Cleanliness is something that you learn
when your mom washes your hair and
reminds you to brush your teeth before bed.
It isn't something you think about,
it's something you do out of habit.
Cleanliness is something you memorize,
you don't associate it with someone's ****** history
until their history writes itself into your present and future.
It receives a new meaning
once you wash your hair and brush your teeth
and you somehow still don't feel clean.

I want to kiss your lips.
The ones between your hips, I mean.

your eyes
stare into mine
and suddenly
i’m vulnerable.
you touch
my skin;
and my mind
screams silently-
because i want
you to
do more
than only touch me.
heat radiates
from your body
to mine
and i imagine
that we are more
than we
really are.

I failed to mention my frustration
when I told you "no" without hesitation,
but you pulled me in with determination,
and left my body full of devastation.
I laugh when you're brought up in conversation.
The truth is that I'm avoiding confrontation.

your hand sits on my upper thigh
as we drive in your car back to my place,
i carefully push your hand up higher

your hand sits on my inner thigh
as we drive in your car back to my place,
i carefully push your hand in closer

your hand sits inside my leggings
as we drive in your car back to my place,
i carefully push your hand down lower

your hand sits inside my underwear
as we drive in your car back to my place,
i carefully push your hand a little deeper

your hand sits inside my body
as we drive in your car back to my place,
i close my eyes and exhale the pleasure

My counselor asked me
if I’ve ever been in a committed relationship.
I began to tell him all about you
and how you won me over with a guitar
and a love song on my 16th birthday.
I informed him about how lovely your family was,
and the Sunday dinners at your grandmas house.
The more and more that I told him about you
I realized that I loved you so much,
and that love for you never went away.
Memories of you are so many,
but I know you’re happy without me.
I just wish that I wasn’t so crazy when you let me go.
I wish I would have fought a little harder and cried a little less.
I wonder if this love for you will ever leave me alone.

I am leaving, and you are the only one I want to see.
You make it difficult, because you are oh so busy.
"Oh, I'm working," is one of your lies.
When you're actually seeing guy after guy.
Stop with the boys, stop with the lies.
Your promiscuity is impossible to hide.

I don’t want to get high off of drugs.

I want to be high on life,

the crisp october breeze outside.

I want to be high off of you

breathe into my lungs.

you are the blood in my veins

so warm to the touch. 

whether you’re here or not,

your body will forever haunt mine.

a ghost, a soul, always on my mind.

when you scavenged my virginity,

you also discovered my heart.

I realize now these things 
aren’t far apart.

I can’t separate love from lust.

I don’t mean to bite your neck-

but when our bodies ****** as one,

I feel like a vampire.

I told you that I didn't want to. That I can't control myself.
I made sure you knew so that when I tried to, you'd stop me.
You were supposed to stop me. You were supposed to say no.
I wasn't myself, I don't even know if I'd consider myself responsive.
The only reason I realized what was happening was because
I heard a song, a voice, a familiar tune. Reminding me of who I am.
And who I am should not be someone who sleeps with everyone.
This seems to happen to me a lot, I've noticed.
I don't blame you, I blame myself for trusting you.
Trusting that you'd remember that I didn't want to be with you.
Trusting that you wouldn't take advantage of me.
Trusting that you cared about me enough to just say no.

I am plagued with thoughts of you
that keep me awake at night
until ungodly hours.
I am forced to remember the good times.
My brain chose to forget the bad.
I hope you perpetually think of me too,
like a virus that you just can't get rid of.

I met you and my life changed for the better
everything seemed to have  a brighter color because
you started a fire inside of me that I didn't even know was possible.
Being around you made everything okay
but now I'm in tears on a plane and I am blaming you.
I thought I was getting better because of you
but I was only absorbing your light.
I was washing your hair while in the shower at five the morning
because you spent the night and your phone lit up "princess"
I can't believe I didn't realize  that your princess isn't me and
your princess never will be me and I hate you so much for
letting me love you  with no intention of loving me back

i am her third option,
and she is my first.
it is not fair to me
but I do not say a word;
for if I asked her
to decide on one,
she would not pick me.
so i will take a small piece,
and she will take my entirety.

he searched for her
he found her
he had her
he loved her
he no longer loved her
he left her
he lost her

I want to forget you
and this romance
but it’s hard when
a million butterflies
attack my ribcage
and my stomach
and my brain;
like they’re searching
for flowers in my heart
and only you know
where they are.

