Beep

I’m going to go out there

Beep

I mean this is just

Beep

ridiculous

BEEP

I’m not even mad at-

BEEP

whoever broke in, I-

BEEP

just want to sleep

beep beep

Rachel Ray was amazing
to the tot that watched
while grandparents talked
to the parent that brought me along

Sat hands in lap
on the living room floor
slowly arching back as each meal passed

We never made any recipe
though I'd thought a lot about it
and often wanted to

What kind of non-human:
makes a bowl of oatmeal
adds chia and flax seeds
with a little bit of
light brown sugar
and eats it for breakfast?

What sort of creature:
packs a snack lunch
and eats it on a bench
before going to work?

I’ve been smoking almost every day
for the last few years

I know it’s no Vik, Perc, Morph, or Xan
and it’s backwards to be used as chloraseptic
but I never needed sweeter substances
and it works a **** ton better than advil

But I’ve used it instead of friends
whether that’s good or bad depends
if I’m on the steep end of dependance
or just really spent  and tenuous

Acquittal is wishful
I’m wilfully guilty

But I’m unsure of what
and how not be

I’m here

Which feels like the best I can do

It’s undoubtedly a contribution
I’ll be the contrast
everyone can talk
while I’m not

Makes me wonder

I feel a calm
in your hold
a peace within reach

I’m arms length away
defeated by feet
a screen display between

Your fingers seem to
push me outside
through keystrokes

Palm pressing
knuckle dusting
dancing digits

My shoulder blades are on fire
but I can’t focus on that right now

The food will be overdone
guests tired of waiting
nothing is ready yet

But I can’t focus
right now

Shove it down
push it back
remember to forget

I hid my old bed in the basement
of the last place I lived
sitting with the box spring and frame

It’s a great, full set
I had to let it go
roaming back home
which is nowhere near close

On some mornings
mom would ask
if Kyle and I wanted waffles
these were no ordinary syrup catchers
marbled by deep purple
stuffed with blueberries

When I was born
I was born a blueberry
due to the blue pigmentation
resulting from lack of oxygen
because of my mother’s smaller stature
that day a screaming smurf was brought into the world
and I’ve been getting redder ever since

Above the sink in my dad’s home
is a small purple bowl
handmade with a ceramic stem that broke off years ago
on the inside bottom is an engraving
that simply reads
‘Blue Berries’
but no longer carries fruit

That brand
spanking
new
refrigerator,
didn’t matter at all

The home it was housed in however
was a palace to bask in

Stand it upright
hop from the bed

Crawl in aloft
put a soft blue blanket on top
sit back, watch as it captures all your thoughts

Armor clad, the blue knight sits alone
wondering why no one calls back

'Sure there's a dragon, but that doesn't stop them from picking up the phone once in a while!’

'Don't you think I have my own “dragons” to deal with?!’
cries the blue knight

'I know you said you don't need any saving,’

But

‘you should be grateful I even offered!’

And so the blue knight sulks
waiting to save no one from nothing

Oof

Ow

You got me.

What now

Tss

Ah

What a
crushing
blow.

Mm

Yah

You showed me

I told you I care about you
I meant it
but you don't need another fee
tacked on as tax

It's all tactic gymnastics
attraction and accents
fantastic for habits
hazardous for fact checks

I'm just an actress in all honesty
fond of the backless
blacklist autonomy
as ****** unhappiness

You didn't care that I cared
I'm prepared to rescind it

Since erring on caution
options have flared
out

A spastic in a cavern
reverberating passions
compacts patterned actions

Insanity dampened

A daft wit half lifted
listens with intention
past trending effervescence

I feel like I'm stuck
on what is
and what's snot

Post nasal drip
is when mucus in the nose
drops down to the throat

Voice coated and smothered

'It's not that bad’
a prime example

Comedy class
is a joke
but that's how it's supposed to be
if it weren't we'd be in
serious trouble

My feet of sheetrock
knees and bones
stick and stone

Thighs of mica
calf of plaster
flint skin

I chuckle gleefully in buns of steel
and fiercely beat a sediment chest
with the face of a mesa and obsidian ribs
I see through tides of frozen lids

Hours. Days. Weeks.

