I knew confidence was key as a kid
whenever I'd find myself in a singles bathroom
I'd bring my shirt over my head
and wear it like a backpack strapped across my shoulders

For confidence, of course

I had a-
Nevermind

Never
tell
see
speak
think it

Nevermind your own business
sever ties with your instincts
every time they aren’t in sync
with
efforts grinding you empty

Without
knee **** reactions
screams turn so placid
it seems the world is plastic
and ceases further advancement

A voice of the sun
Eyes that shine in the moonlight
Oh crap they saw me

I'm not close enough
to you

This distance
is ******

We've been apart
two long
free to four or thrive

I wither with no connection
hating to hide in tense

and you keep guesses in repression

don't delve
into this lifetime
alone

I’ve kept myself in stasis
by preserving with sodium

if it works for meat
it’s perfect for me

1 large jar of whole pickles
gobble them all
salt and pepper to taste
drink brine ‘til full

2 bags of salt and vinegar chips per lb.
consume in one sitting
lick fingers greedily
repeat weekly

3 bowls of green olives
the salty ones
eat ‘til you can sleep
dry dreams in the wake

Bloodless skin
loveless kin
covet hugs from other sins

Streakless ego
signs of Inigo
white knight spine flushed into a sinkhole

I’m so tired
the lights have since been dimmed
eyes closing
night within the lids

What’s cold will sweat
and frozen melt
don’t open yet
hold hope and breath

woke up
flick a light switch
nothing
surprising

Check with electricity
they’ll let us know
expected time finishing
about seven hours ago

Bag #1:

I am afraid
Of-POW-
A lot of things
But-POW-
More than anything
I-POW-
Am afraid of
This
Punching Bag.

(ding ding)

Hanging itself by its own chain
Harangued and mangled by big bangs
Strangled by change.

How does it function?

Bag #2:

It hardly has a heart
A dangling participle in the grammatical arts
Two words worth of work.

How does it feel?

(ding ding)

It’s comfortingBANG
This
Fear of recoilBANG
Because
The softer I hitBANG
It
The softer itBANG
Hits
Back.

Do not eat
two full dill pickles
soaked in Franks Red Hot Sauce
with an eight and a half ounce bag
of Flaming Hot Cheetos
also dipped in hot sauce
without expecting repercussions

i-come-from-a-cage-
small-and-it-thinks-
it’s-really-bright-there­,
makes-it-quite-hard-to-shrink.

With the instincts of  mime,
left breathless every time
i cried for escape.

-Quaver-

Iwasshamedanddetested,
IconfessIconsent­ed
byforceof a friendship
mostthoughtasoffensive.

But fiction begets
‘Til diction forgets,
Best left alone.

-Crotchet-

Grown up and free
But still trying to be
The rage I engaged with
That made ‘you’ a ‘me’.

Born on the page
Sworn to a sage
Age old as beauty.

~Minim~

Feudal -- in -- flight
create -- your -- own -- kite --
to -- strive -- for -- a -- night --
of -- sleep -- without -- fright!

Tighten your chest
There’s a fight in your breast
Maybe might, just find,

~Semibreve~

I sit silent
quiet but awake
saving energy

Prepared for interaction
scared of wasting power
I wait

Slowly cyclical

A road
big and strong
thousands of miles in the distance

Twenty one years
the road’s flattened
from thousands of cars every day

I’m getting carried away again,
or am I letting myself?

The river runs deep and reaps what leeches sow
blood in the mud but the mood is on buds
beaches of cheap seats to a preaching of Mother’s own
muting the boots of cubic shooting suits

The currents pull is incredibly strong;
but I might just be pushing too hard.

Blessed by a crest that’d test a jest-besting guest
watch ‘em swamped n’ stomped by a real wallop of a wave
a new craze of cadence encased in layers of nets
left bereft guessing at the message in a maze

It’s draining me of strength:
and filling me with calm

A new time as old as one that few knew
but it cues a new attitude: a shoe in for blues
refuses to stew on intrusions of youth
infusing a juice of consumable roots

Sniffle on the train
a sneeze among the trees
bless you at your desk
sleeve wipe when out of sight

So sticky an issue
your own mother wouldn’t kiss you

Should’ve brought tissues

Grainy and clear blue
always loud but with moments of silence
rhythmically chaotic
a paradox of logic

And the people there
those people
are the same

I’ve run out for a few days
no place to leave things
watching my pile
waiting for dispersion

This in there
that in here
warmth in drawers and closets

I know you can’t hear me
but this has been easier for so many years
I’ve been shut up and down
so it’s kept locked now
not proud to say
I’m afraid of the outside

I keep the key pressed
inside of my breast
left the best empty
in case of a rest

You guessed it
the exit is next on my list
address with precision
set permission limits

slowly reopen to show you the door

No warning
maybe some
didn't check

Formed over Dorchester
Yesteryore from shore stretches
Ore of tomorrow quite heavy
Tore open today to lessen the load

This is how I die
blinded by the light
that reflects off the rain
in puddles
in front of the car

When a professor asked me
to imagine I was in love with someone
‘what is it about them?’

I thought of sitting up
in bed or on a couch
talking all night
running fingers through hair

What I said was,
‘their hair’
and was told that that was superficial

They start as a single
before moving to unity
a chorus of chortles
to those who listen for that

It’s hard not to
when they rehearse in your right ear
and perform in the left

You said that they could
lent them the key
thought about drowning out
with a little symphony

What a ******* mistake that was

I see you see me
but see, you see me as 'them'
I see, you see them

When leaves are left on the sidewalk
the sun cooks their image into the concrete
so when the foliage is kicked up
their baked imprint remains

In reality it’s the pavement that’s changing
while the leaf shape is safe from the heat
creating a brief haven for feet

They’re surprisingly hard to talk about
The Rob Lowe Memes
they were a moment of wholeness
thrown out by deceit

Sent and received
so many message receipts
about Parks and Recreation
and the West Wing

Do you just want someone to talk to?
Because I do
I like you
and The Rob Lowe Memes

But were they a means to an end?
Pretend friendship for what?
Spendthrift with interest
without a mention of a finish

yet you left and I let you
doing nothing to stop it
I didn’t think you really knew me
trying to speak through
The Rob Lowe Memes.

