A brief flash
Of brown
And blue
I saw her
She saw me too

I didn't mean to look
To stare?

But in that moment
We were both
In err

I bite my cheek and pinch my arm
In a place that mom cant see

“Why are you so pissy today?”
“You’re such a drag to be around
when you act like this”
She says

“sorry”
I say
Instead of the retort that comes to my mind:
‘So are you on the days you’re mad,
When you’re done with everyone’s ****’

But i know that will earn me an even bigger glare
A clenching of teeth
And a good ol’ grounding

So i sit quietly brooding and fuming and say simply
“sorry”

sorry im not good enough for you
sorry i have feelings unlike you
sorry im
not
enough

“How are you?”
Asks my good friend via text
“Pretty good hbu” i reply with vision blurred from tears
The marks i clawed into my arm still burning

“Dinner’s ready!”
Yells someone upstairs
“I’ll be up in a sec!”
I reply
Hastily pulling down my sleeve
and wiping away the messy makeup around my eyes

‘Whelp’
I think to myself
‘I hope they dont notice’

They dont
And if they do they dont mention it
For which im grateful

I dont feel like launching into a discussion that typically ends with me a blubbering mess

Anytime we have that discussion anyway

I know we need another one,
But i just cant bring myself to reveal anything
That might make them think somethings wrong with me

So for now ill just
Smile
And keep saying
“sorry”

The worst kind of crying
Is when you don’t realize it’s happening
Until it’s too late to stop

The tears flowing down your cheeks
Like a river
Down your neck
Down your shirt
Until they reach your broken heart

The gentle slide of a pen
Is far more pleasing to me
Than the metal skRITCH ScreECH
Of a mechanical pencil.

I keep and treasure my pens,
As they are each unique
And hard to replace
While pencils are a dime a dozen.

Pencils are easily lost
And I’m always in the want for more,
For better
As though they don’t fulfil their purpose to me.

I dislike the infidelity of a pencil,
The fact that anything done can be undone with a stroke from the other end
Erased, just like that.
Unlike the reality of a pen.

Once something is set in motion with a pen,
There is no going back.

As the ocean breaks
And palm trees sway,
In the peaceful morning
Of a new day,

I sit and listen to the black birds’ songs
Of joy and life
That do not long
For the freedom they already have.

The birds back home sing a different tune,
They chatter and screech to fill the gloom
And damp dark chill of a winter’s noon,
(at least to me that is)

But as I sit here by the beach,
Feeling the calmness and the peace
Of this wondrous, quiet space,
I can’t help but to grin,

For to be where the people are kind,
And orchids smell sweet,
Where the air is hot,
(but a good kind of heat),

Was simply,
Truly,
Wonderful.

Energy rushing
             Adrenaline humming
             Sweat dripping

No one on the street
Hear that beat
Pump that pedal
Feel that beat

             Air rushing
             Engine humming
             Rain dripping

Alive is the night

The music
              Throbbing/thrumming

So loud
                             Brazen beat
                             Boiling blood
             Feverish

Alive is the night

                      As am I

Beautiful...
              Is this music coming from my computer
As i struggle (unsuccessfully) to do my homework
And not be engulfed by the sheer radiant nature of this
          Beautiful
                     Music

It’s under my skin,
         I can feel it in my blood
                     And in my head even after i take the earbuds out
               It’s stuck up there,
                          Calming me down,
                          Slowing my thoughts,
                          My mind,
                          My heart

            Lifting my soul to a better place,
Filled with the shy and curious creatures
     That appear in my mind’s eye when i listen…

I could listen to this forever
       The overlapping melodies tease my thoughts
                 Away from the disasters of the day
                               And to more pleasing things,
                                                  The world of winking lights and soft edges

             How long have i been listening?
       I don’t know or care enough to question it too much…
It’s getting late,
                   And i should stop and go to bed…
                         But…
                                         I want to keep listening…

I could get lost in this magical place
                               I have been getting lost in this place,
              And it’s a wondrous place to explore...

