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Nov 2020 · 151
Apathetic AF
Kelly Hogan Nov 2020
It's like I'm living in small moments of
Other people's happiness.
But who's really 'happy' these days?
Useless ramblings of the numbness that only seems to grow.
Oct 2020 · 676
E
Kelly Hogan Oct 2020
E
I am empty,
Out of gas
On a forgotten road
I've reached an impasse.
I feel nothing, I am nothing, what's the point anymore.
Aug 2020 · 677
Musings of Moths
Kelly Hogan Aug 2020
I was told long ago
That my light would attract others.
Maybe that's why I love moths so much.
Fluttering in and out of lives, maybe I am the light and a moth.
Dec 2019 · 309
20/20
Kelly Hogan Dec 2019
I hope tomorrow
I wake up
From 2019
Like it was all
A bad dream.
One of the most heart breaking, soul shattering years I've ever experienced. Good thing there's therapy
Dec 2019 · 239
Dead Dreams
Kelly Hogan Dec 2019
Why are we told
Our whole lives
To chase our dreams
When dreams don't exist
And if they do
They just die.
How unfair.
Jun 2019 · 272
Cursed
Kelly Hogan Jun 2019
I am cursed to live
Only in small increments
Of happiness
While the rest of my days
Are filled with the loss
Of friends, jobs, and hope.
Is it worth it? Does the good ever outweigh the bad? Or does life keep you in a torturous balance?
May 2019 · 241
Anchor
Kelly Hogan May 2019
I didn't know
That the loss of you
Would stay weighted
Like an anchor on my heart.
And on the days I'm not strong enough
To keep it hoisted
It would come crashing down,
Dragging me into the depths of
Despair.
May 2019 · 523
Wishful Thinking
Kelly Hogan May 2019
I wish someone had told me
To never get my hopes up
Because then they come crashing down
And you only have yourself to blame.
Nothing is ever good enough.
May 2019 · 623
Expiration Date
Kelly Hogan May 2019
It appears I have an expiration date
Tattooed on my back
That screams "10 years"
And you were keeping track.
What am I doing wrong?
Mar 2019 · 320
Equals
Kelly Hogan Mar 2019
One step forward
=
Two steps away
From you.
I don't know why we grow apart. Am I different? Are you? I wish I had the answer.
Feb 2019 · 646
Boo
Kelly Hogan Feb 2019
Boo
I am a ghost
Destined to hover
In the lives of others
Always unseen.

I am transparent
So that you may see my truth
But instead you're aloof
To my advances.

I am a tiny moment
In your existence
Met only with resistance
Or disregard.

I am a ghost
But I am not scary,
Just wary
Of fading away completely.
Jan 2019 · 302
Living Nightmare
Kelly Hogan Jan 2019
When the "dream job" isn't so dreamy anymore...
I'm so lost.
Jan 2019 · 507
Death can be so unfair...
Kelly Hogan Jan 2019
How was I supposed to be aware
That our time was running out.
But really we are born with expiration dates so why am I surprised.
Jan 2019 · 184
The Imposter
Kelly Hogan Jan 2019
I feel as though I
May be the biggest fake I know.
Perfecting the art
Of acting like I know what I'm doing when
Self doubt clouds my
Thoughts until I fall apart. But
Every time I think of how lucky I am I
Realize I worked hard for this.
Imposter "syndrome" "experience", etc. I can't see what they saw in me when I accepted my dream job. I only hope I don't ***** this up.
Dec 2018 · 194
Small
Kelly Hogan Dec 2018
Today I feel small,
Smaller than the pebble
Beneath your shoe.

I didn't know I'd fall,
Crumble at the criticism
Delivered by you.

It made me question it all,
Wonder if I have what it takes
To see this job through.

