im back after a long time

I internalize my reds
though they find their way out
through the pores of my skin -
each pore, with a voice like a mouth
that's hungry, that roars and pours
the essence of survival,

do I have to crave life in the chapter of death to feel alive?

Drip by drip, I drip
unknowingly, in solitary,
drip by drip, only to anticipate self-destruction
drip by drip, to become half of who I was
drip by drip, I've dripped dry of I
and no one seems to notice the bloodless being
losing the essence of being, a being.

- Kaya Su

9pm, 10pm, 11pm, 12pm
I want to reverse time
12pm, 11pm, 10pm, 9pm
and - i crave to reverse time
9am, 12pm, 10pm, 1pm
stop - now nobody move
just look - just look as
i lay like stale food,
waiting to poison you
under your consent,
you, the person i speak to,
the person i see - as i stare
into the mirror
you - you stale food
i stare at you - i know you, Miss inhu'man'
"Miss inhu'man'"
Men and women to the world
Men and women of the world
stare into mirrors, I'll come through
like stale food - stale food into the mirror
flies around me, now buzz buzz buzz
give me company, within this solidarity
I see you, I see me in you
i am the men and the women around me
i am my stale food
i eat myself off the ground
the flies like audience,
they buzz buzz buzz like an applause
i consume and i consume and i consume - my reflection
my reflection - i present to you again Miss inhu'man'
the person - the performer -  in the mirror - in the crowd
as i continue to feast and feast
until the last of me
the flies, buzz and buzz
as i lay, as i screech
the last sound in me

Kaya SS

***** Tuesday, I write to you,

this time, help me stay afloat in this pool of life

for I, I can't swim being a messenger for my head

and my feet, I am parting - I'm parting for two escapes,

I'm parting - to put myself together,  

now tell me ***** Wednesday, what's in store 

Do I need to write to you as well, again?



- Kaya

the pigeons here, they aren’t afraid
of the feet that walk past them
on this grey street,
they are aware of our stories
the places we go and the faces we meet
they are aware of the soggy tissues
that fall above, from the balconies
they are aware of the life and stories
that live in those used tissues - they examine it,
a tissue for a moment in the past,
they think, I believe, they know and hear the emotions in those tissues that dry and travel around in these streets,
they know the secrets and seen faces, that even our close ones, could not
and so
I don’t mind the falling objects
I don’t mind the speeding cars  
I don’t mind the distant face
that caused these distant scars

these pigeons, they see us from afar
they know my heart, they know your heart

-Kaya

A thousand paper cuts
to hollow lungs- a void
mass loss of blood to blue
like blue ***** cricketing through
the vast red ocean

-Kaya

I wanted to be
I wanted to feel
I wanted to see
things as vast as a sea
in my pursuit- I lost myself
in this vast sea
I cannot see myself
find, or even be myself
deep down in this deep sea
i have lost myself to what i wanted
i could not see
i could not feel
i could not be
I have dissolved into these monstrous blues
I have become bait to these monstrous blues
I have become part of this deep sea
that i have always dreamt of- and now
I am afraid, I am not who i am
who am i, I asked again
In these million waves
the sea is in me
salt in my blood and bones
i am lost in myself- i have drowned
in this voyage of life

-Kaya

i found a home
in a rats cage
i found comfort
within its palms  
i found a home
not yesterday,
not years ago
but today,
in my last stage
a rotting age

- Kaya

breathing in and out
breathing in and out
so many words
the beginning and ending
of the worlds words
the eternal loop from
word to word and to
the sound of silence
the sound of silence that overlaps
a lot of beginnings and endings
of words words and again words
a lot of words and voices
a lot of talking, talking and talking

a lot of a lot of things
the sound of eyes closing
lids clashing, open and shut
open and shut, open and shut
foots hitting the ground
left and right, left foot coming after the right and the same over and over and over and over and over the
beginning of the breath that goes in
to the ending of an exhale, breathe out and in and out and in  
wind over wind, that speaks and speaks and speaks to me
and at last the last clashing of the lids
eyes shut to blank silence a vision less vision in a tubular void
in the dark, and sound of silence
getting louder and louder and louder
it is never quiet in my mind and self that envies the ability of a needle in a clock
to move on second to second
and not dwell in the past

-Kaya

A vague memory
of heaven behind me
I'll walk up,
I'll walk straight up with
cold teeth that shiver
blue gums, that bleed
cold nights with white sheets
and white eyes that don't sleep

with fire beneath my red feet
that bleed, bleed and bleed
Follow my footprints
don't be mistaken
for they do not lead

-Kaya

The grounds seem wet
like the last layer of a years flood
or the beginning of a light drizzle
I cannot tell, I cannot tell

-Kaya

and
I will say it once more
each tile has its history
In these four walls
they have come alive
now I know, it's possible
to go back to the past
and to stand on something
you thought would not last

-Kaya

A tear drenched pillow
not a place to rest my head
but an ocean, every night

thoughts pass like
a million black fishes
now I cannot see
the oceans blue anymore
not even the blue

-Kaya

Dear skin, I'm sorry you feel a certain way
it's just that today,
the rays of the sun, you once knew has gone away,
and is unaware of who you are
and your pain,
I'm sorry you have to face
the ignorant new rays
just bare with it, for today
and I'm sure that
it will go away

-Kaya

It's not people that frighten me
it's their eyes, it's the soul that hides within each eye, not only do they see- they judge, they think, they absorb. It's the contrast between their whites and their color that project strength and create fear, it's the inability to lose contact with that contrast, it's impossible to lose connection from what makes you afraid but at the same time beautiful it brings you closer, it's the fear of getting closer to something evil but irresistible. It's the fear of losing yourself but loving it.