When I look at you,
I'm pretty sure my heart melts.
I don't know how to explain that
but it's how I feel and how I've felt.
You're becoming my happy place,
you're making me brand-new.
I thought I should let you know that
I think I'm in love with you.

trying to hold a conversation with you
is mentally exhausting and i just
don’t have the time to defend every
sentence that comes out of my mouth

my words are not wrong
just because you don’t like them

It is incredible how quickly my rationality was lost
and I genuinely considered taking a blade across my skin
for absolutely no reason.

It's as if my progress means nothing to me
and I am just a spoiled brat who isn't getting attention
so I choose to hurt myself.

It's been almost three years fighting this urge
and it seems to be that it literally will not go away
but I won't give in.

Please don't let me find my self destruct button.

I have your name written down on a note in my phone.
It's on a list of the boys that I've slept with.
I don't need photographs to remember you by,
because I have strong memories of how our skin touched so closely.
You contaminated my mind with false ideas of who we were.
When we were together, were we even together?
Perhaps we were only sleeping together.
It's uncomfortable how you left me so easily.
As if I meant nothing to you at all. Maybe that's just how it is.
But if we're being real, and true ,and honest,
I suppose you're really just a name
written down on a note in my phone,
on a list of the boys that I've slept with.

I feel for you, but I won't hold onto the past
because I know I'm never going back there.
Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't do it.
I've grown too much to step backwards
into who I used to be when I was with you.
Yes, it would be comfortable.
But I don't want to ever live that state.
The state of mind that the only time
I can be comfortable is when I'm yours.
I don't need that mindset.
Plus, you don't want that anyway.
You're happy, and I'm usually happy.
Break ups happen for a reason and
there's no reason to hold onto something
that's already let go of you.

i want to make you feel guilty
for changing your mind about me.

it’s not your fault that i am damaged
but it is your fault for how you acted.

it’s okay if you don’t want my body
because i’m not letting you anywhere near it.

*** with you is better as a concept anyway.

She warned him before he came over
that she might wake him up in the night.
For her mind is plagued with monsters
that cause her to act out her nightmares.
He laughed it off and chose to go anyway,
aware of the seriousness in her warning.
He laid with her through the trauma,
and got a glimpse into the prison she owns.
The prison that lives and thrives in her brain.
He did not question her motives when
she woke up suddenly and pushed him away.
He wasn’t afraid for he understood why.
She wondered why he wasn’t scared,
and suddenly it hit her like a train.
The reason he did not startle was simple.
He must be plagued with monsters too.

I hate when they don’t understand
when I say
“My anxiety hurts so bad today”

I try to describe it to them,
like when you get butterflies
(but replace them with knives)

The ocean is full of wonderful treasures, or so I’ve been told
But I’d like to know if that’s even true at all
Because if we haven’t explored the entire ocean, how do we know?
I often pretend that I am like the ocean
I tell myself that I’ve got something very special about me
And maybe I jut haven’t found it yet
It’s easier to make believe about the sea than to make believe about me
But I hope that the ocean is truly full of uniqueness
Because that means that I might be too

“Are you afraid of the dark?”
You laughed at me because I flinched
at the sight of a pitch black hallway.
Memories flooded into my brain
and the walls began to close in on me.
I remember his hands
violently grabbing my neck
while we laid in his bed
on a warm summer night.
I recall tears running down my face,
but he could not see, could not see..
because we were surrounded by darkness.
I am not afraid of the dark,
I am afraid of the monsters
that lurk behind closed doors,
hidden by the absence of light.

It is a breath of fresh air
when two people once so different
find out that they're alike after all
and the future is suddenly brighter

Anxiety is like a sixth sense that is wrong 9/10 times but it screams louder than everything else so it seems like it's the most urgent. Usually nothing's wrong and usually I overreact and even though I know those things I still wake up at three in the morning freaking out about something that's probably irrelevant. My anxiety says "oh this time it's real trust me because i'm the loudest thing in your brain so i am obviously right." and I'm like 'yes that makes sense tell me more please', even if its been wrong every single day for two years straight. A never ending cycle.

You broke your own heart
and wanted me to apologize for it.

I don’t need to make myself more
palatable for you to enjoy me.

I am not sorry for being myself.