7 years and I still think of you
7 years and I still think of the memories
our memories that smell of dust of the past 7 years
still uneasy to forget the trail of dark cloud on my bright clear sky
it's not the lost of you that I'm trying to forget
but maybe it's the lost of me
you, the subconcious thief
of my sanity, pride, and sense of self
you made me question everyting I thought I knew
everything I thought I learned
you make me question...

7 years time flew by in the limbo
7 years as fresh as yesterday
as fresh as these clean washed sheets but not me
as I still smell of you
of the dust from the last 7 years

A life lived unlived, is a waste wasted

I left the key to my world at your hand,
I left the door ajar,
I invited you to come in.
I'm all bones stripped bare in front of your soul,
and secretly hoping you'd like it...
You stepped in --a feeble walking step,
you stayed for a bit but the grounds swayed too much you said,
so you tried,
and you flee at the first exit...
you left me, all bones and broken...
a boy broke my heart, and that was years ago
I flee, shut the door hard and threw away the key,
hoping not to be found,
I was not found...
questioning everything that I see, that I feel, that I ever long for...
I ran
I broke free
Now nobody could find me
but now not even me...
I lost me too...
Somehow in the run away from you, I lost me and not you from my memory...
...

Engulfed in emotions
Everything's a blur with tears
Silly old hopes
Silly old misinterpretations
of generic pleasantries
and politeness
expressed into something more
Let the water flow through the creak,
over the hurdling stones,
let my thoughts move on from this day
Charging forwards leaving your stone behind
Adieu!

Let there be lightings, thunders, and fire when we meet
So that we can see our faces clearly
So I can see your every scar, and you can see mine
So that we are used to each other's voices
and fire
and heat
Let the grounds be wet with the pouring rain of tears that follows
so that the soil would be damp enough for the flowers to grow upon,
and fertile enough,
for the seeds and our communion, fruits of thoughts
Thereupon, let me choose to stay, or sail away
But with the thought that we know we can weather future storms,
or for the clear skies that follows,
or any other weathers we couldn't fathom.

The world was not what he knew no more
The reflections had betrayed him
All the pains were coming back
Inhibiting
Slowly
Reality sunk back in
Heavy and suffocating
Shackling

The music's changed
The party is still going on
Full of people he didn't recognise
Is he still a part of it?
Is he still invited?
What does it matter?
Everything
To him
Everything he knew of
Almost
And what it took to run was a blink away

came to visit me again last night
seeping in when i was half asleep
embracing me from the inside
keeping me awake in his presence
he's not a friend
nor a foe
we solely co-exist
then i should probably get accustomed to his presence
regardless how queasy and uneasy he makes me feel
how he makes i small
probably he cares about me
i just need to
     stop
         him
           *******
Stop.

Opened a piece of memory,
found lost self
Caught a glimpse of her,
is she ever to return ... ?

This world feels cold dark and lonely now
Little miss sunshine, come back here and lighten me up...
Are you still there sometimes?
It feels surreal that once you were real
Where did you go, when did you leave...?
Do I like my current? ...
What is best, what was done?

Self doubt is creativity's sworn nemesis

It all feels blue and cold now, ...

So blue and lost, ...
Deep deep down in like the darkest of the sea
...


I caught a glimpse of you,
and I like you

Will you ever come back?
Are you better than me...?
Were you better than me ... ...?


Time, you do tell,
you and your playful tricks on me...

We never was and I don't want to start now
Knowing you are fine is more than enough for me
Please stay behind closed doors,
the safe zone that I know...

I wish you well but i'm not ready to begin,--
I will never be ready...

She called me up and said you want to say hi
I said okay but deep down I didn't
Now it's a week over and I'm in that time,
when I seem to meet you everywhere,
...a familiar face

It's just a time I know it will through
But I do wonder,...
do you still remember me so?  ...

Time has changed,
your endeavours went well
As it has always been,...
And me here,
stay sitting on the fence,
overlooking your grass...

Sway, sway...
cradle me away
Pray, pray...
this love won't go astray

Nothing's new,
but this feeling is precious
precocious and nimble
One soothing gaze that took it all
Shot right through from your piercing soul
....