I can’t get the time back
spent on a nintendo DS
talking to no one
lost to myself

Don’t even like playing
but being in another world
where I could control my life
kept me there for months

A trees trunk is tough all over
not a soft part but the leaves
only when cut does it form a gradient

Smooth with the grain
rough against

We need that reflection
otherwise risking a finite spectrum
though nature would have its own way

I found a dead ladybug in the sink
after washing a head of lettuce
the red had faded to peach
and the legs no longer reached for life

~

Standing in the school playground
during a warm fall afternoon
a bright red bug with black spots
lands on my arm

I can feel its little legs trembling
as it shimmies along my forearm
slowly turning my hand over
when it reaches the wrist

~

I hope that ladybug landed
on as many hands as possible
as a harbinger of joy
simply with its presence

I don't need an excuse to be happy,
don't forget that.

I don't have to assign blame for it,
like it's someone else's fault,
as though it's a negative.

I am happy.

Happy is me.

Put the star on the Christmas tree.

I am sure that I am the ‘me’ and you are but ‘you’.
Sure, I am the ‘you’ that I am, but are you me?
I am me. But you are sure, that I am you.
Am I me? I am sure, but ‘you’ are you,
are ‘you’ but me? I am sure,
But, you are sure I am.
Sure, you are, but,
are you, sure?
Are ‘you’,
You?

I haven’t seen you for the first time again
but I’m not sure I want you to see me twice
at first glance

I’ve changed to want myself
and I’m scared you still won’t
so I don’t try
because I want you to

Playing with
flour, water, and yeast
at the table of a restaurant

Mush
mash
and roll it
while mom talks to a friend

Warm hearts
and
supple hands

I’m afraid to sleep on earth
for the fear of having to fight again
battling for rest
only against myself

Past the stratosphere
no one can hear you dream
like they were trying all along

And I can’t either
which is what made it so appealing
but you can only wrestle with nothing up there
for so long
until the sky comes down again

feeling the breath co-mingle
when our chests are pressed
dancing to the in-and-out-
smitten with rhythm
indignant of dignity

invigorated significance
in figure eights and sycophants

given and taken
hidden to shaken
win it by faking

Asleep within a crevice
located between two rocks and a stone
if you drove deep enough to where nobody goes
there’s a hole with a whole boatload
of varying souls.

To the rods and cones they are nothing
as far as the eye can see,
to be seen is to be empty
like a large tank with sand, water, and coral
but missing a fish for which to swim in.

The peace it brings releases ease
and steeps in sleep awful disease.
It’s my steeple for people
who fear in unequals
and read into receipts to steer clear of evil.

The everything that permeates this place
is inflated solely by negative space
like a race that integrates grace
as a pace to be chased
erasing traces of hatred by opting faceless to waste.

I mean I started it
and the end is in sight
it just seems like such waste of time
all for a period
to start anew

I was adopted
that’s how I ended up here
I used to be in one family
and they lost me to two

I’m positive it was an accident
they probably thought I was in the backseat
we’ll laugh it off when they find me

Blue skies in Arizona
a ruthless sight to behold
akin to cool tides on an icy cold beach

Days of gray were my rays of sunshine
a heat box detox I dreamed of at one time

Now they seem transient
pallid, sad, and haphazard
since they’re a habit in Boston
no longer a reward to wait for

I hope somewhere it’s clear with clouds every now and again

Crying so hard you gum up the works
flem and spit that's gotta go down
nowhere else but the throat

Saying the wrong thing
being met with immediate silence
as you sweat and shuffle in your shoes

Hearing the wrong thing
and not knowing if you should speak
so you swallow followed by
'uuu-'ntil someone stops you

Body parts rolling and folding
steamy between the sheets
heat under the covers
seems so hard to breathe
keeping me up ‘til one
with slick skin
and a drenched bed

No it’s not about hot ***
sometimes I get night sweats

*** tha **** outta’ hea

There’s no set way to elate
it’s all relative
we know that

(Thanks Einstein)

What makes you happy
now
make it a noun
persons places things

‘Being happy makes me happy’
is an acceptably weak answer
what makes my face glow?
have a reason
hold onto it’s grip