-Kaya

you see, my dear
I'm familiar- with
shedding a tear
and so my vision
is blurred, and
to me, the world
is not crystal clear

-Kaya

cursed with a blessing
made to feel alive, even
when I'm not breathing

-Kaya

dear red on pale white,
a letter to you, I write
in immense red fright
I fear, red on pale white
It is because of you
I cannot sleep at night
you promised that
you would not bite
but what is left of me?
I cannot see anything
there is nothing in my sight
but a mouth, that keeps begging
the dear red on pale white
I write to you again,
dear red on pale-

'this is your last night'
said the red on pale white

-Kaya

I could feel the tension
I could feel all the blood in me
settling to the bottom, within my feet
my feet, now red, under pressure
pulling me down, I could not seem
to fight the weight that was
pulling me down, down and down

my feet now full, now red, like a bucket
full of water, ready to spill, ready to give way
my feet now ready to burst and set free
the tensed blood for once and for all

-Kaya

I guess we are all drawn to a certain  light and sometimes, that light, is darkness

-Kaya

I'm in denial of my days death
the day in your eyes,
now all I see are your whites
but no light, there's no light

- Kaya

I see a sphere
it is like one that is,
but not like one that feels
this sphere, is vulnerable
it is colorful but thin
easy to puncture and see
the things that lie within
the colorful skin
i'm afraid it will lose color
and lose what it has once been

-Kaya

from skin to flesh
and blood to bone  
from sound to silence
and wind to dust
from book to page
and sharp to blunt
from food to medication
and a house to train stations
and years to an unforgivable  
day,
I wish to someone 'a good day'

-Kaya

yellow pages, with thin lines
held stiff, within a black spine
hard to uncover, yet so divine
the pages were empty, but the
smell of them, enlightened
the dusty places, in my mind

i sunk my hollow head, into the book
visionless, there was nothing to look
i sunk my heavy head, into the book
and the smell of rain took-
me away to the land of rain
and brown drenched wood-

the place i loved could only be
visited, through this pocket book
my home will always be between
the yellow pages of your book

-Kaya

The back and forth pace
behind the seal to individuality
a blurred plastic vision of a
mystery that could be joy
or utter sadness that maddens
or utter madness that saddens
the very soul of the soul and
the only spark that lives within
this state of mind, now may
remain or may not, on the
other side

- Kaya

It was like the shift
from noisy waves
to silent streams
that flow smoothly
over the calm chaos

The waves now have
settled to silent streams
with sunken ships
from the strong damage

-Kaya

A young heart,
like a fresh wound,
hurts more, when exposed
to the world of sour tongues,
bitter eyes and bland brains

A young heart, hurts
like a healing wound
that stretches to
the demands of life

There's no home,
when you are down
There's no home,
even when you are up

-Kaya

o mechanical world
we are the grease
to your machines
that hold you
for "ease" of "living"

how does one manage life
with great difficulty
we beings, are just being
but are we beings, truly living
in this world where the self
is not who we really are
but who they want us to be

-Kaya

I felt like smooth sweet tea
poured into brittle porcelain
it was a sense of, I would say
a guilty, blue satisfaction-
of being consumed by others
I'll be gone, as the empty cup
hits the table, 'ting!' as the
sound strikes the white noise
the windows to the noisy world
all gone, shut again, no more
to my eyes, to my ears, no more
I have become the bitter stain
left on white beautiful porcelain
easy to spot, and wipe the last of me
as I sink into the terrible drain
I shall never be seen again
this time, this is the last change
life is lost to peace, that ends pain

-Kaya

A deaf man devotes
his soul to his eyes
A blind man devotes
his soul to his ears
we rely on a shoulder
in times of loss
but rely on parts
of our own selves
when we are lonely,
away and far apart

-Kaya

let the disgust hide within
the transparent shells
of white crusty sin

They can see through
my dusty muddled skin
but cannot, of what is
engraved deep within

These shells, they are
fragile and blue
and in deep denial
that they belong to you

These shells, they do not crack
they grow old, to only
reminisce and bite your back

-Kaya

An eye within my eye
like a fetus in a womb
It cannot see what I see
for it was created
not for sight but, for lies
like a special child
it was an exceptional eye
like an eye that will stay awake
until the end of time
the time, that is mine
and this time, only mine

-Kaya

Breakfast at night
in denial of the days end
I cannot think of tomorrow
for there is no such tomorrow
I think I could spend