We are hot white marble and ashes,
let us be until,
we're cold white marbles and ashes

I like you and I'd like to stay

Blanket me, o night,
Cover me with your soothing cool breeze,
Embrace me with your serene darkness

When all the world is at its quietest,
Take all my worries and replace them with dreams
Cradle me with your tranquility
Let me float in nothingness until the golden sun gentle touch

Blanket me, o night,
You who understands me most
We who understand each other in quietude

Am I blue enough for you?
fallen cold feet in your hot water
has my heart been bruised enough for you?
pounded by your harrowing silence and skyscraping fortress which I cannot crawl into...

These four walls have become a better companion than the ghost of you
They echo my words so that I am less lonely
In a world that I would build someday without you
I would no longer falter into your decoy...

Crisp shirt
Buttoned up
Short sleeves
Blue gingham
In the least shades of vibrant colours
Black and gray,
the colour of our story
the colour of us
What's the point if we won't ever going to start
You belonged yourself to her
And who am I?
A passerby
Classic
Leather
Watch
Everything's reminding me of you
I'll erase my mind of out the picture
Let you stay stand proud with her
The calling of your life
Gentle touch
and sideway glances
Silly giggles--
Please stop
Let's stop
The road's been blocked ahead
and the passage way's closed
No use
Yet I think I love you

They say what belongs to you would find its own way back to you,
eventually, somehow...
Only they know...

You threw me once,
did you expect me to come back to you?...
....
So I let you go once,
would you ever find your way back to me?

Were you testing me? Somehow...
Were you testing our fates...
the one you held within your palms...?

I can't help but pondered...
If come back this time, would we fall on the same ground?...
Or will we break when we're collided?...

Only they know...
Only those who've known would know...

Heard you're with someone new now...
I should've known,... I should've known...
You'd never left your heart cool for so long...
In the name of avoiding loneliness, avoiding the longing...
Had always been a fling,
but this time would it be your eternal song?
Or just another song?...
I dare not to ask, I wouldn't want to know...
Only my fool would believe you're still my one and only, my own...
...

And so I've been told...
And so I'll keep my heart cold...
'Cause it's the only one I can hold,
my pride and dignity...
The only key to my sanity...
...

These people, whom I know as much as I know me,
As I fill my days with their shiny lives and parades,
But they're not mine,...
Some picture-perfect lies...
There lies mine,...
trampled,
abandoned,
begging to be remembered,
begging to be cared ...
I don't know me,
I don't know my story...
And as I bask in their glory,
The one grasping for help is me,
As I follow them away...
As I walk away from me,
Only with what makes them h a p p y ...
Because it was easy,...
Too easy....

As I never cared for shiny objects.
until I felt I lost mine,
Illumination,
What feels like in a sudden,
There are so many from them,
Those people,
covered in gold and diamonds,
shining away from their high pedestals,
Stunning, ... captivating,...
I sat there in silence,
admiring from afar,
and once in a while when they come down from their higher ground,
I follow them around, --
I follow them around, ...
My existence is a wish of theirs,
wispy and feeble,...
...
There is a beggar on the ground,
begging for a second chance,
trampled and forgotten,
I don't know her,
I don't know her story,
As much as I know these sparkles,
they can't be the same kind...
Boring and uninteresting,...
So I scold at her,
ignored her,
as mine and me alone gasp for my care,...
Too easy...
Because it was too easy...

Bright and lovely
and exciting!
Then time passes
and the colours seemingly lose their excitements
all done and licked
tried and tempted
What's new?
Then some are darker than others,
all shadowing and dull
Then you'd wonder are they the true colours
But, they're not
Shine and polish
your mind
the colours are the same
Just pick up your stained glass from your pocket
and you'll see the colours you choose
Bright, colourful, ... and excited!
As they once were to you
As they have always been...

To find somewhere I feel I belong
Someone to connect with
Without pretences
Without hidden motives
Without prejudices

Someone to share,
someone who cares

Some place peaceful and nice
Cozy and warm
Like their welcoming open arms

In a patch of this world
Real or surreal

so i locked the door and let you fully entrap me,
and threw out the key,
because it's too easy....

but truly,...
day by day,
please, why should you tell only lie?
to me...
such my lonely cry...

but now i know,...
i have to just wake up and go!
get out there!
close my heart and live free
that's the only way you'd let me flee...

