that gave you the courage to paint the picture in the first **** place.

Why ignite the flame that burns so brightly behind your eyes, if you're not willing to compromise?

It's easy to blame and to remember blunder, but it's much, much harder to forgive the martyr. We live, we coincide, yet we deny the existence of inequality. We strive to live and let live, but forget the importance of strength in the structure between one another.

There is an exhilerance, or sort of ignorant bliss, in tolerance, but there's something entirely ineffable about that which accompanies the tenacity that we understand to be love.

The purposeful intent to forgive, to love beyond the depths of humanity's innate ability to err, is a feat I strive to emit in my fleeting, flicker of a lifetime. Do you not seek the same?

And as I envision the least desirable of decisions, I falter at the thought of never knowing what could have been. I will forever defend the foundation we built, with impressions, expressing the very values we defined in earlier times.

And I refuse to linger, lost inside my thoughts and allow you to berate the meanings we made, but rather, manifest the very best of visions; a place made up entirely of better decisions.