-Kaya

Your presence planted
shivers on my bare skin
each shiver, like a needle
piercing deep within

-Kaya

Help me eat

this grain of life

my back aches, terribly

from this immortal strife



sit with me

on this legless chair

let us relate

let us share

we shall live

in the same air

let us combine

our melting despair



A life that tastes good

but doesn't satisfy hunger



- Kaya

Clear layers on my eye
each possess a soul that
once lived exposed, just to die
the blood of the layer
attracted to guilt,
left the layers soul
to crumble and drift

each layer, gone, in a blink
they vanish, to the past
to a place where the life
we used to live cannot be unseen

now you have nothing
but a naked eye
exposed, just to die
now you have nothing
but a naked eye
that lived layers of a lie

-Kaya

In times of torment, cries
and wide eyes in sleepless nights,
we fight with not our red fists,
but with our white minds

The days felt dark
like one without a sun
where you'd see nobody
except a man with a gun
you are stunned
from head to toe, numb
having no where to go
no where to run

-Kaya

dear black bird
with a purple neck
your familiar chirp
cannot be heard
through this glass

- Kaya

we were like dying leaves in autumn
we even fell with beauty and grace
to our deaths, only to be stepped on
and have every dry vein in us, crack!
until we become dust, that the living
world breathes in, to feed off our death
and to feel alive

-Kaya

The greatest people don't go
through the greatest things and
that's what makes them great

- Kaya

I'm glad to have history to look back on
I'm glad my heart did not pass in the last
minute of my life that I created,
It was an unpleasant thrill to live
and let go and to live again just
to look back on how I did not let go,

I am the heart to my heart
"I cannot live without you
and you cannot live without me"
said my heart, through its cracks

I promise, I heard it within the spaces
of each beat, I heard it whisper 'don't go'

- Kaya

It hit me like a 220 pound wave, that swept over and engulfed me. It consumed me but, comforted me. I was unaware of what I felt, what I was supposed to feel and what I was made to feel. The wave I could not face, the wave that made my tongue and bones freeze, the wave that stiffened my muscles, the wave that stocked my lungs with thick healthy mud, there was no room to inhale my happiness and exhale my dejection.
My bones cracked like a startled iceberg, as I was struck and brought back to reality by a ship- another soul brought me back, back to reality, back to the world of changing faces. I froze in the same ocean I was born in. In the shifting realities of the world I felt like a deserted infant sitting still on the shore of a fierce and vicious ocean, commanding it's waves to attack. So it hit me again, again and again like a 220 pound wave, that swept over and engulfed me. Then again, It consumed me but, comforted me. I can always say, that the sea is at war, and we are the waves that sway, that give movement, and give life to the still world.  

- Kaya

It was a feeling.
A feeling of Winter and Summer within each palm.
Sitting, a sense of casualty. Thoughts in your mind crashing into each other like two similar trains that collide as both your palms collide to escape the feeling of insecurity. A mix of cold and warmth. A question of which hand to use, when we shake hands
do you want the warm truth or cold lie?

A frozen foot and another, burnt
Every morning, I wake up to a question of which foot
to use, when I leave my place of comfort, as my head betrays my feet, and the sharp stones it has to face. Even the sky betrays the land. Broken aspects of the sky, the clouds. Broken aspects of the land, the drought. Broken aspects to thoughts, the mind. Broken aspects to love, the heart. Again, It was just a feeling.

-Kaya

It was hollow, and blue
with light leaks of black surrounding
circles of sun light, peaking through
to say "Hello", there were too many
I couldn't respond, I could not see you

It was hollow, and blue
strange, I see no light at the end
But I see a mirror, reflecting the past
that stood behind me,
to get through, I must get closer to
the mirror that reflects my past

It was hollow, and blue
with no light leaks of black surrounding
circles of sunlight, peaking through
I still don't have the courage
to get through, to get to you

- Kaya

They see you,
on the surface
with the sky above

You feel, out of earth
on the edge with
empty space below

-Kaya

She was dressed in mustard,
on a tall golden chair
She sat before clean,
crisp and clear silverware
around her, nothing mattered
not even the polluted air
she left, nobody noticed
they ask "was she even there"

-Kaya

"Dad's broken bicycle"
she pointed, in pity
In his hands
Nothing will stay intact,
Not anything, Not anyone

-Kaya

I sat on a wounded chair
in a room filled with silence
and peace, nobody was there
I spoke to the dead and still
plastics of life, to seek,
love, comfort and care
Caged in my imagination
crowded , I was unaware  
I was not alone,  
I felt a deep stare

-Kaya

Her stiff hands held
a needle and a thread
look up to her eyes
they are open doors
not white but deep red
wipe your tears, she said
wipe my dry eyes,
I am unsteady, unhinged
I have no tears to shed

-Kaya

Your presence was like
3 beats per second on a drum,
each beat cleansed me,
the beginning of each beat
was the beginning of a new breath,

a breath that would be born
but would never die
you made me breathless
but somehow, and for some reason
it just made me feel more alive

-Kaya