finding fake joy in little lies
finding fake self worth in some shoes
new branded item
no one looks up on you for them
just wait 'til the mud tear them down
tell me who what do you see when you look into the mirror
is it someone you like?
is it someone you wanted to be?
the kid in you says hi to me
asking you to grow up so that he can too
to face the real world
like a real man should
armed with ammunition
that is real self-confidence
stemming firmly on the ground of wisdom
not fake accessories and marketing gimmicks
clink another glass
because that's how you face your problems
pout another story
for your non-existent friends to tell
inflated self image inflated ego
who you gonna fool with your little bell

You are ashes and bones to me
just so you know
Sorry, but my self-protection dragon must set you ablaze
Sent you off and away
Don't you know I move on to a different land?
It's not all castles walls and guards now
I'm all free!
Free as can be!
I'll mingle,
mingle and laugh happily...!
She released me from your shackles,
for the sake of my sanity
There might not be a knight...
Neither in shining armours,
nor galloping in on any horse or phegasus...
Nor am I my own hero,
or learned to fight for my own...
But my dragon,
she'll swoop me flying to places--
She'll keep on protecting me
Showing places we could never ventured,
you and me ...
And that's okay
Because she'll protect me,
and I will always be save
So I'll fly,
Goodbye, my love ...
In this imaginary grave,
I'll store your memory
Until I'm ready...
At least for now,
You never are, never was, and *never will be

Someday you'd ask me
in between the fine lines etched on your face
the fine lines in between good and evil
Someday you'd ask me,
on how people can be so crass,
how the world works and where do you stand in it...
So let me tell you before you ask...
...
Close your eyes, darling
turn your head away from all the bitterness of this world
Close your eyes darling,
from all the twisted minds, the turns and ***** tricks of it
Close your eyes darling,
from its dark secrets and its inhabitants'...
That's where the fountain of youth's at...
Look no further,
just close tour eyes, darling...
This world might be cruel and spiteful at times, but so shouldn't you be...
No...
I do not wish you to choose,
although the choices are yours,
I would say naivety is not a sin,
a naivety is innocence
I would never ask you to participate
Although and if this world is cold,
I wish you to withstand it,
because more than the beauty they see
is the core of beauty inside you
and that is what I wish you to hold...
Remember what you've been told...

Despair is an old company
In lighter days he’s the shadow overcasting every object
In darker days he’s the strongest
Strangling and suffocating
Clouding all reasons for treason

Was he born with me,
I always think he lived this world long before I did
How he found me how I wish he never did

Despair is an old felony
He lived longer than any of us, and he will live longer than any of us
To love him is unutterable
But to let him linger or to let him pass for another time
That might be a way

The aftertaste dark black coffee is the taste how our relationship after it ends,
bittersweet with pungent acidity, but this one burns
Right now, standing in the beginning,
I don't know what you do, but it's blinding

Yet there's this little voice ringing,

I'm scared to write our future 'cause I know there's none
It's bleak in the midst of dust and sand
Can't see clearly and nothing's solid off the ground

So, 'let's leave darling', said little voice, 'find your way home once again'
'he's none to have unless you're looking for fun'
yet for fun how much should we amend
'wish you would peek your nothern star once again'
'and just follow it 'till the end'

Smile, pose,
flawless, poise

Let's make another picture perfect square,
Perfect for everyone to stare
I don't care what you think,
what you see, what you think,
of what you see,
As long as I can fool my memory

Even if I sink,
even when everything stinks
If I can't remember, it won't drag me down

Let's find our true love,
One and only true love,
Starting from the superficials,
Oh yes, 'cause I believe from this
we can go straight to the nuptials

It's odd if you ask me these days be,
spent more time fighting off monsters that can never be,
Exploring Neverland,
truly being Peter Pan?...

Is it still called a social interaction?
When there is no communication,
More like with the green monsters, spending quality time
all kins of them,
And in plurals,
all these digitals
...

Yes, I do,
remember being twenty-two.

Being vapid.
Doing things stupid.
Running around without a care,
despite the scare,
still with a lot of things to spare.

And yet also on this very bed,
every night,
over naught,
agonising...
Knowing I could never do nothing,
of the future to come, powerless,
yet, all at once, fearless.

All in all, it was... confusing,...
Yet now,... old and wrinkly,... reminiscing.