I don’t always like being naked
even in my own home
but in this heat
it’s either strip or die

There are those with A/C
acting so civilized
as they turn back temperatures
concerned for their sweat

I’m wet with jealousy
but the humility grew on me
moss in a steamy environment
condensation in the same

Now the only difference
is switching two letters

Observable words
turning in circles
perfectly working
affirmed in impermanence

Serpents within swirls
swerve in the verve
curvature burned irksome
turbidity skinned earnest

Journal pearls quirked
turpentine turbulence
since worries serve nervousness
the cure in spurts of churlishness

One is red
two is green
three blue
and four peach

I bet you didn’t expect that one

Red is tweed
green is nylon
blue wool
and four corduroy

It caught me off guard, too

They’re all Supreme
bought second-hand
most snapback
one is fitted

I wear it the least

Sometimes it’s hot
when not, it’s cold
in the middle of stillness it’s warm
or blew right through, cucumber cool

When cereal is being made
and someone fumbles a batch
but doesn’t dispose of it
it can end up in your bowl

Not something to panic over
though you will
as it can turn the face red upon consumption

Not like leaving the gym
more of a tomato with a fever

Vegetation subsiding over time
left paralyzed in confusion
but still with a stomach quite full

Laughing into the wind
no one can hear you
away only for a moment
if at your ear
then carried off

I use my inside voice
within my head
the rest is shouting into a void
if you can’t speak
it leads you to think

the inside can be a battle for sound
in and of itself
what rings true
and what needs improvement

Some better left said
requiring a spoken tongue
instead of a broken one

Waking up to go to work.
Another day another dollar.
I don’t actually like my job but
you need to make money somehow, I guess.

Another day another dollar
I wonder if drug dealers like their jobs
you need to make money somehow, I guess.
I bet clowns hate their jobs.
        
I wonder if drug dealers like their jobs
it’s got to be hard knowing how you affect someone
I bet clowns hate their jobs.
Because they terrify everyone.

It’s got to be hard knowing how you affect someone
that’s why I hate my job
because I terrify everyone.
I am a clown.

Pepperoni pizza with
red pepper flakes
and white sauce on my thighs

I keep eating it
kinda cannibalized

But I’m greedy
for a greasy meat trio
calves knees and higher

You're not in my class
neither are you
it's the right time
but something's off

Wrong room
wrong room

We swapped

I forgot
just roll with it
act like you belong
no one will notice

Everyone's noticed
leave before it's too late

Where am I supposed to be

Everyone’s been looking
to be seen

Reflective deflections
attempted perfection
detecting surrections

I see
you
see me
through
and through

Spending it to make it?
Now that’s money

Consumable and hoardable
folly’s quest yet necessary evil

How much is enough?
Too little?
Too great?

Does anyone deserve it
can you earn it and be happy
or is it all together absurd?

Tip of the top to ya’!
Good
good
g o o d
mornin’!

A fine one
ain’t it

Quite the day!
To say the least

Wake
to the arising
of the first glimpse
breaking the skyline

A peak at first
streaks and slivers
as it’s begun

There’s something, special
about the warmth.

Still.

That’s the difference.

And constant.
As a result of the stillness.

Sitting in bed
as my torso is half-warmed through the window
and my legs are half-frozen
from the lack thereof.

Not fully formed for
the frost mayhaps forgot, but
the ember forever remembers.

It’s 2:00 a.m.
and I’m still not the person I want to be.

Confusedly used and choosing to cycle
a doozy of a beut be abusing the noodle
a noose for the loose lies and snoozed eye libel
chewing glue ‘til you blew new bubbles in trouble

I taunt me,
like a ripcord to a jumper.

Am I toiling or roiling? Or, do I even need to be foiled?
It leads me to believe I’m receiving the peace
by impeaching the keenness of leaderless feet
indeed defeating the most royal of boyles

Safety always seconds away.
But never close enough to be chosen.

Bite-sized incisors to rise from within
riptides to ride side-saddle or be straddled with a grin
paddle again, battle a jinn: the sin-bin win-win for adolescent kids
the spirit can hear it, dinned in tinnitus