I feel as though I
May be the biggest fake I know.
Perfecting the art
Of acting like I know what I'm doing when
Self doubt clouds my
Thoughts until I fall apart. But
Every time I think of how lucky I am I
Realize I worked hard for this.

I think of you often
Do you think of me too?
You're probably just busy
I don't want to bother you.

I find myself reaching
For the friendship we had
But I'm left grasping at nothing
And this makes me sad.

Our talks lately are empty,
Shallow and subdued
I don't know what I've done
To make our friendship come unglued

I think of you often
Do you think of me too?
I just want to say
I'll always be here for you.

The words come to me late at night
While I lay in bed, I can't help but
Let myself sink into the absence of light...
And into the mattress.

This is when I miss you.
Okay, that isn't true,
But after a long day
Be it happy or sad,
I realize I can't call
To tell you what kind of day I had.

The words come to me late at night
The ones to tell you that I'm alright
And that I just might
Have found happiness.

In order to be successful does one need to be lonely?
It feels like that sometimes.
When did we start having conversations that
Only consist of complaining?
Why can't we proudly talk of our hard earned accomplishments
And be met with sincere interest?
I love hearing about people's lives! The hardships they've overcome,
The rewards they've worked so hard for.
But when I've finally achieved the dream
That I've worked 8 longs years for,
The lackluster responses I get are:
"Cool"
"Awesome"
"Oh, nice".
...
No questions, because they're not interested
A light-hearted "I'm happy for you", means they really aren't
And a fading friendship because I'm busy making something of
Myself.

Am I the only one
That loves others this much?
This instantly?
This intensely

I miss the days when we were young
And inseparable.
Friendships meant more.

I feel like I never grew out of those friendships
But they grew out of me.

All I want is for someone to text me all the time,
Invite me out all the time,
Just want to be in my presence and hang out.
Is this selfish?

I give and I give.
Until there's nothing left
But the wondering if I'm even
A good friend to have.

I have all these pictures
Of us smiling,
But I didn't know
They would be the only ones.

You accepted me for who I was,
I loved all your flaws,
We were inseparable
Together, we took on our teenage years.

We had dreams
To escape an inescapable town
And avoid unavoidable futures
But I'm the only one that left.

You stayed behind
Though I begged you not to
And shunned me for my desire
To grow.

We were supposed to grow
Old together
But instead we grew
A    p   a    r   t     together.

They tell me I look tired.
"Did you get enough sleep?"
"Yes".
(No).

The exhaustion I feel,
Masked with a smile.
Fake enthusiasm
Hides my haunted gaze.

They'll never know
The nightmare that terrorized me
Only to wake in the arms of my love
Broken.

Meditation, medication
It doesn't make a difference.
I wake from a fitful 8 hours
With jaw pain and a foggy mind.

Then put on a smile
As a part of my outfit.
And try to pretend that I didn't
Cry myself awake.

The past few years have been nothing
But getting pushed down
And somehow standing back up.
I don't know how I do it, really.

It's like a never-ending storm
And I don't have a raincoat.
But walking along, soaking wet
Is soothing now.

Even when thoughts of death
Clouded my vision
And I sought help
I was turned down.

How did I survive?

I'm here,
I'm alive,
I'm trying to live my best life
I'm trying to be the best version of "me".

That's all any of us can do, right?

So I brush the dirt from my knees,
Wipe my hands on my pants
And continue about my day.

By the way, I'm
Feeling sad, alone, depressed, anxious,
Frantic, and seeking medication.
But you wouldn't know, you've
Forgotten me. Lost in your domestic bliss.
Friends get out of sync sometimes.
But I'm not blaming you.
Friends
Forever

Right?

Where has your passion gone?
Is it buried down deep?
Are you only letting it out
In the safety of your sleep?

I'm tired love,
Of being your energy.
Find something that fuels you
Since I fear it's not me.

I wish I could ignite the flame
That you've let die
But I'm holding wet matches
That refuse to dry.

Please dear,
Just try...

Drown your sorrows in music,
It hits you faster than any drug ever could.

My mind feels sick
Filled to the brim with self sabatoge
And a non-commital attitude.

Tears right on the edge
Of running down my cheek
And I say "running"
Because even they want to get away from me.

Then there's that exhaustion again
A sour feeling on my temples
And sore eyes from looking in the mirror.

Asking the big questions
I get nowhere
Will I ever find the answer
To why I can't let myself be happy?

Stale cigarettes
Is the smell of my childhood.
And how burnt out am I
To feel nostalgic at that scent.

It was all carefree
As I played with fire
And I still had you
To call my friend.

But the fire quickly
Consumed us
And our lives
Went up in smoke.

I took your picture every winter
And in the summer it would melt.

I held the pieces in my hands
So you'd understand how I felt.

You said the ice has kept you safe
From the pain shone from above.

Until (me) the sun had come to earth
and showed you how to love.

"He's been having trouble sleeping again. But then he realizes he's been laying in the dark with his eyes open."

The thing about living with ghosts is,
You still feel so alone.

Getting inked soon
To remember you.
A stain on my skin
Because the one on my heart
Was wiped clean
When you left.

The holidays are empty.
But let's be honest,
I am too.

Because all I want
For Christmas
Is to spend time with you.

I've been keeping my hair short
Because you liked it long,
And I'm not strong enough
To relive the feeling I got
When you ran your hands through it.

So I'll continue to cut off
The ends that are dead
Because you are too
And it makes me feel closer to you
Somehow.

I'd walk 1,000 miles
Just to find myself
On top of a mountain
Far away from home.

I'd walk 1,000 miles
Just to find you
On top of a mountain
Waiting for me.

I'd walk 1,000 miles
Just to to escape the world.
On top of a mountain
I would find peace.

I'd walk 1,000 miles
And then I'd walk 1,000 more.