What's so great about emotion is it's passing notion
Gone without a trace
Leaving only slight traces of distant familiarity...
Wonders how something that insignificant can drive such force
Wanders...
--off and away from conciousness...
Logic...
--or the lack thereof...
On the spur of a moment, in a blink of a passing thought...
Going away...
Like the waves of the ocean... leaving traces behind ... on the forever changing grains of sand...

I miss you but I don't know you
And my name would puzzle you
Yet neither rise your curiousity
Yet you're addictive to me,
This sensation, this adversity,
Sweet, like some iridescent nectar gathered by hundreds of fairies in an instant,
From some magical forest forever showered by the gentle light of the golden hour in the distant...
Albeit the bitter pain afterwards instead,
When reality take back its stead,
Who are you? I don't know
This doesn't make any sense, that I know...
But... if only I can dream a bit longer, for I have dreamed far too long, I know...
But, if there is even a tinier than a speckle of dust of possibility,
In this whole world our universe of unpredictability, please...
I'd like to make our story a reality...
Dilly dally, ***** nilly, talks of dailies,
No roses or daisies,
Just two souls walking together,
In harmony parallel, cruising in life for forever
...

I've exhausted all methods of wasting time
swollen whole by ethos gone by
My heart has grown cold of waiting
snubbed, with overgrown shrubs
It has forgotten the warm embraces
the birds chirping
that a new love can bring
it has forgotten how to love, the exictements
as with sorrow it exits from every broken commitment
Can old memories be retrieved?
Once the right key keeper appears
Finder's keeper, I'd concur
I grew tired of wishing,
and I've mastered the art of walking alone
So I'd keep on treading as I trod
I would need no one's hand to hold,
but my own
Getting over with all the yearning,
now just laughing with what the world brings

Growing up...
Thinking life's gonna be easy
Fun, friendship's're forever,
So what's they said

We got problems of our own
Trapped in our little bubbles
Stopped looking left or right
For help, realising we are all alone in the end

Nothin's wrong,
No need to be down own your knees
Some days when you're out of my orbit,
Meaning the funny white rabbit's chasing you to eternity
I got that, and that's okay
Just return to my side when everything's back alright
You're me friend, and my book won't let me change that

Same old bed
Same old mess
Same old self,
same old, same old
...

Different time
Different expectation
Different people
Different connection
...

Trapped in the possessed power of the passed
memories
Those, who never asked
to

Different world
Different place
Unfamiliar stuff

Ahead of time
Out of rhyme
No one to blame

Aging on,
Here's your stick to find your path
in the dark
Shuffle on,
travel on
...

I dreamed of you,
you and your glorious spirit,
infectious and dangerous

I dreamed of you who is not mine,
of our times archived,
distant as if long lost and forgotten

I dreamed of you and our strong ties,
as if we're still together,
and times are easy

I dreamed of you and I long for you
as much as dreams don't make sense
feelings are true yet they deceive often
Wishes are only wishes,
I know

Not today,
for these 24 hours I will wallow in my memories of you,
of our odd encounters
basking in my sentiments,
before you leave again
just like I did before

I'd get tired of the wait
Undress me and strip me bare again every season
Yes, I might enjoy the attention
But something I'd long,
is it so wrong?
More than just the adoration
I want you to make the bet
Always an onlooker,
never a taker
I wonder how it would be to go home with you
I promise not ask you to jump over the bar
Even though I know I can't give much either
That'd be more than what you'd bargain for
That'd be more than what I'm capable, and I'd lie to me,
Or until I learn to do so, maybe
but should I
would I?
Can I?
To bet my whole existence on something so fleeting?
your mere feeling
Although the power of persuassion
sometimes is a pressure so strong alone
Would you discard me,
once you take me?
Would I be less lonely,
would you be less lonely?
Would you regret me?
Would I regret me?
...
Sometimes I wonder so
and this yearning that I crave to know
But, always an onlooker,
never a taker
...

I'm lost...
all rust and lost...
Fleeting around to nowhere
Perhaps some things are worth fighting for
Would you be my saviour?
My tower light?
Lead me the way to hapiness,
save me from this nothingness
All my friends seem to have found something,
something they settle down with,
contented with nevertheless...
I am but a fling
Where should I go forthwith?
...
I'm so lost,
afloat and light,
exhausted the exhaust...
all black smokes and frost...