I need to learn to stand tall,
Not take it so personally
But that's not such an easy thing to do.
Must be the holidays, full moon, etc. Today was a rough day.
Dec 2018 · 169
Untitled
Kelly Hogan Dec 2018
Soft hearts may fold
In a perilous world
But never fully break.
Empathy is not a weakness
Dec 2018 · 1.1k
Often
Kelly Hogan Dec 2018
I think of you often
Do you think of me too?
You're probably just busy
I don't want to bother you.

I find myself reaching
For the friendship we had
But I'm left grasping at nothing
And this makes me sad.

Our talks lately are empty,
Shallow and subdued
I don't know what I've done
To make our friendship come unglued

I think of you often
Do you think of me too?
I just want to say
I'll always be here for you.
Sep 2018 · 393
Good Night
Kelly Hogan Sep 2018
The words come to me late at night
While I lay in bed, I can't help but
Let myself sink into the absence of light...
And into the mattress.

This is when I miss you.
Okay, that isn't true,
But after a long day
Be it happy or sad,
I realize I can't call
To tell you what kind of day I had.

The words come to me late at night
The ones to tell you that I'm alright
And that I just might
Have found happiness.
Jul 2018 · 349
Success=Lonliness
Kelly Hogan Jul 2018
In order to be successful does one need to be lonely?
It feels like that sometimes.
When did we start having conversations that
Only consist of complaining?
Why can't we proudly talk of our hard earned accomplishments
And be met with sincere interest?
I love hearing about people's lives! The hardships they've overcome,
The rewards they've worked so hard for.
But when I've finally achieved the dream
That I've worked 8 longs years for,
The lackluster responses I get are:
"Cool"
"Awesome"
"Oh, nice".
...
No questions, because they're not interested
A light-hearted "I'm happy for you", means they really aren't
And a fading friendship because I'm busy making something of
Myself.
Grateful for the friends I do have, and a supportive partner and family. That's all you really need right? Just venting. <3
Mar 2018 · 1.1k
Wanted: Friend
Kelly Hogan Mar 2018
Am I the only one
That loves others this much?
This instantly?
This intensely

I miss the days when we were young
And inseparable.
Friendships meant more.

I feel like I never grew out of those friendships
But they grew out of me.

All I want is for someone to text me all the time,
Invite me out all the time,
Just want to be in my presence and hang out.
Is this selfish?

I give and I give.
Until there's nothing left
But the wondering if I'm even
A good friend to have.
Jan 2018 · 453
Better Days
Kelly Hogan Jan 2018
I hate when I'm told
That being nice is getting old
And that my smile should be sold
To the highest bidder.
Now, I know I'm a quitter
But at least I'm not bitter
About the cards I've been dealt
Because no matter how I've felt
My heart will always melt
From the sun's rays
That clear up cloudy greys
And promises better days.
Days where it's only fair
That we learn how to share
And most importantly,
We care.
Being nice to others shouldn't be so much of a surprise.
Dec 2017 · 514
Growing Apart Together
Kelly Hogan Dec 2017
I have all these pictures
Of us smiling,
But I didn't know
They would be the only ones.

You accepted me for who I was,
I loved all your flaws,
We were inseparable
Together, we took on our teenage years.

We had dreams
To escape an inescapable town
And avoid unavoidable futures
But I'm the only one that left.

You stayed behind
Though I begged you not to
And shunned me for my desire
To grow.

We were supposed to grow
Old together
But instead we grew
A    p   a    r   t     together.
For Jessica. I just wish you told me why you hated me all of sudden. 10 years is a lot to throw away.
Oct 2017 · 225
The Things We Do For Love
Kelly Hogan Oct 2017
You're on our small loveseat
Not loving the pain you're in.
I'm on the floor, by your feet
Because I can't stand the thought
Of going to bed without you.
Taking care of eachother when you're hurting/sick. <3
Sep 2017 · 482
Nightmare Disorder
Kelly Hogan Sep 2017
They tell me I look tired.
"Did you get enough sleep?"
"Yes".
(No).

The exhaustion I feel,
Masked with a smile.
Fake enthusiasm
Hides my haunted gaze.