        The music soothes my weary mind...
Filling me with a sense of
                                Joy...
                                And contentment…
                   A kind of feeling i hadn’t had in far too long

i can see my lacy blue veins
beneath my skin

i can see them
on my eyelids
when i close one eye
and tilt my head

so delicate
and fragile
and strangely pretty
in their own way

i can see them in other places too
dripping down my wrist
running down my leg
in my elbows
and thighs

a constant reminder
of the life flowing through me,
though i may not recognize it
all of the time

Rubbing my bleary eyes
Staring at my computer screen
Scrolling down
Scrolling back up (i couldnt remember what id just read)
Sigh
Breathe
Type a few words
So much to do
Back to reading
Scrolling down
Scroling back up (i couldnt remember what id just read)
So little time
Type a few words
Sigh
Scrubbing my we epy eyes
So tired
Breaathe
Cant finish
Glaring at my computor screen
Scrlling down
Scrolling down
Scrolling back up (cant remeber what id just read)
Have to finishe
Type a few sentances
So close
Back t oreading
Scroling down
Scrolling
Typeing  a more sentancess
Almost
So tired
Kneading my sleapy eys
theere
Sigh
Tpe the slat sentanc
Andd

Done.

“What do you even have to worry about?”

“High school was so fun!
Why do you say you hate it?
Don’t be so dramatic.”

They tell me.
But then they go on, after they see my grades

“You’re not even trying!
Just study harder!
Oh, but you can’t take normal classes, no.
We want you to take all honors.
Honors classes are better for you.”

“You have a D in College Algebra??
That’s unacceptable.
You’re grounded.
Until you can get your score up, of course.”

Is what they tell me.
You wonder why I hate school?
It’s because it *****.
It teaches you that if you make mistakes you’re worthless.
And If you don’t get that letter up to an A you won’t get into a good college,
You won’t get a good job,
You won’t earn good money,
You won’t be able to live,
Not that (dare I say) a fourth of us even want to.

Did you know,
That the average kid in high school has the same level of anxiety
As the average insane asylum patient in the 1950’s?

It’s a ******* problem.

And don’t read an article about it,
Written by a Millennial,
Read by a Baby Boomer,
About the problems of a generation
That they don’t know.

I’m sick of it.

What do I have to worry about?

I have to worry about my future.
I have to worry about it every waking hour of my life.
I have to stress,
And agonize,
And internally SCREAM about it.

Because of how hard it is.

And I can’t “live in the present,”
Because I have no time
To do trivial things (without feeling like a failure).

I have no time,
To get the “eight hours of sleep your child needs” every night,
Because I’m doing homework,
Or crying,
Or procrastinating,
Because I know I can’t do it.
I just can’t make myself.

And I wish they’d be a little less disappointed in me,
Because It’ll never compare to how disappointed I am in myself.

ugh i do not have the time for this
the will for this
the decency for this
not now
im too tired
of all this *******
this sadness
bleakness
the never-ending existential crisis
dont text me now
i wont answer
i dont want another spiral
into the darkness
well…
maybe i shouldnt call it
“the darkness”
thats cliche and stupid
lets call it
“the creepy basement youve always been secretly afraid of thats inside your head”
or maybe
“the space under your bed that you just cant block or cover up no matter what you do”
yeah
thats much better
way more descriptive than
“the darkness”
but i dont want any more of that tonight
so dont be mad when i dont answer

...sorry
i just
cant do it tonight

Doing homework left and right,
Ha! No, i’m not “fine”
Working my *** off all the time--
I’ve got no time!

No time for these video games
All the “kids these days are playin’”
I ain’t got the time of day
And i’m just here saying--

Why do we have to do this?
Do you understand the strain
The stress
You do daily to our brains?