In my world of blacks and grays
you're my only burst of colours
you're my only source of light
shining so brilliantly bright...
amongst the shadow mines
devised, conjured up by my own mind...
You, are the ladder to my sanity
out of this pit of black hole
So if i never told you so, i'm sorry
but i'm thankful... i'm thankful...

Your smell particles,
the
air
I breathe
The drug I need,
the endorphin I need...

Simply missing your presence,...
--how you said you loved me,
your warmth,
your gentleness,...
-- and the consciousness that you're there, ...

... Even though not in person ...

As I spread my arms for your voice...
Silence answered me, ...
Nothingness whispered he's here...
--a sole hero walking against the desert scorching sun...

Now the roses you gave me had withered and died...--
As how you felt towards me...
Nurtured, then cut off to whiter and dry ...

Unspoken words behind your tightly clasped lips,
the embers in your eyes betrayed you, dear ...
Cold
As
snow,
Not as pure
Murky as ridden by dirt...

You are another trinket,...
I close the chest of your shadow...
I'd never cut your wings,
so there, off you go,... --off with the stream,...

... cascading into nothingness ...

In another dimension,
I would've sooner learned humility,
and since then
we would've been together...,
right after high school, that summer...
Married at twenty-seven,
a year later our first born...
reciprocated those adoring gazes,
reciprocated those adoring eyes...
Instead remembering you looking forlorn...

But so life is not a fiction,...
here in this reality
I denied your knocking heart a long time ago
said never for a life time, and here we go
I told you a lie just to let you go,
so you believed me and you live by that lie
you tell a lie too and you said to let me fly
So hurt or not, your heart is set in stone
to move away from me
So it be...

And in another dimension
a maybe, ...
just not in this reality
...

Give me all your pretences,
'cause i have no defences

Hide away your prejudices,
i've thrown all my dices

Put me on a pedestal,
'cause i like being the fake royal

All the time,...
... all the time...
That's how i'm fine,
all these times...

Let me know again how it feels to fly...
for i don't care if it's just your lie...

When all my goals and wishes have run out

and all that matters are yours and only yours...


I want you to feel good about yourself

Each time you fall, each time you feel any regret
...


Goodness, so help me...

I weep for those broken dreams,
for those shot straight down by self doubts,
for self confidence or the lack of thereof

I weep
I weep for the time passed unused, questioning one's abilities,
instead of letting them flourish,
practicing and learning,

I weep
I weep for those times when that 'no' at first knock put as 'NO' for ever

I weep for those souls who feel too old,
too small,
too young,
too worthless,
too dumb,
too short,
too many things in the face of their dreams

As those glorified self image seems shattered and stupid
We are all the same
no better one than the other
Comparisons are futile
the only bars are the ones from within
The only way is inside out
help each other out
one step at a time
then
WE.ARE.GOOD
always

In the old grand Cathedral
Down by the City Hall
Across the buzzing lively street
The place where we'd meet

Birds chirping signifying the new day...
My new dawn with you
Until the break of dawn...

Then balloons, --big white balloons across the sky...
A magnificent view
In the shimmering glistening sun,
the cooling breezy wind,
The crisp autumn air...
Laughters and cheer,
--those wedding bells!
Do you hear those beautiful tower bells?...
My billowing gown...
And doves, --doves flapping their wings...! Up and beyond,
gazing to the future...

...

I wish we're getting married today...

...

But we're not,...
You left me months ago...
and now my mind draws blank,
for another one to fill,
an empty space where your arm used to link mine,
as how we should've walk...
... the aisle, ...
under the stares of our beloved...

And you're not coming back, I know...
Stilll I wish, I wish, that were getting married today...

It's not the promise you break,
but it's my heart and soul you do break...

want to find you more in my memories
Little trinkets of dusty pieces
as how they come,
You're the buried gem

Would you reply
if I
say "hi..."?
On this day,
which just happened to be
--Valentine's day...
No, I don't want to say the greeting,
or to ask you to roll in the occassion...
Or to make the event a play,
plotting you into my ploy,
Dear me, no... never that daunting...
never to lead you on...
I just...
have been missing you...
like sedated...
afloat mid-air, --levitated...!
Ever since I met you,
yes, that  meaningless banter,
you stole my heart and I want it back,
so that I can give it to someone new,
...
or else you'll keep me forever,
in this aimless,
foolish...
insatiable, endless,
thoughts of you...

Been thinking of you...
It just happened to be
this Valentine's Day...
--...