They'll never know
The nightmare that terrorized me
Only to wake in the arms of my love
Broken.

Meditation, medication
It doesn't make a difference.
I wake from a fitful 8 hours
With jaw pain and a foggy mind.

Then put on a smile
As a part of my outfit.
And try to pretend that I didn't
Cry myself awake.
Sleep has always been my enemy. I didn't think this was a real disorder, I just thought I was crazy. It makes so much sense.
Jul 2017 · 221
Untitled
Kelly Hogan Jul 2017
I look to the sky and cry:
"I'm living a lie!"
Jul 2017 · 447
Self Reflection 2017
Kelly Hogan Jul 2017
The past few years have been nothing
But getting pushed down
And somehow standing back up.
I don't know how I do it, really.

It's like a never-ending storm
And I don't have a raincoat.
But walking along, soaking wet
Is soothing now.

Even when thoughts of death
Clouded my vision
And I sought help
I was turned down.

How did I survive?

I'm here,
I'm alive,
I'm trying to live my best life
I'm trying to be the best version of "me".

That's all any of us can do, right?

So I brush the dirt from my knees,
Wipe my hands on my pants
And continue about my day.
Mar 2017 · 818
BFF's
Kelly Hogan Mar 2017
By the way, I'm
Feeling sad, alone, depressed, anxious,
Frantic, and seeking medication.
But you wouldn't know, you've
Forgotten me. Lost in your domestic bliss.
Friends get out of sync sometimes.
But I'm not blaming you.
Friends
Forever

Right?
Jan 2017 · 413
Stagnation
Kelly Hogan Jan 2017
Where has your passion gone?
Is it buried down deep?
Are you only letting it out
In the safety of your sleep?

I'm tired love,
Of being your energy.
Find something that fuels you
Since I fear it's not me.

I wish I could ignite the flame
That you've let die
But I'm holding wet matches
That refuse to dry.

Please dear,
Just try...
Nov 2016 · 861
Attached
Kelly Hogan Nov 2016
You chewed me up
And spit me out
Like a piece of stale gum.

Then you stepped on me
So you could drag me around
A bit longer.
*****.
Oct 2016 · 349
Music to My Ears
Kelly Hogan Oct 2016
Drown your sorrows in music,
It hits you faster than any drug ever could.
Sep 2016 · 758
Right vs Wrong
Kelly Hogan Sep 2016
I keep trying to find the right words
For things that are just so wrong.
Sep 2016 · 422
:)
Kelly Hogan Sep 2016
:)
I forge a smile
Like a signature.
The one you see
Is not my own.
Just a well illustrated
Copy.
Kelly Hogan Sep 2016
My mind feels sick
Filled to the brim with self sabatoge
And a non-commital attitude.

Tears right on the edge
Of running down my cheek
And I say "running"
Because even they want to get away from me.

Then there's that exhaustion again
A sour feeling on my temples
And sore eyes from looking in the mirror.

Asking the big questions
I get nowhere
Will I ever find the answer
To why I can't let myself be happy?
Sep 2016 · 382
Growing Old
Kelly Hogan Sep 2016
Is watching all your loved ones
Die.
Growing up *****. Especially when the people you want to talk to the most are all dead. Just missing a lot of loved ones tonight. It's exhausting.
Sep 2016 · 1.3k
In a Flash
Kelly Hogan Sep 2016
We lost the Summer
In a flash of lightning.
It melted down
Into millions of rain drops.

And with it,
My inner light wanes,
Weeps, and wonders
If there's any way out of this September gloom.

But of course,
There must be darkness
If there's light.
So I will embrace the night.