Exchanging or replacing an old automobile
can be an intensely emotional experience for anyone
I still have the license plate screws from the first car my mom sold
although I didn’t care at all when my dad sold his car first
I remember crying at the dealership when they took my mom’s Toyota
I don’t even remember my dad telling us he got a new Ford
backseat on the left, behind the driver, was my designated spot, still is

I kept them in an empty Hubba Bubba OUCH! Gum tin, the screws
sometimes I’d open it up just to hold them
and wonder why I’d cared so much about that car

Beneath a wave
as it rolls overhead
there's a moment of fright
in missing the crest

but it comes again
and goes off
no end

Though crashing now
in the tumult of water
eventually resurfacing
beginning to grow
and rolling over
the peaks
of once before

I’ve been rolling like a stone
down the road we go
roaming the unknown
with no hope to slow

Over and over
sky to sand
sober and slower
a tired plan

The middle is intermittent
simply not in your wishes
timid to be intrinsic
invisibly in your limits

Top to bottom
orbit to ocean
flopping and flotsam
rotating motion

No sleep 'til I'm dreaming
let exhaustion try and take my consciousness

I don't want to be awake anymore
but shutting my eyes is a waste of time

My bed is a wasteland of waking nightmares
and the air is hot in October

I thought tears could take me
but the last try I cried myself to activity

Melatonin is a hoax I hold no hope for
and **** is a drug that gets me ****** up

Even this isn't helping
maybe it can help you

I can feel it on the nape of my neck
a single drip slip sliding down

Is it me or the heat?

My breathing is shallow
calmly alarmed
afraid to exist past the lips

Nervous of the temperature
this place generates
weathered down to the pore
with no semblance of rest

Did I make a mistake
in not finagling for AC
and laying under layers

At first I slept on the second section
when pulled out from beneath the rest
and left like an exhumed tomb

But soon consumed
by a womb within a room
like a capsule hotel
with chili string lights

Padded plenty with blankets
pillows
and lack of headspace

A bread break with neck aches

…
not yet
…

Wait until you’re called!

…
why are you fidgeting?!
…

Be patient!

…
almost
…

I have a,

well,

I'm unsure what to call it.

Deep
receding
yet receiving water

What is a woman?
what makes her so?

Is it her body?

Of course not

Is it her mindset?

Of course not

What is it, then, that makes a woman a woman
other than her choice to be seen as such?

Or is it innate?

If neither the body or mind are the genesis
then do we even have a choice?

Are we simply the gender we are born as?
whatever essence settled in our embryonic bellies?

I couldn't say

All I know
is that when I choose to view myself as the woman I am
my conscience is kinder to and more supportive of me

And for me,
that's enough

Today blows
the wind is whipping
all the shutters closed
yet gusts of dust roll through me
not cutting
nor biting
but blustering breezily
as though I'm not there
as though I'm not aware of such zeitgeist climates
as those that I reside in

I am not here
and the air won't give me oxygen
as I'm caught within a cyclone of my own
Mine
that is me
has been me, mostly
no longer

On this day
let me be wrapped in aerial vestments
the warm west rekindling my breast
the cool east resetting my bones
bring me back from the brink I breached so long ago
and let my solid form settle the storm

Have I lost my way
been tossed astray
depraved and often caught in shame

I am Phi Kenzie
suspend all your envy
I’m plenty unfriendly and tense up when sensing

The touch of another
to shutters and covers
and run for the river, ride rough with the rudder

Flown under the radar
I hoped it would stay dark
but no, it’s the day and it breaks the equator

I could go on about my fears
they won’t disappear
peerless endearment from people jeering for years

Eerie queries in tears
near and dear to mine own ears
rearing iridescent essence empirically in spirit

Hear it speared into the ether
reverberating meter
ceaselessly tinker on the readers need to reach eureka neater

I’m too tired
besides I’m not
that
*****

I did it yesterday
which counts for something
and I’ll do it tomorrow
which doesn’t count at all

But today
it seems like work
and what’s worth
that

I was clean enough in the morning
sheets only a week old
plus this would be me being green
no need to waste the H2O





Day two without showering
I definitely need it at this point
pizza on the plate last night
worn on the face this morning

I could say I’m doing it
for the poem now
but it really just seems
too nice

Just get up and do it
is not really a reason
it appeals to some part of me
but I'm hard of hearing it out loud

How long could I go
before conceding
to drowned out drops
and softened locks




----------------------

rain on skin
open pores and warmed sores
robed within steam
I think the soap is unclean

I’ve been playing this game
for **** near twenty one years
and long ago lost track
of my wins and losses

I simply got caught up
in the winsomeness
of all that is

Why keep a tally
that’s callous and rigid
with the infiniteness of living at your fingertips

I was
lost

and you were there.

Standing upright,
uncertain and confident of the fact.

All of you were.

I was there when we first found one another.
Somewhere along the line we became you and I
in my mind.

All of you
and I.

We’re surprisingly similar
you and I
but the focus for me at the time was always on what made us different

what made us unique.

What I couldn’t find was what made us kin.
Connected by what other than us wanting to be so?

I want to say I know now
though I’ll never be certain without asking

which I’m afraid to do.
Will you think me the one that gone away

still lost.

I’ve grown
more confident of my uncertainty

much like all of us

that I know