And THEN
You accuse us of being lazy
Selfish, stupid
You’re driving me crazy!

Don’t we deserve at least
A little (grudging) respect
Being ABLE to cope AT ALL (not all of us can...)
What more do you expect?

Do you expect us to just be “fine”
Every time you ask?
Because we’re not
Not with all these endless tasks.

It ******* ***** TO BE A TEENAGER
In this day and age
And I, at least, would appreciate it
If all these people talking trash about kids my age

Would just stop
Because we’re not “in your day” anymore
And I’m not “fine”
And school, (to be perfectly honest) is just a bore.

I wish i hadn’t thought about you
      Quite so much
             The way you listened
           And made me feel important
    And talked to me
For all the wrong reasons

When you lost interest
     In me
              For being me
Not the shell of who i used to be
    I was crushed
          And angry
              With you
              And myself
              And her

I felt i had to hurt
    For you to talk to me
               To look at me
               To be my friend
The way you used to be
         When i was broken and hurting inside

A paragraph of thought would invoke a single worded reply
                 Or two
       Because you was always busy
Busy with your school
Busy with your girlfriend
      And had no time for me,
                                    Your fixer upper friend                                                      

And when you left
        And stopped caring
                Lost interest,
                         I suppose

I was devastated
        That my anchor had left me
To be with more sunny skies
                     Rather than these howling bitter winds

So i wish i hadn’t thought about you
          Quite so much
                     The way you listened
                And made me feel important
         And talked to me
For all the wrong reasons
            After you left

I just wish i hadn’t wasted precious moments of my life
                                           Over you

So tired
                            Of what?
I dont know
Im so e m  p      t         y
Its s
       u
          f
              f
                 o
                      c
                            a
         ­                           t
                                    ­          i
                                                     ­            n
                                                               ­                                            g
Not the hard and harmful kind
Just soft and gentle
         Muffling reality
                     Blurring the edges
I can barely breathe
     Or relate
To anyone
Thats my friend down the hall
     Better look down
I dont want to talk
               Dont take it personally
Im just too tired to think
      To breathe
      To talk
I cant focus
Cant open my mouth
My hands tremble
But my eyes are hard and staring
                                                         ­    Rude.
         Im not looking at you
Im just lost in space
                        In the             e m p t y             void

It’s so quiet
         In my room
                    In my bed
       The darkness soft and inviting

Pulling me into the gentle abyss of unknowing
           That reprieve from the hard reality
                       That is living
                                 Thinking
                                      Feeling

Not that it’s a bad thing

        But now it’s time for the lovely velvet silence
In my cramped up head
                And the darkness of my eyelids to turn to the bursting luscious color

Of a dream

I wonder what I’ll blame it on this time.
       Thorns in the woods?
No… they’re too high up for that.
                  Maybe I just tripped and fell?
Nah. That’s just stupid
                            What about the cat?
…
                                                 That might work

They’ll have to heal and fade before I let my parents see them…
                                 I guess they’ll find out the truth sooner or later.
              I don’t want to drag them into this
I don’t want them to treat me differently…
                            I definitely don’t want to tell the therapist.

But the way things are going…

                                              May end badly...

                                             If i’m not careful.

                      Something needs to change,
        But I don’t want it to.
I don’t want to see the disappointment and fear
                              In their faces
                              In their voices

I don’t want them to treat me like i’m going to break at the slightest touch
          I don’t want them to worry about me
                                   They have enough to worry about.

                                            I just have to be careful,          
     And maybe everything will turn out ok.

                                                     I hope it will.

sometimes i feel like i should empathize more with people.
sometimes i just don't feel
what i think i should be feeling.

i don't seem to get excited anymore.
when something good happens,
i find myself thinking,
why am i not happy?

i don't know the answer, of course,
i don't know why i'm like this,
i wish i wasn't.

but here we are,
and there's nothing to be done.

no reason to mope about the change
ill just have to deal with it,
somehow