We lost the Summer
In a flash of lightning,
But the thunder
Brought us Autumn.
What a sudden turn of events...
And yes I know, it's not officially Fall yet. ;)
Aug 2016 · 1.7k
Happy Birthday to Me
Kelly Hogan Aug 2016
It's my birthday,
I can cry if I want to.
Why is this life so much
Harder without you?
It's my birthday...
Aug 2016 · 728
Up in Smoke
Kelly Hogan Aug 2016
Stale cigarettes
Is the smell of my childhood.
And how burnt out am I
To feel nostalgic at that scent.

It was all carefree
As I played with fire
And I still had you
To call my friend.

But the fire quickly
Consumed us
And our lives
Went up in smoke.
Jun 2016 · 264
I'm the Key
Kelly Hogan Jun 2016
Trust me.
Surrender.
Your darkest desire
Lies chained
In the back of your mind.
Let me unlock it.
May 2016 · 756
Seasonal Photography
Kelly Hogan May 2016
I took your picture every winter
And in the summer it would melt.

I held the pieces in my hands
So you'd understand how I felt.

You said the ice has kept you safe
From the pain shone from above.

Until (me) the sun had come to earth
and showed you how to love.
Apr 2016 · 758
It's Such a Beautiful Day
Kelly Hogan Apr 2016
"He's been having trouble sleeping again. But then he realizes he's been laying in the dark with his eyes open."
From the movie. Not my material. Just quoting it because I love it.
Mar 2016 · 363
Alone.
Kelly Hogan Mar 2016
The thing about living with ghosts is,
You still feel so alone.
Feb 2016 · 688
*Insert Joke*
Kelly Hogan Feb 2016
Here's the part
Where I swoop in
With quick wit
And a snarky remark
...
But I just don't have the energy for it anymore.
Because I am a joke.
Feb 2016 · 1.0k
Ink
Kelly Hogan Feb 2016
Ink
Getting inked soon
To remember you.
A stain on my skin
Because the one on my heart
Was wiped clean
When you left.
Jan 2016 · 400
I am (Pt.2)
Kelly Hogan Jan 2016
I am,
Not who I once was
Or who I thought I was.

So...
Who am I?
More high nonsense...
Dec 2015 · 409
Live, Love, Be.
Kelly Hogan Dec 2015
What is worth loving in life

When we cannot live loving

More than yourself.

God forbid

I love everyone

But myself.
I love you all.
Dec 2015 · 350
Untitled
Kelly Hogan Dec 2015
The holidays are empty.
But let's be honest,
I am too.

Because all I want
For Christmas
Is to spend time with you.
Short and sweet. No title needed.
Dec 2015 · 789
I Am
Kelly Hogan Dec 2015
As the smoke eased away
And consciousness crept back in,
I realized
I was not.
But now,
I am.
High nonsense I suppose.
Nov 2015 · 811
Pass the scissors please.
Kelly Hogan Nov 2015
I've been keeping my hair short
Because you liked it long,
And I'm not strong enough
To relive the feeling I got
When you ran your hands through it.

So I'll continue to cut off
The ends that are dead
Because you are too
And it makes me feel closer to you
Somehow.
Nov 2015 · 624
Sorry.
Kelly Hogan Nov 2015
I'm sorry
That I am who I am

I'm sorry
I can't control my world

I'm sorry
If I did something wrong

I'm sorry
If I did something right

I'm sorry
If I didn't do anything at all.

I'm sorry
For the hate

I'm sorry
For the love

For all the pain inside you
And inside me.

And mostly I'm sorry
That I don't know how to get rid of it.
I say "I'm sorry" at least 50 times a day. Trying to delve into why I do this or why I think I need to apologize.
Nov 2015 · 674
Wild
Kelly Hogan Nov 2015
I'd walk 1,000 miles
Just to find myself
On top of a mountain
Far away from home.

I'd walk 1,000 miles
Just to find you
On top of a mountain
Waiting for me.

I'd walk 1,000 miles
Just to to escape the world.
On top of a mountain
I would find peace.

I'd walk 1,000 miles
And then I'd walk 1,000 more.
Fell in love with the book and movie Wild. Got to thinking of why I would make that hike.
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